Iowa Congress Spares Masturbatory Drivers

Masturbating motorists across Iowa were relieved to hear that the Iowa Senate did not include “masturbation” as part of its bill outlawing texting-while-driving. Unlike the Iowa House’s version, the Iowa Senate passed a tougher bill that would not only ban texting while driving but would put the kibosh on reading text messages as well (although the bill made no explicit distinction between texting and sexting).

Despite lawmakers pleas for including other dangerous activities while driving, the Senate spared the following language from its bill: masturbation, playing Suduko, paddle ball, thumb wrestling, changing baby or senior citizen’s diaper, spinning records on turntable, juggling, balancing checkbook, doing laundry by hand, thumbing through seed catalogues, playing Guitar Hero, journaling, tying a Windsor knot, opening CD packaging or using common sense.

(This is a dramatization: The driver is a professional actor and certified stunt man and you should not try this in you own car while driving, even though it is not illegal.)

Lobbyists representing MAMD (Mothers Against Masturbatory Drivers) said they were disappointed neither bill included masturbation but vowed to keep up pressure on lawmakers. “How many victims of auto-eroticism will it take before lawmakers realize that driving and masturbating don’t go hand-in-hand,” one lobbyist said.

Opponents of adding “masturbation” to the bill argued that there’s no significant difference between masturbating and driving a manual transmission, admitting, however, that the former may lead to carpal tunnel.

Political Fallout Public Service Announcement:

Remember: Friends don’t let friends masturbate and drive. Reach out and give a hand; the life you're saving may be your own.

Bureaucratic Genocide: Iowa Politicians Attempt to Kill Off Elders with Acronym

The Iowa Assembly has set the stage for an epic battle-to-the-metaphoric-death between the state’s elderly population and the up-and-coming elected power mongers. Fearing the Elders may usurp their power, Iowa Lawmakers approved a bill changing the state’s Department of Elderly Affairs (DEA), not to be confused with the fed’s Drug Enforcement Agency, to the Department of Aging – or more aptly Dead on Arrival (DOA).



Recently appointed Head of D.O.A., Will T. Corpse, moves into new office in State Coroner's basement

Despite the age-old prophecy espoused by the Blind Prophet, Iowametheus, that one day a group of power-hungry legislators, armed with a deadly acronym, will rise up and destroy the Elders, the latter refuses to relinquish their walkers and allow their power to be usurped.

Masking their true intentions, Des Moines Democrat Rep. Janet Petersen, 38, claimed that the move was needed, because some people don’t like the word “elderly.”

And they would prefer being labeled DOA?

Read rest of post at T.M. Lindsey new favorite sister site Say Something Funny

Iowa House Rising Up for the Dead!

Alice Cooper: Official Poster Muse of the Necrophilia Society

“I Love the Dead”

I love the dead before they're cold
They're bluing flesh for me to hold
Cadaver eyes upon me see nothing
I love the dead before they rise
No farewells, no goodbyes
I never knew your rotting face
While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave
I have other uses for you, Darling
We love the dead
We love the dead, Yeah

The Iowa House has slipped into full protectionist mode. First they set their sites on protecting minimum-wage workers, then potential bully victims, and now they’re extending their protectionist claws to the corpse community. Apparently there has been an insurgence of abuse in the human corpse community, thus prompting the Iowa House to introduce a not-in-my-back-yard bill (HF 432), which would extend protections to corpses. (Note to practicing Necrophiliacs: a bill on the books already protects corpses from people “knowingly and intentionally” engaging in a sex act with the deceased, so don’t get any crazy ideas.) The House merely wants to extend rights to corpses, making it a crime for a person to “mutilate, disfigure, hide, or bury a human corpse with the intent to conceal a crime.” All violations will be considered a class “D” felony, “punishable by confinement for no more than five years and a fine of at least $750, but no more than $7,500.”

I’m guessing this bill is meant to serve as a deterrent, so when somebody kills somebody, they’ll think long and hard about dismembering the body and hiding the remains under the floorboards? Or the guilt of committing such a heinous act, compounded by the looming possibility of fines or imprisonment, will inevitably force the alleged perpetrator to confess:

“Villians!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed! – tear up the planks here, hear! – it is the beating of his hideous heart!” (Exhibit A: documented confession from Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart”)

If the House is genuinely serious about protecting and/or extending more rights to the human corpse community, they should consider putting more teeth into their bill by adding the following to the corpse abuse bill:

Add “corpse trait” to anti-bullying bill. This will not only help deter kids from picking on the dead, but it will help foster respect for their “nonliving peers.”

Corpse Tax Stamps. Using the Drug Tax Stamp as its model, the Internal Revenue Service should levy a tax on corpses. So if a person intends to sell a corpse, they’ll need to pay a corpse tax and receive a stamp to attach to corpse, thus indicating that the corpse bearer has paid the government its respective due. And if corpse peddlers fail to pay their tax burden and gets caught with an unstamped corpse, boy will they be wishing they had paid The Man.

Better yet, the House should focus their energy on extending more rights to the human corpse community. A good start would be allowing corpses to marry other corpses, extending them the same rights as living married couples (this includes living married couples whose relationship has died).

Human Corpse Community Battlecry: "All we are saying is give corpses a chance..."

The Incomplete Idiot’s Guide to Amending the Iowa Constitution

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain, 1882)

Thanks to the undisclosed lobby efforts of the Penguin Group publishing company, the Iowa House has opened Pandora’s Idiot-Box by proposing a joint resolution that would amend the Constitution of the State of Iowa. The House wishes to amend Section 5 of Article II, which disqualifies persons from voting who are “adjudged mentally incompetent to vote or a person convicted of any infamous crime shall not be entitled to the privilege of an elector.”

Much to the delight of the Penguin Group, publishers of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide Series,” the proposed amendment to the resolution “removes the words ‘idiot’ and ‘insane’ from the constitutional provision and substitutes the phrase ‘mentally incompetent to vote.’” A spokesperson from the Penguin Groups, who wishes to remain anonymous, cited record-low sales of its guide, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to American Government” (see left) as the main reason spearheading their lobby efforts. “Since Iowa’s constitution bars ‘idiots’ from voting, we’ve had a hard time selling the guides to our target audience. It would be like trying to sell the ‘Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting Along With Difficult People’ on Capital Hill in D.C. (‘Complete Idiot’s Guide to Figurative Language’) There’s simply no interest for our product in these markets.”

Opponents to the proposed resolution argue that, much like the amendment itself, the changes cannot be adequately enforced at the polls and begs the question: Where do you draw the line distinguishing between who is and is not an idiot? An amendment would definitely change poll watcher’s strategies for challenging votes, but without the addition of an idiot-proof fail-safe plan, who would be watching the poll watchers?

Federal opponents, including the federal constitution purists, “The Constitutional Literalists' Society,” argue that if there’s no amendment restricting an idiot from running for President of the United States, there should be no restrictions placed upon idiots voting for such a candidate.