Monday, November 23, 2009

Sarah Palin 2012: Let the Rapture Begin (SNL video included)

Like big fat bullies, Rush Limbaugh (dare I repeat myself?) and genital warts, some irritants never seem to go away regardless of how hard you try to ignore them or how much you douse them in vats of white vinegar. I’ve tried employing the former techniques when it comes to Sarah Palin, hoping she would disappear from the political landscape, forever, but to no avail.

Although this may hold true for Alaskans, the rest of the country has been under siege with the release of her new book “Going Rogue: An American Life,” which by the way, happens to coincide with the release of teaser pictures of her grandchild’s biological father Levi Johnston’s debut in “Playgirl” magazine (both events categorized as official precursors to Armageddon by the Doomsday Society for a Better America). Now it’s only a matter of time before Big Johnston jokes start popping up all over the Internet, but fortunately Political Fallout has risen above these types of sophomoric dick jokes, so we’ll pass on any cheap digs here.

Ironically, as some members (no pun intended) of the teabaggin’ element on the right are licking their parched lips with the prospect of Palin making another run for American’s highest throne (not including the one soon to-be-vacated by Oprah ), their counterparts on the left are licking their chops with equal delight at this prospect as well, thinking a Palin run will guarantee four more years of President Obama.

But what if Palin wins in 2012?

Should that be the case, let the Rapture begin, since that’s when my 5,125-year-long Mayan Long Count desk calendar runs out of pages anyway, which can only mean one of two things: the end of the world or the deluxe edition of the Mayan Long Count desk calendar hitting stores everywhere just in time for the holidays – assuming the War on Christmas hasn’t already wiped these dates from our secular calendars.

In the meantime, “Saturday Night Live” has used its prophetic powers this weekend to give us an apocalyptic glimpse into the future:

Sarah Palin 2012: The Trailer

On that note, I leave you with the following piece of advice, free of charge: be careful what you wish for.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Will Ferrell's Protect Insurance Companies PSA

The folks over at Funny or Die (which by the way is not a slogan for biparisan health care advocates) unveiled an exclusive Public Service Announcement lampooning Big Hellth Insurance, which, for whatever reason, keeps sliding under the public ire radar.

(Sarcasm Alert: subjecting yourself to the following video may overload your sarcasm threshold, thus prompting immediate care from a nearby by ER -- assuming your health insurer covers SOS (Sarcasm Overload Syndrome).

Something Terrible is Happening! (Will Ferrell & Friends)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

F*** Obama’s Health Care Reform

My favorite 4-letter F-word is, you guessed it: FREE.

Despite the cautionary advice that “nothing is free” or “you can’t get something for nothing,” I’m a sucker for free stuff. What can I say, I’m a public school teacher, and I know better than to jump into the middle of a rabid teacher scrum when post-it pads are at stake.

If anyone has mastered giving away free stuff with an invisible price tag attached, it’s Obama, Inc. Obama the Campaigner mastered giveaway marketing during his presidential bid and has lobbed these practices into his presidential money-raising strategy. During the campaign, my addiction to free-stuff helped me procure an “Obama ‘08” bumper sticker and button, neither of which I contributed any money -- despite the accompanying solicitations for donations.

Regarding the latter, I will admit that I was thoroughly disappointed when my button showed up and it was the size of a quarter and could only be seen with satellite vision. I realize size isn’t supposed to matter, but I was too embarrassed to sport my new microscopic button in public, as if the button itself symbolized my free-stuff addiction. Either that or I had an affliction of button envy and was not about to compensate for my inadequacies by sporting a flag pin on the lapel of my collared t-shirt.

More recently, Obama, Inc. was giving away free bumper stickers to help push its health care reform through the dysfunctional aisles of Congress. All I had to do was sign a petition pledging my support for President Obama’s three principles for real heath care reform.

Actual Size?

Unfortunately, I will have to wait 4-6 weeks until my free bumper sticker arrives. By then, the duct tape keeping my bumper attached to my car could become unglued, much like Obama’s health care objectives once it gets tied down with red tape and green lobby money in Congress. Although 6 weeks in Congress is a mere blink-of-the-eye in the big picture of getting things accomplished. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t like the way things are going in Congress, just wait a couple of years and you still won’t like the way things are going in Congress.”

In the meantime, I’ve decided to come up with my own bumper sticker ideas, one of which I may order from an online bumper-sticker company:

1. My Other Car is a Health Insurance Payment

2. All I Wanted Was Real Health Care Reform, and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker

3. Cancer Happens!

4. W.W.J.I.? (Who Would Jesus Insure?)

5. Coming to a Hospital Near You: Attack of the Right Wingnuts Socialized Health Scare

6. Underinsured Baby on Board

7. So it goes...!

8. FREE Obama's Real Health Care Reform!!!

Originally posted on sister site: Say Something Funny

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

While trying to follow the GOP's line of argument against including a public option in health care reform, I found myself sniffing the rear end of Wile E. Coyote in an underground tunnel just outside of Alburquerque. Go figure.

Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Open Letter to Sen. Grassley: Real Health Care Reform

Dear Senator Grassley:

My monthly health insurance premiums are killing me, literally.

I wish I was speaking hyperbolically. And no, I’m not a hypochondriac: Who could afford to these days with skyrocketing health care and insurance costs, especially in the midst of an economic crisis?

One of my biggest fears, other than Congress sabotaging a golden opportunity to reform health care (If only we could sue our elected officials for Political Malpractice, eh?), is my mailbox. You heard me right Sen. Grassley: my mailbox. But before you file me away under “Crazy Constituents” and cast aside this letter, I implore you to hear me out.

It’s not that I’m afraid of mailboxes per se, rather it’s what’s lurking in them that scares the living bejesus out of me: bills. I am especially afraid of reconnaissance bills which attempt to lessen the inevitable financial and subsequent psychological blows, claiming they are not bills with “THIS IS NOT A BILL” emboldened in the letterhead. Not yet, anyhow.

In March I received one of these non-Bills in my mailbox from my health insurance provider, Wellmark BlueCross Blueshield of Iowa informing me they want to raise my monthly premium 17.3 percent from $529 to $641, which covers me and my three sons (ages 1, 4 and 7). Given the effective change date was to be April 1st, I initially thought Wellmark was playing an April Fool’s Day joke on me. After all, what reputable, legal business can jack their price up 17 percent and still stay in business during an economic crisis? Reputability aside, Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the only industries that can pull this off, while Our employers, The Big Three Branches of Government, haggle over policy proposals while We sit by and watch our savings accounts bleed to death, one painful payment at a time -- hoping to elude Bankruptcy’s knock at the front door.

Speaking of which, according to a recent Harvard Medical study that will be published in the August issue of “The American Journal of Medicine” indicates that Bankruptcy will come knocking on an estimated 1.5 million American doors this year and 60 percent of these will result from an inability to keep pace with incoming medical expenses.

But who am I to tell you, Sen. Grassley, about bankruptcy. After all, as Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, you helped usher in the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act (BAPCPA), which makes it more difficult for individuals to file for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Shame on the uninsured and under-insured consumers for taking advantage of our country’s vulnerable and financially unstable health care business, eh?

