Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree.
Our Democracy, the best form of government money can buy (just ask China), flexed its bipartisan bipolar muscle Friday night as the possibility of a government shutdown loomed over Corporate Hill. While watching whether our Do Nothing Congress was going to let the ball drop on the budget at the midnight hour, 16/17 of me wanted them to reach an agreement, thus averting the worst teabaggin’ in U.S. History.
Besides, that’s their damn job and why We’re paying these folks, right? Congress is the only profession in America that, due to its own incompetence, can legally allow itself to shut down while elected members still receive a paycheck without having to wait in an unemployment line.
Meanwhile, the other 1/17 of the multiple me, myselves and I wanted the government to shut down. If anything, I wanted to see how a shutdown would affect the free market, namely whether a spike in pitchforks and V (from Vendetta) mask sales would follow in the shutdown’s wake. You see, I’ve been harboring a secret fantasy of becoming a U.S. Senator without having to go through all the hassles of having to run a campaign and prostitute myself to raise money for potential lobbyists pimps. After all, Congressional members are merely “Indentured Servants,” who serve corporate interests in exchange for campaign contributions, under-the-table Swedish massages and ringside seats at WWE Smackdown main events.
Had the government shut down, I could have slipped in through the chamber back door and become a Scab Senator, filling one of my representatives’ spots on the floor.
The Rat Race in D.C.
HELP WANTED: Scab Lawmakers
Job Description: Now hiring 535 temporary workers to fill striking lawmakers’ seats in Washington, D.C. Qualified applicants will be responsible for maintaining the status quo politics-as-usual; which include but is not limited to maintaining three war fronts, keep pretending health care costs will level off some day, sign blank checks to Military Industrial Complex, create more jobs overseas, pilfer Social Security cash box when nobody’s looking, craft more unconstitutional laws that will make judicial branch look like they’re legislating from the bench when they overturn them 10 years down the road, occasionally rotate environmental issues on backburners, add a new page to the tax code every day and write mean-spirited press releases that call members on the other side of aisle mean, albeit outdated names like Commie Stooge, Socialist, Right Wingnut, Bleeding-Heart Liberal, and Poopy-Head Jerk Face.
Qualifications: A pulse (formerly possessing a pulse will suffice, so as not to discriminate against current dead weight and card-carrying Zombies serving in Congress).
First 100 minutes: Since my livelihood on the Hill will be basking in uncertainty, should a scab opportunity ever arise, I will have to act fast -- something that completely bucks the current dysfunctional system in D.C. That said I plan on sponsoring the following bills during my first 100 minutes in office.
I, Scab Senator Lindsey, hereby sponsor the following bills:
-Permanently banish “politics-as-usual” from the political lexicon, not just in name only;
-Make the Unites States a neutral country and auction the Pentagon on e-Bay;
-Move the White House and Corporate Hill to the center of the country, somewhere in the rural Midwest, and build a shark-infested mote around the perimeter to keep lobbyists from preying on my fellow scabs;
-Let Texas succeed from the Union, thus whitewashing the historical implications of 3 illegal wars enacted by Texas-born presidents;
-Continually broadcasting "Ally ally oxen free! Come out come out wherever you are!" around the globe until Osama bin Laden comes out of hiding and multinational corporations return jobs and tax-sheltered money they’ve hidden overseas.
Unfortunately, Congress and President Obama rammed a blunt pitchfork through my dreams at the 11th hour, so it looks like it’s back to my current government job (at least 7/16th of me) and politics-as-usual in D.C. on Monday.
What’s in a name? That which we call a war By any other name would smell of death, destruction -- And a democratic resurrection Of burning flesh dipped in oil Buried deep in foreign soil…
FADE IN:
Uncle Sam’s hot-shot marketing machine (sponsored by the Military Industrial Complex: Where one soldier’s misery is another man’s bottom-line prophecy…), armed with the monumental task of re-branding the war in Iraq. Which begs the question:
How does one sell repackaged rotten meat To an electorate that’s fast asleep?
That is precisely what Obama’s marketing machine intends to find out when it re-brands the war in Iraq in September with “Operation New Dawn.” A little too close to the 1984 film “Red Dawn” for my taste. That film has already branded itself into the nostalgic catacombs of my memory. Not only can I not make this marketing leap of faith, but the thought of imagining a bunch of high school students, hopped up on Molotov hormonal cocktails, running around the hills flanking Baghdad and shouting “Wolverines!”will only serve to undermine the objectives of the current mission -- whatever the hell that is supposed to be.
"Red Dawn": The last line of defense standing between Capitalism and Communism (note the "Star Wars" product placement; George Lucas = merchandising genius)
By the way, the current US occupation in Iraq is known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, for those of you dear Civilians who did not know about the third re-branding since our troops were deployed to this oil-enriched wasteland. President Bush’s Marketing Team, deeply couched among the hidden branches of its Spin Machine, had initially branded the preemptive attack on Iraq “Occupation of Iraq,” which later evolved into “Second Gulf War” (a serious blunder, given the fact that everyone knows the sequel rarely lives up to the novelty of the first, not to mention the box-office profits tend to take a nose-dive). The D.C. Spinsters quickly realized their sinister marketing SNAFU and quickly plagiarized itself by pilfering its other major campaign in Afghanistan, “Operation Enduring Freedom” by replacing “Enduring” with “Iraqi.”
Read rest of post at Political Fallout's new Axis-of-Evil-Sister Site:Confessions of a Cold War Veteran
My favorite 4-letter F-word is, you guessed it: FREE.
Despite the cautionary advice that “nothing is free” or “you can’t get something for nothing,” I’m a sucker for free stuff. What can I say, I’m a public school teacher, and I know better than to jump into the middle of a rabid teacher scrum when post-it pads are at stake.
