Sunday, July 27, 2008

McCain Spokesman: Obama Hasn’t Visited Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory (Maine)

While Obama wrapped up his World Tour and media love-fest, McCain’s campaign took time out from its County Fair Tour to issue some “Oh yeah, but…” statements to whomever would listen or had some dead-air to fill before deadline.

“In fact, [Obama's] never met with President Uribe in Colombia, as John McCain has,” McCain’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said on CNN today. “Obama has still yet to take a trip to Mexico City to have those meetings there and his relationship with Canada, I think, took a turbulent roll through the primaries.”

So na-na-na-boo-boo, Mr. Fancy Pants Obama.

When reporters pushed Bounds to elaborate, he added, “Oh yeah, and Obama has never been to heaven, hell, or Purgatory, Maine,” implying that McCain has vited all of these places.

Inspired by the battle of the Oh-the-Place-We-Will-Go Empty-Rhetoric War, the Political Fallout Fact-Check Team did some of its own digging into the past and unearthed, literally, some other places that John McCain has visited BUT Obama has NOT:

Atlantis (below): McCain reportedly visited the island before it sank below the sea. Reports indicate that McCain intended to inspect the island’s powerful naval academy to brush up on naval domination, but got sidetracked by his “Go Atlantis Guidebook.” McCain spent the majority of his goodwill trip to Atlantis snorkeling and looking for King Titan and his restless band of mermaids under the sea.

Hades: Upon returning from the underworld, seemingly unscathed by shades of the past, McCain promptly checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, where it’s reported that he underwent a fervent detoxication program to help flush sacrificial goats’ blood from his system.

Ithaca: Although Homer did not mention or footnote McCain’s visit to Ithaca and meeting with King Odysseus, McCain distinctly remembers having a cordial conversation with the King and his wife, Penelope. “I truly felt Odysseus’ pain after his 20 years away from home, 10 of which were lost in a grueling battle with the Trojans,” McCain told Political Fallout. “I felt like I really connected to Odysseus, especially when comparing my experiences as a prisoner-of-war and Odysseus’ seven-year captivity by Calypso. I can’t begin to imagine what Odysseus must have suffered at the hands of a beautiful goddess, whose only promise for being her boy-toy was immortality. The horror…the horror…”

Mesopotamia: During a 6th-century visit, upon the arrival of the Archaemenid Empire, McCain warned leaders that if they didn’t implement a surge of troops, Mesopotamia would lose its independence to foreign powers wanting to colonize their land. McCain’s prophecy, ignored by leaders at the time, came true with the arrival of the Islamic Caliphates, which paved the way for modern-day Iraq. Ignoring McCain’s 6th-century prophecy once again, Iraq fell to yet another takeover, which McCain has prophesized will last another 100 years.

Sodom & Gomorrah: After escaping the brimstone and firestorms of these cities, McCain’s only comment to the press was “What happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, stays in Sodom and Gomorrah.”