McCain Highlights Expertise on RPGs & Bongs

McCain’s Straight Talkin’ Pandering bus pulled off the campaign trail today to give Sen. McCain a chance to stretch his legs and exercise his chops. Regarding the latter, he returned fire on his senate colleague, Sen. Barack Obama, who earlier defended his vote against the Pentagon Welfare* Blank Check bill.

*Pentagon Welfare is the government’s use of tax-payers money to subsidize the Military Industrial Complex.

Always the opportunist, McCain ceased the moment to showcase his expertise on RPGs and Bongs:

“Obama wouldn’t know the difference between an RPG and a bong.”

"Got bong? Oh, I got your bong, Obama. Cue it maestro: 'Bong, bong, bong...bong, bong Iran...'"

McCain’s statement implies that he’s knowledgeable about both, so let’s check out the translation and definition in our trusty “McCain-English Only Dictionary”:

Bong: also known as a water pipe, is a smoking device used to inhale dope. Often times dope is distorted by politicians and the media, but when inhaled through a bong, the water serves as a purifier and filters out most of the carcinogenic lies while leaving behind the straight dope.

A high school student group, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus," greets McCain's Straight Talkin' Pandering Bus as it navigates its way through town. The newly-formed 527 group is an advocacy group for keeping Jesus' words purified and out of the hands of politicians -- who pollute and manipulate the Savior's words with carcinogenic lies in order to get elected.

RPG (Roleplaying Game): is the type in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters and collaboratively create or follow stories. Participants determine their course of actions of their respective characters based on their characterization. Within the rules, players and/or the designated Master can improvise freely, changing the rules as they go as their choices shape the direction and outcome of the games. A role-playing game rarely has winners or losers.A typical role-playing game unifies its participants into a single team, known as a "party", that plays as a group. These episodic games are often played in weekly sessions over a period of months or even years.

RPG Example: The War in Iraq. Detainment Camp Master George Bush and his Merry Pranksters (alias: The Republicans) hop aboard the Straight Talkin’ Pandering Bus and embark on global adventures in their fight against Evil. Using fabricated intelligence, DCM Bush leads his band of hawks down an RPG strand with no exit strategy. Along the way, when the Detainment Camp Master is not changing the rules to the game, he’s tripping up the players with misinformation, prefabricated lies and half truths, and false intelligence. Because the “War on Terror” has no objective-base outcomes or endgame, the RPG is never ending, meaning there are never any winners or losers.

McCain’s right about one thing, if ever there was an expert on RPGs, it would definitely be him.

John McCain Wins ‘Fallout’s Third “Duh” Award

On the heels of Sen. John McCain’s resurrection of the “Straight Talk Express,” the former political maverick found himself, yet again, apologizing for his straight talkin’ ways. Now John, everybody knows that running for president means never having to say you’re sorry. Just ask the guy who beat you last time. Although, given the number of apologies that have already been dropped, this presidential campaign is shaping up to be one of the sorriest campaigns in political history. I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have said “sorriest.” This is a sorry affront to the current administration. I should have used the word apologetic.

McCain’s two-headed monster, Dr. Maverick & Mr. Hyde, came rolling through Iowa this past weekend aboard the Straight Talking Panderin’ Mobile. While pandering to 500 Black Hawk County Republicans, Dr. Maverick paid homage to one of his GOP competitors, Mitt Romney, by dropping a “tar baby” bomb on his audience. Probably not the best context for Mr. Hyde to rear his sorry-ass head, considering Black Hawk County has one of the highest percentages of African-Americans in the state of Iowa.

So without further adieu, we would like to present to you the third winner of the Political Fallout “Duh” Award:

Winner: John McCain (alias Dr. Maverick & Mr. Hyde, The Straight Talkin’ Apologist)

“Duh, what were you thinking?”: For using “tar baby” to describe the invalidation of divorces: “For me to stand here before all these people and say I’m going to declare divorces invalid because someone feels they weren’t treated fairly in court, we are getting into a tar baby of enormous proportions,” McCain said. The roots of “tar baby” date back to McCain’s formative years in the 19th century, alluding to an African-American folktale that refers to a doll made of tar that traps Br’er Rabbit. Originally “tar baby” had been a way to describe a sticky situation or mess, but, like the word “fag” (British term for tedious or tiresome chore; cigarette) the term has taken on a more derogatory meaning -- in this case when used to describe an African American. The negative connotations of “tar baby” stemmed from the media’s exaggerated depictions and racist caricatures of African-Americans in print, film, and television. (see pic on right)

*Political Fallout has established the “Duh” Award, which will honor people, politicians, groups, political factions, or any other entity whose actions merit a “Duh, what were you thinking?” response from any member of the blogsphere community. Another factor that will be considered during the “Duh” Award vetting process is how the candidate responded to the controversy, especially if the nominee acts genuinely surprised. “Duh, what were you thinking?” has been adopted and trademarked by Political Fallout as one of its official catch phrases. Anyone who uses this phrase, without thoroughly compensating Political Fallout, will be served papers from the Political Fallout legal team, suing them for “unfair use." (“Duh, what were you thinking?”)

Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT Do to Win the Presidency (v. 1)

Last week, John McCain’s Straight Panderin’ Express jumped the track yet again, proving that McCain will say just about anything to win the '08 presidential election. After dropping a bomb on Rumsfled (yes, the misspelling is intentional), McCain unleashed his unchecked bravado upon big Dick.

McCain feels full extent of Cheney's sexually repressed powers as big Dick attempts to squeeze presidential life out of John

Now if you’re looking for a thoroughly documented account of what McCain is willing to do to win, go to “The Real McCain.” We at Political Fallout prefer the bigger challenge of speculating on what McCain will NOT do to win the presidency. This leads to the first rendition of:

The Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT* Do (for Cheney) to Win the Presidency:

5. Wear his “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt while caddying for Dick on an Afghanistan golf course

4. Stop thinking of Dick when playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” while tearing off G.I. Joe heads from his extensive collection

3. Make a spiritual trek to Oz to buy Dick’s heart back from local pawn shop

2. Dress up in Darth Vader costume and perform lap dance for Dick

1. Father Lynne Cheney’s second child (unless of course Dick told him to do it)

*Should John McCain do any of these things between now and the Presidential Election, Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for John Boy’s actions.

McCain Selling Soul and Integrity on eBay

Not only is Senator John McCain “in to win,” but he’s hired a team of political campaign thugz who can’t wait for the bleeding to begin. McCain, a one-time critic of the negative attack ads which left deep stab wounds in his back after his rumble with the Bush Gang during the 2000 election, is taking no chances or prisoners this time. Johnny’s in for the kill!

The McCain Gang’s first move was to gut the “Straight Talk Express,” replacing it with the “Straight Attack Me and I’ll Rip Your Heart Out and Make You Watch it Beat on YouTube Express.” To show he means business, McCain is selling his soul and integrity on eBay. The bidding on McCain’s integrity started at $1, but no takers thus far. Meanwhile, McCain has had several offers on his soul and has already piecemealed portions of his soul out to the following bidders, hiring them for “protection”:

Mark McKinnon, Russell Schriefer, and Stuart Stevens: made advertisements for George W. Bush in 2000 which distorted McCain’s record.

Advertising Firm, Stevens Reed Curcio & Potholm: made Swift Boat Veterans for Truth advertisement spots which claimed Senator John Kerry had not earned his medals from the Vietnam War.

Terry Nelson: McCain’s national campaign manager and former leader of committee which sponsored an advertisement against Harold Ford of Tennessee. The ad was not only racist, but also implied Ford was sexually promiscuous.

Satan: ruler of the demonic underworld who surfaces every election cycle and serves as the central hub for negative campaigning. Although, since the campaign cycle has evolved into a perpetual cycle, Satan has opened up a permanent headquarters -- where he dispenses evil to the highest bidders.

McCain has also been pitching his soul to Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson, but hasn’t received any legitimate bites on his offer.

McCain’s “I’m My Own Maverick”

Prologue: "John McCain vs. John McCain":



Final Act: McCain’s “I’m My Own Maverick”

Oh, many, many moons ago,
When I sought the presidency,
I hit the trail a straight-shootin’ maverick,
But was rubbed out by the GOP,
Which was hell-bent on a good’ ol boy --
Bred out of political complacency,
The Christian Right’s new boy-toy --
A prop for the end of Democracy.

Two election cycles have passed,
And our country is a big ‘ol mess.
Time to hit the campaign trail
And spew my straight-talking express.
But first thing’s first,
I’d better two-step with the Right;
For matters can’t get much worse --
‘Less them Christians keep my lips shut tight.

Sure enough, I shot myself in the foot:
Sayin’ one thing, then sayin’ another.
My shot-gun wedding to the Right
Gave birth to Falwell, my illegitimate brother.
And now my straight-talkin’ express is set to derail
That damn ol’ Satan done tripped me up again.
Looks like I’ll be joinin’ ol’ Bush in hell
For an eternal game of straight-shootin’ reminiscin.’

