Saturday, December 6, 2008

Political News Haikus: Obama, Franken & GM Bailout

Obama Campaign Contributions

Merchandising HOPE:
Thirty million in the black,
Fear still in the red.

Al Franken Recount

Two + two = 5.
What Would Stuart Smalley Say?
Al won, dog-gone it.

GM Bailout

General Motors,
Who killed the electric car,
Wants more seed money.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Breaking: Economy experts finally state obvious and pronounce R-word

After 12 months -- during which time the U.S. economy has been on life support, tanked, bottomed out, took a nose dive, crashed, plummeted, or whatever adjective and/or descriptive word(s) you have been using around the house or can still afford to use – the National Bureau of Economic Research has finally overcome its speech impediment and declared that we are indeed in a Recession.

I wonder how many man hours, speech therapy sessions, and how much money it took these crack researchers to figure out the obvious?

Whatever the cost, I would have done it for half in six months: “Our economy is screwed.”

I repeat: “Our economy is screwed.”

Although signs of the R-word have been bantered about over the past year, the NBER had to wait a year to make sure we were in a recession, despite all the tell-tale signs including:

1. Depression-era survivors started referring to the 1930s as “the salad days”

2. Golden parachutes have been replaced by aluminum parachutes

3. The dollar fell below wampum in exchange currencies abroad

4. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are household names in households that could not procure mortgages from either one of these behemoths

5. People all over the country willingly invested nearly $750 million in HOPE

6. The Man filed for bankruptcy

To get a real sense of the NBER’s surprise announcement, Political Fallout turned to the Caped Crusaders for their reactions to the breaking news that we are officially in a recession:

Robin: Holy falling stock market indexes, Batman! Did you hear we’re in a recession? Whatever will we do?

Batman: No worries, Robin. This is no time to panic. Besides, I have my trusty multi-billion dollar bailout lever to help protect the Bruce Wayne fortune.

Robin: I hope you didn’t put all of your eggs into one basket and had enough sense to diversify your portfolio.

Batman: Clever pun, Robin. But you really should leave the puns to the wordsmiths and keep focused on fighting green-collar crimes.

Robin: You’re right, Batman. It’s just that this whole recession thing has me worried that our investments will ebb while crime flows at an unprecedented rate. This puts a damper on my retirement plans.

Batman: That’s no excuse for taking liberties with our language, Robin. It may help to know that while we have been simultaneously protecting the citizens of Gotham, I’ve managed to exploit the local economy by outsourcing “good” to other communities in exchange for stock options in “evil.”

Robin: Genius, Batman. Absolutely genius.

Batman: No, Robin; inventing Corporate Welfare in my lab was absolute genius.