If anyone has mastered giving away free stuff with an invisible price tag attached, it’s Obama, Inc. Obama the Campaigner mastered giveaway marketing during his presidential bid and has lobbed these practices into his presidential money-raising strategy. During the campaign, my addiction to free-stuff helped me procure an “Obama ‘08” bumper sticker and button, neither of which I contributed any money -- despite the accompanying solicitations for donations.
Regarding the latter, I will admit that I was thoroughly disappointed when my button showed up and it was the size of a quarter and could only be seen with satellite vision. I realize size isn’t supposed to matter, but I was too embarrassed to sport my new microscopic button in public, as if the button itself symbolized my free-stuff addiction. Either that or I had an affliction of button envy and was not about to compensate for my inadequacies by sporting a flag pin on the lapel of my collared t-shirt.
More recently, Obama, Inc. was giving away free bumper stickers to help push its health care reform through the dysfunctional aisles of Congress. All I had to do was sign a petition pledging my support for President Obama’s three principles for real heath care reform.
Unfortunately, I will have to wait 4-6 weeks until my free bumper sticker arrives. By then, the duct tape keeping my bumper attached to my car could become unglued, much like Obama’s health care objectives once it gets tied down with red tape and green lobby money in Congress. Although 6 weeks in Congress is a mere blink-of-the-eye in the big picture of getting things accomplished. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t like the way things are going in Congress, just wait a couple of years and you still won’t like the way things are going in Congress.”
In the meantime, I’ve decided to come up with my own bumper sticker ideas, one of which I may order from an online bumper-sticker company:
1. My Other Car is a Health Insurance Payment
2. All I Wanted Was Real Health Care Reform, and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker
3. Cancer Happens!
4. W.W.J.I.? (Who Would Jesus Insure?)
5. Coming to a Hospital Near You: Attack of the Right Wingnuts Socialized Health Scare
My monthly health insurance premiums are killing me, literally.
I wish I was speaking hyperbolically. And no, I’m not a hypochondriac: Who could afford to these days with skyrocketing health care and insurance costs, especially in the midst of an economic crisis?
One of my biggest fears, other than Congress sabotaging a golden opportunity to reform health care (If only we could sue our elected officials for Political Malpractice, eh?), is my mailbox. You heard me right Sen. Grassley: my mailbox. But before you file me away under “Crazy Constituents” and cast aside this letter, I implore you to hear me out.
It’s not that I’m afraid of mailboxes per se, rather it’s what’s lurking in them that scares the living bejesus out of me: bills. I am especially afraid of reconnaissance bills which attempt to lessen the inevitable financial and subsequent psychological blows, claiming they are not bills with “THIS IS NOT A BILL” emboldened in the letterhead. Not yet, anyhow.
In March I received one of these non-Bills in my mailbox from my health insurance provider, Wellmark BlueCross Blueshield of Iowa informing me they want to raise my monthly premium 17.3 percent from $529 to $641, which covers me and my three sons (ages 1, 4 and 7). Given the effective change date was to be April 1st, I initially thought Wellmark was playing an April Fool’s Day joke on me. After all, what reputable, legal business can jack their price up 17 percent and still stay in business during an economic crisis? Reputability aside, Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the only industries that can pull this off, while Our employers, The Big Three Branches of Government, haggle over policy proposals while We sit by and watch our savings accounts bleed to death, one painful payment at a time -- hoping to elude Bankruptcy’s knock at the front door.
Speaking of which, according to a recent Harvard Medical study that will be published in the August issue of “The American Journal of Medicine” indicates that Bankruptcy will come knocking on an estimated 1.5 million American doors this year and 60 percent of these will result from an inability to keep pace with incoming medical expenses.
But who am I to tell you, Sen. Grassley, about bankruptcy. After all, as Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, you helped usher in the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act (BAPCPA), which makes it more difficult for individuals to file for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Shame on the uninsured and under-insured consumers for taking advantage of our country’s vulnerable and financially unstable health care business, eh?
Like you, Sen. Grassley, I’ve served the public my entire adult life, working at all levels of the government. I served two years active duty in Germany with the Army, followed by working seven years with the City of Iowa City as a swimming pool manager during college, and I have been working the past twelve years teaching high school English in Iowa City. Moreover, I’ve been coaching junior high swimming to help fill the financial gap and pay my monthly insurance premiums.
Unlike you, however, my employer’s health care benefit is no longer an option. Although the school district pays for an individual premium ($485/month), I would have to kick in an additional $750/month for a family plan (that’s $1235/month, which is more than our mortgage payment and property taxes, so I’ve had to purchase my own policy).
Unlike you, I have been struggling to pay my monthly health insurance premiums for the past seven years, and I’m on the verge of dropping into the health care casualty pool of the uninsured, thus driving up the costs of the insured – unless drastic reforms are implemented soon.
Now, since you are technically one of my employees, I thought I would tell you what needs to be done to help draft and pass real health care reform that is more cost efficient, affordable, and accessible. Ideally, a single-payer system, where all working Americans buy into the system makes the most sense, especially since it removes for-profit incentives from the equation which is immoral in the first place. I realize National Health Care scares some folks, who feel threatened and turn to their Socialism crutches as an only retort and feel the need to resort to fear mongering.
Like my mailbox phobia, these fears seem irrational, since we already implemented a similar system: Medicare. My 73-year-old mother, a lifelong Republican who worked as a billing receptionist for a neurosurgeon, always complained about how difficult it was to get payments from the private industry compared to Medicare. She also contends that the biggest causes of the problems facing this industry are when health insurance became attached to employment and when Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma hopped into bed together.
To help legitimize and rationalize their fears, I’m sure opponents of a public option are out researching industrialized countries with a national health care program, scouring for health care horror stories. If that’s the case, I suggest they start digging in our own back yard and talk to the survivors of the estimated 22,000 Americans who died last year because they didn’t have adequate health care coverage.
