Friday, April 6, 2007

Giuliani’s Post-4/3 Fallout: “The Iowa Caucuses Will Never Be the Same”

"He-Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Spelled" warms up Des Moines audience with vintage Marlon Brando Godfather impersonation.

Lord Rudy, or “He-Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Spelled,” planted his flag in Iowa soil on April 3rd, forever burning 4/3 in Iowa voter’s collective memory -- especially social conservatives, who stood by stricken with paralysis and mouths agape as the words “The Iowa Caucuses will never be the same” filled the air.

With Lord Rudy’s top consultant, Jimmy the Hustler, at his side, “He-Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Spelled” attempted to sway social conservatives and environmentalists by co-opting world-renown vegetarian Popeye the Sailor’s catch phrase: "I am who I am and people have to evaluate the whole, the whole record.”

To help ease some of the social conservatives’ misgivings, the Dynamic Adulterous Duo broke into a song and dance routine of “The Bugs Bunny Show” overture:

(Note: this is a dramatization. These are animated actors merely portraying the Dynamic Adulterous Duo. In no way is this image intended to depict Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny as adulterers.)

Overture, curtain, lights,

This is it, the night of nights
No more rehearsing and nursing our parts
We know every part by heart Overture, curtain, lights
This is it, we'll hit the heights
And oh what heights we'll hit
On with the show this is it
Tonight what heights we'll hit
On with the show this is it.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Doc Fallout’s Spin Machine: Hillary, Inc., Adultery, & Condom Sense

Doc Fallout's Spin Machine

Political Fallout is pleased to announce the recent hiring of its own resident spin doctor, Doc Fallout, who’s been saddled with the responsibility of spinning the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the political news.

1. Hillary, Inc.: “Forget the Money”

The numbers for the first ’08 presidential filing report are in, and it appears that Hillary, Inc.’s top-down DLC campaign strategy of putting the squeeze on its competitors, forcing them to either merge or throw in the towel, may be on shaky ground. Granted, Hillary, Inc. was able to squeeze fellow DLC competitor Vilsack out of the race, but she did promise to help absorb Vilsack’s $400,000+ campaign debt. A larger concern, one that has sent a ripple of unease trickling down Hillary, Inc.’s top-down organization, is the Obama Factor. Obama’s fundraising campaign has literally erased the gap this quarter (not including the $10 million she duped from New Yorkers for her senatorial race). Hillary, Inc.’s shareholders are feeling a wee bit uneasy, thus prompting the Corporation’s Campaign Chair, Terry McAuliffe, to respond that money doesn’t matter.

Terry McAuliffe: "Ultimately, forget the money. You've got to get votes.”

Doc’s Spin: It’s all about the money. Just ask Hillary’s Inc.’s new national co-chairman, Tom Vilsack.
2. Hollycorn: “Clang! Bring Out Your Adulterers!”

Iowa Lawmakers are debating whether or not Iowans should offer tax break incentives for filmmakers who make their movies in Iowa. As written, the bill has one major sticking point that targets pornographers, although the vague wording “any obscene material” has prompted lawmakers to question what’s obscene and who decides what’s obscene.

Rep. Doug Struyk (Council Bluffs Republican): Brought up "The Bridges of Madison County." He noted that, while the book and movie brought fame to the state, perhaps it wouldn't have qualified for the tax break since its main character - Francesca - had an extramarital affair. Does the movie say that "Iowa is the state of adulterers, or that maybe it's the adulterers of Madison County?"

Doc’s Spin: Who needs fictionalized adulterers when we have real-life adulterers running for public office in Iowa. I've already begun writing a new film treatment with the working title: "The Fifth Corner Affair." The film is based on the sexual exploits of Jim Nussle and Rudy Giuliani as they go on a quest for extramarital affairs in Iowa's famed Fifth Corner of the state. Preliminary casting is already in the works. Buzz Lightyear has already agreed to play Nussle and details are being worked out with Robert Duvall, who will play Giuliani.

3. Iowa Lawmaker Opposes Condom Sense

A bill approved by the Iowa House last week would require the teaching of research-based sex education in public schools.

Rep. Betty De Boef (What Cheer Republican): didn't like the idea. De Boef said that some groups teach inappropriate topics, like instructing students how to put on condoms. "This bill has a hidden agenda," she said. And furthermore, we wonder, who would they get to grade the final?

Doc’s Spin: De Boef is right about the bill having a “hidden agenda,” but that’s the whole point. And as far as who would evaluate students, I recommend John Cleese from “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.” This should help get the ball rolling.

Doc Fallout is Political Fallout’s resident Spin Doctor and has been spinning the truth before spinning the truth was in vogue.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Iowa House Amends Unconstitutional Flag Law, Making It Less Unconstitutional

Are you ready to rummmmmmmmmmble…!? It looks like a Battle Royal between the Iowa House and the Iowa Courts is shaping up, pitting activist judges who legislate from the bench against activist legislators who judge from their desks. What we have here is an epic battle of tit-for-tat. In one corner we have the judicial branch, which is trying to protect the sacredness of the constitution from those who wish to desecrate it with unconstitutional amendments. In the other corner we have the legislative branch, which is trying to protect the sacredness of the American Flag from those who wish to desecrate it. Believe me you, flag desecration is happening all over the place in Iowa, especially in the GOP rank and file. Not to mention, not a day goes by when I don't drive by either a public flag burning or an upside down flag visible from the roadside.

