We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: “Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue (No. 3)

Deerspotting: Deer Vaccination Nation

"It's (deer vaccine/proposed contraceptive) not something you want anyone or everyone to use," said Dale Garner, wildlife bureau chief at the Iowa Department of Natural Resources. "We want to make sure it's not used willy-nilly in the state." "What if some people in a neighborhood get a deer down ... and it's kicking or takes a side step or a roll and some guy or lady gets injected in the rear end?" he said. "Or if somebody's shooting a dart gun at deer in a park, and it misses an animal and hits a person? Or if a kid picks up an unspent dart and the injection goes off?"

Sounds like Dale’s already been dipping into the deer vaccination vats. Somebody down at the DNR had better check his arms for deer tracks.

If Lieberman Spoke on the Senate Floor and There is Nobody Around, Does Anybody Care?
“I’m the Lorax. I’m saving that one tree.” (Sen. Joe Lieberman, Closeted Republican Trapped in a Democrat’s Body - Conn., telling “The New Yorker” how he feels isolated in the Senate.)

Americans and Illegal Immigrants: Oil and Water Don’t Mix

Rep. Tancredo protects Colorado Borders from incoming illegal immigrants who are plotting to dilute and sap our precious patriotic fluids.

“Illegal immigration has diluted the country’s patriotism.,” said Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo. “We have a cult of multiculturalism. This is what permeates our society," he said. “Immigrants who come to the United States but refuse to assimilate by learning the language and following the laws water down what it means to be an American.” (Tancredo said during Council Bluffs visit last Saturday)

I knew it was those damn illegal immigrants who were trying to steal our precious bodily fluids. I heard if you have one drip of patriotism in you, you’re considered a Patriotic-American. I wonder if Tancredo will try building a Master Patriotic Race if he’s elected President of the United States?

I’m Your Huckleberry

"But I have, for instance, the week before, Huckleberry -" said Grassley (during a recent interview when asked about the presidential candidates; Gov. Mike Huckabee).

Karl Rove Endorses Human Trafficking

“I don’t want my 17-year old son to have to pick tomatoes or make beds in Las Vegas.” (Karl Rove explaining his rationale behind the president’s amnesty/open-borders proposal at a Republican women’s luncheon)

Edwards Wins ‘Fallout’s First “Duh” Award

In the perpetual “War on Bloggers” it looks like the Edwards’ Campaign had its first political casualties: Amanda Marcotte (formerly of Pandagon) and Melissa McEwan (Shakespeare’s Sister). A virtual vigil for the fallen bloggers has been scheduled for 5 'o'clock, blogsphere time.

In honor of their brave blogspheric sacrifices, Political Fallout has established the “Duh” Award, which will honor people, politicians, groups, political factions, or any other entity whose actions merit a “Duh, what were you thinking?”* response from any member of the blogsphere community. Another factor that will be considered during the “Duh” Award vetting process is how the candidate responded to the controversy, especially if the nominee acts genuinely surprised. For example, when MTV producers acted surprised when they had Andrew Dice Clay appear on their awards’ show and the Diceman used vulgarity as a part of his comedic bit. “Duh, what were you thinking?” Or when organizers invited Stephen Colbert to present at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner and were surprised when Colbert actually roasted the President. “Duh, what were you thinking?”

Without further adieu, we would like to present to you the first winner of the Political Fallout “Duh” Award:

Winner: The John Edwards’ Campaign

“Duh, what were you thinking?”: For hiring two straight-talking bloggers known for speaking their minds and using “colorful” language to skewer their subjects, and for being surprised when straight-talking Catholic Leaguer, Bill Donohue, spoke His mind and accused the bloggers of using “colorful,” anti-Catholic language -- skewering the bloggers by calling them “anti-Catholic vulgar trash-talking bigots.” (Ahh, I do love the smell of irony in the morning…)

Nonetheless, had the Edwards’ Campaign carefully vetted their netroot hired hands more carefully, Edwards wouldn’t be in such a “pickle.” (see Runner-Up) I can only imagine the help- wanted ad the Edwards’ Campaign will run to find replacements for the fallen, assuming he drops the hatchet:

WANTED: Clean Professional Blogger and Vice Presidential Candidate

We’re looking for a clean individual who would be responsible for running the olive-branched netroots component of the presidential campaign. Any applicant who survives the recently updated vetting process will automatically be added to the Vice Presidential pool of potential running mates, should Edwards win the Democratic nomination. Qualified applicants must be articulate, clean, and presentable to the mainstream. Furthermore, applicants must have NO documented history of expressing biased opinions, use of sarcasm and/or tongue-in-cheek humor, or living alone for any extended period of time.

