Friday, December 22, 2006

“Yuletide Homophobia”: The Adventures of Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man)

Faster than a breeding polygamous Mormon Fundamentalist, more powerful than the Christian Right, and able to leap Latter Day Saints’ Churches without snagging his temple garments: It’s a dove, it’s a hawk, it’s Super Subliminal Mormon Man!

Vol. 1: “Yuletide Hompophobia”

On Wednesday night, Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney’s Commonwealth (oxymoron) PAC (Political Action for Christ and/or Cash) hosted a Christmas party (get drunk in the name of Jesus, commit regrettable acts underneath the mistletoe while simultaneously making mental note to ask Jesus for forgiveness the next day) in West Des Moines (not to be confused with its sinister neighbor, Des Moines), where the GOP faithful (no $ denominations excluded) gathered to celebrate the birth of Jesus (when everybody but Jesus gets to open presents), energize his potential base (fellow same-sex marriage bashers), and take a united stand against Homosexuals (people who, technically, cannot help propagate the Mormon movement with more foot soldiers).

During the festivities, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney affirmed his opposition to gay marriage. "I feel very strongly (more than my affection for Joseph Smith Jr. and Jesus combined) that we (the insecure) should preserve traditional marriage (one man and as many women as he wants for Fundamentalist Mormons) and at the same time preserve our heritage of respect for people who make different choices in their life (excommunicate them from the Mormon Church immediately!)," said Romney, governor of the only state to have legalized gay marriage. "I know there are some people (those who don’t ascribe to the untenable logic of the Latter day Saints) who would say, 'Your position is inconsistent,' but I don't believe it is (not documented in Joseph Smith Jr.'s teachings)."

Romney opposes same-sex marriage and extending to gay couples most of the legal rights afforded to heterosexual couples. He said Wednesday he was open to allowing gay couples hospital visitation rights (if they wear rubber gloves), for instance, but declined to list other rights he would extend (freedom of religious worship if renounces homosexuality and joins the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints).

Last week, a gay community newspaper in Boston reprinted a letter Romney wrote (cannot be held responsible, for under the influence of human compassion at the time) to a gay GOP group in 1994 in which the then-candidate for U.S. Senate pledged to support the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act.

"As a result of our discussions (in gay Mormon chat room) and other interactions (while wearing additional layer of protective temple garments) with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever (including Mormon doctrine itself) that as we (the chosen heterosexuals of Jesus Christ) seek to establish full equality (let’s not go overboard here) for America's gay and lesbian citizens (When did they become citizens?), I will provide more effective leadership (behind closet doors) than my opponent (Satan’s Little Helper)," he wrote in the closing weeks of his unsuccessful bid to unseat Sen. Edward Kennedy.

Romney told reporters last week that he no longer supports the federal nondiscrimination act, saying it would invite a flood of lawsuits (build Ark and save Mormon followers from deluge of litigation), according to press reports. He has also said that his support for equal rights for gays and his opposition to legal status for gay couples are consistent (blind faith here).

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Straight Talkin’ McCain Declares “War on Bloggers”

It appears Senator John McCain did not heed Jimmy the Hustler’s advice when his political posse commandeered Jim Nussle’s dispossessed campaign headquarters in Urbandale:

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christian Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

Since then, McCain has been leading with the right and has decided to leave NOTHING to chance in his bid to be the next President of the United States:

First he attempted to court the Christian Right by jumping into bed with Jerry Falwell and hired one of his former staffers to complete the Christian Right threesome.

Then he hired a smear-campaign specialist, Terry Nelson, to be his national campaign manager. This is the man behind the phone-jamming case in New Hampshire and the more notable “Harold, call me!” ad campaign, which smeared Harold Ford in his senatorial bid in Tennessee.

If this wasn’t enough, McCain has lovingly embraced Henry Kissinger, naming him Honorary Co-Chair for his presidential campaign in New York:

John and Henry were sitting in a tree:
First comes Iraq, then comes escalation,
Then comes Civil War and economic devastation.

When McCain was recently asked about his relationship with Kissinger, he said, “I’m not at all embarrassed about it; I’m proud of it.” (Aside: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

A surprised Henry Kissinger and John McCain were caught discussing "Straight Talk" behind closed doors.

