Got Scandal?: Iowa’s Bottom Nontroversies of 2008

"That's it...say it...say it...don't be shy..."

Like our ancestors the Brits, Americans love a good scandal.

However, unlike the Brits, American journalists and the Sound-Bite Corporate Media Machine are willing to sacrifice real journalism for gotcha journalism, especially in the political realm.

Armed with pens, laptop computers, video cameras, crackberrys, cell phones, tiki-torches and temptresses – journalists, bloggers and concerned citizens have assumed the role of makeshift paparazzi and hit the campaign trail in search of their 15 minutes of fame.

Unfortunately a number of gotcha moments only became controversial when the media, like blood-deprived leeches, clung to the nontroversy and spun it through its continuous loop of 24-hours news, which only contains an estimated 30 minutes of new news according to a recent Political Fallout study.

At the national level John Ridley catalogued a number of the top Nontroversies in 2008.

Meanwhile in Iowa, here are some of the Bottom Nontroversies of 2008:

Muslim Statehouse prayer threatens Christian faithful (outside of Iowa). Iowa’s 2008 General Assembly appeared to start off fairly smoothly with an invocation by Imam Muhammad Khan of Des Moines on the first day of the session Jan. 14. Not until outside agitators, including conservative talk show hosts and anti-Muslim organizations stuck their self-righteous noses in did this become a nontroversy.

GOP voter challenge/suppression of Grinnell College student voters falls short during November election. Ironically, the seeds of this challenge were planted by GOP adversary Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Iowa Caucuses. The Clinton campaign feared, justifiably so, Sen. Barack Obama’s turn out of young voters. Where was Joe the College Student when Obama needed him or her?

Rep. Steve King’s Little Shop of Horrors (A Tone-Deaf Musical). Iowan’s have become accustomed to the 5th district earsore, whose only claim-to-fame is measured in cubic vitriolic spew units (cvsu). Most Iowans have managed to ignore our very own political Master of Horror, hoping that if we ignore him he will simply disappear. Poof! Unfortunately, the national media keep feeding his Napoleon complex by running his nontroversial statements to help bolster otherwise slow nontroversial weeks.

During his "Oh-the-Places-We-Can-Drill" tour of western Iowa, Rep. Steve King pulls out one of his trusty nontroversy props to illustrate why drilling is the best answer to our energy consumption crisis.

Iowa Democrat Party serves up new brand of McCarthyism to Des Moines Register. As if the media needed any help (although given the recent across-the-board layoffs in journalism, maybe they could use a little help from their “friends”) scouring court documents for juicy details of elected officials past foibles, Rep Kevin McCarthy and the Gang delivered a neatly-labeled binder exposing several Republican Iowa House candidates’ backgrounds. Opposition research or good ol’ fashioned Witch Hunt? You make the call, dear Reader. Either way this should help ease the divisiveness of the two sides come Jan. 12, eh?

Gov. Chet Culver’s condo habit. Okay, so the Big Lug has an addiction to vacationing in million-dollar condos in Florida that just happen to be owned by real-estate tycoon Bill Knapp, who in turn happens to be a contributor to Culver’s campaign and longtime family friend of the Culvers. At least Chet admits he has a problem and that he is paying the $1000/week fee for using the Knappster’s condo. I’m sure that ever since he won his gubernatorial bid, the Big Lug has been scratching his head, wondering: “Hmmmm…now that I work for the people of Iowa, does that mean I still get to keep my friends with benefits before I was elected?” Had Chet done what most state employees who went to the Outback Bowl did, cut lodging expenses by cramming 20 people into one condo, some folks may be a little more forgiving of the Big Lug's addicition.

Gov. Chet Culver: "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to heavily discounted million-dollar condos in Florida owned by a major campaign contributor and longtime friend with benefits."

And Iowa's bottom nontroversy of 2008?

“Smokin in the Guv’s Car”: starring First Lady Mari Culver. While the passage of the public smoking ban may have been controversial -- given Gov. Culver other addiction: gambling revenues (Hmmm…I wonder if gaming lobbyists get the same discount on the Knappster’s condominiums?) – catching his mate, Mari Culver, smoking in a state-owned vehicle is by no means as controversial as the media and some Republican lawmakers made it out to be.

Mari admitted to breaking the law, paid the fine and promised she would never do it again.

Admitted adulterer John Edwards unites with admitted smoker in public places Mari Culver during a campaign stop, both sharing the same thought: "God I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

But the nontroversy did not end there. The newly appointed Iowa House Minority Leader Kraig Paulsen used the incident as a springboard to draw the line in the political sand, calling for a probe into whether the state should fund Mari’s police escort service.

As the economic crisis hits home, I’m sure this nontroversy will be a high priority when the legislative session reconvenes Jan 12.

Vilsack Trades in Sugar Mamma for Ag Secretary Gig

It looks like Iowa’s adopted son and former governor, Tom Vilsack, has a new benefactor. Vilsack, whose Sugar Mama, Hillary Clinton, was already tagged President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary State, was named Secretary of Agriculture by Obama.

For those of you who live outside of Iowa or have been blessed with a short-term political memory, Vilsack was the second Democrat to drop out of the never-ending presidential race. He left a $400,000 campaign debt in his wake, which his democratic rival and soon-to-be Sugar Mama agreed to retire with no strings attached – assuming of course there was no under-the-table agreement to deliver Iowa to Hillary, Inc. in exchange for his hefty national co-chair stipend and Obama attack dog duties.

The highlight of Vilsack's failed presidential bid was his V-logo, which drew comparisons to "1984" and "V for Vendetta"

If so, Hillary should be demanding a refund after her third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

And now Obama, who is $30 billion in the black, has agreed to help Hillary retire her $7.5 million campaign debt.

Nobody said "The Team of Rivals" was going to be cheap.

SNL resurrects Hillary Clinton: “Secretary of State is better than being governor of Alaska”

Just when you thought it was safe to watch Saturday Night Live again…

(Jaws theme here)

Landshark?

No: the Clintons.

With Hillary’s Secretary of State nomination, the Clintons, much to the joy of SNL and satirists alike, will be around for another eight years or so.

Palin & Clinton Flaunt Nonpartisan Baggage on Saturday Night Live

When I first saw Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, I thought she looked like Tina Fey and imagined the elitist late-night sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live, would have a field day with Palin.