Runner-Up: The National Football League (Attn: Superbowl Half-Time Producers)

“Duh, what were you thinking?”: For hiring Prince to perform this year’s Superbowl halftime show and acting surprised that Prince would use sophomoric shadow puppetry to highlight his extended guitar phallic symbol. During a guitar solo in his “Purple Rain” performance, Prince stood behind a white bed sheet while a light captured the silhouette casted by his figure and extended guitar. The moment produced phallic connotations for some critics who argue Prince not only gave CBS a big “suck on this” but managed to escape unblemished. C’mon folks, do you really think Prince’s symbolic Freudian use of “Purple Rain” was actually rain that’s purple?

*“Duh, what were you thinking?” has been adopted and trademarked by Political Fallout as one of its official catch phrases. Anyone who uses this phrase, without thoroughly compensating Political Fallout, will be served papers from the Political Fallout legal team, suing them for “unfair use." (“Duh, what were you thinking?”)

Update: John Edwards released the following statement on his campaign site: “The tone and the sentiment of some of Amanda Marcotte's and Melissa McEwan's posts personally offended me. It's not how I talk to people, and it's not how I expect the people who work for me to talk to people. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that kind of intolerant language will not be permitted from anyone on my campaign, whether it's intended as satire, humor, or anything else. But I also believe in giving everyone a fair shake. I've talked to Amanda and Melissa; they have both assured me that it was never their intention to malign anyone's faith, and I take them at their word. We're beginning a great debate about the future of our country, and we can't let it be hijacked. It will take discipline, focus, and courage to build the America we believe in.”

Did Edwards just call Bill Donohue et. al. “hijackers”?

No satire? (sound of me tearing up completed blogger application for Edwards’ campaign)

Duh, what was I thinking?

Walking the “Political Wire” (A Review)

Looking for a quick political fix? Need a bump to help stave off an onset of political withdrawls? No problem; Political Fallout has the solution for you. Click on to “Political Wire” (see blogroll under “National Fallout”) and Taegan Goddard will help get you wired.

Political Wire is a political junky’s daily “must read” for your layman political junky, hardcore addict, and political satirists alike. Depending upon where the stars align with each day’s political climate, I fall into all of these categories. PW is the political AP of our times, and I find myself walking the “Political Wire” at least twice a day (without a net mind you), searching for political morsels and unsuspecting subjects for my next satirical bit.

Here’s what some of Political Fallout’s contributors and satiric subjects have to say about “Political Wire”:

“Political Wire keeps close tabs on all the players in D.C., and now that Jimbo and I are bringing our A-game to Iowa, we hope they’ll extend their wire to the Heartland.” (Jimmy the Hustler, “Nussle and Flow”)

“What I love about Political Wire is that it’s fair and balanced (need more link to stories shedding positive light on Romney's presidential bid) and how it keeps me abreast of what’s going on (my latest shift in political philosophy). Without Political Wire (and all my staff who reads the news online to inform me about what’s going on), I would be just another former GOP Yankee governor running for president, who just happens to be a Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong with that).” (Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney)

“If only I could use Political Wire to build a fence along the Mexican Border to help keep out illegal immigrants, who are coming to Iowa in droves in an attempt to vote illegally and overthrow my reign of Western Iowa.” (Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Political Master of Horror)

“I love reading all the articles about me on Political Wire. I only wish they would make it easier to read articles that are just about me. I find it so tiresome having to scroll through headlines and teasers about other candidates who are running for my next job. (Hillary Just Hillary, America’s First Political Diva)

So what are YOU waiting for, Person of the Year? Click on to “Political Wire” and get your political fix. Everybody’s doing it…

Deer Contraceptive Movement Fully-Baked & Cured (in Absurdity)

It looks like the Auto-Body Repair industry had better step up its lobby efforts. The Iowa Department of Natural Resources, the Environmental Protection Agency and Iowa state lawmakers are toying with the idea of approving and regulating a deer contraceptive that could possibly “curb the state’s multimillion-dollar deer problem”:

Researchers at the National Wildlife Research Center, a branch of the U.S.
Department of Agriculture, are developing the contraceptive vaccine, called
GonaCon. They intend to submit it to the Environmental Protection Agency in
March, said Gail Keirn, a spokeswoman for the research
center…

…Garner, of the DNR, warns that the single-shot
drug being developed might not be the perfect answer. It's likely to be
expensive - $300 to $1,000 - to capture then inject each deer. The drug lasts
two years, but deer can live for a decade. And, he said, thinning a herd would
still require guns - to reduce the population to a size that's sustainable for
the habitat.