But I also realize you’re under a lot of pressure from lobbyists representing Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma, who fear they will be driven out of business if the government sets up shop, so I’m willing to make a compromise and let you push through a public option. That way, those who are afraid of the S-word taking over their lives can stick with their current policy. Personally, I’m more afraid of whether or not I will be able to pay my premium next month and what will happen to my any one of my sons, should we lose coverage in the near future, than being called a Socialist.
If anything I have conveyed to you in this letter does not make any sense, maybe I can simplify and condense my message into Twitter format, something you are more familiar with, Sen. Grassley:
"Sen Grassley u got nerve sayin u bipartisan u only partisan to BiG Hellth INsurnce and PharMA. Put da profit hammer down start actin morally"
President Barack Hussein Obama's 2009 Inauguration: "Where's Waldo?"
My quest for winning a David Letterman “Late Show Online” t-shirt continues after a disappointing, yet hopeful attempt at last week’s online Top Ten Contest, which featured the topic: “Top Ten Least Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show.”
After readers weighed in, one actually bribing me with a pound of flesh if I submitted “Life-sized, remote-control mime” (I guess some people out there have a thing for electronic mimes), I went with the top online vote-getter: Bernard Madoff Money Changer.
Among last week’s winners, Bernard Madoff did make the final cut at the No. 1 spot with “New Video Game: ‘Grand Theft Madoff.’”
Undaunted, I will continue my quest to win the holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.
Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.
If President-elect Barack Obama really wants change I can believe in and to break away from politics-as-usual, I suggest running off to the Motorless City for this year’s Inauguration. A good ‘ol fashioned elopement is the perfect way to bite your thumb at tradition, especially when the expectations for a traditional marriage between a Man and an Executive Branch (that’s what it says in the Constitution, so it must be true) grow exponentially by the nanosecond.
Motor City or Bust: "I got other plans D.C."
Estimates for this year’s inaugural bash are pushing the $150 million envelop, not to mention it’s BYOBMCHPPTPH (Bring Your Own Beer, Makeshift Cardboard House, Porta-Potty, Toilet Paper & HOPE). You would think the Inaugural Committee could stretch this money and throw in a couple of kegs and a sleeve of plastic cups.
However, like the federal budget, most of these funds have been earmarked for defense and homeland security purposes. By security I mean party crashers. And by party crashers I don’t mean bitter and/or disgruntled Republicans, rather twenty-somethings who still go to high school keggers, Ryan Seacrest and those pesky Mad Maxian party crashers from the 1980s cult classic film “Weird Science.” Regarding the latter, everyone knows, at least those of us who viewed “Weird Science” as a cautionary tale know the best and by far the cheapest defense against these alien thugs is wearing a brassiere on your head and reciting passages from the Old Constitution – not to be confused with the recently revised edition.
These are professionally trained Home security officers. Do not try this at home.
Just think what Obama could do with all that Inauguration money if he were to elope to Detroit. He could use the money for a down payment on a new White House in a new location, say the upper-Midwest where he would not only be insulated from D.C. lobbyists, but he would be closer to his Fortress of Solitude -- should he ever feel the need to get away from it all and find himself through introspection and a steady supply of Klondike bars.
Having already spent over $700 million on his presidential bid, I imagine Obama wanted to have something small, quaint and private for his swearing-in ceremony.
But, as is the case in the multi-billion dollar wedding industry, politics almost always trump intentions, whether it be family politics or the loathsome politics-as-usual boogeyman – both of which begin rearing their heads during the initial drafting process of the guest list. If you thought the legislative process was messy, you’ve obviously never planned your own wedding. Bill in Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill” has it made compared to the embattled Guest List in the yet-to-be released “I’m Just a Guest List.”
The process begins with both parties listing immediate family members before moving on to listing people you may actually see after the wedding, thus avoiding any potential snub incidents. After the first draft is complete, you submit it to your managing editors: both sets of parental units (who are more-than-likely funding the impending train wreck). They add all of their relatives and acquaintances you’ve never heard of, yet somehow know all about you.
Next you send out the initial wave and wait for the word-of-mouth to spread, so those folks who were excluded can call your editors and voice their complaints until they are added to the next wave. This process repeats itself until both parties approve the list and send it up to the Mother of the Bride, who ultimately decides whether or not to exercise her veto power.
In Obama’s case this nightmare scenario has been compounded by the size of his potential guest list that draws from the 66.8 million people who voted for him. Any slight and these folks may not ever speak to him again and/or vote for him in the next election, not to mention the underlying tension at next year’s Thanksgiving dinner table.
This alone is reason enough as to why Obama should elope to Detroit.
Why Detroit, you ask?
If anywhere in the United States epitomizes rock bottom and needs the Obama bump, it is Detroit. Not only has the Motor City been idled by the economic meltdown, but its beloved Lions set a record in futility by losing all 16 games this year. Better yet, Obama could hold the 2009 Inauguration at Ford Field (just blocks away from where Mitt Romney announced his failed presidential bid). Most of the seats saw little wear-and-tear this year and Obama can help Detroit rise from the ashes – an economic rebirth, if you will.
Opposing fans remain to watch their team win in last-second overtime.
My guess is Obama is already committed to tomorrow’s Inauguration, but there’s still an outside chance we may have our first Runaway President.
President-elect Barack Obama met with all the living U.S. Presidents at the Oval Office for a luncheon, which the new prez-on-the-block hailed as an “extraordinary” occasion.
Obama caught on camera hiding in the Bushes
Meanwhile, while the sitting President George W. Bush used the occasion to help whitewash himself from the recently stained office and remind everyone that the office “transcends the individual,” President Bill Clinton was reliving memories of literal stains left in the wake of his term.
The luncheon was held up President Jimmy Carter, who had trouble finding the office because Bush Jr.s office had inadvertently sent him the Roadmap to Peace in the Middle East, which had been misplaced sometime during the first year of his first term in office.
During the luncheon, the presidents shared advice with the incoming Obama, ranging from how to avoid being a one-termer to what kind of dog he should get.