SNL wasted no time satirizing Palin last night with its opening sketch:

“A Nonpartisan Message from Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillary Clinton”



Best Juxtaposed Lines:

Clinton: “I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy."

Palin: “I can see Russia from my house.”

Best Straight Talk:

Clinton: “I invite the media to grow a pair and if you can’t, I will lend you mine.”

This line especially hit home after Team McCain and the GOP Machine called for a jihad on the press at its widely covered Republican National Commercial.

The latter may be "The Campaign to Nowhere's" undoing, for it may work on the GOP base, but it is likely to push the Independents into Obama’s camp.

Will Hillary be the next Nader?

Recent history indicates that the Democrats have been successful at one thing: losing presidential elections.

As Americans face the prospects of never-ending wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, an economy that has tanked, the foreclosure crisis, health care costs still growing exponentially in relation to inflation, and myriad other indicators that spell out political D-O-O-M for the incumbent’s party, this year’s presidential election is the Democrat’s to lose.

But don’t underestimate the Democratic Party, which has been saddled with the historic curse of losing the presidency to George W. Bush not once, but twice.

When in doubt, leave it to the Democrats to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Besides handing over presidential elections, the only enterprise Democrats have been more successful at the past eight years is blaming everyone but themselves. They have cornered the market on political scapegoats.

In 2000, the poster boy for Al Gore’s failure was the Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, who has been demonized by party loyalists. Nader’s spoiler status spilled over into the 2004 election but was deemed less of a threat by the Democratic Party. Nonetheless, under the direction of Terry McAuliffe, who served as Hillary Clinton’s national campaign chairman during her failed presidential bid, the Democratic National Committee took no chances and tied Nader up in court and drained his resources with lawsuits challenging his ballot access in several states.

This doesn’t sound very democratic, now does it?

However, Nader’s reigning scapegoat status was challenged and inevitably pushed aside by the new scapegoat on the block: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, who helped sabotage fellow Vietnam veteran Sen. John Kerry’s bid with its book, “Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry.” The 527 group managed to effectively smear Kerry’s name, thus supplanting Nader for the reason why he lost.

This week as the Democrats gather for the Democratic National Convention in Denver to coronate their new presidential nominee, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, a subtext is brooding underneath the unity narrative the Democrats are trying to spin as the general election revs into full gear.

Three words: Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Clinton, who was narrowly defeated by Obama in the Democratic primaries, has helped cultivate a loyal following, which is not ready to let go of their mentor’s monumental run that fell just short of victory a few months ago. Although Clinton has endorsed Obama, her most fervent supporters have yet to be won over by him. Moreover, some of these voters have vowed to vote for the presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain of Arizona. The most recent Zogby poll indicates that only 56 percent of Clinton-backers would vote for Obama, while 21 percent intend to vote for McCain.

The general election campaign is still young and there is time for some political wounds to heal, but to throw support from Hillary to McCain, who resides on the other end of the political spectrum, or I had assumed, doesn’t make a great deal of sense. I could understand harboring some differences with Obama regarding policy, but jumping on board with McCain suggests a few things.

For these voters, McCain’s ideology is more aligned with Clinton than Obama, which would point to a possible reason as to why the majority of Democratic voters didn’t vote for Clinton.

If these voters are upset and bitter about the outcomes and want to seek revenge against Obama, why not throw support behind third-party candidates such as Ralph Nader or the Green Party’s Cynthia McKinney?

Unlike the faulty logic of the past two elections, when Democrats’ power of persuasion was reduced to “A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush,” there is no logical breakdown with: “A vote for McCain is a vote for McCain.”

What remains unclear is what exactly the Clinton faithful want from the Obama campaign, or what will appease them, thus enticing them back to voting for their party’s nominee. Some of these Hillraisers feel that Obama’s campaign did not reach out to them enough or disrespected them through the campaign’s treatment of their candidate in the post-primary fallout.

Some were holding out for a possible vice presidential slot for Clinton, but these hopes were officially dashed at 3 a.m. Saturday, when Obama text-messaged his choice for VP: Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware.

In a CNN poll conducted after this announcement:

Sixty-six percent of Clinton supporters -- registered Democrats who want Clinton as the nominee -- are now backing Obama. That's down from 75 percent in the end of June. Twenty-seven percent of them now say they'll support McCain, up from 16 percent in late June.

As the Democratic National Convention gets under way, it will be interesting to see how this subtext plays out as the Democratic Party attempts to build a unified front before taking on the Republicans in the final leg of the election.

Feeling disenfranchised by Obama and the DNC, one group, Political Unity My A.. (PUMA) refuses to give up the fight for Hillary. Although I’m not sure what they are still fighting for at this point, rather, it is what they are fighting against that appears to be behind their vow to make their voices heard at the convention.

The underlying threat that if their demands aren’t met, there will be hell to pay come November threads it way throughout the P.U.M.A. manifesto found on the group’s website:

But what our adversaries fail to realize is that it is not just we the people with PUMA affiliations that will make the difference in November.

It is all of us, all across this great country who feel disenfranchised, betrayed and hoodwinked by Obama and the DNC.

It is all of us who see through Obama’s persona.

It is all of us who believe that the measure of a man is his character. That people should be judged by the company they keep, the truths they live by and the lies they tell. Judged by whether they pander to the popular line, or take a hard stance, accepting the consequences of their actions and having the courage of their convictions.

Sensing the discord among the Clinton supporters who feel disenfranchised, the McCain campaign attempted to woo these voters by releasing some new ads after Obama picked Biden as his running mate.

McCain Ad: Clinton Supporters Can Come to Me




McCain’s ad, featuring former Clinton delegate and PUMA Debra Bartoshevich of Wisconsin, attempts to simultaneously woo Clinton supporters and appease any guilt about switching sides, but his ad may prove to backfire. The new poll numbers were already in his favor, not to mention, the Democrats were already lined up in a circular firing squad.

Exploiting Clinton and her supporters may only serve as the perfect opportunity to bring the two factions together and turn on the external enemy.

Either way, there’s a great deal at stake for Clinton’s future aspirations, should Obama lose in November. The Democrats will be out for blood and the Hillary Democrats who voted for McCain will offer a perfect target. However, they won’t blame Clinton’s supporters, because they’ll need a face to put on the scapegoat, and that is where Hillary Rodham Clinton comes in to play.