Like you, Sen. Grassley, I’ve served the public my entire adult life, working at all levels of the government. I served two years active duty in Germany with the Army, followed by working seven years with the City of Iowa City as a swimming pool manager during college, and I have been working the past twelve years teaching high school English in Iowa City. Moreover, I’ve been coaching junior high swimming to help fill the financial gap and pay my monthly insurance premiums.

Unlike you, however, my employer’s health care benefit is no longer an option. Although the school district pays for an individual premium ($485/month), I would have to kick in an additional $750/month for a family plan (that’s $1235/month, which is more than our mortgage payment and property taxes, so I’ve had to purchase my own policy).

Unlike you, I have been struggling to pay my monthly health insurance premiums for the past seven years, and I’m on the verge of dropping into the health care casualty pool of the uninsured, thus driving up the costs of the insured – unless drastic reforms are implemented soon.

Now, since you are technically one of my employees, I thought I would tell you what needs to be done to help draft and pass real health care reform that is more cost efficient, affordable, and accessible. Ideally, a single-payer system, where all working Americans buy into the system makes the most sense, especially since it removes for-profit incentives from the equation which is immoral in the first place. I realize National Health Care scares some folks, who feel threatened and turn to their Socialism crutches as an only retort and feel the need to resort to fear mongering.

Like my mailbox phobia, these fears seem irrational, since we already implemented a similar system: Medicare. My 73-year-old mother, a lifelong Republican who worked as a billing receptionist for a neurosurgeon, always complained about how difficult it was to get payments from the private industry compared to Medicare. She also contends that the biggest causes of the problems facing this industry are when health insurance became attached to employment and when Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma hopped into bed together.

To help legitimize and rationalize their fears, I’m sure opponents of a public option are out researching industrialized countries with a national health care program, scouring for health care horror stories. If that’s the case, I suggest they start digging in our own back yard and talk to the survivors of the estimated 22,000 Americans who died last year because they didn’t have adequate health care coverage.

But I also realize you’re under a lot of pressure from lobbyists representing Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma, who fear they will be driven out of business if the government sets up shop, so I’m willing to make a compromise and let you push through a public option. That way, those who are afraid of the S-word taking over their lives can stick with their current policy. Personally, I’m more afraid of whether or not I will be able to pay my premium next month and what will happen to my any one of my sons, should we lose coverage in the near future, than being called a Socialist.

If anything I have conveyed to you in this letter does not make any sense, maybe I can simplify and condense my message into Twitter format, something you are more familiar with, Sen. Grassley:

"Sen Grassley u got nerve sayin u bipartisan u only partisan to BiG Hellth INsurnce and PharMA. Put da profit hammer down start actin morally"

T.M. Lindsey
Iowa City, IA

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Anti-Gay Marriage Wingnuts Thank Colbert for Mocking Them

When your livelihood is teetering between living on the fringe and living in obscurity, I guess there is no such thing as negative publicity. This may explain why the National Organization for Marriage sent a letter thanking Stephen Colbert for parodying their new ad, “The Gathering Storm”:

"I've always thought Stephen Colbert was a double-agent, pretending to pretend to be a conservative, to pull one over Hollywood. Now I'm sure," said Maggie Gallagher, President of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM).

"Thank you Stephen for playing our ad in full on national television--for free. HRC eat your heart out. Plus we all had a great chuckle, too!" said Brian Brown, NOM's Executive Director. "Where can I make a donation to the National Organization for Colbert?"

As if Colbert really needed any help, given the ad is a parody of itself. If I had originally seen this ad run during “Saturday Night Live,” I, based on the hyperbole, certainly would have thought it was a parody.

The Colbert Coalition’s Anti-Gay Marriage Ad (April 16, 2009)

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical HumorNASA Name Contest

And now that I, a lowly blogger on the front-lines of the culture war in Iowa, have brought even more attention to the NOM’s Gay-Marriage Crusade, I imagine it’s merely a matter of minutes before this post pops up on their Google alerts and the staff sends me a thank-you letter.

Unlike Colbert, however, this type of attention may actually boost my career.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Best Parody of Anti-Gay Marriage NOM’s “Gathering Storm” Ad

It was only a matter of time before somebody created a parody of the National Organization for Marriage hyperbolic ad “Gathering Storm”:

The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale -- a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Read rest of post and view pics/captions/ at sister site Say Something Funny

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Iowa’s Culture War: And the God-Fearing Homophobes Will Rise Again?

Upon the heels of Easter weekend and the celebration of the resurrection of God’s only child, Jesus Christ, the Religious Right (alias GOP) grabbed their pitchforks and stormed the Iowa State Capitol Monday demanding that the Democratic majority put forward a bill that would change the Iowa Constitution by redefining marriage “between a man and a woman.”

This begs the question: W.W.J.D.?

Despite His pledge to help the down trodden, me thinks Jesus, unlike the GOP*, would run away from the oxymoronic Religious Right.

*You know it’s hard out there for the minority.

Moreover, recent GOP actions beg the question:

Which one of the following poses the least threat to Iowans?:

A) GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Putz vowing, if elected, will use his executive powers to help erode the Iowa Constitution and take over the judicial branch (sinister, Howdy Doody laugh here)

B) God-fearing Christians sending threatening, vindictive, “Your-gonna-burn-in-hell” e-mails to state Dem legislators

C) A man of the cloth espousing the fear-mongering notion that gay marriage is worse than floods, because it “erodes the soul” and “destroys generations”

D) Anonymous caller who makes death threats towards openly gay Sen. Matt McCoy, D-Des Moines

E) Two same-sex people who love each other and want to make a lifetime commitment to one another

Traditionally, this would be a no-brainer, but we all know the potential harm of blindly sticking to tradition, eh? So I will spell the answer out for you: E.

Now it’s bad enough we have our own homegrown, cornfed zealots to worry about without the Christian Right rounding up the Usual Suspects and shipping them off to Iowa to spew their vitriolic venomous messages of hate. Although Rev. Fred Phelps and his rabid, inbred clan of Homo-Haters have yet to load up their wagons, literally, and head to Iowa, the National Organization for Marriage launched a pre-emptive propaganda attack with a $1.5 million ad campaign intended to promote fear through scripted testimonials of how gay marriage destroyed these peoples’ fragile lives:

National Organization for Marriage’s “Gathering Storm” (This is a Dramatization*)

*On her show the other night, Rachel Maddow took on the ad’s legitimacy by showing bootleg audition tapes somehow procured by the Human Rights Campaign. The video shows straight people auditioning to play straight people whose “straightness” has been threatened by gay marriage.

The Rachel Maddow Show (clips begins at 2:07 minute mark)

Visit for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

As of today this video was pulled from YouTube, because the NOM folks said it was a copyright infringement.

So let me get this straight, using a syllogism if you will:

The National Organization for Marriage fears Rachel Maddow.
The National Organization for Marriage is God-fearing.
Rachel Maddow is God.

I knew it! I knew all along that God is a lesbian woman.

Thank Rachel for that!

