D.C. Fallout: Political Sausage Fest (Made in the U.S.A.)

"Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made." (Otto Von Bismarck)

Despite Otto’s cautionary quote, the perverse side of me wanted to actually see how laws are made, so I visited the largest sausage making factory in the continental United States:

U.S. Capitol Building: Where Sausage is Made (in the U.S.A.)

After a lot of waiting in lines and surviving three security check points, I entered the House chamber, which was nearly empty -- except for the four representatives who were introducing legislation. One of the speakers, a House Rep. from Illinois was proposing a bill that had something to do with steel production, but I can’t quite remember, since I was nodding off intermittently. Granted, it was just after lunch, but the Congressman’s speech was far from inspiring. The whole time, or the times I was fully conscious, all I could think about was the Kids in the Hall’s short, yet twisted avant-garde comedy sketch, “Sausages.”

When I wasn’t replaying the sketch in my mind, I was imagining real sausage being made.

Mmmmmmmmmm...sausages...

After enjoying a cat nap in the House chamber, I was Supreme Court bound. I wanted to see where laws are unmade by activist judges, who overturn laws made by activist legislators who passed laws that were unconstitutional in the first place.

The U.S. Supreme Court: Where Sausage is UnMade (in the U.S.A.)

The Supreme Court chamber was blocked off by a rope, but onlookers were permitted to look inside the court chamber and take pictures. As I looked around the empty chamber, all I could think of was the quote from Jon Stewart’s historical textbook, “America”:

“Jesus, what a sausage fest.” Sandra Day O’Conner ’83 (from John Stuart’s “America”)

Hillary’s “That’s for Me to Know and You to Find Out” Campaign Strategy

When asked on ABC News whether or not she thought homosexuality is “immoral,” Hillary took her husband’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” stance by not telling: "Well I'm going to leave that to others to conclude…”

Since this policy slogan has already been trademarked by the military, Hillary has officially adopted her own variation: Hillary’s ’08 “That’s for Me to Know and You to Find Out” Campaign Policy. For a policy that says nothing, this sure is a mouthful. Although, inside sources claim this is an abridged title of Hillary’s originally proposed title, but armed with a plethora of test market results, her campaign consultants managed to persuade the Political Diva to drop “…So Na-Na-Nana Boo Boo” from the tail end.

Using the following questions (addressed to Hillary), let’s put Hillary’s new policy to the test by answering every question with...

“That’s for Me to Know and You to Find Out”:

Why did you vote to authorize Bush to go to war in Iraq?

Who are you betting on in ’08?

Do you and Bill still sleep in the same bedroom?

What’s your new plan for health care reform?

Why is Karl Rove so obsessed with you?

Where on your website can I read up on where you stand on the issues?

…More Fallout:

"Is Homosexuality Immoral? Hillary: That’s For “Others To Conclude” (Crooks and Liars)

“Hillary Clinton Tries to Woo Voters by Rescinding Candidacy” (The Onion)

"Hillary's "Fuck You '07" Tour A Resounding Success" (Wonkette)

Political Fallout Unveils Major Political Announcement!

I, T.M. Lindsey, would like to inform you that after spending four days in Washington, D.C. and probing the nation’s underbelly, I will announce the fate of my political future sometime later this year – or not. I realize there’s been a great deal of speculation in and out of the blogsphere, regarding my aspirations and intent to make a presidential run in ’08. Now I realize I shouldn’t be daunted by a four-day preliminary exploratory expedition, but I’ve carefully weighed other factors before making my nonbinding decision to not make a decision.

Before the rumor mill spirals out of control, I would like to put a pre-emptive kibosh on some of the rumors and/or conspiracy theories regarding my potential presidential non-bid that have already surfaced and reared their ugly mugs. Off with your tyrannous heads, mes petite amis!

Alleged Rumors and Conspiracy Theories that have Surfaced Thus Far:

I’m modeling my non-campaign after the new and improved GOP maverick, Chuck Hagel

John McCain will bankroll my campaign when his campaign implodes in November -- of this year

I am the Fourth Rider of the Apocalypse (although, this has yet to be completely debunked)

A vast right-wing conspiracy to destroy my non-candidacy by jamming phone lines in Iowa and New Hampshire was spoiled when the FBI was busted for violating the Patriot Act and had to hand over phone records

For the past two years, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales has been coordinating a secret plan to keep me from running for what will be his boss’s old job

I would make a run if Hillary threw her name in the money pot (This is partially true, only I said I would follow Ralph Nader’s lead and make a run if Hillary won the Democrat nomination.)

Stay Tuned for Major Political Announcement!!!

A major political development has begun to unfold while visiting Washington, D.C. Stay tuned to Political Fallout, and I will make the announcement once all of the facts are clear and verified on my end...

D.C. Fallout: Probin’ the Political Underbelly (Part I)

Political Fallout Goes to Washington

How can I write a political satire blog without ever having been to our nation’s capitol? It’s easy: Google. Nonetheless, driven by pangs of guilt and yearnings for the truth -- for we all know “the Truth is STILL out there” -- I decided it was time to take a trip to D.C. and poke around. Albeit four days is barely enough time to scratch the underbelly of the political beast, but since I’m not traveling with a political proctologist, it’s probably best.

Thanks to the fog delays at O’Hare, I was stranded in Iowa and ended up losing a half-day scrape with the Nevermind. Although, this provided me with the opportunity to bone up on my research, which involved reading Sarah Vowell’s “Assassination Vacation.” Like most political decisions made in the heat of the moment, this probably wasn’t the best traveling companion, given the book’s title and the post-9/11 fear that has made its cancerous pilgrimage through the nation’s airports. Fortunately I made it through security with the book in my hand; apparently it was less threatening than a bottle of Evian water.

If you haven’t read Sarah Vowell’s “Assassination Vacation,” it’s an irreverent, yet obsessive foray into the assassinations of our presidents. Vowell chronicles her insights as she takes a theme-based road trip that relives the murders of our fallen presidents. While visiting all of the monuments yesterday, I fear Vowell’s voice had usurped the forefront of my mind as I tried imagining the times when these folks were alive. While walking through the FDR monument, reading all of his profound quotes chiseled on the walls, I couldn’t help but wonder: What profound words will be ascribed to President George W. Bush? “Bring it On!”?

After being stranded in Chicago, the fog eventually lifted, and I, still wearing the same smelly change of clothes, was D.C. bound. Just before boarding my plane, the airport’s Big Brother announced that the terror alert had been raised to “Orange.” What the hell is “Orange”? I can’t remember the primary color codes of terror, but I deduced that “Red” was the highest and “Orange” must be the second highest, since it’s a mere shade away. Normally, this wouldn’t have phased me, but since I was carrying “Assassination Vacation” and wearing a bright orange t-shirt, I was feeling a wee bit uneasy. Worse, a Dylan quote was splashed across my chest: “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.” In and of itself, this quote is perfectly harmless and quite profound, but it was also the quote that inspired the Weatherman, a fringe splinter group of the SDS (Students for a Democratic Society,) who attempted to bring the Vietnam War home by bombing places in the U.S. associated with building military weapons. Fortunately, reality trumped paranoia, given the fact that I was surround by a flock of sorority girls from Ball State, who were dressed in terry cloth leisure suits and stood by clutching their coveted hard copies of Janet Evanovich novels. I sensed all of these connections were lost on them.

Having managed to escape detection by Homeland Security, I boarded the plane for D.C., knowing that there’s a good chance my photo will be on file at O’Hare upon my return, assuming the Weatherman doesn’t blow in another layer of fog, stranding me in the nation’s underbelly, indefinitely.