Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

While trying to follow the GOP's line of argument against including a public option in health care reform, I found myself sniffing the rear end of Wile E. Coyote in an underground tunnel just outside of Alburquerque. Go figure.

Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

Obama vs. McCain: Video killed the grumpy ol’ political star

Sen. John SYDNEY McCain has taken several lumps from the media for his inability to keep up with the latest trends in technology. Last night’s non-debate illustrated this point, literally, as McCain showed the world that he has yet to adapt to the technological advancement born during his formative years. Not the club, silly, rather: the television. In particular, the split-screen that simultaneously captured both candidates’ facial expressions for the American viewers — half of which just may vote.

I caught the first part of the debate on the radio and both candidates sounded presidential — whatever that means. However, when I caught the rest of it on the tube, I knew within five minutes that McCain’s last pitch to the American people had failed. Voters, especially the undecided and independent, were not buying McCain’s Howard Beale-Grouch Marx impersonation.

McCain: Why so angry?



For McCain, pundits have argued that he needed a game-changer — not a channel-changer.

I suspect his strategists knew this going into the final non-debate and turned to desperate measures: hypnotism. McCain’s R.E.M. like blinking failed to entrance and/or hypnotize me, or Obama. We were not swayed by McCain’s Svengalian attempt to lure us into submission:

“Must vote McCain/Must vote McCain …”

Nor were those polled by the mainstream pollsters afterward.

McCain touts himself as a reformer, yet he keeps sticking to failed tactics in his campaign as evidenced in the debate (e.g. playing the Bill Ayers card). Whenever he is called out on why he has resorted to negative campaigning, McCain’s resorts to his patented “If … then” logical fallacy:

“As I have said before, my friends, if Senator Obama would have agreed to the series of town hall debates I proposed earlier, I would not have to resort to negative campaigning, character assassination, and hypnosis.”

When the election is over, I imagine McCain will use this line of defense to try to reconcile his reputation, or what is left of it at that point. I’m sure he will continue to blame the media as well — that is, when he’s not eternally damning ALL bloggers to hell (several blinks into submission here).

SNL Skewers Palin, Serves Up Another Moose-Inspired Appetizer

Secretly, satirists are hoping for the worst: a McCain/Palin victory come November.

Why, you ask?

Answer: Job Security

Tina Fey delivers another spot-on impersonation of Sarah Palin. Fey’s first Palin bit convinced her daughter, so much so that she said at last week’s Emmy’s that she didn’t want to play Palin anymore.

Nonetheless:

“Gov. Palin and Katie Couric get real and adorable”

Will McCain’s ‘Campaign to Nowhere’ Cut-and-Run from Tonight’s Debate?

Sen. McCain, far left, prays that President Bush, or anyone else for that matter calls on him to repsond to any questions regarding the economic crisis and/or how to fix it: "Please, please, please, God ... don't let them call on me. I sware I will never approve another lie or half-truth in an ad against my opponent, Sen. Obama, again."

Enquiring minds:

A. Could care less

B. Are preoccupied with more pressing issues such as global warming and. or whether or not Lindsay Lohan is really a lesbian

C. Are still trying to figure out why McCain picked Palin

D. Have subleased their bodies to America and moved their minds to Canada

But the Campaign to Nowhere, although suspended*, is playing up the dramatic, made-for-television pilot show that is destined to be canceled by the Producers Nov. 4.

*In an attempt to hold Congress hostage by threatening to cancel his appearance at the debate (“Ooooooooooooooooooo…”), McCain suspended his Campaign to Nowhere to return to D.C. and help fix the sound economy. Although suspended, McCain is still allowed to make appearances on shows that will loft soft-ball questions, but any media outlets that ask questions that merit responses to complex issues (e.g. “Late Night with David Letterman”) will be off limits.

Palin & Clinton Flaunt Nonpartisan Baggage on Saturday Night Live

When I first saw Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, I thought she looked like Tina Fey and imagined the elitist late-night sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live, would have a field day with Palin.

SNL wasted no time satirizing Palin last night with its opening sketch:

“A Nonpartisan Message from Gov. Sarah Palin and Sen. Hillary Clinton”



Best Juxtaposed Lines:

Clinton: “I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy."

Palin: “I can see Russia from my house.”

Best Straight Talk:

Clinton: “I invite the media to grow a pair and if you can’t, I will lend you mine.”

This line especially hit home after Team McCain and the GOP Machine called for a jihad on the press at its widely covered Republican National Commercial.

The latter may be "The Campaign to Nowhere's" undoing, for it may work on the GOP base, but it is likely to push the Independents into Obama’s camp.

Republican National Commercial: Fallout and Other Observations

The Republicans’ four-day Infomercial ended Thursday in Minnesota’s fraternal Twin Cities, and despite the fact no literal casualties were reported (although crews have yet to clear all of the balloons from ground zero), it is safe to say that politics will never be the same.

