McCain to Possess and Exorcise Nussle’s Old Office

U.S. Senator John McCain’s exploratory committee used this Sabbath day to exorcise the demons of Jim Nussle’s former campaign headquarters in Urbandale. Despite the presence of moral and political demons left behind by Nussle during his failed bid for Iowa Governor, McCain plans to take his chances and open his state campaign headquarters on Monday.

On Friday, McCain’s staff received a certified letter from Jimmy the Hustler warning McCain of the potential dangers of taking possession of the office:


Dear Senator McCain,

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christina Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

McCain’s staff immediately dismissed the letter as nonsensical, but McCain woke up Saturday morning singing a different tune. He told staff members that he was visited by three spirits while sleeping: The Ghosts of Adultery Past, Present, and Future. The cadre of spirits cautioned McCain about setting up shop in the demonic abode, showing John three ill-fated glimpses into the political abyss. McCain said he wouldn’t leave anything to chance and purchased a "Do-it-Yourself Exorcism Kit" (see above) and called Jerry Falwell, inviting him to the Urbandale office to perform an exorcism on Sunday.

An ansy Sen. McCain listens to Jerry Falwell lecture him about the dangers of political demons and sleeping with hookers in seedy motels*.

*Speaking of seedy motels, it looks like John's jumping into bed with Jerry in an attempt to court the Christian Right. For McCain's sake, I only hope the bedsprings don't give.