However, Clinton will be the headliner at the convention Tuesday, thus providing her an opportunity to assuage her supporters and convince them to get behind Obama, before she unleashes her delegates on Wednesday.

This will be the first step in the healing process, but the polls suggest Clinton may have more work cut out for her over the coming months. Granted, Clinton is not alone in this enterprise. Obama needs to reach out to these supporters as well and work to convince any undecided voters he should be the next president. But he can only throw the rope so far, and it may be up to Clinton to convince her loyal following to let go and move on.

For Clinton, the difference between them letting and not letting go may be the difference between her being a hero or a goat – a scapegoat that is.

Insourcing Rock ‘n’ Roll: Guess Who Invaded Coralville’s 4thFEST

When I think about Independence Day (the actual day celebrating the birth of our nation and not the movie, which I had managed to successfully repress until NOW), several American staples come to mind. These include the clichéd standbys such as baseball, apple pie, and last but not least, Canadian rock ’n’ roll.

You heard me loud and clear: Canadian rock ’n’ roll!

While North Americans have obsessed about our neighbors to the south crossing our borders in massive droves, we’ve turned a blind, albeit nostalgic eye to the north as Canadians cross the border and infiltrate our culture.

Such was the case on the eve of Independence Day when longtime Canadian rockers The Guess Who invaded Coralville’s 4thFEST and wooed more than 1,000 unsuspecting American citizens at S.T. Morrison Park.

Three generations of The Guess Who jam to "No Time." Pictured from left to right (1st to 3rd generation) are Derek Sharp, Laurie MacKenzie and co-founder- Jim Kale.

However, when you delve below the surface of their seemingly innocuous lyrics, as in the case of The Guess Who’s most famous hit, “American Woman,” you can’t help but feel the anti-American sentiments brewing and biting off the hand that fed the group its '70s fame.

American woman, said get away
American woman, listen what I say
Don’t come hangin’ around my door
Don’t wanna see your face no moreI don’t need your war machines
I don’t need your ghetto scenes
Coloured lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else’s eyesNow woman, get away from me
American woman, mama let me be.

Metaphorically, it is clear that the “American woman” in the song is the United States and the narrator, Canada, is tempted by certain aspects of the American way of life but isn’t willing to accept the dark side of our capitalistic ways such as ghettos scenes and war machines. In light of these messages, the Coralville crowd adopted the Canadian anthem and was hypnotized by the song as they nodded their perfunctory heads and sang along as if reciting the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Despite the crowd’s complacency, front man and lead singer Derek Sharp (pictured left) took no chances and came out of the patriotic closet. Sharp, who has been touring with the band since April, joining after Carl Dixon was in a serious car accident, told the audience that he was celebrating his first Fourth of July as a citizen of the United States. He confided that he has been living in North Carolina for the past 17 years and recently received his U.S. citizenship. However, Sharp was reluctant to completely sever ties with his Canadian homeland.

“I’m still a citizen of Canada as well,” Sharp announced to the crowd, most of whom had no idea The Guess Who was Canadian bred in the first place. “Now I’m a citizen of the best two countries in the world!”

The Guess Who is not the only group to infiltrate our borders, but it is the first Canadian rock group to usurp the No. 1 slot on American charts, doing so in 1970 with “American Woman.” Before that, the band’s occupation in the United States was overshadowed by the British Invasion, which took root in 1964 when the Beatles landed in America. The Rolling Stones led the second wave of the British invasion 18 months later, followed by third wave spearheaded by The Who two years after that.

The British Invasion gave the The Guess Who more freedom to move about the U.S. and establish its roots without drawing notice from the watchful eyes of J. Edgar Hoover or the pop charts. Granted, the group traveled under its alias name, “Chad Allen & the Expressions,” until the group’s record company, Quality Records, attempted to create a mystique about the band by crediting its hit single to the “Guess Who.” The name stuck, and the group was outed in the U.S. and could no longer fly under Hoover’s ubiquitous radar.

The Guess Who, however, is by no means the most famous Canadian rock band to infiltrate our borders. That honor goes to “godfather of grunge” Neil Young, who crossed the border in the late '60s with his group Buffalo Springfield (two distinct American names, eh?). Uneasy about anti-Canadian sentiments, Young’s solo career took a detour with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, thus placating American audiences before unleashing his barrage of anti-war and protest songs, most notably “Four Dead in Ohio,” “Alabama” and “Southern Man.”

The latter two songs did not go unnoticed by homegrown Southern rockers Lynrd Skynrd, who took offense to the Canadian rocker’s racial undertones and slight against the South:

In Birmingham, they love the governor (boo boo boo)
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?Tell the truth...

Lynrd Skynrd fired back with its Southern anthem “Sweet Home Alabama,” which not only expressed its regional pride but also took a jab at Young:

Well I heard mister Young sing about her [Alabama]
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow

Since The Guess Who first invaded America in 1965, several other soloists and groups have followed and found success, including Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell, 40 percent of Steppenwolf, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Rush, April Wine, Triumph and, lest we forget, Loverboy.

Forty-three years later, The Guess Who is still rocking and taking jobs that American bands don’t want, such as playing the 4thFEST in Coralville. However, only two of the five original members graced the stage to serve up some of the band’s greatest hits, blinding the baby-boomer audience into a nostalgic stupor.

(Note: The following footage was shot on location by non-union cameramen from Canada, who also were not legal citizens of the Unites Sates during the filming, thus explaining the Blair Witchian feel throughout the song.)

The Guess Who Invade Iowa (“No Sugar Tonight”)



Meanwhile, The Guess Who, among other Canadian musicians, are stealing jobs from hard-working white Americans, most of whom the pundits discovered supported Sen. Hillary Clinton’s failed presidential bid. Ironically, Clinton’s hands are less than bloody when it comes to insourcing Canadian musicians, when considering a plethora of washed-up American ‘70s bands or contemporary garage bands would have sufficed.

After all, it was Hillary who adopted Canadian diva Celine Dion’s song “You and I” as the official theme song of her campaign. To add insult to injury, the song had already been commissioned by Canada’s national airline, Air Canada. So not only did Clinton insource Canadian music, she helped outsource the Canadian airline’s marketing strategy through her campaign.

