Vol. 1: “Yuletide Hompophobia”
On Wednesday night, Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney’s Commonwealth (oxymoron) PAC (Political Action for Christ and/or Cash) hosted a Christmas party (get drunk in the name of Jesus, commit regrettable acts underneath the mistletoe while simultaneously making mental note to ask Jesus for forgiveness the next day) in West Des Moines (not to be confused with its sinister neighbor, Des Moines), where the GOP faithful (no $ denominations excluded) gathered to celebrate the birth of Jesus (when everybody but Jesus gets to open presents), energize his potential base (fellow same-sex marriage bashers), and take a united stand against Homosexuals (people who, technically, cannot help propagate the Mormon movement with more foot soldiers).
During the festivities, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney affirmed his opposition to gay marriage. "I feel very strongly (more than my affection for Joseph Smith Jr. and Jesus combined) that we (the insecure) should preserve traditional marriage (one man and as many women as he wants for Fundamentalist Mormons) and at the same time preserve our heritage of respect for people who make different choices in their life (excommunicate them from the Mormon Church immediately!)," said Romney, governor of the only state to have legalized gay marriage. "I know there are some people (those who don’t ascribe to the untenable logic of the Latter day Saints) who would say, 'Your position is inconsistent,' but I don't believe it is (not documented in Joseph Smith Jr.'s teachings)."
Romney opposes same-sex marriage and extending to gay couples most of the legal rights afforded to heterosexual couples. He said Wednesday he was open to allowing gay couples hospital visitation rights (if they wear rubber gloves), for instance, but declined to list other rights he would extend (freedom of religious worship if renounces homosexuality and joins the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints).
Last week, a gay community newspaper in Boston reprinted a letter Romney wrote (cannot be held responsible, for under the influence of human compassion at the time) to a gay GOP group in 1994 in which the then-candidate for U.S. Senate pledged to support the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act.
"As a result of our discussions (in gay Mormon chat room) and other interactions (while wearing additional layer of protective temple garments) with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever (including Mormon doctrine itself) that as we (the chosen heterosexuals of Jesus Christ) seek to establish full equality (let’s not go overboard here) for America's gay and lesbian citizens (When did they become citizens?), I will provide more effective leadership (behind closet doors) than my opponent (Satan’s Little Helper)," he wrote in the closing weeks of his unsuccessful bid to unseat Sen. Edward Kennedy.
Romney told reporters last week that he no longer supports the federal nondiscrimination act, saying it would invite a flood of lawsuits (build Ark and save Mormon followers from deluge of litigation), according to press reports. He has also said that his support for equal rights for gays and his opposition to legal status for gay couples are consistent (blind faith here).