Chorus:

I’m my own Maverick,
I’m my own Maverick.
It sounds absurd I know,
But it really is so.
Oh, I’m my own Maverick…

I used to be a straight talkin' son-of-a-gun
Until my second, yes second presidential run.
I jumped into bed with the Christian Right,
And before I knew what hit me --
Ol’ Jerry had me speakin’ in tongues,
And I lost all my political integrity.

For now I can barely stand myself.
When I look in the mirror,
I make my own self sick;
For I’ve never seen anything queerer:
By George, I am my own Maverick.

Straight Talkin’ McCain Declares “War on Bloggers”

It appears Senator John McCain did not heed Jimmy the Hustler’s advice when his political posse commandeered Jim Nussle’s dispossessed campaign headquarters in Urbandale:

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christian Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

Since then, McCain has been leading with the right and has decided to leave NOTHING to chance in his bid to be the next President of the United States:

First he attempted to court the Christian Right by jumping into bed with Jerry Falwell and hired one of his former staffers to complete the Christian Right threesome.

Then he hired a smear-campaign specialist, Terry Nelson, to be his national campaign manager. This is the man behind the phone-jamming case in New Hampshire and the more notable “Harold, call me!” ad campaign, which smeared Harold Ford in his senatorial bid in Tennessee.

If this wasn’t enough, McCain has lovingly embraced Henry Kissinger, naming him Honorary Co-Chair for his presidential campaign in New York:

John and Henry were sitting in a tree:
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes Iraq, then comes escalation,
Then comes Civil War and economic devastation.

When McCain was recently asked about his relationship with Kissinger, he said, “I’m not at all embarrassed about it; I’m proud of it.” (Aside: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

A surprised Henry Kissinger and John McCain were caught discussing "Straight Talk" behind closed doors.

And now America’s favorite P.O.W. has set his vengeful sites on a target so insidious, the mere mention of its name could prove detrimental to the fate of “Political Fallout.” An unbridled foe that has been linked to the breakdown of moral fiber in America, the increase of child pornography and sexual predators, high gas prices, Katrina, the War in Iraq, global terrorism, the viability of free speech, Britney Spears’s second divorce, politicians who exploit children to enact politicized legislation, global warming, and worst of all, the Democrat’s takeover of both the House and the Senate.

No folks, I’m not talking about rampant ignorance, I’m talking about something exponentially more evil, quite possibly the fourth “Axis of Evil;” I’m talking about (gasp): Bloggers.

McCain’s drafted proposal, called the “Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children Act,” aims to cut down the perpetuation of child pornography on the Internet. Albeit a worthy initiative, but McCain is ironically exploiting the exploitation of exploited children to underhandedly declare a “War on Bloggers” by limiting and/or eliminating open discussions on blogs.

Here are some of the highlights of the legislation found on “Think Progress”:

- Commercial websites and personal blogs “would be required to report illegal images or videos posted by their users or pay fines of up to $300,000.”

- Internet service providers (ISPs) are already required to issue such reports, but under McCain’s legislation, bloggers with comment sections may face “even stiffer penalties” than ISPs.

- Social networking sites will be forced to take “effective measures” — such as deleting user profiles — to remove any website that is “associated” with a sex offender. Sites may include not only Facebook and MySpace, but also Amazon.com, which permits author profiles and personal lists, and blogs like DailyKos, which allows users to sign up for personal diaries.

So Ol’ John Boy wants to regulate comments on blogs, eh? What are you really scared of, Straight Talkin’ Johnny? The Truth?

Since McCain has taken the initiative and drawn first blood, I have three words for you, Straight Talkin’ Johnny: “Bring it on!” Political Fallout has officially declared a “War on McCain.”

To get things started, it’s apt we return fire by using the comment option below to return fire and mock the enemy.

We’ll call this first stage of the campaign: “Keep on Mockin’ in the Free World.” Take arms and leave your comments. If you’re having trouble “getting’ your mock on,” use some of the following springboards to help jumpstart your mockery skills:

McCain’s chances of becoming Presdient are about as good as…

McCain, Falwell, and Kissinger walked into a bar and the bartender said…

What do you get when you cross McCain with (choose one) Henry Kissinger, Jerry Falwell, a 200-pound Guerilla?

There once was a man from Arizona…

How many lightbulbs does it take…