The Guess Who finished its 70-minute set, billed to the City of Coralville at a price tag of $35,000 (that’s 35,000 American dollars, folks, or $200/minute), with “These Eyes.”

…These eyes watched you bring
My world to an endThis heart could not accept and pretend
The hurtin's on me yeahBut I will never be free no no no
You took a vow with me yeah
You spoke it - you spoke it…

Similar to “American Woman,” I’m sure the “you” in the song is the U.S., and I for one guarantee that when The Guess Who returns to Iowa Aug. 23 in Davenport, these eyes of mine will be watching.

And I’m sure I won’t be alone.

Jump the Shark: Clinton’s Grassroots Movement Becomes Parody of Itself?

Maybe Hillary Just Hillary’s top-down campaign strategy of keeping a tight leash on any semblance of a grassroots movement wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Letting go can be very dangerous, and it looks like her grassroots peeps had their jump-the-shark moments in the YouTube world. (Jump the Shark: an allusion to the moment during the TV series, “Happy Days,” in which the Fonz jumped a shark on waterskis (see video below). Verb: For something, often a television show, to have a significant storyline development whose ridiculousness or incredibility signifies that the series has lost its previous quality.)

Fonzie Jumps the Shark



In what appears to be an attempt to rival Obama’s grassroots video, “Yes We Can,” Hillary Just Hillary’s across-the-river grassroots camp made its own set of videos. After several viewings, Political Fallout’s investigative video team (the very same team which has been analyzing “recent” Osama bin Laden tapes to determine if it is indeed bin Laden or an unemployed actor from LA named Gary) has yet to determine whether the Hillary-inspired videos are parodies of pop culture songs or merely parodies of themselves. (Note: Both videos have been sent over to England, where they are currently being used for “Operation Clockwork Orange” -- an experiment trying to reverse behavioral disorders among London’s unruly droogs.)

We’ve juxtaposed the videos with actual parody videos, hoping you, dear readers, can give us any insight into the sources and/or intent of these videos. (Warning: Viewer discretion is advised and Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for the destruction of anyone’s aesthetic sensibilities due to viewing any one of these videos in its entirety. View at your own risk.)

Hillary & Hillary



PINE - Laverne & Shirley Theme



Hillary 4U&Me



The Chaser Decides "The Jackson 5 ABC" Parody

How Will Clinton Spin Out of Potomac Spanking Machine?

The results from the Beltway are rolling in: Snap! Crackle! Pop!

No, our beloved little Rice Krispies’ friends aren’t projecting tonight’s winners, rather, that was the crisp staccato of the political spanking machines reverberating across Virginia, Maryland, and the District of Columbia

Now that Clinton’s Dynamic-Duo, Patti Doyle Solis and Mike Henry have stepped down (“Wonder-twin powers form into the political byproduct of a top-down campaign!”), to spend more time with their families I presume, the big question is how the Clinton Campaign will spin their way out the Potomac Spanking Machine: Snap! Crackle! Pop!

Here’s a glimpse into some possible spin scenarios:

Spin No. 1: Of course we lost the Potomac vote by such a wide margin; this clearly shows that Obama truly is the Establishment candidate. What next: Wisconsin, Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania? Don’t worry, we’re on to Obama and his follow-the-yellow-brick-road establishment strategy. In the meantime:

PLEASE DONATE NOW!!!

You spin me right round baby, like a record baby, right round…

Spin No. 2: Despite what the exit polls are saying, we’re winning the Dunkin Donut vote!

You spin me right round baby, like a record baby, right round…

Spin No. 3: People of Metropolis, this is no time to panic. What happens in a smoke-filled room at convention, stays in a smoke-filled room at convention (uproarious applause).

Look (points up to the sky): it’s a bird, no it’s a plane…why no, it’s Superdelegate!

(Note: this product-placement spin was bought and paid for by the Democratic Leadership Corporation, where "Moderate" is no longer a dirty word.)

You spin me right round baby, like a record baby, right round…

Spin No. 4: Endorsing Hope is so five minutes ago…

You spin me right round baby, like a record baby, right round…

Spin No. 5: ‘Tis a minor scratch, I’ve had much worse.

Obama “Yes We Can” Music Video Makes Hillary Cry

During a rare, off-camera, and unscripted moment on the eve of Super Tuesday, Hillary Just Hillary teared up while watching the newly released Obama music video, “Yes We Can.”

Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video



Why Hillary Just Hillary teared up remains a mystery, but Political Fallout has speculated as to why the former first lady’s tear ducts may have sprung a minor leak:

5. Senior Campaign Advisor Mark Penn, no relationship to Sean, had just informed his boss that Obama had out-raised her by $18 million in January

4. Video stoked fond memories of a training film produced at Wal-Mart while she served as its first female member (1986-1992). The training video instructed employees on how to resist unionizing efforts with a proven call-and-response technique:

Call: "Can We Bust ‘Em!?"

Response: “Yes We Can!”

3. The Black Eyed Peas will.i.am always make Hillary Just Hillary cry

2. Video reminded her of Bob the Builder episode when Farmer Pickels, despite the efforts of Bob and Wendy’s “Yes-We-Can” optimism, lost his family farm during the agribusiness boon in the ‘90s -- spearheaded by Slick Willy and the Corporate Pigs.

1. Now regrets having cast an absentee vote for herself in New York

Hillary Finds Precioussssss New Voice in NH

After her victory in New Hampshire Tuesday, Hillary Just Hillary turned her victory speech into a public confessional, “Over the last week I listened to you and in the process I found my own voice.”

Hillary practices new voice during Pledge of Allegience before springing it on unsuspecting New Hampshire supporters

This begs the following questions (feel free to use either Hillary Just Hillary’s new voice or her old voice when begging these questions, but do listen to your own voice during the pontification process):

-Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

-Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

To help address these questions, Political Fallout’s crack Crime Scene Investigators have been scouring the campaign trail for clues and has narrowed down the possible answers:

1. Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

a) Buried under $400,000 unmarked dollar bills stuffed between Tom Vilsack’s mattresses

b) In a haystack between “Let’s Have a Conversation” and “The Hillary I Know”

c) At the DLC convention in Tennessee, which all the Democratic candidates, including Hillary, skipped to attend the Daily Kos convention in Chicago

d) In a dust-coverd box in the White House attic labeled: “Hillary Rodham’s Stuff – 1991”

e) In Terry McAuliffe’ssssss other pantssss pocketsiessss: “In here preciousssss….me haves your voice precisousss. We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! “

2. Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

a) A pre-programmed, poll-tested voice concocted from over 5 million sound bites of HillarySpeak, which had also been poll-tested in several political niches

b) Terry McAuliffe's

c) A watered-down version of James Earl Jones's

d) “Tony's” -- Danny’s imaginary friend from “The Shining”: “Amabo…Amabo!”

e) Millli Vanillli's

Take the Hillary Challenge

Here’s a recent sampling of the New Hillary:



So what do you think?