And now America’s favorite P.O.W. has set his vengeful sites on a target so insidious, the mere mention of its name could prove detrimental to the fate of “Political Fallout.” An unbridled foe that has been linked to the breakdown of moral fiber in America, the increase of child pornography and sexual predators, high gas prices, Katrina, the War in Iraq, global terrorism, the viability of free speech, Britney Spears’s second divorce, politicians who exploit children to enact politicized legislation, global warming, and worst of all, the Democrat’s takeover of both the House and the Senate.

No folks, I’m not talking about rampant ignorance, I’m talking about something exponentially more evil, quite possibly the fourth “Axis of Evil;” I’m talking about (gasp): Bloggers.

McCain’s drafted proposal, called the “Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children Act,” aims to cut down the perpetuation of child pornography on the Internet. Albeit a worthy initiative, but McCain is ironically exploiting the exploitation of exploited children to underhandedly declare a “War on Bloggers” by limiting and/or eliminating open discussions on blogs.

Here are some of the highlights of the legislation found on “Think Progress”:

- Commercial websites and personal blogs “would be required to report illegal images or videos posted by their users or pay fines of up to $300,000.”

- Internet service providers (ISPs) are already required to issue such reports, but under McCain’s legislation, bloggers with comment sections may face “even stiffer penalties” than ISPs.

- Social networking sites will be forced to take “effective measures” — such as deleting user profiles — to remove any website that is “associated” with a sex offender. Sites may include not only Facebook and MySpace, but also, which permits author profiles and personal lists, and blogs like DailyKos, which allows users to sign up for personal diaries.

So Ol’ John Boy wants to regulate comments on blogs, eh? What are you really scared of, Straight Talkin’ Johnny? The Truth?

Since McCain has taken the initiative and drawn first blood, I have three words for you, Straight Talkin’ Johnny: “Bring it on!” Political Fallout has officially declared a “War on McCain.”

To get things started, it’s apt we return fire by using the comment option below to return fire and mock the enemy.

We’ll call this first stage of the campaign: “Keep on Mockin’ in the Free World.” Take arms and leave your comments. If you’re having trouble “getting’ your mock on,” use some of the following springboards to help jumpstart your mockery skills:

McCain’s chances of becoming Presdient are about as good as…

McCain, Falwell, and Kissinger walked into a bar and the bartender said…

What do you get when you cross McCain with (choose one) Henry Kissinger, Jerry Falwell, a 200-pound Guerilla?

There once was a man from Arizona…

How many lightbulbs does it take…

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Newt Gingrich Threatens He’ll Run for President If…

...the GOP frontrunners don’t get their heads out of their asses.

On Sunday, Newt Gingrich indicated he’ll give the leading Republican presidential candidates (McCain, Giuliani, Romney) a head start to see if they can lock up the Republican nomination by next fall. If neither one of these candidates can clearly pull his head out of his ass, Gingrich will be left with no other choice but to step in with his Hubris and usurp the nomination. "If none of the three, having from now 'til Labor Day, can seal it off, the first real vote is in 2008. And there's plenty of time in the age of television and e-mail, between Labor Day and 2008."

In the meantime, Newt has agreed to put his Hubris aside and has pledged to support his Republican brethren. Gingrich's staff said Newt's Hubris will be stored in an undisclosed hangar. (see below)

Former home of Donald Rumsfeld's Hubris and future home of Newt Gingrich's Hubris.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Bayh’s "Run to the Middle” Ends Before Passing “Go”

The Democratic Leadership Corporation’s very own poster boy for “centrism,” Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana, announced he would no longer pursue his long-shot presidential candidacy in 2008. “The odds were always going to be very long for a relatively unknown candidate like myself, a little bit like David* and Goliath,**” Bayh said in a statement, further postulating, “whether there were too many Goliaths or whether I’m just not the right David.*** At the end of the day, I concluded that due to circumstances beyond our control**** the odds were longer than I felt I could possibly pursue.”
* David = Tom Vilsack, Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Wes Clark

** Goliath = Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Barak Obama

*** The Right David = the Media

**** Circumstances beyond our control = Barak Obama: Bayh’s appearance in New Hampshire last weekend drew little notice, while Obama gave two speeches to sold-out crowds of people and reporters. Overshadowed by Obama’s current rock-star status, Bayh was relegated to touring the county fair circuit.

In related news:

William "the Refrigerator" Perry has already signed on to play Barak Obama in the film, "David vs. Goliath: The Democratic Primaries." The film is set to be released in early January of 2008.