But the laugh last is still on NOM, who really didn’t think through their anti-gay marriage campaign beyond the fear-mongering and bigotry components. NOM dubbed its campaign “2 Million for Marriage.” Or the acronym: 2M4M (translation for the Acronym Challenged: Two Men for Men). Where do they get off promoting such behavior?

To add insult to ignorance, some civil rights group, “Two Men for Marriage,” bought up their domain, “

What can I say when this satire literally writes itself. I’m looking forward to more satiric servings from NOM, so BRING IT ON!!! (My team of hot-shot lawyers is waiting with open arms...)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Gay Marriage Hits Iowa, Homophobes Vow Revenge

(Disclaimer: a satiric moratorium has been placed on the front end of this post. Anything that smacks of satire is intended to be non-hyperbolic truth and should be read as such.)

In a long overdue historic move, the Iowa Supreme Court issued a unanimous ruling that overturned a 10-year-old ban on same-sex marriage, noting the latter violated the Constitution’s basic fairness and equal protection clause.
Finally, gay couples and all Iowans (not including the homophobes whose marriages are already teetering on disaster and cannot handle any threats, perceived or otherwise, to their personal commitment) have reason to rejoice.

Gay marriage supporters gather at University of Iowa Pentacrest for rally celebrating Iowa Supreme Court ruling

Personally, I have always had a beef with the unconstitutionality of marriage laws. I’m a purist when it comes to the separation between “church and state” and state-sanctioned marriages endorsed by the church through its archaic biblical definitions (translations) smell like rotten meat.
On one level, gay people are required to pay taxes (with, by the way, unconstitutional money propagandizing religion: “In God We Trust”) but, unlike traditionally married couples, do not receive the same financial returns on their investment in the State. The Iowa Supreme Court, armed with logic, recognized that denying gay people the right to have their relationship endorsed by the state is unfair and unequal.
On another level, the landmark ruling plants a positive rainbow flag into the soul of humanity, reminding folks that it’s not a gay issue, rather a human issue. Like it or not, we are all born into the human experiment together, so it’s time for homophobes to drop the phobia and start looking inward to build or resurrect a stronger faith.

Speaking of homophobes, Iowa’s GOP, led by their flag-bearer and third-time gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, is in a bit of a pickle. The only way they can reverse the Iowa Supreme Court’s ruling is through a politically initiated amendment to the Constitution that defines marriage as “between a man and a woman,” which needs to pass through the Iowa Assembly two consecutive sessions and be approved by the majority of Iowa voters. So the earliest this can happen is 2012.
I find it interesting that a party so hell-bent about keeping the government out of individuals’ bedrooms is equally hell-bent on letting the government into their churches. While the GOP insists that it is up to the majority of Iowans to decide what is best for everyone when it comes to defining marriage in Iowa, they are forgetting our forefathers' intent when they penned the Constitution, which ensures protections to the minority. This is precisely why they created a system of checks and balances.

But the GOP doesn’t like this notion when the balance is not in their favor, inspiring them to pull out their rhetorical crutches: “If those damn liberal judges would stop legislating from the bench…”

My retort to this is “Well, if those damn conservative lawmakers would stop enacting legislation that is unconstitutional…”

If the GOP wants to keep running to the right in Iowa and make gay marriage the cornerstone of their platform during the 2010 election, I’ll offer my services now to help write their concession speeches. In case they didn’t get the memo: Theocracy is dead in Iowa.

And before I unleash the snark, I just want to say how proud I was to be an Iowan yesterday. Once again, the nation was watching and we did not disappoint.

Revenge of the Homophobes: Send in the Clowns…

(Disclaimer II: the moratorium on snark and satire has been lifted from this point onward…)

During gathering at Iowa Supreme Court House, an unidentified Single Canadian Black Bear was spotted patroling the perimeter in search of mate -- a Single Black Bear who seeks same

Speaking of Clowns…errr homophobes, three-timin’ gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats sent out an e-mail response to yesterday’s ruling:

Dear (Homophobic) Friends,

A societal earthquake hit Iowa today, shaking our cultural and moral landscape to the core…

The National Weather Service reported no such thing rocking our societal foundation yesterday. Although they did report some seismic readings and sporadic tremors across the state, which were attributed to social-conservatives collectively throwing temper tantrums on the ground, screaming and pounding earth’s shell as their marriages crumbled around them.

…Unfortunately, the will of the people is being thwarted by Democrats who control the state legislature thanks in large part to huge contributions from the homosexual rights lobby…

I knew it was the gay lobby. When everybody else was blaming the unions and the will of the people exercising their will and delivering the GOP a smack-down at the polls in 2006, I knew it was the powerful gay lobby that sent Lt. Gov. wannabe Vander Plaats and his sidekick Jim Nussle packing.

…We can no longer afford to deceive ourselves. Our values are under attack. Iowa isn’t just on the front lines of the cultural war; today it became the epicenter. We need your help TODAY to defeat the homosexual rights lobby and turn back its agenda. We must stop the tyranny of a minority bent on imposing its misguided will on the majority of Iowans and Americans…

No comment. The irony of this statement and campaign solicitation speaks for itself.

Like the Iowa Dems, I’m hoping the GOP does nominate Vander Plaats next year, which may inspire yet another satiric blog in the tradition of Nussle & Flow.

The argument that gay marriage opponents use that I find most absurd is that gay marriage poses a threat to traditional marriages and the institution of marriage. As if the latter institution didn’t already have other a more daunting threat: divorce.

To help dramatize this absurdity, I wrote a comedy sketch on my sister site Say Something Funny: Six Feet Under (Broadway): ‘Marriage Under Attack (This is Not a Dramatization!)’.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates (An Exercise in Futility)

Just when you thought former President George W. Bush had fully disappeared into the Texas sunset with the satirists’ shadow following closely behind, David Letterman’s “Late Show” posse resurrected him for this week’s Online Top Ten Contest. While most satirists have boxed up their George W. Bush satiric crutches and stored them in the attic, CBS insists we beat the “dead horse” and contemplate what the “Great Decider” is doing during his twilight years.

When Bush first left office, I had no doubts he would follow his arch enemy Osama bin Laden’s lead and go into reclusive exile, resurrecting every so often to remind the American people, probably through the release of a grainy video clip on YouTube, who helped elevate the world of satire and made it what it is today.

However, unlike the “No White’s Allowed” sign mounted at the entrance of bin Laden's Pakistani cave, Bush moved into the formerly whites-only Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow. Bush was immediately ostracized by members of his new upper-crust neighbors, whose property values made double-digit drops when They moved into the neighborhood.

Birds eye view of former President George W. Bush's new post-presidency bunker in Preston Hollow, where Bush remains holed up

Fortunately while living in exile, Bush has kept in contact with his two friends through his Facebook page, which leads to this week’s online Top Ten Contest.