We taste-tested a random sampling of Political Fallout readers and the overwhelming consensus was that they preferred the Classic Hillary over the New Hillary. We reassured them that it won’t be long before the Classic Hillary reemerges on the political shelves. Although, whether the same marketing genius that helped propel Classic Coke back into its frontrunner as the peoples' preferred pop (or soda for Easterners and coke for Southerners) remains to be seen.

Pseudo-Live Blog of Da Dem Debate

Jumping in a little late to the Democratic debate, but here goes.

Edwards joins Obama in "War of Change" against the Status Quo PrimaDona:

"We got change yes we do.
We got change, how about you?"

Clinton raises her voice:

"You want change, I got the most.
I got the most..."

Cue David Bowie’s “Changes…”

“Ch-ch-ch-changes…Turn and face the strange…”

“Boo, it’s me, Osama bin Laden…”

“Turn and face the strange…”

“Boo, it’s me: George Bush…”

“Ch-ch-ch-changes…”

Richardson, the little kid trapped at his friends when his friend’s parents start family fight over his head, jumps in with humor to ease the tension:

“I’ve seen more civil arguments in hostage negotiations.”

Speaking of change, let’s ch-ch-ch-change the subject.

I finally figured out who Edwards reminds me of when he speaks and gesticulates, using his thumb and forefinger(s) when making points: Quincy, M.D. (from the TV Drama):

Quincy speaking in the morgue over a frozen cadaver: “Sam, can’t you see. If we don’t do anything to stop the meaningless slaughter of people caught in the perpetual cycle of poverty whose only crime was being born under the Reagan era and crushed to death by a maelstrom of trickle-down economics, we’ll be performing millions more autopsies just like this one. Something has to be done before it’s too late, and I intend to do something about it. Pack your bags, Sam, we’re going to an off-shore bank to find some answers and maybe do a little snorkeling…for answers of course."

Scott notices double-team on Hillary: Why don’t New Hampshire voters like you?

That hurt my feelings. (Newsbreak: Hillary has feelings. Details at 10).

Hillary is comparing Obama to Bush? Who in their right mind would want to have a beer with Bush? Don’t people know that drinking beers with Bush is dangerous business? The odds of choking on a pretzel are astounding?

Newsflash: According to Fred Thompson, the Liberals like Obama more than “Law and Order.”

Bill’s eyes are caught in the caught in the what-have-you-done-about-energy-lately headlights. Blink, Bill, blink…Quick, Edwards, loan Bill some of your blinks before his eyes dry up.

Bill says Al Gore is right and deserves the “Noble Price…?”

Political Fallout starts the bidding at $10… Can I get 15? Where’s Leonard Boswell when I need him and his auctioneer skills?

Scott challenges Edwards’ selective memory: “Scott, can’t you see; young children are dying because we don’t have a patients bill of rights…”

Note: John Edwards’ father gets a day off from retirement to attend the debate.

Clinton calls for “Reality Break”: Tsk, tsk, Hillary, even NH voters know that reality and politics don’t mix. Translate change into action. Again another political paradox. Let me check my English to Political Speak Dictionary for confirmation.

Political Action: see oxymoron.

Obama: “Words do matter.” Ain’t that the truth.

Bill feels the pain of do-nothing-Congress. You guys are screwin’ up my state.

Edwards & Obama: We need to unite and galvanize Americans and sick them on those big, mean lobbyists. Grab a bat folks and let’s take to the streets and march on K-Street. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can hook up with Romney’s father on K-Street as he marches with us.

Just Say No to Carbon Taxes. Way to go, you know everyone is going to start taxing carbon, just because you told them not to. Now we’ll never win the "War on Carbon Taxes." Cough…cough…cough…

Richardson reminds us again that he’s the only one who has balanced a budget as governor in New Mexico. Whew…I nearly forgot. Thanks, Bill. Which reminds me: Gov. Culver is the only governor who has been in the classroom over the past 20 years.

Now’s your chance to take back something you said in a previous debate:

Hillary…say it Hillary, say it…Drivers licenses for illegal immigrants….”I pass to the pundits…” I can’t wait to see the pundits run this back for a touchdown afterwards. Go Redskins.

Edwards: Sorry about teasing Hillary about her jacket. Liar, liar, pants on fire Johnny E.; that jacket was horrendous. My neighbor's purse dog has a matching sweater. In the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Dog: "That jacket is good enough for me to poop on..."

Stay tuned for the post-pundit spin. Thanks, but no thanks. Just say no to pundits.

“You spin me right round, baby, like a record baby, right round…”

Yawn, I think I’ll follow Obama’s lead and turn it to football.

Robot Heckles Bill Clinton on Behalf of Sister Souljah During Iowa Stop

Not everyone was happy to see Bill Clinton in Iowa City Tuesday night. Just as Clinton was about to hit his stride, an unidentified robot heckled the former president, who was playing the surrogate role while stumping for his wife, Hillary Clinton, at the Iowa Memorial Union on the University of Iowa campus.

Dressed as a contemporary robot reminiscent of Gort in the 1951 film “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (see pic below), the soon-to-be heckler mounted a chair on the media platform as if it was going to snap a picture of Clinton. The chair began to wobble a bit before fellow journalists offered support, not knowing at the time that they were aiding and abetting a future heckler.

Armed with a plastic microphone, the heckler, Mr. Ifobaca (Mad Robots in Favor of Bill Clinton Apologizing), made his demands:

“I want you to apologize to Sister Souljah!”