Upon analyzing the tale-of-the-tape, the Iowa House has the advantage when it comes to fan support and merchandising. Because the Iowa Constitution is a little more abstract, people have a harder time getting riled up and frothing at the the mouth over the desecration of a piece of paper, whereas a defiling of the American Flag is more visible. The Iowa Courts need to take a more proactive approach and rethink their merchandising strategy. They could start by selling large banners adorned with a copy of the Iowa Constitution (right), thus providing potential constitution burners something visible to torch in a public square as part of a counterprotest. Once these defamatory acts begin lighting up the media spotlight, the merchandising possibilities are infinite. Imagine bits and pieces of the Iowa Constitution visibly displayed on computer screen savers, beer coasters, campaign buttons, bumper stickers, bathing suits, and underwear. (Although I’m not sure how much of the Iowa Constitution will actually fit on a thong, I guess there’s only one way to find out, eh?)

The Iowa House may have the advantage when it comes to political jabbing, but the Iowa Courts packs a mean knock-out-punch. The Iowa House can knowingly pass a bill that doesn’t merit constitutional muster, while the Iowa Courts wait for somebody to violate the new law, then proceed to challenge the law's enforcement, pushing it through the court system until it finally gets knocked out in Iowa's Supreme Court:

"I'm not going to kid you, this thing is going to go right back into court after we fix it, and it's going to be challenged again, and we may be back here again and again and again," said Rep. Jeff Kaufmann, a Republican from Wilton.

Question: So then why would legislators continue to waste time and taxpayers’ money making unconstitutional laws?

Answer: To bankrupt the ACLU, that’s why.

Ding! Ding! Let the fight begin again and again and again and again…

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

White Elephant Alford Trying to Unload White Elephant

While conducting a housing search in the Iowa City area, I inadvertently set the minimum price at $1.5 million. Given my current blogger salary at “Political Fallout,” this didn’t seem too unrealistic, although I was trying to find something under a cool million. My search yielded two results, one a humble abode for a mere $1.9 million, while the other was listed at a less modest $1.65 million. I looked into the latter property and discovered it belonged to the University of Iowa’s former basketball coach, Steve Alford. The property had been assessed at $1.3 million -- approximately the same amount Alford banked last year (after factoring in all his bonus perks) while leading the Hawkeyes to…?

It looks like the 2006 White Elephant Final Four finisher has his own White Elephant to unload. Oh, the irony of it all. Who knows, maybe there’s a market in Iowa City for somebody looking for a palatial 9,396-square-foot house, which boasts 6 bedrooms, 28 total rooms, an in-ground pool, and a half-court gym. Alford had me until half-court. Given the Hawkeyes’ full-court troubles under Alford’s reign, I won’t settle for anything less than a full-court gym in my house.

Alford’s realtor, Lepic-Kroeger Realtors, may want to consider thinking “outside the paint” when unloading this White Elephant outside shot. Assuming they’re positioned to make the $350,000 differential, LKR has some wiggle room in their marketing strategy. I suggest having the property rezoned and pitching it to Core Fitness or the U. of I. athletics, marketing the house as an auxiliary fitness center. Or they can extend the half- to full-court, and maybe then I’ll seriously consider putting in a bid. Although, how the realtors plan on exorcising the Hawks’ Nest Demons is well beyond my scope of expertise. I suggest not telling anyone and keeping the gym closed off during open houses, thus silencing the Demons, momentarily anyhow.

Monday, April 2, 2007

King Chet’s Quest for $60,000 Topiaries

Having grown accustomed to the manicured lawns and well-kept shrubberies of the proverbial West Des Moines, King Chet has submitted a $60,000 budget request to his Congressional Court (a mere trifle of HSB-261) for two full-time groundskeepers for the Terrace Hill estate. Sheared in two, the two full-time employees will make $30,000 a year – roughly $3,000 more than the average starting pay for Iowa teachers. The grounds of Terrace Hill had been kept by members of the work-release program, whose skills in the field of Topiary Science had left little to be desired by King Chet.

With spring on the horizon, King Chet has already begun the vetting process for the new positions, taking it upon himself to conduct the interviews. When it comes to the topiary sciences and shrubberies, nothing can be left to chance.

Interview with First Pool of Applicants: The Knights of Nee

King Chet Culver (left) conducts interview of Knights of Nee on grounds of Terrace Hill.

(Terrace Hill grounds. Enter the Knights of Nee.)

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!

KING CHET: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!

KING CHET: Say what?

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.

KING CHET: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

KING CHET: A what?


KING CHET: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery and we, the Knights of Nee, will make a jackass of your shrubbery.

KING CHET: O Knights of Nee, why a jackass?

HEAD KNIGHT: To show you our topiary expertise, Jackass. That’s why.

KING CHET: You are just and fair, I will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

KING CHET: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

KING CHET: Yes. Money is no concern.

HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!


Next Scheduled Interview: Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands showcases his topiary tools on an interview tape forwarded to King Chet's office.

Mr. Scissorhands shears topiary likeness of the Culver family during preliminary interview vetting process.

Sunday, April 1, 2007