Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Robot Heckles Bill Clinton on Behalf of Sister Souljah During Iowa Stop

Not everyone was happy to see Bill Clinton in Iowa City Tuesday night. Just as Clinton was about to hit his stride, an unidentified robot heckled the former president, who was playing the surrogate role while stumping for his wife, Hillary Clinton, at the Iowa Memorial Union on the University of Iowa campus.

Dressed as a contemporary robot reminiscent of Gort in the 1951 film “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (see pic below), the soon-to-be heckler mounted a chair on the media platform as if it was going to snap a picture of Clinton. The chair began to wobble a bit before fellow journalists offered support, not knowing at the time that they were aiding and abetting a future heckler.

Armed with a plastic microphone, the heckler, Mr. Ifobaca (Mad Robots in Favor of Bill Clinton Apologizing), made his demands:

“I want you to apologize to Sister Souljah!”

Trying to maintain his poise, Clinton initially fell into a sophomoric rebuttal: “Look, look into the mirror... ”

Clearly on a premeditated mission, Mr. Ifobaca began throwing dozens of multicolored slips of paper in the air, thus providing Clinton with the opportunity to recapture his wits and respond:

“You need to find a more responsible ways to protest than throwing graffiti around. “You can disagree with me without killing a tree.”

Most of the crowd laughed at Clinton’s quip (not because he said graffiti, when he meant to say confetti), but some were enraged by the disruption and began booing and yelling at Mr. Ifobaca. One woman, clearly a devout Hillraiser gauging by her Hillary flair adorning her blouse and matching jacket, began screaming at Mr. Ifobaca and waving her arms at the robot as if she intended to scratch his eyes out. Mr. Ifobaca, unperturbed by the woman, namely because he was wearing safety goggles for such occasions, was eventually escorted from the platform and ballroom by security.

After Mr. Ifobaca left, a Hillary Clinton team entered the media pit and made a mad scramble for the littered propaganda, making sure all the calling cards were collected before they fell into the wrong hands. The scene was reminiscent of the 1967 Abbie Hoffman stunt in which he and his fellow demonstrators threw fistfuls of dollars (most fake) down to traders on the New York Stock Exchange, some of whom booed, while others scrambled frantically to grab the money as fast as they could.

No charges were pressed against Mr. Ifobaca, who, unmasked, was not Klaatu, but rather Kembrew McLeod -- a tenured professor in the Communication Studies Department at the UI. McLeod, who has published four books on freedom of expression and intellectual property issues, has a documented history of committing pranks on his web site. McLeod is also a documentary filmmaker, including “Money for Nothing: Behind the Business of Pop,” which won the Rosa Luxemburg Award for Social Consciousness at the 2002 New England Film Festival.

McLeod, President of the Iowa Chapter of MR. IFOBCA has been on a mission for the last 15 years in an effort to get Clinton to apologize for “dissing Sister Souljah while happily accepting the honor of being America’s “'first black president,'” as novelist Toni Morrison once put it. In his manifesto, “Why did I bum rush Bill Clinton?,” Kembrew vows to continue sending an army of robots to all future Clinton appearances until he apologizes to Sister Souljah.

Kembrew made do on his vow Monday night, only Clinton did not reciprocate by publicly apologizing to Sister Souljah, the former member of the outspoken hip-hop group Public Enemy, a crew known for its pro-black politics.

Moreover, Kembrew makes the following claim on his manifesto:

The first time I fully realized Bill Clinton was not on the side of racial andsocial justice was after the “Sister Souljah Moment,” as it has come to be known in political circles. In a mean-spirited move—something straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook—Clinton tried to demonize a young Black woman named Sister Souljah by taking something she said out of context. Clinton did this to ingratiate himself with white upper-middle class swing voters during the 1992 presidential campaign, and he portrayed Sister Souljah as a reckless radical who advocated killing white people. This was patently false, and Bill Clinton knew it, but that didn’t stop him from cynically turning her into a sacrificial lamb that helped save his flagging campaign.

With less than a month left before the caucuses, the question remains whether McLeod or one of his robots will pop up on the campaign trail in Iowa.

Mr. Ifobca (alias Kembrew McLeod) is escorted out of the IMU by Clinton staffers, but vows to be back

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Breaking News: Clinton Endorses Clinton During Muscatine Dog-and-Pony Show

Iowans were surprised today when former President Bill Clinton hit the campaign trail in Muscatine, Iowa and endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for the coveted political nod: “The person I’d most likely want to go into a blizzard of adversaries until the last dog died.”