McCain shows off the largest of his seven homes, bragging his eighth, The White House, will be his biggest achievement of all

Regarding the latter allusion, I felt like the target audience inside the arena was upper middle class folks who have been duped by the powers that be that such a distinction exists and those prone to sporadic bouts of amnesia or Nationalistic-induced Tourette’s Syndrome outbursts:

“U.S.A…U.S.A…U.S.A…!” (shouted to drown out dissenters)

“Drill, baby, drill…! (chant for collective lobotomy to help end dependence on foreign thinking)

I realize the GOP wants the voting electorate to whitewash the past eight years in their minds, but I couldn’t help but feel I was watching an Amnesia Convention. Or was it a gun show? It seems I have forgotten.

Everyone, including McCain, knows that John SYDNEY McCain was a P.O.W. in the Vietnam War, and was shot down and tortured by his captors. But did every speaker need to remind us of this?

Everyone, including McCain, knows that former New York Mayor Rudy Guliani was on the ground during the Sept. 11 attacks, but just in case, the RNC displayed a video of the New York City skyline at sunset as it reflected off the harbor and Rudy’s receding skyline.

Before mocking Obama and community organizing, Rudy Giuliani read Allen Ginsberg's poem, "America," with the NYC sunset falling on the harbor in the backdrop

Speaking of which, most voters are Baldists, so whether voters are ready for another bald president remains to be seen come November.

Romney/Romney ‘12

Romney used the platform to deliver his 2012 speech, filled with liberal bashing and an allusion to “Romeo & Juliet” with an attempt at poetry and the sun rising in the east. Somebody forgot to tell Romney that Romeo and Juliet die in the end of the play – not an optimistic outlook for the former Eastern Governor.

Most Effective Speech: President Bush

Although the party faithful oohed and ahhed over Palin’s speech, the most effective speech was the one not delivered, thanks to Hurricane Gustav. Not being seen with Bush trumps being seen with Palin in any hand, unless you are playing with Karl Rove’s loaded deck. Can’t wait for the next two months of 52-card pick up, now that the GOP has officially declared a Jihad on the MEDIA (sparing only the fair-and-balanced FOX News, so somebody will be left to tell the story to future neo-cons). Tsk, Tsk, GOP; I suggest giving Gary Hart his presidential playbook back.

Best Chant: “Four More Years…Four More Years…!”

Republican National Commercial Political Fallout Index:

Ratio of Protestors to GOP Delegates: 9 to 1

Ratio of Corporate Lobbyists to GOP Delegates: 17 to 1

Number of protesters arrested outside of convention center: 400

Number of Delegates who fell asleep during McCain’s speech: 400

Number of times speakers said “executive experience”: no total (abacas ran out of beads)

Number of times speakers talked about health care: 0

Number of times Republicans played P.O.W. card: no total (again, abacas ran out of beads)

Number of times McCain addressed Veterans Care: 0

LiveBloggin’ Da Maverick Wannabe: John SYDNEY McCain

Late start on live blog...

McCain wants to reach out to every willing patriot and find peace and prosperity through Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Russia, and Alaska.

Enter Willing Patriot: “Come on down, you are the next contestant on the RNC’s ‘The Price is Right’”

Code Pink is in the House and she is pissed as she rushes the stage and appears to be shedding her clothes for America, unveiling a hot pink silk negligee that may have aroused Johnny Mac at one point in his life.

We take a moment to interrupt this live blog to introduce this Infomercials official buzz words:

EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE!

Can you say executive experience? I knew you could, neighbor.

Sydney plays the Maverick Card.

Two mavericks minus one Cowboy and one Darth Vader = the end of the world as we know it.

Mac does a little Republican bashing, throwing in some Dems. D.C. bashing in the Twin Cities is contagious, folks. The bashing my friend is blowing in the wind… Nice homage to Minnesota’s very own, Bob Dylan.

Johnny Mac: Don’t legislate from the bench inspires crowd to rise from genuflecting stance and applause, nodding their heads, thinking that it’s better to legislate from the Oval Office, not the bench.

Look out those of you on the dole, Mac is going to send you packin’ to another country where you will be able to get your job back that put you on the government’s dime.

I wish the teleprompter wasn’t by the camera, I feel that the Maverick is looking right at me, right through me and the gateway to my soul: okay, I confess, Johnny, I’ve had sinful thoughts about Cindy.

Dear John, How will poor kids get to these other non-failing public and charter schools you speak of?

Can you say project? McCain just officially made it three syllables. If vouchers had only been around when he was a kid. He could have buggy-jacked a buggy and whipped his way to the nearest non-failing school down the unpaved highway.

Did they have public speaking in public schools back then? If so, I imagine Bam-Bam would have eventually improved his monosyllabic vocabulary.

Johnny’s not afraid of those Damn Ruskies. He know evil, especially Commie Evil.

Did you see how he handled that Code Pinko Commie sympathizer? Huh, did you? You want some of that Russia?

WTF: Sydney hates War? Who needs war when you can have surges and conflicts and the franchising of Democracy, eh?

I have the scars to prove it? Was Mac speaking metaphorically?