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This week’s list: George W. Bush’s Top Ten Facebook Status Updates

George W. Bush is…

10. Having trouble deciding what to title upcoming memoir about decisions made in office

9. Missing Jon Stewart dropping his name on “The Daily Show”

8. Playing Grand Theft Democracy on his new X-box

7. Wondering if he should double-down on life-insurance policy before weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney

6. Now friends with Kim Jong-il, Will Farrell, Joe Lieberman, Miley Cyrus, and Krusty the Clown

5. Watching “W” and wishes he could act like Josh Brolin

4. Feeling better after coming out of eight-year coma

3. Upset Laura’s book club is reading Obama’s “The Audacity of Hope”

2. Using 12-step program to break addiction to presidential signing statements

1. Hitting up AIG CEOs for presidential library donations

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Originally posted on T.M. Lindsey's sister site Say Something Funny

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bureaucratic Genocide: Iowa Politicians Attempt to Kill Off Elders with Acronym

The Iowa Assembly has set the stage for an epic battle-to-the-metaphoric-death between the state’s elderly population and the up-and-coming elected power mongers. Fearing the Elders may usurp their power, Iowa Lawmakers approved a bill changing the state’s Department of Elderly Affairs (DEA), not to be confused with the fed’s Drug Enforcement Agency, to the Department of Aging – or more aptly Dead on Arrival (DOA).

Recently appointed Head of D.O.A., Will T. Corpse, moves into new office in State Coroner's basement

Recently appointed Head of D.O.A., Will T. Corpse, moves into new office in State Coroner's basement

Despite the age-old prophecy espoused by the Blind Prophet, Iowametheus, that one day a group of power-hungry legislators, armed with a deadly acronym, will rise up and destroy the Elders, the latter refuses to relinquish their walkers and allow their power to be usurped.

Masking their true intentions, Des Moines Democrat Rep. Janet Petersen, 38, claimed that the move was needed, because some people don’t like the word “elderly.”

And they would prefer being labeled DOA?

Read rest of post at T.M. Lindsey new favorite sister site Say Something Funny

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Spring Forward: Daylight Savings Next Casualty in Economic Downturn

The Clock Also Rises...

In states that still participate in Daylight Savings, which may soon be nationalized by the federal government if Americans continue to lose confidence in daylight and are reluctant to spend their time, everyone bemoans the loss of an hour – namely because they could have used the hour to reset all the clocks in the house.

But seriously, what would they have done any differently had they had that extra hour this weekend? I’m sure if we conducted a family-feudal survey, the survey’s number one answer would be: sleep. Of course this assumes that those surveyed do not have children or milk cows, whose biological clocks resist man-made cosmic alterations in the Timexian universe. By the time these biological clocks are completely recalibrated, it will be time to “Fall Back.”

In Iowa the designated witching-hour to either spring forward or fall back centers the 2 a.m. bar-closing time, thus clearing up any confusion among alcohol peddlers as to when they should stop nursing the drunks passed out at the bar. The delayed time-switch also provides the lonely beer-goggle populace an extra hour to lose even more focus as they zero in on their intended target, preferably the one in the middle – even though they’ve only locked in on one target.

Local drunk attempts to pull back clock's big hand to extend bars' "last call"
Local Iowa City drunk attempts to pull back clock's big
hand to extend "last-call" in bars
So why do we still have Daylight Savings, which allows Mother Nature’s invisible hand to unhinge our time-structured world without any government oversight and/or transparency? Better yet, what are some of the advantages and disadvantages of Daylight Savings and the age-old prospect of Springing Forward?


Less time for our Do-Nothing Congress to do less of nothing

More daylight in the evening to watch your new Plasma television

Provides excuse to take off for lunch an hour earlier or justify extending your afternoon cat nap: “Really, it’s an hour later, so…”

Get your newspaper an hour earlier, so your metabolism can get a jump start digesting all of the depressing news

Milk cows, whose teats aren’t prematurely pulled, are less likely to conspire with the pigs and the horses in overthrowing the Animal Farm and/or the government


More time for the GOP-arm of our Do-Nothing Congress to obstruct Congress from doing less of nothing

If you die before ‘Fall Back,” you’ll be robbed of an hour of precious life, assuming every hour of your life is not already preciousssssssssss…

More daylight in the evening to shed even more light on the melancholic faces of those folks who have lost their jobs, homes, dignity, or thought injecting botulism into their foreheads ten years ago seemed like a good idea at the time

More time for Rush Limbaugh’s shadow to eclipse the sun, especially after he has succeeded in fully consuming the GOP

Insomniac’s more likely to join Fight Club, but we’ll never really know, because the first rule of Fight Club is never talking about Fight Club (looks like my membership has just been revoked; now what Tyler?)
Originally posted on Say Something Funny

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEO stooges sold separately)

Uncle Sam's New Improved Economic Bailout Plan: Just add more tax $$$ (drowning CEOs sold separately)

Looks like it’s politics-as-usual over at David Letterman’s Online Top Ten Contest Headquarters. The Paul Blart Mall Cop lobby has influenced this week’s winning entries once again by sleeping outside of its Hollywood caste and slummin’ with the independent film “Slumdog Millionaire.”

Paul Blart reared his head at the No. 3 spot in last week’s list, “Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards,” with “Just read my new script. It's called 'Slumdog Mall Cop.'" Moreover, the Online Top Ten Contest lists of the Late-Show past have seeped into one another as Joaquin Phoenix and Christina Bale made cameo appearances, proving once again that negative campaigning does work.

I took the Slumdog route and submitted “Who let the Slumdogs out? Woof! Woof!,” but to no avail.

I defy you Paul Blart!!!

Due to the recent demise of voter turnout among SSF readers, my quest to win the Holy “Online Late Show” t-shirt has devolved from an obsession to an exercise-in-futility. That said, here’s my top-ten list of possible entries to this week’s Top Ten contest. Once again, I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This week’s list: Top Ten Surprising Items in the Economic Bailout Plan

10. Billboard-sized cardboard check from taxpayer’s checkbook with “Screwed Over Again” written in Memo

9. Finance Attorney’s General to prosecute the Invisible Hand

8. Advance to write next 9 sequels of the Economic Bailout Plan

7. All banking CEOs get to pass Go and collect $2 million, split Free Parking pot and will receive one get-out-of-jail-free card

6. Billion-dollar endowment to the Electoral College

5. Salaries for The Watchmen to oversee how bailout money is spent

4. In honor of Joaquin Phoenix, increased funding for Hollywood actor relocation program

3. Funding to reinstitute Wampum as national currency

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see above) on...

Show me the wampum! Get your bling (see above) on..."

2. Six-figure writing fellowship awarded to former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich to pen his memoir

1. Money for people who ACTUALLY need it

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Originally Posted on dominant sister site Say Something Funny

Friday, February 6, 2009

Pimpin’ Pollack Painting: A Modest Proposal for Sen. McCoy

Once again, Iowa Lawmakers are toying with the idea of prostituting Jackson Pollack’s “Mural” painting in exchange for cash to help pay for damages incurred by last summer’s flood on the University of Iowa campus. Sen. Matt McCoy, the new Fine Arts Pimp on the Block, proposed selling the painting “to help students mired in the state’s economic crisis.”

The Real McCoy: "Pssssst. Hey, buddy. Looking for some company? How 'bout a wall-sized Jackson Pollack painting to keep you comapny for the next hour?"

