Friday, January 26, 2007

We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: ‘Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue

John Kerry Announced He Would Not Seek His Party’s Nomination

"John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring will end up stuck in the Senate." (Jay Leno)

Looks like Kerry’s Sugar Mama, Teresa Heinz, put the kibosh on Johnny’s allowance. And who said running for president isn’t an expensive hobby?

Senator John McCain Still “Older than Dirt”

"I am older than dirt and have more scars than Frankenstein." (Senator John McCain -- response to whether or not too old to run for President)

Christopher Rants Caught in the Headlights

“After a late night of debating minimum wage in the House, I was waiting to cross Grand Avenue, one of the busiest roads in Des Moines, when I spotted this deer. I paused for the deer to cross Grand and quickly pulled out my cell phone and snapped a picture. I found this a little ironic considering for numerous years, the DNR has had “interesting” ideas about how to manage the deer population in Iowa and on this particular night, there was a deer nearly in front of the Department offices in downtown Des Moines. In fact, the leading cause of vehicle accidents in the state of Iowa is deer. I’m hoping that a visit from our little furry friend might bring back more discussion of how to appropriately manage the deer population issues we have in our state.” (House Minority Leader Christopher Rants)

(Note: Several studies* show cell phones are a leading cause of car crashes. It is estimated that cell phone distracted drivers are four times more likely to be in a car wreck. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year.)

*These studies do not include statistics related to drivers stopping on busy streets to snap pictures of crossing deer, capturing their unsuspecting images the crossfire of their headlights and cell phone cameras.

Stephen Colbert Threatens Civil Disobedience

If you give Clinton the same doctorate you gave me, I will be forced to burn (my degree) on the air.” (Stephen Colbert – after learning that Bill Clinton will be the commencement speaker at the same college that Colbert was last year.)

Frankenstein Still “Older than McCain"

"I am older than John McCain and have more scars than the Bush Administration. I wish these people would leave me alone and stop bringing me into the limelight.” (Frankenstein – in response to McCain’s rapidly aging analogy)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

State of the Union Address: Seven Deadly Haikus


I'm the Decider!
We must not fail in Iraq!!
It's been decided!!!


While Dick Cheney sleeps,
State of the Union is strong.
Let sleeping Dick lie.


What do you say, Nancy?
Reach over party lines for
Good ol' arm wrestlin'?


All I am saying:
Give escalation a chance
To help save my ass.


Same ol' promises.
Approval rating falling;
Pass me the peanuts.


Only two more years,
And all of this will be mine.
Must beat Obama...

Keep tax cuts for rich;
We must balance the budget
On backs of the poor.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

SNL’s “Chris Matthews vs. Hillary” Spot On

In case you didn’t catch this past weekend’s episode of “Saturday Night Live,” the opening sketch was definately the highlight of the show. On the day that Hillary announced she would seek the Democratic presidential nomination and that “She’s in to Win,” SNL was already locked and loaded with a “Hardball” sketch, which exposed some of Hillary’s political vulnerabilities:

What are your thoughts on the sketch? The portrayal of Hillary? I want to hear YOUR thoughts: "Let's start a conversation..."

Monday, January 22, 2007

“Voters Beware”: Rep. Christopher Rants Sides with Sinners

Attention Iowa Voters: Beware of House Minority Leader, Christopher Rants. Why, you ask? For starters, Rants is in cahoots with Usurers in Iowa, who are opening their sinister stores by a pawn shop near you. These unseemly predators may not be preying upon your family heirlooms or rusticated shotguns, but rather, they’re preying upon your monetary desperation. Disguised as reputable loan companies, Satan’s foot soldiers are exchanging money at the crossroads, lending money to borrowers at usury rates, while their prey forks over their car-title for collateral. (Sinister laugh here, followed by theme music from “Repo Man”…)

Have no fear, the House Commerce Committee crafted and passed a bill that would limit interest rates on car-title loans, wherein Usurers could not exceed the usury rate of 21 percent annually -- a rate that’s still equitable to a “pound of flesh” in Shakespeare’s day. Iowa’s Attorney General, Tom Miller, noted that Iowans have paid annual interest rates as high as 360 percent on car-title loans. (Sound of Al Capone having a posthumous coronary arrest here.)

For those of you unfamiliar with "usury," let’s review:

Usury is derived from Latin and means “interest” or “excessive interest.” The term usury was originally applied to interest charged for the use of money, but after moderate-interest loans joined the mainstream and were accepted by the business world, the term metamorphosed into “excessive interest.”

In Iowa, the legal rate of interest is 10% and general consumer transactions are governed at a maximum rate of 12%. But here’s the rub, folks. Thanks to high inflation in 1980, the federal government passed a special law which allowed national banks (any bank that has the word “national” or the term “N.A.” in their name, and savings banks that are nationally chartered) to ignore state usury limits, pegging the rate of interest at a certain number of points above the federal reserve discount rate. This exception was also applied to specially chartered organizations like small loan companies and installment plan sellers, who have their own set of rules.

Now let’s take a stroll down Usury Memory Lane and see how historical figures have responded to Usurers:

WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?): In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus emphasizes lending without concern for a return - or even repayment:

If ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest, for he is kind to the unthankful, and to the evil. (Luke 6:35)

WWSD? (What Would Satan Do?): Using Dante’s “Inferno” as our moral compass, we observe that Dante casts Usurers south, down to the inner-ring of the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they shack up eternally with Blasphemers and Sodomites (non-refundable deposit required). I can only imagine the parties these guys throw, eh Christopher? These sinister roomies take residence in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining form the sky. (see left) The Blasphemers lie on the sand, the Usurers sit, and the Sodomites wander about in groups Sounds like Spring Break on South Padre Island without the booze. Hmmmmmm...

WWRD? (What Would Rants Do?): Rants would oppose any legislation that sets usury limits, arguing “consumers should be free to make their own decisions, and lenders have the right to set terms for risky loans. As long as the terms are clear, then ‘buyer beware.’”

Long Live Usury!!!
Long Live Usury!!!
Long Live Usury!!!

For his sake, I hope Rants has been stockpiling SPF 1000. Rumor has it that it gets pretty hot down in the Seventh Circle this time of year.

Meanwhile, Political Fallout would like to issue the following “Voter Beware” alert:

“Voter Beware”: The support of any legislative representative who supports, condones, or turns a “blind eye” to Usurers or any effort to thwart usury in the state of Iowa, should be considered dangerous to the eternal life of your soul. Guilt of usury or any such association may result in condemning your soul to the Seventh Circle of Hell, the literal loss of a pound of flesh, and/or the repossession of your soul by the Repo Man – whose charge is to burn your temple in an unmarked trash can before releasing it into the “Inferno.” (see below)