Interesting strategy: Bash Obama, then let’s bring it together and work together. Political Shock and Awe. This may just work.

Hat tip to GOD. You the Diety, God!

McCain admits service was all about him, not anything bigger than him?

Breaking News: John McCain was a P.O.W. during the Vietnam War.

Audience has inappropriately displayed USA flag and sign that says “John Mavrick.” Was that intentionally misspelled. How did that kid get by security? Clearly a byproduct of the NCLB movement.

McCain points out misspelled sign, "John Mavrick," and says "Hey, that's not how you spell Maverick. Maverick has two 'r's"

MSNBC apologizes for footage of Code Pink protestor, washing their hands of any responsibility, noting that the camerapersons are part of a consortium.

Stand up and fight ending sends GOP into writhing frenzy.

61 political-shopping days until the election...

McCain Spokesman: Obama Hasn’t Visited Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory (Maine)

While Obama wrapped up his World Tour and media love-fest, McCain’s campaign took time out from its County Fair Tour to issue some “Oh yeah, but…” statements to whomever would listen or had some dead-air to fill before deadline.

“In fact, [Obama's] never met with President Uribe in Colombia, as John McCain has,” McCain’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said on CNN today. “Obama has still yet to take a trip to Mexico City to have those meetings there and his relationship with Canada, I think, took a turbulent roll through the primaries.”

So na-na-na-boo-boo, Mr. Fancy Pants Obama.

When reporters pushed Bounds to elaborate, he added, “Oh yeah, and Obama has never been to heaven, hell, or Purgatory, Maine,” implying that McCain has vited all of these places.

Inspired by the battle of the Oh-the-Place-We-Will-Go Empty-Rhetoric War, the Political Fallout Fact-Check Team did some of its own digging into the past and unearthed, literally, some other places that John McCain has visited BUT Obama has NOT:

Atlantis (below): McCain reportedly visited the island before it sank below the sea. Reports indicate that McCain intended to inspect the island’s powerful naval academy to brush up on naval domination, but got sidetracked by his “Go Atlantis Guidebook.” McCain spent the majority of his goodwill trip to Atlantis snorkeling and looking for King Titan and his restless band of mermaids under the sea.

Hades: Upon returning from the underworld, seemingly unscathed by shades of the past, McCain promptly checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, where it’s reported that he underwent a fervent detoxication program to help flush sacrificial goats’ blood from his system.

Ithaca: Although Homer did not mention or footnote McCain’s visit to Ithaca and meeting with King Odysseus, McCain distinctly remembers having a cordial conversation with the King and his wife, Penelope. “I truly felt Odysseus’ pain after his 20 years away from home, 10 of which were lost in a grueling battle with the Trojans,” McCain told Political Fallout. “I felt like I really connected to Odysseus, especially when comparing my experiences as a prisoner-of-war and Odysseus’ seven-year captivity by Calypso. I can’t begin to imagine what Odysseus must have suffered at the hands of a beautiful goddess, whose only promise for being her boy-toy was immortality. The horror…the horror…”

Mesopotamia: During a 6th-century visit, upon the arrival of the Archaemenid Empire, McCain warned leaders that if they didn’t implement a surge of troops, Mesopotamia would lose its independence to foreign powers wanting to colonize their land. McCain’s prophecy, ignored by leaders at the time, came true with the arrival of the Islamic Caliphates, which paved the way for modern-day Iraq. Ignoring McCain’s 6th-century prophecy once again, Iraq fell to yet another takeover, which McCain has prophesized will last another 100 years.

Sodom & Gomorrah: After escaping the brimstone and firestorms of these cities, McCain’s only comment to the press was “What happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, stays in Sodom and Gomorrah.”

Will McCain ‘Denounce’ and ‘Reject’ Bush’s Endorsement?

Like young misguided lust, political campaigns can be such “sweet sorrow,” especially when it comes to endorsements. Bush, whose disapproval rating has nearly bottomed out, save those still on the White House Payroll (including Iowa’s very own Jimmy the Hustler), invited John SIDNEY McCain over for tea and crumpets before dropping an endorsement bomb on John-Boy’s head.

“Bomb, bomb, bomb…bomb, bomb McCain's bid…”

At one point during their political tryst, Sydney and Walker were spotted walking and holding hands en route to the White House garden. Caught unawares by a White House photographer, the two pulled their hands away like a couple of fifth graders who everyone in the school knew were “going with each other,” but tried to conceal their public displays of affection nonetheless -- fearing they may get caught and everybody would find out what they already knew (see pic above).

Despite the political airs put on by Sydney and Walker, which culminated with the exchange of their political vows, the Democrats were not fooled by their convenient reconciliation. The Democrat attack machine took a Herculean approach to the newly forged alliance and used the occasion to warn voters about the latest Neocon-Hydra Monster (aka John SIDNEY* McCain) lurking in the political cesspools surrounding D.C.

Knowing full well that cutting Bush’s head off will merely result in two heads growing back, the Democrats had to devise a new plan of attack: “A Surge of Liberals!”