Beside the fact that proceeds from such a sale can only be used to buy more art and not directly help struggling students and recent college graduates, McCoy’s rationale for pimpin’ da Pollack painting drips with logical fallacies:

“If the college believes that owning up to a $200 million painting is more important than keeping tuition low they’ll continue to retain it,” McCoy said. “If they decide keeping tuition low and helping students find a job in the toughest economic downturn since the great Depression is more important, then sell it.”

Can you say ‘appeal to pity’ and ‘if…then’ fallacy? I knew you could.

Using this same logic, one could just as easily insert the following, replacing Pollack’s paining, to get the desired effect:

1. Des Moines Art Museum (completely furnished of course)

2. The South Side of Des Moines (sell off, including McCoy’s crib, and make own profitable municipality)

3. Terrace Hill Mansion (completely furnished as well; Culver family extra)

4. The State Capital Building and grounds (Do they really need all that room to get nothing done?)

5. The Golden Dome atop the State Capital Building

6. Western half of Iowa (sell to Nebraska; no extra charge for Rep. Steve King)

Of course, if we really cared about our college students and their futures, all of these items should be on the table.

Moreover, if Sen. McCoy is genuinely concerned about their economic woes and would like to jumpstart the sacrificing process, I propose he throw in his first-born child to sweeten the pot, hence:



IT IS a melancholy object to those who walk through Iowa City when they see the streets littered with college students, who spent the rest of their tuition money on another all-night Thirsty Thursday booze binge. But not all college students and recently graduating students, who are currently frictionally unemployed, are to blame for the skyrocketing tuition costs exacerbated by the current economic downturn and last year’s deluge in Iowa City. These students, instead of being able to attend college or find gainful employment to ensure an honest livelihood are forced to employ all their time begging for coin to fund their binges.

To end this scourge on society, I propose a top-down economic solution, wherein the top financial rung of society, including all lawmakers, sacrifice their first-born child, which will be auctioned off to the public to the highest bidder. Proceeds from these sales will be used to replenish state coffers and funding mechanisms directly used to finance the education of all prospective college students in the state of Iowa, thus alleviating the burden to parents and lawmakers, the latter of which lack imagination and/or foresight.

Disclaimer: In no way does Political Fallout endorse human trafficking and/or the decapitation of golden domes. The proposal, albeit modest, should hopefully serve as a mere deterrent to future proposed prostitutions of the fine arts. After all, it worked in the film, “Blues Brothers,” when Jake, who on a mission from God, crashed a fellow band members fine-dining establishments and used similar implicit threats to convince a him to join the band.
God's Minions: Elwood & Jake

Jake to father at nearby table: “How much for the little girl? How much for the women? Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.”

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Stimulus-Plan Dating Game: How Big is Your Package?

This week “The Stimulus Plan Dating Game” hits the Senate floor for another rousing round of monetary courtship between We the Taxpayers and our three contestants, who are vying to lay claim to the Taxpayer’s Mega- Jackpot.

Before we begin, let’s meet our three contestants:

Contestant No. 1: Like most American Taxpayers, Contestant No. 1 started his illustrious career with good intentions, lobbying on behalf of responsible corporations in D.C while simultaneously moonlighting as an ACLU lawyer. Once swallowed by the D.C. political culture, Contestant No. 1 had no chance of escaping the abyss of greed, unless he was vomited from the underbelly of Greed’s stomach – which coincidentally brings Contestant No. 1 here today.


Contestant No. 2: Discovered burning a hole in a pocketbook near you, our second contestant takes pride in his elasticity skills and ability to help Americans slide headfirst into Bankruptcy.


Contestant No. 3: Although unborn, our final contestant has a great deal at stake here today, since the ultimate burden of this week’s Mega-Jackpot will fall on his or her shoulders. Due to communication issues, Contestant No. 3’s responses have been recorded by an ultrasound machine, which translates the sonic airwaves into English.

Without further adieu, let’s begin our first round of The Stimulus-Plan Dating Game:

We the Taxpayers: Contestant No. 1, if you were an economic stimulus plan, describe to me what our first date would look like.

Contestant No. 1: First, I would pick you up in our company’s private jet, hybrid of course, and fly you to an undisclosed location in the Cayman Islands, where I would wine and dine you with the best that American money can buy. After dinner, we would enjoy side-by-side Swedish Massages, during which you would tell me about all the dream legislation you would like to see Congress enact – with your name on it, of course. Exhausted from looking so deeply into your eyes and pretending to care, we would head back to our own rental island for a nightcap and romantic evening as I try to lobby you into bed.

We the Taxpayers: Wow, Contestant No. 1, you really know how to treat a Taxpayer. So I take it we’ll be going Dutch? (laughs at own joke as audience joins in, laughing at own expense) The same question goes to you Contestant No. 2.

Contestant No. 2: Let’s just say if you choose me, the sky’s the limit with your credit line. And no more annoying late fees, if you know what I mean (winks at audience, which takes cue and laughs). As if you had rubbed a bottle and wished for me to come out and sweep you off your feet, I will slide into your life and pick you up for a magic credit card ride. Unlike Contestant No. 1, I will let you decide where our magic credit card takes us. With me, you can charge your dreams and watch all your worries slip into the next Congressional Bailout.

We the Taxpayers: Sounds great, but unfortunately I am afraid of heights --- (pauses for comedic effect) -- high Annual Percentage Rates that is (laughs at own joke as audience joins in). Contestant No. 3, since you haven’t been born yet and the thought of talking to an incubator over dinner and conversation sounds a little embarrassing, I will ask you a different question. If my eyes were matching crystal balls and you looked into them, what type of future do you see for us in, say 40 years?

Contestant No. 3: (through translator) I see China. Everyone on earth speaks freakin’ Chinese, including you and me and this ultrasound Speak-Easy you sick bastards have jammed down my throat. I hope I’m never born, and if I am, I swear to God I will be a Libertarian.

We the Taxpayers: Wow, so young, yet so cynical Contestant No. 3. I think somebody needs an infusion of Hope (laughs at attempt to make joke).

Thus ends the first round of The Stimulus Plan Dating Game. Tune in for the next round to see who indeed has the biggest package? (laugh track here)

Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

Friday, January 23, 2009

Satirists Mourn Loss of Bush


Satirists' Battlecry for past 8 years: "Speak, Bush, speak..."

While Tuesday’s changing-of-the-presidential guard was billed as a day of Hope for most people, there was a melancholic ripple in the satiric force. Satirists, who could always depend on the former President George W. Bush to feed their muse in times of desperation, had their satiric crutches pulled out from beneath them with Bush’ stage-left exit.


George W. Bush, disguised in an Osama-like beard, could not allude a pack of wild satirists on his trip to Texas,where he plans to hibernate indefinately. Bush eventually turned on the mob and told them he was done and they repsonded dumbfoundedly: "What now, George?"


President George W. Bush: 2001 - 2009

"That’s all I have to say about that."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

"Where's Waldo?"

President Barack Hussein Obama's 2009 Inauguration: "Where's Waldo?"

My quest for winning a David Letterman “Late Show Online” t-shirt continues after a disappointing, yet hopeful attempt at last week’s online Top Ten Contest, which featured the topic: “Top Ten Least Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show.”