Trying to maintain his poise, Clinton initially fell into a sophomoric rebuttal: “Look, look into the mirror... ”

Clearly on a premeditated mission, Mr. Ifobaca began throwing dozens of multicolored slips of paper in the air, thus providing Clinton with the opportunity to recapture his wits and respond:

“You need to find a more responsible ways to protest than throwing graffiti around. “You can disagree with me without killing a tree.”

Most of the crowd laughed at Clinton’s quip (not because he said graffiti, when he meant to say confetti), but some were enraged by the disruption and began booing and yelling at Mr. Ifobaca. One woman, clearly a devout Hillraiser gauging by her Hillary flair adorning her blouse and matching jacket, began screaming at Mr. Ifobaca and waving her arms at the robot as if she intended to scratch his eyes out. Mr. Ifobaca, unperturbed by the woman, namely because he was wearing safety goggles for such occasions, was eventually escorted from the platform and ballroom by security.

After Mr. Ifobaca left, a Hillary Clinton team entered the media pit and made a mad scramble for the littered propaganda, making sure all the calling cards were collected before they fell into the wrong hands. The scene was reminiscent of the 1967 Abbie Hoffman stunt in which he and his fellow demonstrators threw fistfuls of dollars (most fake) down to traders on the New York Stock Exchange, some of whom booed, while others scrambled frantically to grab the money as fast as they could.

No charges were pressed against Mr. Ifobaca, who, unmasked, was not Klaatu, but rather Kembrew McLeod -- a tenured professor in the Communication Studies Department at the UI. McLeod, who has published four books on freedom of expression and intellectual property issues, has a documented history of committing pranks on his web site. McLeod is also a documentary filmmaker, including “Money for Nothing: Behind the Business of Pop,” which won the Rosa Luxemburg Award for Social Consciousness at the 2002 New England Film Festival.

McLeod, President of the Iowa Chapter of MR. IFOBCA has been on a mission for the last 15 years in an effort to get Clinton to apologize for “dissing Sister Souljah while happily accepting the honor of being America’s “'first black president,'” as novelist Toni Morrison once put it. In his manifesto, “Why did I bum rush Bill Clinton?,” Kembrew vows to continue sending an army of robots to all future Clinton appearances until he apologizes to Sister Souljah.

Kembrew made do on his vow Monday night, only Clinton did not reciprocate by publicly apologizing to Sister Souljah, the former member of the outspoken hip-hop group Public Enemy, a crew known for its pro-black politics.

Moreover, Kembrew makes the following claim on his manifesto:

The first time I fully realized Bill Clinton was not on the side of racial andsocial justice was after the “Sister Souljah Moment,” as it has come to be known in political circles. In a mean-spirited move—something straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook—Clinton tried to demonize a young Black woman named Sister Souljah by taking something she said out of context. Clinton did this to ingratiate himself with white upper-middle class swing voters during the 1992 presidential campaign, and he portrayed Sister Souljah as a reckless radical who advocated killing white people. This was patently false, and Bill Clinton knew it, but that didn’t stop him from cynically turning her into a sacrificial lamb that helped save his flagging campaign.

With less than a month left before the caucuses, the question remains whether McLeod or one of his robots will pop up on the campaign trail in Iowa.

Mr. Ifobca (alias Kembrew McLeod) is escorted out of the IMU by Clinton staffers, but vows to be back

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Breaking News: Clinton Endorses Clinton During Muscatine Dog-and-Pony Show

Iowans were surprised today when former President Bill Clinton hit the campaign trail in Muscatine, Iowa and endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for the coveted political nod: “The person I’d most likely want to go into a blizzard of adversaries until the last dog died.”

Dog-fighting adversaries, still reeling from the high-profile Michael Vick conviction, took note of Bill Clinton’s liberal use of dog-fighting metaphors and vowed to ramp up the anybody-but-Hillary voting contingency.

Hillary uses her powers of persuasion to convince Bill that she is well deserving of “The person I’d most likely want to go into a blizzard of adversaries until the last dog died” endorsement

In unrelated news, a spokesperson for Michelle Obama has indicated that Michelle, unphased by the recent Ophrah-endorsement bump, is leaning toward endorsing her husband Barack, but is holding off on her decision until she has met all of the candidates.

On Behalf of His Sugar Mama, Vilsack’s Workin’ Barack Obama

• With Greenwood Elementary School lurking in the backdrop, Hillary announces her $400,000 adoption of Tom Vilsack in exchange for his endorsement

Nobody messes with Vilsack’s Sugar Mama, not even you, Barack Obama.

In light of the recent fallout from the CNN/YouTube Democrat non-debate, in which Hillary and Obama disagreed on how they would handle diplomacy with rogue leaders (not including President Bush, whose “executive privalege” disqualifies him from rogue status), Clinton sicked her attack dog/benefactor on Obama today. Speaking on behalf of his political Sugar Mama, Vilsack told reporters on a phone conference that he was disappointed with Obama, citing discrepancies in some of Obama’s recent statements.:

“I would hope the senator would clarify his comments as to whether or not he is for preconditions or not and would cease and desist from distorting the record and comments of Senator Clinton.”

Cease and desist? Looks like Tommy Boy took no time reverting to his lawyerin’ days with such threatening legal jargon. Personally, I think Vilsack should have sent Obama a note saying:

Hey Barack,

You better stop messin’ with my Sugar Mama if you know what’s good for you. I don’t care what anybody says, sticks and stones do break bones. If you fail do cease and desist from attacking my Sugar Mama, I’ll have no choice but to settle this the old fashioned way at a bike rack of your choice. Just you and me, and don’t even think about trying any of that diplomacy stuff with me, smart guy. Or I’ll have the lean mean DLC propaganda machine spinning you into political oblivion before you know what hit you.

Tom Vilsack
Hillary’s Benefactor

By the way, Hillary Just Hillary, my offer regarding the Political Fallout endorsement still stands. For a mere $100,000, Political Fallout will officially endorse your candidacy. The Fallout bump should be enough to help deliver Iowa. Please contact me via e-mail to convey your wishes. I will not cease nor desist in my quest for your endorsement to endorse you in exchange for a mere pittance of your campaign war chest.

In the meantime, I’d like to give a shout out to Hillary and the other Sugar Mama’s out there in blogland:

Sugar Mama

Anything but the E-word: a Political Cautionary Tale

Just when you thought it was safe to support a presidential candidate based upon irrational factors such as qualifications, job experience, shared ideologies and values, the E-word reared its divisive little head. No, I’m not talking about evil or exit polls, but something far more dangerous to the electoral psyche: electability. There, I said it, but out of fear of saying it again, thus feeding its power, I will not say it again.