McCain: McSame as Bush

John McCain: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Bush’s Troop Surge

In times of unchecked war and agression, We the People must ask our leaders

What are you compensating for lately?

Live from the War Room: Sen. John McCain and Gen. Buck Turgidson illustrate they have a lot to compensate for:



(Video produced by Brave New Films)

Anything but the E-word: a Political Cautionary Tale

Just when you thought it was safe to support a presidential candidate based upon irrational factors such as qualifications, job experience, shared ideologies and values, the E-word reared its divisive little head. No, I’m not talking about evil or exit polls, but something far more dangerous to the electoral psyche: electability. There, I said it, but out of fear of saying it again, thus feeding its power, I will not say it again.

During the 2004 presidential election, the E-word managed to single-handedly destroy Democratic voters and their ability to think for themselves. And now, four years later, the political tables have turned as the E-word has seeped its way into GOP waters. As the second-quarter filing deadline neared last week, U.S. Sen. John McCain’s campaign manager sent out an e-mail soliciting donations from supporters, providing them with one reason to support McCain: "John McCain is the only candidate who can defeat Hillary Clinton.” Campaign manager Terry Nelson helped drive home this fear at the end of the message: “Please also pass this message along to your friends and family to remind them of the stakes in this election.” I assume by stakes he meant Clinton winning the nomination.

I imagine McCain’s rivals might have other ideas about this, not to mention Clinton’s Democratic rivals. Nonetheless, McCain’s stoking of the GOP base’s “Anybody but Hillary” fire is reminiscent of the “Anybody but Bush” mental quagmire that ensnared the Democrats in 2004, which ultimately devoured their chances of winning when they nominated Mr. Electable, John Kerry, who wasn’t so electable after all.

The question is how, when and why did the E-word pop into presidential politics. The short answers are Karl Rove, 2003, and to help get George W. Bush re-elected. I cannot prove that Rove was the mastermind behind injecting the E-word into the Democrats' camp, but it has the makings of a great theory in the mystical realm of political science.

Granted, I don’t have a well-financed think tank to gather selective evidence and conduct polls guaranteed to prove my theory, but I do have a hunch. And the last time I checked, hunches were free, unless they’re espoused by political consultants, who get paid well to be wrong. Just ask Bob Shrum, the Democrats' consultant whose abysmal 0-7 track record has yet to wield a winning presidential candidate, including his latest casualty, John Kerry. Besides, Rove plays a great Wizard of D.C., regardless of what levers he does or does not pull behind the political curtain.

Just before the 2004 Iowa Caucuses, the Democrats had been stricken with fear and had already succumbed to the “Anybody but Bush” mentality. The E-word consumed all of the other issues as the Democrats faced an identity crisis. Consequently, a number of Iowans went to the caucuses and voted for Kerry, despite the fact he was not their number one choice. I lost count of the number of times I heard voter say to me, “I really want ‘your preferred candidate here’ to win, but I think John Kerry has the best chance of beating Bush.” (Rove’s sinister laugh here as he pulls the E-word lever down.)

After caucus night, I put my hypothesis to the test when I attended to the 2nd District Democratic convention in southern Iowa. Throughout the day, I asked as many Kerry delegates as I could to give me three reasons why they or I should vote for Kerry. Most of Kerry’s supporters responded like robots, as if they had been transformed into a Rovian Stepford Voter: “Must beat Bush…Must beat Bush.” Any signs of reason had been replaced by vacant stares. It was at this point I knew there was something more to the E-word.

Regardless of the E-word’s origins, the fact remains that it did become an integral part of the voter psyche, handicapping Democrats as they raced to the middle and tried to go toe-to-toe with Republicans on their own turf. Instead of focusing on why their nominee should win the presidency, the Democrats’ strategy was to focus on why the GOP nominee should not win.

And now, with less than six months remaining until the Iowa Caucuses, the E-word has manifested in the GOP who, like the Democrats in ’04, are facing an identity crisis as they search for a candidate. Without a clear Democratic nominee, the Republican Party is shoring up its base by setting its sights on defeating the presumed front-runner, Clinton. Democrats aren’t immune to this as presidential hopefuls gear up for winning the party nomination. John Edwards, an E-word casualty in ’04, has already dropped the E-word in Iowa, proclaiming he is the best candidate positioned to win swing states and the general election.

The best way to eradicate the E-word from public political discourse is for voters to stop listening to the exterior voices and to pay attention to the voices inside their own heads. Granted, this is no easy task when the media keep perpetuating the presidential horse race with a bullhorn and pundits handicap the candidates, prognosticating like college football analysts.

In a society that usually champions underdogs, we’re quick to dismiss second- and third-tier presidential candidates, and are willing to sacrifice idealism for pragmatism. But who knows, maybe one day the Stepford Voters will be reprogrammed to think and speak for themselves: “Must vote conscience…Must vote conscience.”