Half way through the lunch gathering George W. Bush passed a napkin under the table to Obama, which had a message scrawled in black pen written on it. Obama is still trying to figure out whether or not the message was serious or intended to be some kind of presidential prank that presidents play on the newbie.
Through one of its sources, Political Fallout was able to procure a copy of the message scribbled on a White House cocktail napkin:
Hey O’Man,
Thought you might need these when you take office. They’re my own 10 Commandments and helped me get through the past 8 years and survive my low approval ratings:
King George’s 10 Commandments
1. Just do what Big Dick says and you’ll be okay
2. Don’t make any Play-doh statues of members of intelligence community and/or yourself during morning security briefings
3. When the cow paddies hit the fan, run for Crawford and lay low until EVERYTHING blows over
4. Remember that Sundays is for reading the funnies (except those poking fun at you), taking extra nap between regular naps, watching sports and Laura read books, and eating pretzel sandwiches with Barney
5. Honor Big Dick
6. Thou shalt not kill anyone who doesn’t have it comin’ (unless of course the demon who possesses Barney’s body tells you to do it)
7. Ignore Little Dick
8. Thou shalt not steal when you can pass tax breaks and/or draw down from unlimited line of credit tax payers gave you
9. You shall not bear false witness against Canada or Mexico ‘cuz that’s what it says in NAFTA
10. You shall not covet your neighbors’ house, wife, work force, professional hockey players, or anything else that belongs to them ‘cuz that’s what it says in NAFTA
A long time ago n a galaxy far, far away, the kingpin of modern merchandising, “Star Wars: A New Hope,” was born.
Thirty-one years later, the New Hope President-elect Barack Obama, has been resurrected in the over-saturated galaxy of mass merchandising.
In today’s marketing day and age, consumers often ask: “What came first, the movie or the merchandising?” during the branding process -- which usually begins in the womb for most savvy marketing exploiters.
Such is the case for the Obama brand, which has been selling like GOP union-busters over the past year. Obama’s name reigned in over $700 billion dollars in campaign contributions, which includes some of the merchandising the campaign directly tapped into such as t-shirts, buttons, bumper stickers, 2009 calendars, posters, coffee mugs, and commemorative coins.
But the Obama Buck does not stop here. Other entrepreneurs and opportunists alike are cashing in on the Obama name brand, selling everything from Obama car-seat covers to Obama Action Figures. (Note: It took the Jesus estate nearly 2000 years to get a Jesus Action Figure on store shelves. For the record: when placed side by side, the Obama Action Figure is BIGGER than the Jesus Action Figure.)
Like its predecessor, “Star Wars,” anything is fair game for merchandising the Obama brand, including condoms.
Last year a young New York City entrepreneur Benjamin Sherman started selling Obama condoms -- along with John McCain and Sarah Palin condoms -- through his company Practice Safe Policy. The Obama condom carries the slogan “Use With Good Judgment” and has the following pitch on its Web site:
WHO SAYS EXPEREINCE IS NECESSARY?
These are uncertain times. The economy's a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid... but now there's Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in!
-FOR THE ELITIST PENIS -THEY WON'T LEAVE A BITTER TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH -WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL
As Seen on TV: Condoms Unite Obama and McCain
In an attempt to close the condom merchandising gap, I imagine it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing glow-in-the-dark light saber condoms popping up behind drugstore counters.
Growing up during the “Star Wars” merchandising surge in the late ‘70s, I resisted the temptation to invest in the pricy Star Wars action figures, models, Death Star Disco Globe and Princess Leigh blow-up doll (batteries not included). Even at a young age I was caught up in ‘80s politics under President Reagan’s watch and wondered why George Lucas didn’t file a trademark suit against the federal government for adopting the nickname “Star Wars” for its Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI).
Moreover, since the ‘80s were my formative years for satire, I was preoccupied with parody, and “Star Wars” – the movie – was not immune to parody. As was the case in Mel Brooks’ “Spaceballs”:
Spaceballs Parody: Merchandising
Obama the Senator, Obama the Bestselling Author, Obama the Campaigner and Obama the President-elect have successfully branded the Obama name, and as the Inauguration approaches next week, it will be interesting to see how Obama the President sells in the market.
Here are a few merchandising trends to look for during his first term:
The Obamamobile: imagine driving a sleek hybrid sports car that has room for the entire family. Equipped with tinted, bullet-proof windows, the Obamamobile is the perfect nocturnal ride for speeding through crime-infested streets left in the wake of Bush’s economic meltdown. Mass merchandising of Obamamobiles will help conceal the President’s whereabouts while in transition at night. All Obamamobiles come with the trademarked bumper sticker, “My Other Car is the Air Force One,” slapped on the rear bumper.
The Obama Diet: Are you sick of all those exercise programs that you actually have to work to shed pounds? Fed up with all of the quick-fix dietary pills? Tired of those lose-weight-while-you’re sleeping weight loss gimmicks that have carried over into the work day?
How would you like a washboard stomach like the one Obama’s girls used to surf on while vacationing in Hawaii?
Introducing the “Obama Diet” -- a guaranteed lifestyle diet that will have you shedding the pounds before you know it. To get started on your Obama Diet, all you have to do create a stressful daily schedule that mirrors Obama’s while he was on the campaign trial for 21 months: 16 hours of rushing from event to event and pretending to like everyone in the process, 2 hours of basketball (schedule permitting), 3 hours of writing speeches and policy papers, 2 hour of meetings with top aids and marketing/merchandising manager, and 1 hour of meditation in lieu of a regular sleep cycle. To help expedite the six-pack abdominals process, we recommend taking up smoking.
The Hoprah Machine: why leave home in search for hope when you can stay at home, sit on the sofa, and have hope pumped through you via the Hoprah Machine. Financed by television’s modern Midas, the Hoprah Machine works like a humidifier as it spews hope into the air of your living room and fills your pores with very little to no effort on your part. Sound hopeful? Nope, it’s Hoprah!
Like our ancestors the Brits, Americans love a good scandal.