After readers weighed in, one actually bribing me with a pound of flesh if I submitted “Life-sized, remote-control mime” (I guess some people out there have a thing for electronic mimes), I went with the top online vote-getter: Bernard Madoff Money Changer.

Among last week’s winners, Bernard Madoff did make the final cut at the No. 1 spot with “New Video Game: ‘Grand Theft Madoff.’”

Undaunted, I will continue my quest to win the holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.

Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.

This week’s Top Ten topic and list:

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

10. “Excuse me, but could you please point me toward the Washington Monument?”

9. “Frosty malts! Get your frost malts!”

8. “George W. Who?”

7. “Freebird!”

6. “HOPE: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.”

5. Aretha Franklin: “You want R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Talk to the hat, baby.”

4. “Whew!”

3. “I heard Michelle leased her dress from Sarah Palin?"

2. Dick Cheney’s backstage Dr. Strangelove impersonation: “Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!”

1. “Pssst, wake up George. Your reign is over.”

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which one of these I should submit.

Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

Monday, January 19, 2009

Obama Should Elope to Detroit for Inauguration

If President-elect Barack Obama really wants change I can believe in and to break away from politics-as-usual, I suggest running off to the Motorless City for this year’s Inauguration. A good ‘ol fashioned elopement is the perfect way to bite your thumb at tradition, especially when the expectations for a traditional marriage between a Man and an Executive Branch (that’s what it says in the Constitution, so it must be true) grow exponentially by the nanosecond.


Motor City or Bust: "I got other plans D.C."

Estimates for this year’s inaugural bash are pushing the $150 million envelop, not to mention it’s BYOBMCHPPTPH (Bring Your Own Beer, Makeshift Cardboard House, Porta-Potty, Toilet Paper & HOPE). You would think the Inaugural Committee could stretch this money and throw in a couple of kegs and a sleeve of plastic cups.

However, like the federal budget, most of these funds have been earmarked for defense and homeland security purposes. By security I mean party crashers. And by party crashers I don’t mean bitter and/or disgruntled Republicans, rather twenty-somethings who still go to high school keggers, Ryan Seacrest and those pesky Mad Maxian party crashers from the 1980s cult classic film “Weird Science.” Regarding the latter, everyone knows, at least those of us who viewed “Weird Science” as a cautionary tale know the best and by far the cheapest defense against these alien thugs is wearing a brassiere on your head and reciting passages from the Old Constitution – not to be confused with the recently revised edition.

These are professionally trained Homeland Security employees. Do not try this at home.

These are professionally trained Home security officers. Do not try this at home.

Just think what Obama could do with all that Inauguration money if he were to elope to Detroit. He could use the money for a down payment on a new White House in a new location, say the upper-Midwest where he would not only be insulated from D.C. lobbyists, but he would be closer to his Fortress of Solitude -- should he ever feel the need to get away from it all and find himself through introspection and a steady supply of Klondike bars.

Having already spent over $700 million on his presidential bid, I imagine Obama wanted to have something small, quaint and private for his swearing-in ceremony.

But, as is the case in the multi-billion dollar wedding industry, politics almost always trump intentions, whether it be family politics or the loathsome politics-as-usual boogeyman – both of which begin rearing their heads during the initial drafting process of the guest list. If you thought the legislative process was messy, you’ve obviously never planned your own wedding. Bill in Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill” has it made compared to the embattled Guest List in the yet-to-be released “I’m Just a Guest List.”

The process begins with both parties listing immediate family members before moving on to listing people you may actually see after the wedding, thus avoiding any potential snub incidents. After the first draft is complete, you submit it to your managing editors: both sets of parental units (who are more-than-likely funding the impending train wreck). They add all of their relatives and acquaintances you’ve never heard of, yet somehow know all about you.

Next you send out the initial wave and wait for the word-of-mouth to spread, so those folks who were excluded can call your editors and voice their complaints until they are added to the next wave. This process repeats itself until both parties approve the list and send it up to the Mother of the Bride, who ultimately decides whether or not to exercise her veto power.

In Obama’s case this nightmare scenario has been compounded by the size of his potential guest list that draws from the 66.8 million people who voted for him. Any slight and these folks may not ever speak to him again and/or vote for him in the next election, not to mention the underlying tension at next year’s Thanksgiving dinner table.

This alone is reason enough as to why Obama should elope to Detroit.

Why Detroit, you ask?

If anywhere in the United States epitomizes rock bottom and needs the Obama bump, it is Detroit. Not only has the Motor City been idled by the economic meltdown, but its beloved Lions set a record in futility by losing all 16 games this year. Better yet, Obama could hold the 2009 Inauguration at Ford Field (just blocks away from where Mitt Romney announced his failed presidential bid). Most of the seats saw little wear-and-tear this year and Obama can help Detroit rise from the ashes – an economic rebirth, if you will.

Opposing fans remain to watch their team win in last-second overtime win.

Opposing fans remain to watch their team win in last-second overtime.

My guess is Obama is already committed to tomorrow’s Inauguration, but there’s still an outside chance we may have our first Runaway President.

At least we can HOPE…

Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

‘Say Something Funny’ is Up and Running

My new sister sight Say Something Funny survived its first post, unscathed for the most part. While 27 percent of up-start blogs never publish a second post, I can safely say I’ve defied the statistics with a second post: “Keep your hands off my drugs, Big Brother.”

Here’s a taste:

This year, despite the fact I’m not even remotely religious, I’ve decided to give up Responsibility for Lent.

Why not? When in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, might as well do as what Jesus would do, eh?

Why responsibility, you ask?

For starters, responsible people, ever since the beginning of time, have always been getting the short end of the snake. Just ask Eve. (Ba-dum-bum—Ching! I couldn’t resist, which is not a good sign that I’m going to successfully resist responsibility for 40 days.)

If you need more anecdotal evidence that the Responsible are always getting screwed, read “The Book of Ecclesiastes” in the Old Testament. And if you’re still not satisfied and need a more reputable source, I suggest you look up “Responsible People Are Eternally Doomed” on Wikipedia to feed any empirical doubts you may have been harboring. Trust me, it’s there. I should know because I added the entry late last night while the Wiki-Police were off chasing my soon-to-be irresponsible brethren. God I can’t wait for Lent to begin. Oh the Sinful Places I will Go.

Now I’ve been responsible my entire life, maybe too responsible for that matter, but I stared responsibility down the other day for the last time (an epic battle indeed) at a nearby pharmacy while trying to purchase a box of Suphedrine, or what I call Suphadrain, from the certified Pusher behind the counter. (Read more)

No worries political satire aficionados, I do plan on returning with a post in the next day or so.

Monday, January 12, 2009

‘Fallout Launches New Sister Humor Site: ‘Say Something Funny’

In the wake of the Dot-Com Bust of the ‘90s and the impending Blog Bust, I thought I would launch yet another blog site, “Say Something Funny,” thus adding more virtual cholesterol to the clogged arteries of the Internet Super Highway (ISH).

I know, I know that I’m a part of the problem, having chucked five start-up blogs to the Superhighway roadside (Witsend Here, Nussle & Flow, Surviving Yepsen, Colbert for Head of F.C.C. and Iowa Veterans Blog), but the force tells me these endeavors were all part of a process leading to Say Something Funny.