Until then, I think I’ll adopt the “Anybody but me” mindset to help me decide whom I’ll vote for on the night of the Iowa Caucuses.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Is America Ready for Another Bald President?

Americans and the media have always been obsessed with the “haves” and the “have nots,” and this goes without saying when it comes to John Edwards’ hair and his $400 haircut. A recent FOX News/Opinion Dynamics Poll asked telephone interviewees: Do you happen to know which presidential candidate has been in the news recently for paying $400 for a haircut?”

The only answers proffered by the interviewer were the top three Democratic candidates, followed by two of my favorite responses to all poll questions: “Other” and “Don’t Know;” although my favorite and standard response is “Don’t Care.” The results showed that roughly 46 percent of the respondents did not know about Edwards’ $400 haircut, which, as Greg Sargent pointed out on TPM Café, is 4 percent less than the number who knew that Saddam did not have WMD when we invaded Iraq. But as FOX News very well knows, we cannot begin muddling viewers' lives with facts. In the television news business, Weapons of Mass Deception are vital in winning the ratings war. Facts are major downers and a literal turn off to the television masses.

Speaking of the “haves and have nots,” the mainstream media’s negligence goes beyond their cursory coverage of the news. John Edwards’ haircut is merely a manifestation of a deeper issue that has long divided Americans along hairlines. Yes, folks, the “Two Americas” I’m talking about are those Americans who have hair and those who don’t have hair. There, I’ve said it. It was just a matter of time before I slicked back the comb-over and revealed the truth. The reason the majority of Americans are obsessed with hair is because we still live in a baldist society. Baldism is the real issue here, not the fact that Edwards paid an unseemly amount of money for a haircut.

Unfortunately, the “Bald is Beautiful” campaign does not extend itself to presidential politics. Pundits have been asking voters: Are Americans ready for a woman president? An African-American president? An Hispanic president? A Mormon president? But when will pundits and pollsters begin asking the real question: Are Americans ready for another bald president?

We haven’t had a bald president in 35 years, not since President Gerald Ford (see photo). But before you Baldists start touting Ford’s candidacy as a means of supplementing your own baldist guilt (“But, but…I’m not a baldist. Some of my good friends are bald.”), keep in mind that Ford was never elected to be president, or vice president for that matter. Ford, a distinctly bald man, had to win the presidency by entering the back doors of the White House. Ford was nominated to take former Vice President Spiro Agnew’s when he resigned, and then Ford fell into the presidency when President Nixon resigned in the wake of the Watergate scandal.

We have to go back 50 years to President Dwight Eisenhower’s re-election to note the last time the American people elected a bald president. Granted, Eisenhower (in case you've never heard of Eisenhower and or don't know what he looks like, see photo above) had to overcome the pervading baldism of the 1950's, but thanks to the positive “I Like Ike” media blitz, Americans were able overcome their inherent baldist bias. Furthermore, Eisenhower, a general and decorated war hero, was elected six years after World War II. People were still accustomed to bald men returning from the war and were able to put their baldist differences aside and take a leap of faith at the polls.

Fifty years later, however, baldism has reared its head in presidential politics and is destined to play an integral role, whether it's conscious or subconscious, in the 2008 election. We cannot deny this anymore. Looking at this year’s crop of well-groomed candidates, the Democratic " field has no bald candidates, while the Republicans have two bald candidates, Sen. John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, both considered top-tiered candidates. Clearly, history is stacked up against these guys and, as is the case with most bald presidential hopefuls, they have insurmountable odds to overcome in the next year.

Knowing two of their top three candidates are bald, the GOP has been internally struggling to find a viable candidate. They’re still looking for their white knight, and it appears former Sen. Fred Thompson may come to save the day. He’s already generating a buzz among GOP circles, but before they get their hopes up too high, they may want to proceed with caution.

News flash: Fred Thompson is bald! There, I said what had to be said.

Former Sen. Fred Thompson strikes former President Ford-like pose

When my hairline began receding in high school, I knew then that my presidential aspirations had begun to recede as well. I’ve vowed to never buy into the illusion that I can overcome the obstacles of balding by gradually concealing my follicle shortcomings with a hairpiece, veiling it with a comb-over, or replenishing my hair loss by transplanting hair from other, unmentionable parts of my body. I knew if I wanted to become president, I would have to change the baldists and put an end to baldism once and for all. My job is to change the closeted behaviors of all the baldists out there, who claim they are not, but behind the curtain know very well they could never vote for a bald president.

It’s time to pull back the political comb-overs, throw out the hair pieces and blur the hairline between the Two “Hair” Americas. We, Americans, need to start focusing on the meat of the issues, rather than obsessing on our wait staff’s hair, or better yet, lack of hair.

So I ask again: Is America ready for another bald president? Possible choices: (A) Not Sure, (B) Don’t Know, or (C) Don’t Care.

If you answered "C," you are correct in the sense that you paid attention to the front end of the column and have followed my advice. I will give you partial credit if you guessed "C" – since that’s what most Americans have been trained to do when they have absolutely no idea as to the answer.