However, unlike the Brits, American journalists and the Sound-Bite Corporate Media Machine are willing to sacrifice real journalism for gotcha journalism, especially in the political realm.
Armed with pens, laptop computers, video cameras, crackberrys, cell phones, tiki-torches and temptresses – journalists, bloggers and concerned citizens have assumed the role of makeshift paparazzi and hit the campaign trail in search of their 15 minutes of fame.
Unfortunately a number of gotcha moments only became controversial when the media, like blood-deprived leeches, clung to the nontroversy and spun it through its continuous loop of 24-hours news, which only contains an estimated 30 minutes of new news according to a recent Political Fallout study.
Meanwhile in Iowa, here are some of the Bottom Nontroversies of 2008:
Muslim Statehouse prayer threatens Christian faithful (outside of Iowa). Iowa’s 2008 General Assembly appeared to start off fairly smoothly with an invocation by Imam Muhammad Khan of Des Moines on the first day of the session Jan. 14. Not until outside agitators, including conservative talk show hosts and anti-Muslim organizations stuck their self-righteous noses in did this become a nontroversy.
GOP voter challenge/suppression of Grinnell College student voters falls short during November election. Ironically, the seeds of this challenge were planted by GOP adversary Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Iowa Caucuses. The Clinton campaign feared, justifiably so, Sen. Barack Obama’s turn out of young voters. Where was Joe the College Student when Obama needed him or her?
Rep. Steve King’s Little Shop of Horrors (A Tone-Deaf Musical). Iowan’s have become accustomed to the 5th district earsore, whose only claim-to-fame is measured in cubic vitriolic spew units (cvsu). Most Iowans have managed to ignore our very own political Master of Horror, hoping that if we ignore him he will simply disappear. Poof! Unfortunately, the national media keep feeding his Napoleon complex by running his nontroversial statements to help bolster otherwise slow nontroversial weeks.
During his "Oh-the-Places-We-Can-Drill" tour of western Iowa, Rep. Steve King pulls out one of his trusty nontroversy props to illustrate why drilling is the best answer to our energy consumption crisis.
Iowa Democrat Party serves up new brand of McCarthyism to Des Moines Register. As if the media needed any help (although given the recent across-the-board layoffs in journalism, maybe they could use a little help from their “friends”) scouring court documents for juicy details of elected officials past foibles, Rep Kevin McCarthy and the Gang delivered a neatly-labeled binder exposing several Republican Iowa House candidates’ backgrounds. Opposition research or good ol’ fashioned Witch Hunt? You make the call, dear Reader. Either way this should help ease the divisiveness of the two sides come Jan. 12, eh?
Gov. Chet Culver’s condo habit. Okay, so the Big Lug has an addiction to vacationing in million-dollar condos in Florida that just happen to be owned by real-estate tycoon Bill Knapp, who in turn happens to be a contributor to Culver’s campaign and longtime family friend of the Culvers. At least Chet admits he has a problem and that he is paying the $1000/week fee for using the Knappster’s condo. I’m sure that ever since he won his gubernatorial bid, the Big Lug has been scratching his head, wondering: “Hmmmm…now that I work for the people of Iowa, does that mean I still get to keep my friends with benefits before I was elected?” Had Chet done what most state employees who went to the Outback Bowl did, cut lodging expenses by cramming 20 people into one condo, some folks may be a little more forgiving of the Big Lug's addicition.
Gov. Chet Culver: "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to heavily discounted million-dollar condos in Florida owned by a major campaign contributor and longtime friend with benefits."
And Iowa's bottom nontroversy of 2008?
“Smokin in the Guv’s Car”: starring First Lady Mari Culver. While the passage of the public smoking ban may have been controversial -- given Gov. Culver other addiction: gambling revenues (Hmmm…I wonder if gaming lobbyists get the same discount on the Knappster’s condominiums?) – catching his mate, Mari Culver, smoking in a state-owned vehicle is by no means as controversial as the media and some Republican lawmakers made it out to be.
Admitted adulterer John Edwards unites with admitted smoker in public places Mari Culver during a campaign stop, both sharing the same thought: "God I'd kill for a cigarette right now."
Looking back, the year 2008 may earmark the end of Democracy’s Bronze Age in America. Politicians opened Pandora’s political box and unleashed a maelstrom of the Seven Deadly Sins on an unsuspecting electorate.
Unfortunately, the decline of democracy is no laughing matter – unless you’re Osama bin Laden, Lucifer and/or Dick Cheney – who are down below perfecting their sinister laughs around a bonfire while stoking its flames with Our Constitution.
However, the folks at Jib Jab did manage to capture this year’s decline of democracy in a short animated piece:
Despite capitalism and democracy’s fall this year, Pandora and President-elect Barack Obama did manage to shut HOPE in-a-box. Moreover, Obama managed to capitalize on HOPE during his campaign, which hopefully will help stop the bleeding and restore faith in our Democracy.
The first sign of satire gone bad, and a catalogued precursor to the Apocalypse for that matter, is when your attempt at satire debuts on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show.
Please, please, please, dear reader, do NOT forward this post to Rush Limbaugh; I have a family to feed and unlike Rush, they cannot survive on barbiturates alone.
Worse, Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman, who also managed Mike Huckabee’s failed presidential bid, resurrected the racist ditty in question, “Barack the Magic Negro” and sent the song among others recorded on a CD to the Republican National Committee to help get his foot in the door for the RNC chairman gig.
Smooth move Chip.
"Dammit, Jim! I'm not a racist; I'm a proliferator of bad satire."
The song, played to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” was first played on Limbaugh’s show in 2007. The feeble attempt at satire targets a Los Angeles Times column about white guilt and is sung through Al Sharpton’s parodied point of view.