I’ve called Political Fallout my home away from home away from home the past few years, even though I did sublease the space, at least mentally, for most of last year due to obligations writing straight journalism for the Iowa Independent. Over the past month, however, my satiric voice has been slowly returning to me, much to the chagrin of my family, friends and unsuspecting targets of satiric attacks. During this 12-step recovery process, my voice has been telling me to start a new site, so I had no other choice to listen and obey its every command or risk losing it forever this time.

I still plan on maintaining and writing for Political Fallout on a regular basis, like right now for instance, but Fallout will have to get used to sharing my mind’s custody with Say Something Funny, which will provide another avenue for humor that is not driven solely by politics. SSF will include a plethora of bits including humorous essays and poems, short quips, daily observations, parodies, comedy sketches, monologues, captions, quotes, and the list goes on.

So if you need a brief reprisal from the political world and whether you are a comedy aficionado, part-me reader of funny stuff, or layman humorist, I invite you to take a detour on the Internet’s Super Highway and check out “Say Something Funny.”

I’ve posted the introductory piece, “Prologues: ‘Say Something Funny’ or Die” today. Here’s a little teaser:

In the global world of comedy, “Say something funny” is the ultimate Weapon ofMass Destruction (WMD), claiming more lives and quick-witted tongues than the WMDs stored on temporary U.S. military bases scattered across the sands of Iraq.

On the list of top Say Somethings, “Say something funny” holds the second spot, wedged between the frontrunner “Say something romantic” and “Say something to help cheer me up.” “Say something clever” and “Say something (uncomfortable pause here) anything!" round out the top five.

Anyone who has been involved in a romantic relationship knows the underlying power of “Say something romantic,” especially when ensnared in the midst of a heated moment of unbridled passion. Nothing kills this moment, besides the sound of symphonic snoring, faster than being put on the spot by the volatile “Say something romantic" game changer.(read more)

Top THREE Reasons Why You Should Bookmark “Say Something Funny” to Your Favorites, Forward the Link to Everyone You Know -- or if You are a Part of the Impending Blog-Bust Problem, Add the Link to Your Site:

So one day you can truthfully say, without hesitation: “I remember when T.M. Lindsey was JUST a blogger”

Oprah bookmarked it

I asked you nicely without groveling and/or begging, so please, please, please, please, please, read and help promote Say Something Funny

Rachel Maddow Parody Makes Debut on SNL

To officially cement yourself in the world of political punditry, you have to become a caricature on Saturday Night Live. With Rachel Maddow’s debut on last night’s episode of SNL, it looks like MSNBC has run the table with Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and the latest prime-time pundit of 24 hour cable news.

The Rachel Maddow Show: Roland Burris and former Illinois Gov. Blago

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Obama Comes Down from the Burning Bushes with Bush Jr.'s 10 Commandments

President-elect Barack Obama met with all the living U.S. Presidents at the Oval Office for a luncheon, which the new prez-on-the-block hailed as an “extraordinary” occasion.

Obama caught on camera hiding in the Bushes

Meanwhile, while the sitting President George W. Bush used the occasion to help whitewash himself from the recently stained office and remind everyone that the office “transcends the individual,” President Bill Clinton was reliving memories of literal stains left in the wake of his term.

The luncheon was held up President Jimmy Carter, who had trouble finding the office because Bush Jr.s office had inadvertently sent him the Roadmap to Peace in the Middle East, which had been misplaced sometime during the first year of his first term in office.

During the luncheon, the presidents shared advice with the incoming Obama, ranging from how to avoid being a one-termer to what kind of dog he should get.

Half way through the lunch gathering George W. Bush passed a napkin under the table to Obama, which had a message scrawled in black pen written on it. Obama is still trying to figure out whether or not the message was serious or intended to be some kind of presidential prank that presidents play on the newbie.

Through one of its sources, Political Fallout was able to procure a copy of the message scribbled on a White House cocktail napkin:

Hey O’Man,

Thought you might need these when you take office. They’re my own 10 Commandments and helped me get through the past 8 years and survive my low approval ratings:

King George’s 10 Commandments

1. Just do what Big Dick says and you’ll be okay

2. Don’t make any Play-doh statues of members of intelligence community and/or yourself during morning security briefings

3. When the cow paddies hit the fan, run for Crawford and lay low until EVERYTHING blows over

4. Remember that Sundays is for reading the funnies (except those poking fun at you), taking extra nap between regular naps, watching sports and Laura read books, and eating pretzel sandwiches with Barney

5. Honor Big Dick

6. Thou shalt not kill anyone who doesn’t have it comin’ (unless of course the demon who possesses Barney’s body tells you to do it)

7. Ignore Little Dick

8. Thou shalt not steal when you can pass tax breaks and/or draw down from unlimited line of credit tax payers gave you

9. You shall not bear false witness against Canada or Mexico ‘cuz that’s what it says in NAFTA

10. You shall not covet your neighbors’ house, wife, work force, professional hockey players, or anything else that belongs to them ‘cuz that’s what it says in NAFTA


The Bushmeister

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Obama Condoms: Obama is the New ‘Star Wars’ of Political Merchandising

A long time ago n a galaxy far, far away, the kingpin of modern merchandising, “Star Wars: A New Hope,” was born.

Thirty-one years later, the New Hope President-elect Barack Obama, has been resurrected in the over-saturated galaxy of mass merchandising.

In today’s marketing day and age, consumers often ask: “What came first, the movie or the merchandising?” during the branding process -- which usually begins in the womb for most savvy marketing exploiters.

Such is the case for the Obama brand, which has been selling like GOP union-busters over the past year. Obama’s name reigned in over $700 billion dollars in campaign contributions, which includes some of the merchandising the campaign directly tapped into such as t-shirts, buttons, bumper stickers, 2009 calendars, posters, coffee mugs, and commemorative coins.

But the Obama Buck does not stop here. Other entrepreneurs and opportunists alike are cashing in on the Obama name brand, selling everything from Obama car-seat covers to Obama Action Figures. (Note: It took the Jesus estate nearly 2000 years to get a Jesus Action Figure on store shelves. For the record: when placed side by side, the Obama Action Figure is BIGGER than the Jesus Action Figure.)

Like its predecessor, “Star Wars,” anything is fair game for merchandising the Obama brand, including condoms.

Last year a young New York City entrepreneur Benjamin Sherman started selling Obama condoms -- along with John McCain and Sarah Palin condoms -- through his company Practice Safe Policy. The Obama condom carries the slogan “Use With Good Judgment” and has the following pitch on its Web site:


These are uncertain times. The economy's a ball-buster and the surge went flaccid... but now there's Obama Condoms, for a change you can believe in!


As Seen on TV: Condoms Unite Obama and McCain

In an attempt to close the condom merchandising gap, I imagine it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing glow-in-the-dark light saber condoms popping up behind drugstore counters.