Don’t worry, if you answered or guessed "A" or "B," there is still hope, although, this is contingent upon divine timing and whether or not you’re home when FOX News calls and asks you some questions thinly veiled by a newsworthy comb-over.

Cross-Posted at "Iowa Independent"

McCain Highlights Expertise on RPGs & Bongs

McCain’s Straight Talkin’ Pandering bus pulled off the campaign trail today to give Sen. McCain a chance to stretch his legs and exercise his chops. Regarding the latter, he returned fire on his senate colleague, Sen. Barack Obama, who earlier defended his vote against the Pentagon Welfare* Blank Check bill.

*Pentagon Welfare is the government’s use of tax-payers money to subsidize the Military Industrial Complex.

Always the opportunist, McCain ceased the moment to showcase his expertise on RPGs and Bongs:

“Obama wouldn’t know the difference between an RPG and a bong.”

"Got bong? Oh, I got your bong, Obama. Cue it maestro: 'Bong, bong, bong...bong, bong Iran...'"

McCain’s statement implies that he’s knowledgeable about both, so let’s check out the translation and definition in our trusty “McCain-English Only Dictionary”:

Bong: also known as a water pipe, is a smoking device used to inhale dope. Often times dope is distorted by politicians and the media, but when inhaled through a bong, the water serves as a purifier and filters out most of the carcinogenic lies while leaving behind the straight dope.

A high school student group, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus," greets McCain's Straight Talkin' Pandering Bus as it navigates its way through town. The newly-formed 527 group is an advocacy group for keeping Jesus' words purified and out of the hands of politicians -- who pollute and manipulate the Savior's words with carcinogenic lies in order to get elected.

RPG (Roleplaying Game): is the type in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters and collaboratively create or follow stories. Participants determine their course of actions of their respective characters based on their characterization. Within the rules, players and/or the designated Master can improvise freely, changing the rules as they go as their choices shape the direction and outcome of the games. A role-playing game rarely has winners or losers.A typical role-playing game unifies its participants into a single team, known as a "party", that plays as a group. These episodic games are often played in weekly sessions over a period of months or even years.

RPG Example: The War in Iraq. Detainment Camp Master George Bush and his Merry Pranksters (alias: The Republicans) hop aboard the Straight Talkin’ Pandering Bus and embark on global adventures in their fight against Evil. Using fabricated intelligence, DCM Bush leads his band of hawks down an RPG strand with no exit strategy. Along the way, when the Detainment Camp Master is not changing the rules to the game, he’s tripping up the players with misinformation, prefabricated lies and half truths, and false intelligence. Because the “War on Terror” has no objective-base outcomes or endgame, the RPG is never ending, meaning there are never any winners or losers.

McCain’s right about one thing, if ever there was an expert on RPGs, it would definitely be him.

McCain Touts New Scapegoat: Mr. Potato Head

In a town hall meeting in Fort Dodge, Sen. John McCain appealed to voters by blaming Mr. Potato Head for the GOP’s election losses. Senator McCain has come under fire for his adamant support for the Iraq War and the surge of troops, and to help deflect these criticisms, he hired Mr. Potato Head to serve as his campaign’s obligatory fall guy. Mr. Potato Head’s agent said, “If anybody can take the heat, it would be my client, Mr. Potato Head. This won’t be the first game of hot potato he’s been in, and I guarantee that it won’t be his last. Through thick and thin, Mr. Potato Head is in to win.”

Senator McCain showcases his uncanny resemblance to his new campaign scapegoat, Mr. Potato Head.

Emulating McCain’s “Straight Talking Express” campaign motif, Mr. Potato Head has called for complete transparency and has openly disclosed some of the terms of his contract.

I, Mr. Potato Head, agree to serve as Senator McCain’s campaign scapegoat, and will take responsibility for all of the following:

Helping create the Civil War in Iraq, and had the President listened to me and sent more troops at the beginning of the war, this Civil War would have a lot more civil than it is now.

Any terrorist spud cells that manifest in the continental United States.

Any terrorist who follows our soldiers home (should the U.S. begin withdrawing troops before we actually win the war).

Anna Nichole Smith’s death. (Laugh now, but mark my word as a legal American spud, this will be McCain’s first Swift Boat incident.)

I’m the one who hired McCain’s character assassination hit team.

Any apparent flip-flops on Sen. McCain’s behalf between now and the ’08 election.

I wrote the lyrics to “Bomb Iran.”

Using ancient spud hypnosis, I made McCain completely forget the McCain-Feingold bill and its intent.

The tamper-proof ID card was all my idea.

GOP Hopefuls’ April Fools’ Haikus

I Pity the April Fools’ Haikus

John McCain: Straight Talkin’ Panderer

McCain tours Iraq;
Finds silver lining in hell.
The surge is working.

Tommy Thompson: GOP’s Only “Reliable Conservative”

Screw Democracy!
Socialism in Iraq
Is the only Way!!

Mike Huckabee: GOP’s Marathon Man

A Spartan campaign
Running on shoestring budget:
I’m your Huckabee!

