King Chet’s Quest for $60,000 Topiaries

Having grown accustomed to the manicured lawns and well-kept shrubberies of the proverbial West Des Moines, King Chet has submitted a $60,000 budget request to his Congressional Court (a mere trifle of HSB-261) for two full-time groundskeepers for the Terrace Hill estate. Sheared in two, the two full-time employees will make $30,000 a year – roughly $3,000 more than the average starting pay for Iowa teachers. The grounds of Terrace Hill had been kept by members of the work-release program, whose skills in the field of Topiary Science had left little to be desired by King Chet.

With spring on the horizon, King Chet has already begun the vetting process for the new positions, taking it upon himself to conduct the interviews. When it comes to the topiary sciences and shrubberies, nothing can be left to chance.

Interview with First Pool of Applicants: The Knights of Nee

King Chet Culver (left) conducts interview of Knights of Nee on grounds of Terrace Hill.

(Terrace Hill grounds. Enter the Knights of Nee.)

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!

KING CHET: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!

KING CHET: Say what?

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.

KING CHET: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

KING CHET: A what?

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!

KING CHET: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery and we, the Knights of Nee, will make a jackass of your shrubbery.

KING CHET: O Knights of Nee, why a jackass?

HEAD KNIGHT: To show you our topiary expertise, Jackass. That’s why.

KING CHET: You are just and fair, I will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

KING CHET: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

KING CHET: Yes. Money is no concern.

HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!

____________________________

Next Scheduled Interview: Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands showcases his topiary tools on an interview tape forwarded to King Chet's office.

Mr. Scissorhands shears topiary likeness of the Culver family during preliminary interview vetting process.