Dog-fighting adversaries, still reeling from the high-profile Michael Vick conviction, took note of Bill Clinton’s liberal use of dog-fighting metaphors and vowed to ramp up the anybody-but-Hillary voting contingency.

Hillary uses her powers of persuasion to convince Bill that she is well deserving of “The person I’d most likely want to go into a blizzard of adversaries until the last dog died” endorsement

In unrelated news, a spokesperson for Michelle Obama has indicated that Michelle, unphased by the recent Ophrah-endorsement bump, is leaning toward endorsing her husband Barack, but is holding off on her decision until she has met all of the candidates.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Democratic Candidates Endorse Biden, Sort of… (And Other Observations from the Campaign Trail in Iowa)

While watching the last three or four Democratic non-debates, I stopped counting after 100, I’ve noticed some distinct patterns emerge, one of which was the number of times Sen. Joe Biden’s competitors acknowledges the “Ears of Experience” candidate. Whether it be agreement or praise, the red flags kept popping up and it looks like I’m not alone. The Biden campaign seized on this and spliced together a medley of Biden’s political peeps piling on the kudos to the beat of Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me.”

“Candidates Agree: Joe is Right!”

While watching over the campaign trail in Iowa (Yes, Political Fallout has staffed its own “Big Brother” – not to be confused with Hillary Just Hillary’s Big Brother Tom Vilsack), I’ve noticed a number of other patterns and/or trends that have emerged along the dusted-up trail over time.

Let’s begin with the Democrats:

1. The candidates of CHANGE* are no longer painting themselves as the candidate of change with bold brush strokes.

*Candidate of Change: candidates who, while working in D.C., had an epiphany after being visited by the DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) Ghosts of Democracy Past, Present, and Future.

Besides, what change were they promising in the first place, a change form the past eight years of tyrannical despotism? Duh!

2. The Son of a Mill Worker was locked up in solitary confinement once the “War on Lobbyists” was officially declared.

3. Obama’s Wayne’s-World induced flashbacks to the definitive moment five years ago when he spoke out against an impending war on Iraq have been fewer and far between.

4. Hillary Just Hillary’s initial campaign theme, “Let’s Have a Conversation,” is still going strong -- only the dynamics have changed from Hillary having a discourse with paid staffers to Hillary having conversations with surrogates of paid staffers strategically planted in the crowd.

Now on to the Republicans:

1. Rudy Giuliani has managed to reign in his “9/11 Tourettes” to some degree, but as caucus night nears, the anxiety is bound to unleash a barrage of 9/11 episodes on the trail.

Rudy Giuliani’s “9/11 Tourettes” flared up while addressing NRA members:

2. While Tancredo had cornered the market on xenophobia, the GOP frontrunner in Iowa, Mitt Romney, illustrated why he's the "Turnaround Artist" when he usurped the “Beware of the Illegal Immigrant Under the Bed” crown, which was spearheaded by his fear-mongering Americana TV ads in Iowa.

3. As predicted, Fred Thompson’s best chance of winning the GOP nomination was not actually running or officially declaring his candidacy, and now that he’s running his poll numbers are sliding. Although three months have passed, and what do we really know about Fred, eh? What I would give to be a fly on the wall of Fred’s brain – preferably not the side where the campaign teleprompter projects empty rhetoric.

4. It looks like the GPS device on McCain’s “Straight Talkin’ Express” made the bus take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and has chosen to bypass Iowa on the road to the White House…parking lot.

Reported Missing in Action (MIA):

Democrats: Dennis Kucinich & Mike Gravel

Republicans: Duncan Hunter & Joe Lieberman

Monday, September 17, 2007

Reservoir Dems Plot Political Job at Harkin Panderfest

Six perfect strangers teamed up for the perfect political crime at the annual Tom Harkin Panderfest in Indianola: Steal back the White House and restore the U.S. Constitution.

From left to right: Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Nice Guy, Mr. Brown, and Mr. White

Not Pictured: Mr. Orange and Ms. Pink (she's on another job)

For full coverage of the political job pulled by the Reservoir Dems., go to the "Iowa Independent"-- the official news outlet for this year's Harkin Panderfest.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Nussle Officially Takes Financial Helm of Bush’s Sinking Ship

Generally speaking, padding your resume with the title of director of the White House Office of Management and Budget would be considered a vertical move for political climbers. Jumping aboard President Bush’s S.S. Lame Duck, however, may have dire political consequences for former Iowa Rep. Jim Nussle, who was officially sworn in as Bush’s budget chief Monday. While a number of those in Bush’s cabinet have bailed ship, Nussle has agreed to sign on to Bush’s crew.