Rudy Giuliani: America’s Soprano

Pledges to clean up
D.C.'s dirty politics.
No? Just ask Kerik!

Tom Tancredo: The Gun Totin’ Xenophobe

Culture we imposed
On Indians is threatened.
Assimilate now!

Sam Brownback: "God’s Senator"

Look before leaping
Your faith in God’s Senator.
Iraq bed of nails.

John McCain Wins ‘Fallout’s Third “Duh” Award

On the heels of Sen. John McCain’s resurrection of the “Straight Talk Express,” the former political maverick found himself, yet again, apologizing for his straight talkin’ ways. Now John, everybody knows that running for president means never having to say you’re sorry. Just ask the guy who beat you last time. Although, given the number of apologies that have already been dropped, this presidential campaign is shaping up to be one of the sorriest campaigns in political history. I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have said “sorriest.” This is a sorry affront to the current administration. I should have used the word apologetic.

McCain’s two-headed monster, Dr. Maverick & Mr. Hyde, came rolling through Iowa this past weekend aboard the Straight Talking Panderin’ Mobile. While pandering to 500 Black Hawk County Republicans, Dr. Maverick paid homage to one of his GOP competitors, Mitt Romney, by dropping a “tar baby” bomb on his audience. Probably not the best context for Mr. Hyde to rear his sorry-ass head, considering Black Hawk County has one of the highest percentages of African-Americans in the state of Iowa.

So without further adieu, we would like to present to you the third winner of the Political Fallout “Duh” Award:

Winner: John McCain (alias Dr. Maverick & Mr. Hyde, The Straight Talkin’ Apologist)

“Duh, what were you thinking?”: For using “tar baby” to describe the invalidation of divorces: “For me to stand here before all these people and say I’m going to declare divorces invalid because someone feels they weren’t treated fairly in court, we are getting into a tar baby of enormous proportions,” McCain said. The roots of “tar baby” date back to McCain’s formative years in the 19th century, alluding to an African-American folktale that refers to a doll made of tar that traps Br’er Rabbit. Originally “tar baby” had been a way to describe a sticky situation or mess, but, like the word “fag” (British term for tedious or tiresome chore; cigarette) the term has taken on a more derogatory meaning -- in this case when used to describe an African American. The negative connotations of “tar baby” stemmed from the media’s exaggerated depictions and racist caricatures of African-Americans in print, film, and television. (see pic on right)

*Political Fallout has established the “Duh” Award, which will honor people, politicians, groups, political factions, or any other entity whose actions merit a “Duh, what were you thinking?” response from any member of the blogsphere community. Another factor that will be considered during the “Duh” Award vetting process is how the candidate responded to the controversy, especially if the nominee acts genuinely surprised. “Duh, what were you thinking?” has been adopted and trademarked by Political Fallout as one of its official catch phrases. Anyone who uses this phrase, without thoroughly compensating Political Fallout, will be served papers from the Political Fallout legal team, suing them for “unfair use." (“Duh, what were you thinking?”)

Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT Do to Win the Presidency (v. 1)

Last week, John McCain’s Straight Panderin’ Express jumped the track yet again, proving that McCain will say just about anything to win the '08 presidential election. After dropping a bomb on Rumsfled (yes, the misspelling is intentional), McCain unleashed his unchecked bravado upon big Dick.

McCain feels full extent of Cheney's sexually repressed powers as big Dick attempts to squeeze presidential life out of John

Now if you’re looking for a thoroughly documented account of what McCain is willing to do to win, go to “The Real McCain.” We at Political Fallout prefer the bigger challenge of speculating on what McCain will NOT do to win the presidency. This leads to the first rendition of:

The Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT* Do (for Cheney) to Win the Presidency:

5. Wear his “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt while caddying for Dick on an Afghanistan golf course

4. Stop thinking of Dick when playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” while tearing off G.I. Joe heads from his extensive collection

3. Make a spiritual trek to Oz to buy Dick’s heart back from local pawn shop

2. Dress up in Darth Vader costume and perform lap dance for Dick

1. Father Lynne Cheney’s second child (unless of course Dick told him to do it)

*Should John McCain do any of these things between now and the Presidential Election, Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for John Boy’s actions.

McCain Hides Behind Name, Skips Iraq Vote

"Ducking this issue calls for real leadership." (Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby,“The Simpsons”)

Leading GOP Hawk, Senator John McCain, decided to play hooky from his senatorial obligations today, taking refuge in the Hawkeye state. According to a Senate truancy report filed by Senate majority leader Harry Reid: “In lieu of joining his comrades in a Republican filibuster of the procedural vote to advance a nonbinding resolution criticizing Bush’s call for a troop escalation in Iraq, it appears Senator McCain had fled to the Heartland.”