Growing up during the “Star Wars” merchandising surge in the late ‘70s, I resisted the temptation to invest in the pricy Star Wars action figures, models, Death Star Disco Globe and Princess Leigh blow-up doll (batteries not included). Even at a young age I was caught up in ‘80s politics under President Reagan’s watch and wondered why George Lucas didn’t file a trademark suit against the federal government for adopting the nickname “Star Wars” for its Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI).

Moreover, since the ‘80s were my formative years for satire, I was preoccupied with parody, and “Star Wars” – the movie – was not immune to parody. As was the case in Mel Brooks’ “Spaceballs”:

Spaceballs Parody: Merchandising

Obama the Senator, Obama the Bestselling Author, Obama the Campaigner and Obama the President-elect have successfully branded the Obama name, and as the Inauguration approaches next week, it will be interesting to see how Obama the President sells in the market.

Here are a few merchandising trends to look for during his first term:

The Obamamobile: imagine driving a sleek hybrid sports car that has room for the entire family. Equipped with tinted, bullet-proof windows, the Obamamobile is the perfect nocturnal ride for speeding through crime-infested streets left in the wake of Bush’s economic meltdown. Mass merchandising of Obamamobiles will help conceal the President’s whereabouts while in transition at night. All Obamamobiles come with the trademarked bumper sticker, “My Other Car is the Air Force One,” slapped on the rear bumper.

The Obama Diet: Are you sick of all those exercise programs that you actually have to work to shed pounds? Fed up with all of the quick-fix dietary pills? Tired of those lose-weight-while-you’re sleeping weight loss gimmicks that have carried over into the work day?

How would you like a washboard stomach like the one Obama’s girls used to surf on while vacationing in Hawaii?

Introducing the “Obama Diet” -- a guaranteed lifestyle diet that will have you shedding the pounds before you know it. To get started on your Obama Diet, all you have to do create a stressful daily schedule that mirrors Obama’s while he was on the campaign trial for 21 months: 16 hours of rushing from event to event and pretending to like everyone in the process, 2 hours of basketball (schedule permitting), 3 hours of writing speeches and policy papers, 2 hour of meetings with top aids and marketing/merchandising manager, and 1 hour of meditation in lieu of a regular sleep cycle. To help expedite the six-pack abdominals process, we recommend taking up smoking.

The Hoprah Machine: why leave home in search for hope when you can stay at home, sit on the sofa, and have hope pumped through you via the Hoprah Machine. Financed by television’s modern Midas, the Hoprah Machine works like a humidifier as it spews hope into the air of your living room and fills your pores with very little to no effort on your part. Sound hopeful? Nope, it’s Hoprah!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Got Scandal?: Iowa’s Bottom Nontroversies of 2008

"That's it...say it...say it...don't be shy..."

Like our ancestors the Brits, Americans love a good scandal.

However, unlike the Brits, American journalists and the Sound-Bite Corporate Media Machine are willing to sacrifice real journalism for gotcha journalism, especially in the political realm.

Armed with pens, laptop computers, video cameras, crackberrys, cell phones, tiki-torches and temptresses – journalists, bloggers and concerned citizens have assumed the role of makeshift paparazzi and hit the campaign trail in search of their 15 minutes of fame.

Unfortunately a number of gotcha moments only became controversial when the media, like blood-deprived leeches, clung to the nontroversy and spun it through its continuous loop of 24-hours news, which only contains an estimated 30 minutes of new news according to a recent Political Fallout study.

At the national level John Ridley catalogued a number of the top Nontroversies in 2008.

Meanwhile in Iowa, here are some of the Bottom Nontroversies of 2008:

Muslim Statehouse prayer threatens Christian faithful (outside of Iowa). Iowa’s 2008 General Assembly appeared to start off fairly smoothly with an invocation by Imam Muhammad Khan of Des Moines on the first day of the session Jan. 14. Not until outside agitators, including conservative talk show hosts and anti-Muslim organizations stuck their self-righteous noses in did this become a nontroversy.

GOP voter challenge/suppression of Grinnell College student voters falls short during November election. Ironically, the seeds of this challenge were planted by GOP adversary Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Iowa Caucuses. The Clinton campaign feared, justifiably so, Sen. Barack Obama’s turn out of young voters. Where was Joe the College Student when Obama needed him or her?

Rep. Steve King’s Little Shop of Horrors (A Tone-Deaf Musical). Iowan’s have become accustomed to the 5th district earsore, whose only claim-to-fame is measured in cubic vitriolic spew units (cvsu). Most Iowans have managed to ignore our very own political Master of Horror, hoping that if we ignore him he will simply disappear. Poof! Unfortunately, the national media keep feeding his Napoleon complex by running his nontroversial statements to help bolster otherwise slow nontroversial weeks.

During his "Oh-the-Places-We-Can-Drill" tour of western Iowa, Rep. Steve King pulls out one of his trusty nontroversy props to illustrate why drilling is the best answer to our energy consumption crisis.

Iowa Democrat Party serves up new brand of McCarthyism to Des Moines Register. As if the media needed any help (although given the recent across-the-board layoffs in journalism, maybe they could use a little help from their “friends”) scouring court documents for juicy details of elected officials past foibles, Rep Kevin McCarthy and the Gang delivered a neatly-labeled binder exposing several Republican Iowa House candidates’ backgrounds. Opposition research or good ol’ fashioned Witch Hunt? You make the call, dear Reader. Either way this should help ease the divisiveness of the two sides come Jan. 12, eh?

Gov. Chet Culver’s condo habit. Okay, so the Big Lug has an addiction to vacationing in million-dollar condos in Florida that just happen to be owned by real-estate tycoon Bill Knapp, who in turn happens to be a contributor to Culver’s campaign and longtime family friend of the Culvers. At least Chet admits he has a problem and that he is paying the $1000/week fee for using the Knappster’s condo. I’m sure that ever since he won his gubernatorial bid, the Big Lug has been scratching his head, wondering: “Hmmmm…now that I work for the people of Iowa, does that mean I still get to keep my friends with benefits before I was elected?” Had Chet done what most state employees who went to the Outback Bowl did, cut lodging expenses by cramming 20 people into one condo, some folks may be a little more forgiving of the Big Lug's addicition.

Gov. Chet Culver: "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to heavily discounted million-dollar condos in Florida owned by a major campaign contributor and longtime friend with benefits."

And Iowa's bottom nontroversy of 2008?

“Smokin in the Guv’s Car”: starring First Lady Mari Culver. While the passage of the public smoking ban may have been controversial -- given Gov. Culver other addiction: gambling revenues (Hmmm…I wonder if gaming lobbyists get the same discount on the Knappster’s condominiums?) – catching his mate, Mari Culver, smoking in a state-owned vehicle is by no means as controversial as the media and some Republican lawmakers made it out to be.

Mari admitted to breaking the law, paid the fine and promised she would never do it again.

Admitted adulterer John Edwards unites with admitted smoker in public places Mari Culver during a campaign stop, both sharing the same thought: "God I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

But the nontroversy did not end there. The newly appointed Iowa House Minority Leader Kraig Paulsen used the incident as a springboard to draw the line in the political sand, calling for a probe into whether the state should fund Mari’s police escort service.

As the economic crisis hits home, I’m sure this nontroversy will be a high priority when the legislative session reconvenes Jan 12.