During the 2004 presidential election, the E-word managed to single-handedly destroy Democratic voters and their ability to think for themselves. And now, four years later, the political tables have turned as the E-word has seeped its way into GOP waters. As the second-quarter filing deadline neared last week, U.S. Sen. John McCain’s campaign manager sent out an e-mail soliciting donations from supporters, providing them with one reason to support McCain: "John McCain is the only candidate who can defeat Hillary Clinton.” Campaign manager Terry Nelson helped drive home this fear at the end of the message: “Please also pass this message along to your friends and family to remind them of the stakes in this election.” I assume by stakes he meant Clinton winning the nomination.

I imagine McCain’s rivals might have other ideas about this, not to mention Clinton’s Democratic rivals. Nonetheless, McCain’s stoking of the GOP base’s “Anybody but Hillary” fire is reminiscent of the “Anybody but Bush” mental quagmire that ensnared the Democrats in 2004, which ultimately devoured their chances of winning when they nominated Mr. Electable, John Kerry, who wasn’t so electable after all.

The question is how, when and why did the E-word pop into presidential politics. The short answers are Karl Rove, 2003, and to help get George W. Bush re-elected. I cannot prove that Rove was the mastermind behind injecting the E-word into the Democrats' camp, but it has the makings of a great theory in the mystical realm of political science.

Granted, I don’t have a well-financed think tank to gather selective evidence and conduct polls guaranteed to prove my theory, but I do have a hunch. And the last time I checked, hunches were free, unless they’re espoused by political consultants, who get paid well to be wrong. Just ask Bob Shrum, the Democrats' consultant whose abysmal 0-7 track record has yet to wield a winning presidential candidate, including his latest casualty, John Kerry. Besides, Rove plays a great Wizard of D.C., regardless of what levers he does or does not pull behind the political curtain.

Just before the 2004 Iowa Caucuses, the Democrats had been stricken with fear and had already succumbed to the “Anybody but Bush” mentality. The E-word consumed all of the other issues as the Democrats faced an identity crisis. Consequently, a number of Iowans went to the caucuses and voted for Kerry, despite the fact he was not their number one choice. I lost count of the number of times I heard voter say to me, “I really want ‘your preferred candidate here’ to win, but I think John Kerry has the best chance of beating Bush.” (Rove’s sinister laugh here as he pulls the E-word lever down.)

After caucus night, I put my hypothesis to the test when I attended to the 2nd District Democratic convention in southern Iowa. Throughout the day, I asked as many Kerry delegates as I could to give me three reasons why they or I should vote for Kerry. Most of Kerry’s supporters responded like robots, as if they had been transformed into a Rovian Stepford Voter: “Must beat Bush…Must beat Bush.” Any signs of reason had been replaced by vacant stares. It was at this point I knew there was something more to the E-word.

Regardless of the E-word’s origins, the fact remains that it did become an integral part of the voter psyche, handicapping Democrats as they raced to the middle and tried to go toe-to-toe with Republicans on their own turf. Instead of focusing on why their nominee should win the presidency, the Democrats’ strategy was to focus on why the GOP nominee should not win.

And now, with less than six months remaining until the Iowa Caucuses, the E-word has manifested in the GOP who, like the Democrats in ’04, are facing an identity crisis as they search for a candidate. Without a clear Democratic nominee, the Republican Party is shoring up its base by setting its sights on defeating the presumed front-runner, Clinton. Democrats aren’t immune to this as presidential hopefuls gear up for winning the party nomination. John Edwards, an E-word casualty in ’04, has already dropped the E-word in Iowa, proclaiming he is the best candidate positioned to win swing states and the general election.

The best way to eradicate the E-word from public political discourse is for voters to stop listening to the exterior voices and to pay attention to the voices inside their own heads. Granted, this is no easy task when the media keep perpetuating the presidential horse race with a bullhorn and pundits handicap the candidates, prognosticating like college football analysts.

In a society that usually champions underdogs, we’re quick to dismiss second- and third-tier presidential candidates, and are willing to sacrifice idealism for pragmatism. But who knows, maybe one day the Stepford Voters will be reprogrammed to think and speak for themselves: “Must vote conscience…Must vote conscience.”

Until then, I think I’ll adopt the “Anybody but me” mindset to help me decide whom I’ll vote for on the night of the Iowa Caucuses.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Billary Tuesday: Two Clintons for the Price of One

Growing up within walking distance of a Taco Johns “restaurant” was dangerous for more than the obvious reasons. Nicknamed “Toxic Juans,” me and my high school chums made a “runs for the border” every Tuesday to celebrate Taco Tuesday. Why only Tuesday? That was the only day I could afford to eat there on my daily food allowance. (Note: ice water was free.) Taco Tuesday has become a mainstay of Midwest Americana, so much so that the two-word phrase has been trademarked by Taco Johns.

The lean, mean Democratic Leadership Corporation branding machine begins branding the Clinton name in Iowa

Good thing, for it looks like the Clintons have begun tapping into the product branding foundation built up by President Bill Clinton in the ‘90s. Hillary Just Hillary started branding Hillary at the beginning of her campaign, but it was only a matter of time before the political branding and marketing efforts merged together.

Nonetheless, the Clinton’s product placement of Bill in Iowa this week should help solidify the merger for retail political consumers. The key for Hillary Just Hillary, as in any other marketing campaign, is to make sure that Bill’s branding doesn’t consume Hillary. This would be the equivalent of the Donkey Just Donkey in Shrek overshadowing Shrek’s ubiquitous green ogre image in consumer land. Only in the Clinton’s case, the opposite holds true, for Bill is Shrek -- so Hillary Just Hillary better be careful when it comes to branding the Clinton name. Like Taco Johns, political consumers may not be so willing to digest both Clintons come Caucus Day in Iowa.

JibJab’s “Star Spangled Banner” Breaks Fallout’s Top 5 List

Monday night I stayed up to watch Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” just to see Michael Moore and hear him talk about his new film, “Sicko.” (Note: Health Care is THE reason I entered the political arena in 2000.) Hopefully, his new film will turn people’s heads, but noT too far, because most HMO and private insurance policies don’t cover injuries due to rubbernecking and/or sticker shock. Trust me, I found out the hard way.