After the Senators voted 56-34 to invoke cloture and proceed to a floor vote on the resolution, Senator McCain, the biggest supporter of Bush’s call for troop buildup, was nowhere to be found -- despite Reid’s repeated calls for the missing Senator McCain on the Senate floor: “Johnny, come out, come out wherever you are? Oh Johnny…”

Concerned for Senator McCain’s safety and welfare, Reid issued a “Political Amber Alert” for the missing senator, who was reportedly last seen hiding behind his name in D.C. – a political ploy that has become a namesake for the McCain Campaign.

Update: Iowa Senator "Grassley Chides McCain?"

Naughty, naughty, Johnny... What's it going to be, Mr. McCain: 20 lashes across the knuckles or 3 days out-of-state suspension?

McCain Selling Soul and Integrity on eBay

Not only is Senator John McCain “in to win,” but he’s hired a team of political campaign thugz who can’t wait for the bleeding to begin. McCain, a one-time critic of the negative attack ads which left deep stab wounds in his back after his rumble with the Bush Gang during the 2000 election, is taking no chances or prisoners this time. Johnny’s in for the kill!

The McCain Gang’s first move was to gut the “Straight Talk Express,” replacing it with the “Straight Attack Me and I’ll Rip Your Heart Out and Make You Watch it Beat on YouTube Express.” To show he means business, McCain is selling his soul and integrity on eBay. The bidding on McCain’s integrity started at $1, but no takers thus far. Meanwhile, McCain has had several offers on his soul and has already piecemealed portions of his soul out to the following bidders, hiring them for “protection”:

Mark McKinnon, Russell Schriefer, and Stuart Stevens: made advertisements for George W. Bush in 2000 which distorted McCain’s record.

Advertising Firm, Stevens Reed Curcio & Potholm: made Swift Boat Veterans for Truth advertisement spots which claimed Senator John Kerry had not earned his medals from the Vietnam War.

Terry Nelson: McCain’s national campaign manager and former leader of committee which sponsored an advertisement against Harold Ford of Tennessee. The ad was not only racist, but also implied Ford was sexually promiscuous.

Satan: ruler of the demonic underworld who surfaces every election cycle and serves as the central hub for negative campaigning. Although, since the campaign cycle has evolved into a perpetual cycle, Satan has opened up a permanent headquarters -- where he dispenses evil to the highest bidders.

McCain has also been pitching his soul to Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson, but hasn’t received any legitimate bites on his offer.

We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: ‘Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue (No. 2)

Clean Out of the Presidential Nomination Gate, Joe Biden Trips Over Own Tongue

No sooner than Senator Joe Biden announced he’s running for president, Biden tripped over his own tongue. When asked about Obama’s candidacy, Biden said, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African American [presidential candidate] who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

Prior to officially announcing his candidacy, Joe Biden announced “He’s Going to Be Joe Biden.” Not only is Biden facing a self-identity crisis but he never really knows which Biden will open his mouth. The first step in building name recognition is the ability to recognize your own name.Fortunately, the other Biden has media outlets to help whitewash his comments and clarify what he really meant to say had he been Joe Biden when he said what he said. John Stewart attempted to help Joe find himself on the "Daily Show":

Christopher Rants Flips While Political Grandstanding

House Minority Leader Christopher Rants is having a hard time adjusting to the minority party. It’s hard out there for a minority, eh Christopher? It appears Rants has assumed the role of subversive jackass to:

a) undermine the Democratic Majority,
b) lay groundwork for possible run for Rep. Steve King’s congressional seat,
c) set stage for movie remake of “F.I.S.T.,” or
d) none of the above, Rants has always been a jackass?

Rants recently sent letters to thousands of small businesses in Iowa, decrying about the Democrats’ “fair-share” proposal which would “require non-union members to contribute the cost (the fair share) of the union representing them as required by law when they have a dispute with their employer.”

Rants’ response: “…(this) would mean tens of thousands of Hawkeye workers would be forced to fund corruption-prone organizing drives and a limousine lifestyle for union bigwigs . . . And the union czars don’t want to give an account for the confiscatory taxes, destructive laws and straitjacket regulations propped up by their forced-dues-funded political machine and their handpicked politicians.”

Keep your eye in the rearview mirror, Mr. King, Rants’s limousine (paid for by Big Tobacco and other special interest groups, who have found solace in Christopher’s pockets) is coming to getcha…

“Rock-Star” Metaphor Becomes Cliché

While speaking to Fort Dodge Democrats on Saturday (the same day Hillary spoke at a Mega-Town Hall meeting in Des Moines), Tom Vilsack openly admitted he’s not a rock star:

"Well, I'm not a rock star," he continued. "You already know that, but you know what? I'm rock solid."

Thanks to the phenomenon of Senator Barak Obama, the media has concocted the rock-star metaphor, mixing politics with rock ‘n’ roll. Unfortunately there has been a trickle down effect. Despite the recent wave of politicians courting rock stars on their campaign, most voters know that the two don’t mix. In act, mixing the two can be downright lethal (Warning: watching either one of these videos may be hazard to your health and/or political sensibilities. View with caution.):

Hillary Clinton Sings the Star Spangled Banner


John McCain Sings Streisand