Chorus:
Barack the Magic Negro Lives in D.C. The LA Times they call him that Because he is not authentic like me
To get a full sense of the racism veiled in satire, feel free to listen to the clip below:
“Barack the Magic Negro” (played live on Rush the Magic Pill-Poppin’ & Ego Strokin’ One-Man Radio Show)
In response to the RNC’s distancing of Saltsman’s Christmas gesture, Chip defended the song: "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it," Saltsman told CNN. "I think RNC members understand that."
Apparently not, Chip. But what they do recognize, unlike Rush and his minions, is bad satire.
Speaking of bad satire/parody, let’s use Mr. Saltsman to help illustrate this, using the chorus to the same tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
“Chip the Magic Hayseed”
Chorus:
Chip the Magic Hayseed Lives under a rock in Tennessee Where he frolics with the likes of Huckabee And distributes racist song parodies…
After watching the classic “The Little Drummer Boy” for the umpteenth time with my boys this evening, I told them that, due to the economic downturn, I don’t have anything to give them this year for Christmas.
Needless to say this didn’t bode well, as tears welled up in their eyes.
“Don’t worry,” I reassured them, “I will give you a piece of my soul to fill the empty void under the Christmas tree and play my guitar for you on Christmas Day.”
Having heard me play before, this only made matters worse.
With less than 72 shopping hours before Jesus’ 2008th Birthday Party remaining and the impending Shopocalypse, I had my work cut out for me. And when staring in the face difficult times like these, I oftentimes turn to the birthday boy himself and ask: “What Would Jesus Buy?”
Here is a little ditty I always keep in the back of my head when out shopping for whatever reason:
The Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir: “Back Away from the Wal-Mart"
While working out the supply-side of the Christmas shopping equation and how to package my soul in anything but plastic, I turned my attention to the demand-side, thinking I could take Rev. Billy’s lead and ask for nothing. Just think, if everyone did this there would be no pressure to feel obligated to give what you don’t have – or charge what you don’t have (and may never have) on your credit card.
But knowing this will only prompt the obligatory “But surely you want something…?” response from those who want, or feel obligated to give me something on somebody else’s birthday, I’ve made a Christmas wish-list that includes items and/or requests that should not bore a hole in the ubiquitous empty pockets this holiday season.
Political Fallout’s 2008 Christmas Wish List (not in any particular order mind you):
1. All members of Iowa Congress to donate any campaign contribution over $2300 they received from an individual donor (which applies to federal elections but not Iowa’s – go figure) to Iowa’s rapidly depleting general fund
2. Iowa’s Democratic majority leadership to return the government to the people of Iowa
3. A backbone (metaphorically speaking of course, since real backbones in politics are rare and expensive) for those in #2 to make my second wish come true
4. Rep. Steve King to retire from Congress and turn his attention to writing his memoir, which, no doubt would be just as horrifying as anything the other Master of Horror Stephen King has penned to date (except maybe “The Shining”)
5. A freelance writing job for either “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show” (in the immortal words of DJay, the pimp turned musician in “Hustle and Flow”: “Everybody got to have a dream…”)
6. Sen. Joe Lieberman to come ALL the way out of the political closet and join the ranks of the GOP
7. Texas officially succeed from the United States and name George W. Bush its sitting president
8. President-elect Barack Obama name me, T.M. Lindsey, Blog Tsar (“Oh the Places I Will Go…)
It looks like Iowa’s adopted son and former governor, Tom Vilsack, has a new benefactor. Vilsack, whose Sugar Mama, Hillary Clinton, was already tagged President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary State, was named Secretary of Agriculture by Obama.
For those of you who live outside of Iowa or have been blessed with a short-term political memory, Vilsack was the second Democrat to drop out of the never-ending presidential race. He left a $400,000 campaign debt in his wake, which his democratic rival and soon-to-be Sugar Mama agreed to retire with no strings attached – assuming of course there was no under-the-table agreement to deliver Iowa to Hillary, Inc. in exchange for his hefty national co-chair stipend and Obama attack dog duties.
The highlight of Vilsack's failed presidential bid was his V-logo, which drew comparisons to "1984" and "V for Vendetta"
If so, Hillary should be demanding a refund after her third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.
And now Obama, who is $30 billion in the black, has agreed to help Hillary retire her $7.5 million campaign debt.
Nobody said "The Team of Rivals" was going to be cheap.
Foiled by the FBI, my big chance to break into politics the old-fashioned way – buy a seat outright as opposed to the current one-lobbyist-at-a-time method – swiftly came to an end with the arrest of Democratic Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich – who attempted "to sell the U.S. Senate seat" that President-elect Barack Obama recently vacated.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich caught on camera upon emerging from underground Chicago garage after "shooting the breeze" with "Deepthroat II".
Looks like politics-as-usual in Chi-town, eh?
I was waiting to bid on Obama’s abandoned seat on eBay. Maybe, to help appease potential bidders, the Feds will put the wiretap taps of Blagojevich dropping an f-bomb on the president-elect?
Sen. John SYDNEY McCain has taken several lumps from the media for his inability to keep up with the latest trends in technology. Last night’s non-debate illustrated this point, literally, as McCain showed the world that he has yet to adapt to the technological advancement born during his formative years. Not the club, silly, rather: the television. In particular, the split-screen that simultaneously captured both candidates’ facial expressions for the American viewers — half of which just may vote.
I caught the first part of the debate on the radio and both candidates sounded presidential — whatever that means. However, when I caught the rest of it on the tube, I knew within five minutes that McCain’s last pitch to the American people had failed. Voters, especially the undecided and independent, were not buying McCain’s Howard Beale-Grouch Marx impersonation.
McCain: Why so angry?
For McCain, pundits have argued that he needed a game-changer — not a channel-changer.
I suspect his strategists knew this going into the final non-debate and turned to desperate measures: hypnotism. McCain’s R.E.M. like blinking failed to entrance and/or hypnotize me, or Obama. We were not swayed by McCain’s Svengalian attempt to lure us into submission:
McCain touts himself as a reformer, yet he keeps sticking to failed tactics in his campaign as evidenced in the debate (e.g. playing the Bill Ayers card). Whenever he is called out on why he has resorted to negative campaigning, McCain’s resorts to his patented “If … then” logical fallacy:
“As I have said before, my friends, if Senator Obama would have agreed to the series of town hall debates I proposed earlier, I would not have to resort to negative campaigning, character assassination, and hypnosis.”
