Walking the “Political Wire” (A Review)

Looking for a quick political fix? Need a bump to help stave off an onset of political withdrawls? No problem; Political Fallout has the solution for you. Click on to “Political Wire” (see blogroll under “National Fallout”) and Taegan Goddard will help get you wired.

Political Wire is a political junky’s daily “must read” for your layman political junky, hardcore addict, and political satirists alike. Depending upon where the stars align with each day’s political climate, I fall into all of these categories. PW is the political AP of our times, and I find myself walking the “Political Wire” at least twice a day (without a net mind you), searching for political morsels and unsuspecting subjects for my next satirical bit.

Here’s what some of Political Fallout’s contributors and satiric subjects have to say about “Political Wire”:

“Political Wire keeps close tabs on all the players in D.C., and now that Jimbo and I are bringing our A-game to Iowa, we hope they’ll extend their wire to the Heartland.” (Jimmy the Hustler, “Nussle and Flow”)

“What I love about Political Wire is that it’s fair and balanced (need more link to stories shedding positive light on Romney's presidential bid) and how it keeps me abreast of what’s going on (my latest shift in political philosophy). Without Political Wire (and all my staff who reads the news online to inform me about what’s going on), I would be just another former GOP Yankee governor running for president, who just happens to be a Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong with that).” (Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney)

“If only I could use Political Wire to build a fence along the Mexican Border to help keep out illegal immigrants, who are coming to Iowa in droves in an attempt to vote illegally and overthrow my reign of Western Iowa.” (Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Political Master of Horror)

“I love reading all the articles about me on Political Wire. I only wish they would make it easier to read articles that are just about me. I find it so tiresome having to scroll through headlines and teasers about other candidates who are running for my next job. (Hillary Just Hillary, America’s First Political Diva)

So what are YOU waiting for, Person of the Year? Click on to “Political Wire” and get your political fix. Everybody’s doing it…

The Adventures of Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man): Volume 2

Faster than a breeding polygamous Mormon Fundamentalist, more powerful than the Christian Right, and able to leap Latter Day Saints’ Churches without snagging his temple garments: It’s a dove, it’s a hawk, why it’s Super Subliminal Mormon Man!

Republican presidential candidate Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney brought his outsourced Yankee snake oil (brewed and bottled by unwed children in remote salt flats of Utah) to Waterloo on Friday night, throwing a change-up pitch at voters (potential snake-oil consumers): Focus on his political resume (voted Democrat in ’92, supported gay marriage, tried to out-liberal Ted Kennedy in senatorial bid), not the liberal reputation of the state it was written (officially dubbed, “The Most Liberal State GOP Money Can Buy,” while he was the state’s CEO).

Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts, touted his conservative credentials (purchased from company advertised in back of “Rolling Stone” magazine) on education, budgets and social issues in a state (“You-Know Where”) known as a Democratic stronghold (New Iraq). "There are a few Democrats there (the “Place-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named”)," Romney joked with more than 250 people during lunch at a local brew pub (What Would Joseph Smith Jr. Say?). "But there are also a few good Republicans (1.5), conservatives like myself (John Kerry and Ted Kennedy) who battle away ... working with good people (both hetero- and homosexual) on both sides of the aisle to get things done (wink, wink)."

Romney, 59, was elected to his single term as governor in 2002. He stepped down earlier this month to join a crowded field of Republicans (polygamous sausage fest) seeking the nomination (of Head Sausage Meister). Romney touted his record on education: "Republicans care about education (testing). Democrats can't do what needs to be done there (“You-Know-Where”). They are so wedded to the teachers union (marriage not recognized outside of the “Place-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named) they can't put kids first (front lines of salt flats)."

Several attendees said they liked his support for President Bush's plan to send more troops to Iraq (Oh, when the Latter Day Saints go marching in…)

“Yuletide Homophobia”: The Adventures of Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man)

Faster than a breeding polygamous Mormon Fundamentalist, more powerful than the Christian Right, and able to leap Latter Day Saints’ Churches without snagging his temple garments: It’s a dove, it’s a hawk, it’s Super Subliminal Mormon Man!

Vol. 1: “Yuletide Hompophobia”

On Wednesday night, Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney’s Commonwealth (oxymoron) PAC (Political Action for Christ and/or Cash) hosted a Christmas party (get drunk in the name of Jesus, commit regrettable acts underneath the mistletoe while simultaneously making mental note to ask Jesus for forgiveness the next day) in West Des Moines (not to be confused with its sinister neighbor, Des Moines), where the GOP faithful (no $ denominations excluded) gathered to celebrate the birth of Jesus (when everybody but Jesus gets to open presents), energize his potential base (fellow same-sex marriage bashers), and take a united stand against Homosexuals (people who, technically, cannot help propagate the Mormon movement with more foot soldiers).

During the festivities, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney affirmed his opposition to gay marriage. "I feel very strongly (more than my affection for Joseph Smith Jr. and Jesus combined) that we (the insecure) should preserve traditional marriage (one man and as many women as he wants for Fundamentalist Mormons) and at the same time preserve our heritage of respect for people who make different choices in their life (excommunicate them from the Mormon Church immediately!)," said Romney, governor of the only state to have legalized gay marriage. "I know there are some people (those who don’t ascribe to the untenable logic of the Latter day Saints) who would say, 'Your position is inconsistent,' but I don't believe it is (not documented in Joseph Smith Jr.'s teachings)."

Romney opposes same-sex marriage and extending to gay couples most of the legal rights afforded to heterosexual couples. He said Wednesday he was open to allowing gay couples hospital visitation rights (if they wear rubber gloves), for instance, but declined to list other rights he would extend (freedom of religious worship if renounces homosexuality and joins the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints).

Last week, a gay community newspaper in Boston reprinted a letter Romney wrote (cannot be held responsible, for under the influence of human compassion at the time) to a gay GOP group in 1994 in which the then-candidate for U.S. Senate pledged to support the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act.

"As a result of our discussions (in gay Mormon chat room) and other interactions (while wearing additional layer of protective temple garments) with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever (including Mormon doctrine itself) that as we (the chosen heterosexuals of Jesus Christ) seek to establish full equality (let’s not go overboard here) for America's gay and lesbian citizens (When did they become citizens?), I will provide more effective leadership (behind closet doors) than my opponent (Satan’s Little Helper)," he wrote in the closing weeks of his unsuccessful bid to unseat Sen. Edward Kennedy.

Romney told reporters last week that he no longer supports the federal nondiscrimination act, saying it would invite a flood of lawsuits (build Ark and save Mormon followers from deluge of litigation), according to press reports. He has also said that his support for equal rights for gays and his opposition to legal status for gay couples are consistent (blind faith here).