McCain Highlights Expertise on RPGs & Bongs

McCain’s Straight Talkin’ Pandering bus pulled off the campaign trail today to give Sen. McCain a chance to stretch his legs and exercise his chops. Regarding the latter, he returned fire on his senate colleague, Sen. Barack Obama, who earlier defended his vote against the Pentagon Welfare* Blank Check bill.

*Pentagon Welfare is the government’s use of tax-payers money to subsidize the Military Industrial Complex.

Always the opportunist, McCain ceased the moment to showcase his expertise on RPGs and Bongs:

“Obama wouldn’t know the difference between an RPG and a bong.”

"Got bong? Oh, I got your bong, Obama. Cue it maestro: 'Bong, bong, bong...bong, bong Iran...'"

McCain’s statement implies that he’s knowledgeable about both, so let’s check out the translation and definition in our trusty “McCain-English Only Dictionary”:

Bong: also known as a water pipe, is a smoking device used to inhale dope. Often times dope is distorted by politicians and the media, but when inhaled through a bong, the water serves as a purifier and filters out most of the carcinogenic lies while leaving behind the straight dope.

A high school student group, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus," greets McCain's Straight Talkin' Pandering Bus as it navigates its way through town. The newly-formed 527 group is an advocacy group for keeping Jesus' words purified and out of the hands of politicians -- who pollute and manipulate the Savior's words with carcinogenic lies in order to get elected.

RPG (Roleplaying Game): is the type in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters and collaboratively create or follow stories. Participants determine their course of actions of their respective characters based on their characterization. Within the rules, players and/or the designated Master can improvise freely, changing the rules as they go as their choices shape the direction and outcome of the games. A role-playing game rarely has winners or losers.A typical role-playing game unifies its participants into a single team, known as a "party", that plays as a group. These episodic games are often played in weekly sessions over a period of months or even years.

RPG Example: The War in Iraq. Detainment Camp Master George Bush and his Merry Pranksters (alias: The Republicans) hop aboard the Straight Talkin’ Pandering Bus and embark on global adventures in their fight against Evil. Using fabricated intelligence, DCM Bush leads his band of hawks down an RPG strand with no exit strategy. Along the way, when the Detainment Camp Master is not changing the rules to the game, he’s tripping up the players with misinformation, prefabricated lies and half truths, and false intelligence. Because the “War on Terror” has no objective-base outcomes or endgame, the RPG is never ending, meaning there are never any winners or losers.

McCain’s right about one thing, if ever there was an expert on RPGs, it would definitely be him.

Sen. Harkin: Just Say “No” to Ogres

Move over Joe Camel, there’s a new scapegoat in town. In the name of “Corporate Responsibility,” grab your torches and join Senator Tom Harkin as he heads to Duloc to take down the poster boy of obesity: Shrek.

Shrek responds to Sen. Harkin's allegations by blowing smoke out of his ears

Once revered as a hero by Sen. Harkin for his tireless efforts against eminent domain and Lord Farquand’s attempt to usurp his swampland, Shrek’s fame has quickly fallen with his recent prostitution to the fat cats of the sugar industry. Big Sugar Daddy lobbyists aren’t going to back down to Sen. Harkin’s threats of stepping in and imposing government regulation of the Big Sugar Industry:

"If these industries continue on their present course, government has a responsibility to act," said Harkin. "We are not going to stand idly by in the face of a worsening epidemic of childhood obesity and diabetes."

Another one of Harkin’s 98% fat-free beefs with Shrek is his influence on children and omnipresent role-model powers. Kids are extremely impressionable and when they see a heroic, green ogre such as Shrek, they cannot help but want to be like Shrek:

"Kids love Shrek, so if Shrek says, 'Eat Cheetos,' then kids want to eat Cheetos," he said. "Why isn't Shrek advertising fresh fruits, vegetables, healthy choices?"

Better yet, why isn’t Dream Works adhering to the underlying principles of “truth in advertising” by having Shrek advertise the consumption of children, a more realistic ogre delicacy? Ironically, eating children, who, odds are they’re obese, would only serve to help prove Sen. Harkin’s point that children aren’t eating enough low-fat foods.

Due to the absence of wireless connections in Duloc, Shrek could not be reached for comment. However, Political Fallout did manage to contact Shrek’s spokesman and free-lance poster boy for the Democrat Party, Donkey. On behalf of his client, Donkey released the following statement:

Donkey: My client, the honorable Shrek, clearly has been scapegoated and discriminated by Senator Harkin and his recent crusade against the Big Sugar Industry. Not only is Mr. Harkin exploiting Shrek to perpetuate his own agenda, but in doing so, Sen. Harkin’s Ogrephobia reveals his prejudices – and not just those against Shrek, but those against all members of the global Ogre community. Shrek is not the one advertising products deemed “unhealthy” by Senator Harkin. Take Spiderman for example. He’s crept up on everything from sugar-coated cereals to 10% real fruit roll ups. But do you see anybody going after Spiderman with the same delusional zeal as Shrek? Shrek has clearly been singled out by Senator Harkin, which is not surprising, when considering the history of discrimination and methodic persecution against ogres and their ilk.

A spokesogre for the OCLU (Ogre Civil Liberties Union) agreed with Donkey’s charge of Ogrephobia, citing inconsistencies in the allegations lobbied against Shrek: “Nobody’s pointing fingers at Cap’n Crunch, a well-respected and high-ranking member of the military, for his promoting high-fat products.

Should Sen. Harkin and his Villagers succeed in their war against Shrek and Big Sugar, plans for battling other oxymoronic causes such as “Political Ethics” are already stewing in the back woods of D.C.