As his administration attempts to navigate the shark-infested waters of bloodthirsty Democrats before next year’s fiscal budget begins, Bush has chosen to “stay the course” and steer the S.S. Lame Duck, full throttle, toward the iceberg, Iraq. Meanwhile, the Democrat-controlled Senate has approved only one of the 12 House-passed appropriation bills to fund the new fiscal year starting Oct. 1.

President Bush offers to hold Nussle's sports jacket as he prepares to walk obligatory plank on S.S. Lame Duck

Now, armed with the threat of Bush’s newly discovered weapon of choice, VETO, Nussle will have to negotiate the budget with top congressional Democrats. Bush has already threatened to veto some budgetary items bound to plunge his approval ratings even deeper into the abyss of forgotten presidents. Bush’s current approval ratings are hovering around 30 percent, but these should plummet as GOP leaders, one by one, continue abandoning the president, who has chained himself to the budgetary elephant in the room, the war in Iraq.

Using his Office of Management and Budget (OMB) to do his dirty business, Bush has already indirectly threatened to veto a Veterans Affairs funding bill that would give the Department of Veterans Affairs as much as $3.8 billion more than the Bush administration proposed in its budget.

“If Congress increases VA funding above the president’s request and does not offset this increase with spending reductions in other bills, the president will veto any of the other bills that exceed his request until Congress demonstrates a path to reach the president’s top line of $933 billion,” the OMB said in a July statement.

Rep. Chet Edwards, D-Texas, chairman of the House veterans affairs appropriations subcommittee, responded, “This bill is about respect and honors the promises made to our veterans with historic increases in funding to provide them the health care and benefits they earned when they put on our nation’s uniform.”

If shortchanging our veterans isn’t bad enough, Bush has also threatened to veto legislation that would renew the popular State Children’s Health Insurance Program, which provides health coverage to poor children. The Senate has proposed a $35 billion boost over the next five years for the program, but Bush’s budget calls for only $5 billion, contending he doesn’t want to further expand the government’s role in health insurance at the expense of private insurance.

Even Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, who strongly supported Nussle during his confirmation hearings, implored the president to rescind his veto threat in a joint statement with Sen. Orrin G. Hatch, R-Utah, warning the president that the Democrats might seek an expansion of $50 billion or more if there is no compromise.

"Tax legislation to expand health insurance coverage is badly needed, but there's no Democratic support for it in the SCHIP debate," said Grassley, the ranking Republican on the finance panel. "In the meantime, our SCHIP initiative in the Finance Committee takes care of a program that's about to expire in a way that's more responsible than current law and $15 billion less than the budget resolution calls for."

Grassley’s words fell on the president’s deaf ears, while the Ahab-inspired Bush fixates on the ubiquitous “War on Terror,” and his “stay the course” mentality in Iraq. Threatening to underfund wounded veterans and sick children makes one wonder: Who’s next? Senior citizens.

Enter Bush’s new messenger, OMB Director Nussle, whose job is deliver the Bush monetary mantra to Congress. Nussle has the unenviable task of trying to persuade Congress why they should scale back on domestic funding, while simultaneously convincing them why they should fund the money pit in Iraq. As he indicated in his swearing-in ceremony, Nussle has no plans of changing the president’s fiscal course and appears content with playing Bush’s rubber-stamp man.

"I believe government spending should be restrained and it should be transparent so taxpayers can see what results they are getting for their money," Nussle said, adding that he looks forward to advancing Bush's "pro-growth, low-tax policies that have strengthened our economy."

After soundly losing his 2006 gubernatorial bid in Iowa against Democrat rival Chet Culver (52 – 43 percent), Nussle’s political career appeared washed up. Nussle had abandoned his First-District seat in Iowa, which was usurped by Democrat Rep. Bruce Braley. During his political interim, Nussle took refuge as a consultant in Cedar Rapids, where he landed a consultant gig with Giuliani’s Iowa campaign.

Then along came Bush, who’s no stranger to appointing good 'ol boys who have been loyal to him. Not to mention, Bush has a soft spot for appointing those whose political careers have taken a nose dive. Take former Attorney General John Ashcroft, for example, whose career also appeared to be washed up when he lost his 2000 senatorial re-election bid in Missouri to a dead candidate, Mel Carnahan, who died in a tragic plane crash two weeks prior to the election.