When the election is over, I imagine McCain will use this line of defense to try to reconcile his reputation, or what is left of it at that point. I’m sure he will continue to blame the media as well — that is, when he’s not eternally damning ALL bloggers to hell (several blinks into submission here).
Recent history indicates that the Democrats have been successful at one thing: losing presidential elections.
As Americans face the prospects of never-ending wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, an economy that has tanked, the foreclosure crisis, health care costs still growing exponentially in relation to inflation, and myriad other indicators that spell out political D-O-O-M for the incumbent’s party, this year’s presidential election is the Democrat’s to lose.
But don’t underestimate the Democratic Party, which has been saddled with the historic curse of losing the presidency to George W. Bush not once, but twice.
When in doubt, leave it to the Democrats to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Besides handing over presidential elections, the only enterprise Democrats have been more successful at the past eight years is blaming everyone but themselves. They have cornered the market on political scapegoats.
In 2000, the poster boy for Al Gore’s failure was the Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, who has been demonized by party loyalists. Nader’s spoiler status spilled over into the 2004 election but was deemed less of a threat by the Democratic Party. Nonetheless, under the direction of Terry McAuliffe, who served as Hillary Clinton’s national campaign chairman during her failed presidential bid, the Democratic National Committee took no chances and tied Nader up in court and drained his resources with lawsuits challenging his ballot access in several states.
This doesn’t sound very democratic, now does it?
However, Nader’s reigning scapegoat status was challenged and inevitably pushed aside by the new scapegoat on the block: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, who helped sabotage fellow Vietnam veteran Sen. John Kerry’s bid with its book, “Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry.” The 527 group managed to effectively smear Kerry’s name, thus supplanting Nader for the reason why he lost.
This week as the Democrats gather for the Democratic National Convention in Denver to coronate their new presidential nominee, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, a subtext is brooding underneath the unity narrative the Democrats are trying to spin as the general election revs into full gear.
Three words: Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Clinton, who was narrowly defeated by Obama in the Democratic primaries, has helped cultivate a loyal following, which is not ready to let go of their mentor’s monumental run that fell just short of victory a few months ago. Although Clinton has endorsed Obama, her most fervent supporters have yet to be won over by him. Moreover, some of these voters have vowed to vote for the presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain of Arizona. The most recent Zogby poll indicates that only 56 percent of Clinton-backers would vote for Obama, while 21 percent intend to vote for McCain.
The general election campaign is still young and there is time for some political wounds to heal, but to throw support from Hillary to McCain, who resides on the other end of the political spectrum, or I had assumed, doesn’t make a great deal of sense. I could understand harboring some differences with Obama regarding policy, but jumping on board with McCain suggests a few things.
For these voters, McCain’s ideology is more aligned with Clinton than Obama, which would point to a possible reason as to why the majority of Democratic voters didn’t vote for Clinton.
If these voters are upset and bitter about the outcomes and want to seek revenge against Obama, why not throw support behind third-party candidates such as Ralph Nader or the Green Party’s Cynthia McKinney?
Unlike the faulty logic of the past two elections, when Democrats’ power of persuasion was reduced to “A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush,” there is no logical breakdown with: “A vote for McCain is a vote for McCain.”
What remains unclear is what exactly the Clinton faithful want from the Obama campaign, or what will appease them, thus enticing them back to voting for their party’s nominee. Some of these Hillraisers feel that Obama’s campaign did not reach out to them enough or disrespected them through the campaign’s treatment of their candidate in the post-primary fallout.
Some were holding out for a possible vice presidential slot for Clinton, but these hopes were officially dashed at 3 a.m. Saturday, when Obama text-messaged his choice for VP: Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware.
Sixty-six percent of Clinton supporters -- registered Democrats who want Clinton as the nominee -- are now backing Obama. That's down from 75 percent in the end of June. Twenty-seven percent of them now say they'll support McCain, up from 16 percent in late June.
As the Democratic National Convention gets under way, it will be interesting to see how this subtext plays out as the Democratic Party attempts to build a unified front before taking on the Republicans in the final leg of the election.
Feeling disenfranchised by Obama and the DNC, one group, Political Unity My A.. (PUMA) refuses to give up the fight for Hillary. Although I’m not sure what they are still fighting for at this point, rather, it is what they are fighting against that appears to be behind their vow to make their voices heard at the convention.
The underlying threat that if their demands aren’t met, there will be hell to pay come November threads it way throughout the P.U.M.A. manifesto found on the group’s website:
But what our adversaries fail to realize is that it is not just we the people with PUMA affiliations that will make the difference in November.
It is all of us, all across this great country who feel disenfranchised, betrayed and hoodwinked by Obama and the DNC.
It is all of us who see through Obama’s persona.
It is all of us who believe that the measure of a man is his character. That people should be judged by the company they keep, the truths they live by and the lies they tell. Judged by whether they pander to the popular line, or take a hard stance, accepting the consequences of their actions and having the courage of their convictions.
Sensing the discord among the Clinton supporters who feel disenfranchised, the McCain campaign attempted to woo these voters by releasing some new ads after Obama picked Biden as his running mate.
McCain Ad: Clinton Supporters Can Come to Me
McCain’s ad, featuring former Clinton delegate and PUMA Debra Bartoshevich of Wisconsin, attempts to simultaneously woo Clinton supporters and appease any guilt about switching sides, but his ad may prove to backfire. The new poll numbers were already in his favor, not to mention, the Democrats were already lined up in a circular firing squad.
Exploiting Clinton and her supporters may only serve as the perfect opportunity to bring the two factions together and turn on the external enemy.