Before Moore’s appearance, Leno played JibJab’s video of 20th century presidents singing the “Star Spangled Banner.” The splicing, a perfect homage to Michael Moore’s splicing of stock political footage, takes words from the president’s mouths and strings them together to sing the “Star Spangled Banner” in its entirety.

JibJab’s “Star Spangled Banner”



By the end of the second commercial brake, JibJab’s version had already moved up to second on my list of all-time favorite renditions of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

What are the remaining versions, you ask? Rounding out Political Fallout’s top 5 renditions of “The Star Spangled Banner” are as follows:

No. 5: Rosanne Barr’s “Star Spangled Banner”



No. 4: Canadian Caroline Marcil’s “Star Mangled Banner”



No 3: Hillary Clinton’s “Star Spangled Banner” in Des Moines



No 2: JibJab’s Star Spangled Banner (see above)

No 1: Jimi Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner (Woodstock)

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Thank God for Hendrix, or is it the other way around? Either way, I had to inject some sense of dignity back into “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Note: Marvin Gaye’s version had been disqualified from the running, because whenever I hear it, all I think about sex. Having seen “Dr. Stangelove: Or I How Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” on numerous occasions, I’ve come to realize that sex and politics don’t mix.

(Warning: Watch at your own discretion. Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for any more children born out of wedlock.)

Marvin Gaye’s “Star Spangled Banner” (NBA Finals Game)

Jesus H. Clinton Parts Red and Blue Sea

Last night, during a forum on faith and politics, Hillary Just Hillary came down from the political polls and performed an act of divine intervention by parting the Red and Blue Sea. Hillary Just Hillary’s audience, primarily comprised of religious leaders, was shocked and awed by Her polarizing move. In the wake of the ceremonial parting, members of the newly formed Red and Blue seas, in honor of Jim Wallis’s “God’s Politics,” were respectively labeled the “Why We Get It Wrong Lil’ Red Guppies,” and “Why We Just Don’t Get It ‘Lil Blue Minnows.”

Hillary Just Hillary first introduced her trademarked Jesus-like pose a few months back when she descended upon Iowans while campaigning at a Mega-Townhall meeting in Des Moines (see below), where she attempted to convert Democrat activists into DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) believers.

After Hillary Just Hillary left the auditorium last night, it was reported that the ‘Lil Red Guppies and Blue Minnows” were arguing over which fish group would be the next prototype for the Hillary Just Hillary Fish bumper insignia.

Read more about the forum at "Iowa Independent": Faith and Politics: Presidential Candidates Tackle the Tough Questions in CNN Forum

Fallout’s Mock the Hillary Theme Song Vote

In an attempt to tune in with voters, Hillary Just Hillary has launched a campaign theme song election, and she’s imploring YOU, “Time” magazine’s 2006 Man of the Year, to rock (and a little bit country) the vote. Sounds totally Hillacious, eh? You know, like, music totally transcends political boundaries and corporate ties and stuff, you know. Like, check out the Hillary Just Hillster in her latest YouTube cameo:

“Video Killed the Political Star,” by Hillary Just Hillary



To help sustain the illusion of a bottom-up Democracy, Political Fallout has decided to participate in the campaign. After intensive internal and external polling, extensive test-marketing research, and conducting blind study groups (led by James Baker), we’ve announced the top 10 songs recommended to help spearhead “Political Fallout’s 2007 Mock the Vote” efforts.

Top 10 Write-In Candidates:

“The Grand Illusion” -- Styx

“I’m Just a Bill” – Jack Sheldon (Schoolhouse Rocks)

“Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” -- TLC (not to be confused with the DLC – Democrat leadership Corporation)

“Dream On” -- Aerosmith

“Little Willy” -- The Sweet

“Special Secret Song Inside” -- Red Hot Chili Peppers

“God Save the Queen” – Sex Pistols

The Iraq War Trilogy

Part I: “Masters of War,” by Bob Dylan

Part II: “Highway to Hell,” AC/DC

Part III: “I Can’t Explain” – The Who

And the winner of Political Fallout’s 1st unofficial 2007 “Mock the Vote” campaign:

“Little Willy” – The Sweet ('cuz Little Willy, Willy won't go home...)



Help support Political Fallout’s “Mock the Vote” write-in candidacy for Hillary Just Hillary’s campaign theme song and SUBMIT your vote now: click here to vote.
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More Fallout...

Wonkette is running a write-in campaign as well (Wonkette).

Check out John Deeth's take, "Hillary's Playlist: What, no Rage Against The Machine?" (Iowa Independent)

Hillary Dodges Sanjaya Softball Question

Political Diva Hillary-Just-Hillary attempted to field a question during a radio call-in show in New Hampshire, only to bobble the ball before making her response all about her. When a listener asked Hillary what the United States can do about Sanjaya Malakar, the underdog “American Idol” candidate who critics contend lacks any shred of talent, she replied:

"That's the best question I've been asked in a long time. Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That's true in my election, and it's true on 'American Idol.'"

Apparently fielding a question about Sanjaya’s fate is better than responding to questions about what the United States should do about the War in Iraq, the health care crisis, campaign finance reform, the budget deficit, genocide in Darfur, and irreverent bloggers.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Sanjaya’s performance abilities, check out his rendition of The Kinks' song “You Really Got Me.” Notice the effect Sanjaya has on a younger Hillary prototype in the audience.



Hillary-Just-Hillary finally gets a softball question and instead of swinging, she dodges the question. Had she wanted to get on base and/or score, Hillary should have used the following responses:

What should the United States do about Sanjaya Malakar?

Single Response: Who the hell is Sanjaya? And why the hell should we care?

Double Response: Turn off your television.

Triple Response: Nice try, Howard (Stern). You have your own radio show. Please hang up and give the people of New Hampshire a chance to ask questions.

Home Run Response: Give him a job as a consultant for a Democrat presidential campaign.

Grand Slam Response: Impeach his talentless ass!

Now let's Play Ball! But first, a Sanjaya-inspired performance of the National Anthem:



FYI: Sanjaya literally means “victory,” while Hillary’s name was rated 882nd in the 2005 top 1000 baby names. The smart money is on Sanjaya.