Opponents of the deer contraceptive are concerned the deer contraceptives may be misused and will fall into the wrong hands; including but not limited to deer breeders, over-protective parents of teenagers, and/or political operatives hell bent on sabotaging an opponent’s campaign at any cost.

No worries, the Iowa legislature is thinking the same thing and is drafting a bill (Study Bill 1112 and House File 37) that would aim regulation (preferably with a user-friendly cross bow) at regulating wildlife contraceptives:

The law would prohibit Iowans from giving any drug - for fertility control,
disease prevention or treatment, growth stimulation or immobilization - to wild
animals without written authorization from the state. A violation would be a
serious misdemeanor punishable for up to a year in jail and a fine of at least
$315.

At a $1000 a pop, there has to be a more cost-effective approach to fixing Iowa’s overpopulated deer problem, which helped conceive the following solutions:

Saltpeter Licks: Strategically place large bricks of saltpeter licks around perimeters of heavily-populated deer areas. This should help kill their sex drive and urge to take over the world by over-propagating their race.

Provide scientific-based sex education classes to young bucks. This should help enlighten bucks see the repercussions of engaging in high-risk, unprotected polygamous relationships.

Implement faith-based initiatives which promote abstinence over promiscuity. Deer should be raised with the notion that it’s okay to wait for their destined fill of buck shot or their fated front end collision with an urban assault vehicle – both of which will take them one step closer to their Creator.

Extend the deer-hunting season to parallel the political campaign season. Since the latter has morphed into a continuous cycle, we could have deer hunting on a year round basis in Iowa; although, this may impede deer from adequately serving their constituents and passing meaningful legislation.

Erect cautionary deer-mating signs. Not only will this cut down on accidents involving motor vehicles and copulating deer, but the signs will prompt pre-pubescent children to start asking parents questions about the breeding process.

Congress Makes Unprecedented Move: Actually Debate Iraq War!?

Nearly forty months after Congress approved the Iraq War Resolution, they’re prepared to make a bold, unprecedented move on the congressional floor: Hold a nonbinding debate over the War in Iraq!?

If you remember, back in October of 2002 our Congress signed over their powers to President Bush, granting the Commander in Chief the almighty power to authorize military intervention in Iraq if Saddam Hussein refused to give up weapons of mass destruction. All of this was done with little debate or dissent, other than Senator Byrd’s attempt to filibuster against the resolution -- arguing the resolution amounted to a “blank check” for the White House. His attempt was cut off on a 75 to 25 vote. "This is the Tonkin Gulf resolution all over again," Byrd said. "Let us stop, look and listen. Let us not give this president or any president unchecked power. Remember the Constitution." (Wink, Wink*: The Senate voted overwhelmingly to repeal the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution on June 24th of 1970.)

And now Congress wants their powers back? Several congressional members and presidential candidates have drafted nonbinding resolutions in a posthumous attempt to chip away at the Commanding Chief’s powers.

Wonder-Congress Powers form into a “Politically Lethal Non-Binding Resolution…” (Poof, followed by cloud of smoke and mirrors)

Nonetheless, let the nonbinding debates begin, and let’s watch and see if the GOP pulls a Senator Byrd and attempts to filibuster the proposed non-binding resolutions. Maybe a nonbinding filibuster is in order, eh?

If this pans out for Congress, who knows what they’ll do next with their Wonder-Congress Powers: Hold a non-binding debate over the Patriot Act? The No Child Left Behind Act? The Civil Rights Act? The 14th Amendment? This year's final BCS standings? Or the authenticity of the Constitution’s ratification?

*Here’s your loophole folks: Bush also must certify that action against Iraq would not hinder efforts to pursue the al Qaeda terrorist network that attacked New York and Washington. Hmmmmm…

Update: Gee, looks like the Republicans pulled a Senator Byrd filibuster after all -- only the Republicans held their party line. Got cloture? Who ya gonna call? FILIBUSTERS!!!