Either way, there’s a great deal at stake for Clinton’s future aspirations, should Obama lose in November. The Democrats will be out for blood and the Hillary Democrats who voted for McCain will offer a perfect target. However, they won’t blame Clinton’s supporters, because they’ll need a face to put on the scapegoat, and that is where Hillary Rodham Clinton comes in to play.
However, Clinton will be the headliner at the convention Tuesday, thus providing her an opportunity to assuage her supporters and convince them to get behind Obama, before she unleashes her delegates on Wednesday.
This will be the first step in the healing process, but the polls suggest Clinton may have more work cut out for her over the coming months. Granted, Clinton is not alone in this enterprise. Obama needs to reach out to these supporters as well and work to convince any undecided voters he should be the next president. But he can only throw the rope so far, and it may be up to Clinton to convince her loyal following to let go and move on.
For Clinton, the difference between them letting and not letting go may be the difference between her being a hero or a goat – a scapegoat that is.
While Obama wrapped up his World Tour and media love-fest, McCain’s campaign took time out from its County Fair Tour to issue some “Oh yeah, but…” statements to whomever would listen or had some dead-air to fill before deadline.
“In fact, [Obama's] never met with President Uribe in Colombia, as John McCain has,” McCain’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said on CNN today. “Obama has still yet to take a trip to Mexico City to have those meetings there and his relationship with Canada, I think, took a turbulent roll through the primaries.”
So na-na-na-boo-boo, Mr. Fancy Pants Obama.
When reporters pushed Bounds to elaborate, he added, “Oh yeah, and Obama has never been to heaven, hell, or Purgatory, Maine,” implying that McCain has vited all of these places.
Inspired by the battle of the Oh-the-Place-We-Will-Go Empty-Rhetoric War, the Political Fallout Fact-Check Team did some of its own digging into the past and unearthed, literally, some other places that John McCain has visited BUT Obama has NOT:
Atlantis (below): McCain reportedly visited the island before it sank below the sea. Reports indicate that McCain intended to inspect the island’s powerful naval academy to brush up on naval domination, but got sidetracked by his “Go Atlantis Guidebook.” McCain spent the majority of his goodwill trip to Atlantis snorkeling and looking for King Titan and his restless band of mermaids under the sea.
Hades: Upon returning from the underworld, seemingly unscathed by shades of the past, McCain promptly checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, where it’s reported that he underwent a fervent detoxication program to help flush sacrificial goats’ blood from his system.
Ithaca: Although Homer did not mention or footnote McCain’s visit to Ithaca and meeting with King Odysseus, McCain distinctly remembers having a cordial conversation with the King and his wife, Penelope. “I truly felt Odysseus’ pain after his 20 years away from home, 10 of which were lost in a grueling battle with the Trojans,” McCain told Political Fallout. “I felt like I really connected to Odysseus, especially when comparing my experiences as a prisoner-of-war and Odysseus’ seven-year captivity by Calypso. I can’t begin to imagine what Odysseus must have suffered at the hands of a beautiful goddess, whose only promise for being her boy-toy was immortality. The horror…the horror…”
Mesopotamia: During a 6th-century visit, upon the arrival of the Archaemenid Empire, McCain warned leaders that if they didn’t implement a surge of troops, Mesopotamia would lose its independence to foreign powers wanting to colonize their land. McCain’s prophecy, ignored by leaders at the time, came true with the arrival of the Islamic Caliphates, which paved the way for modern-day Iraq. Ignoring McCain’s 6th-century prophecy once again, Iraq fell to yet another takeover, which McCain has prophesized will last another 100 years.
Sodom & Gomorrah: After escaping the brimstone and firestorms of these cities, McCain’s only comment to the press was “What happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, stays in Sodom and Gomorrah.”
During a rare, off-camera, and unscripted moment on the eve of Super Tuesday, Hillary Just Hillary teared up while watching the newly released Obama music video, “Yes We Can.”
Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video
Why Hillary Just Hillary teared up remains a mystery, but Political Fallout has speculated as to why the former first lady’s tear ducts may have sprung a minor leak:
5. Senior Campaign Advisor Mark Penn, no relationship to Sean, had just informed his boss that Obama had out-raised her by $18 million in January
4. Video stoked fond memories of a training film produced at Wal-Mart while she served as its first female member (1986-1992). The training video instructed employees on how to resist unionizing efforts with a proven call-and-response technique:
Call: "Can We Bust ‘Em!?"
Response: “Yes We Can!”
3. The Black Eyed Peas will.i.am always make Hillary Just Hillary cry
2. Video reminded her of Bob the Builder episode when Farmer Pickels, despite the efforts of Bob and Wendy’s “Yes-We-Can” optimism, lost his family farm during the agribusiness boon in the ‘90s -- spearheaded by Slick Willy and the Corporate Pigs.
1. Now regrets having cast an absentee vote for herself in New York
Despite Sen. Barack Obama’s surprise, at least to the pollsters and those who believe them, loss to Sen. Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire tonight, he remained upbeat and positive, borrowing a line from apolitical Bob the Builder to fire up the audience. During a call-and-response component of his concession speech, Obama called out a series of rhetorical questions, only to answer them himself with “Yes We Can.”
Obama's Call: "Can We Do It, America?"
Obama's Response: “Yes We Can!”
Bob the Builder stumps for Obama at local Teamsters' Union rally in New Hampshire
“We’re happy to see that Bob’s message has resonated with Obama,” Wendy, a spokeswoman for Bob the Builder, told Political Fallout. “Bob has always espoused the same message -- a message of change, and we’re glad to see that it has finally gained some traction among eligible voters. My only regret is that Mr. Obama didn’t attribute Bob for using his life-long message. ”
Obama caught on camera hiding in the Bushes
Hades: Upon returning from the underworld, seemingly unscathed by shades of the past, McCain promptly checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, where it’s reported that he underwent a fervent detoxication program to help flush sacrificial goats’ blood from his system.