And now Bush’s prodigal son, Nussle, has returned to the political nest in D.C. While other Bush appointees are jumping ship, citing a need to spend more time with family, or as was the case with former White House spokesman Tony Snow, to procure a job that makes more money.

Bush and Nussle swap deficit-spending jokes while sharing a limo ride on the tax payers' dime

Unfortunately, as Nussle sets sail with the S.S. Lame Duck, not only does he risk permanently drowning his own political career, but if he helps perpetuate Bush’s current fiscal policies, it’s the American people, who will ultimately suffer the consequences as we continue sinking our tax dollars into the monetary quagmire in Iraq. Although I imagine the Bush crew has mapped out its exit strategy for when the ship goes down, procuring enough life preservers for the wealthy folks on the upper deck, while the rest of us remain trapped in the lower decks as we fight for our lives, only to keep drowning in Bush’s sea of misguided fiscal policies.

Good luck, Mr. Nussle. P.S. Don’t forget to pack your PFD (personal floatation device) when leaving for D.C.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Gay Marriage in Iowa and the Pending Apocalypse

(Disclaimer: In no way, shape or listless form is this column intended to threaten the sanctity of marriage. No legal unions between men and women dissolved during the writing process. Nonetheless, some readers should proceed with caution if their faith in the sanctity of marriage is threatened by external forces such as the gay marriages of others, Village People songs at wedding receptions or literal translations of satiric parables. Keep in mind that the definition of satire is between satirists and their readers and should in no way be misconstrued by those who decry its very existence yet don't bother to read it. Such behavior will only serve to threaten the sanctity of satire, which in turn may lead to the end of the world as we know it.)

Upon hearing news of Polk County Judge Robert Hanson’s ruling smiting Iowa’s prohibition on same-sex marriage, I grabbed my well-thumbed copy of James Dobson’s “Marriage Under Fire,” hopped in my Sin City getaway car, and fled Des Moines before God had a chance to destroy the capital city with fire and brimstone. I had to reach moral high ground before it was too late. While crossing the county line, I was tempted to look back and steal one final glimpse of the capital city aflame.

But when I looked in the rear-view mirror, I felt disappointed. A firestorm had not consumed my place of birth; I had not turned into a pillar of salt. My wavering doubts in the sanctity of marriage slowly gave way to doubts about the moral prophets of doom, who have predicted that gay marriage not only will destroy the sanctity of marriage and the moral fiber of our society but also will serve as a precursor to the apocalypse.

Upon hearing Judge Hanson's ruling on same-sex marriage, the Lone Rider of the Apocalypse armed himself with throwing knives in order to protect his heterosexual marriage, which ended abruptly in divorce in 2002.

In his “Marriage Under Fire” manifesto, Dobson argues that same-sex marriage will bring about the end of the world: “The culture war will be over, and the world may soon become ‘as it was in the days of Noah.’” Dobson, chairman of the board of “Focus on the Family,” reiterated that theme in October 2004 when he asserted that allowing same-sex couples to wed would not only “destroy marriage. It will destroy the earth.”

One week later…

Des Moines is still standing, 21 gay couples are still married (although their licenses are now pending), and not a single heterosexual couple has reportedly filed for divorce on the grounds that gay marriage has ruined their union. Meanwhile, the moral meteorologists have lifted the fire and brimstone warnings, for now, since the window of opportunity for gay couples to marry in Polk County quickly slammed shut last Friday -- when Hanson agreed to suspend his day-old ruling.

The institution of marriage has managed to survive despite countless divorces and annulments, but those on the far right want us to believe that gay marriage will be the one thing that shreds the moral fiber of America. Speaking of unraveling, when Sen. David Vitter, R-La., was running for office in 2004, he warned about the toll gay marriage would have on our society in a statement on “Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage”: "The Hollywood left is redefining the most basic institution in human history.”

But this was nothing compared to Vitter’s off-color joke comparing the impact of gay marriage to the devastation wrought by hurricanes Katrina and Rita. "Unfortunately, it's the crossroads where Katrina meets Rita,” Vitter said while speaking at a Lafayette Parish Republican Executive Committee luncheon. "I always knew I was against same-sex unions."

This was all before Vitter’s name appeared on the “D.C. Madam’s” phone list and the lawmaker was accused of solicitation of a prostitute, which I believe I heard Dr. Phil once say is a threat to the sanctity of marriage. Vitter apologized for the incident and took full responsibility for his sins, thus cleansing him of wrongdoings. It appears adultery is forgivable but homosexuality remains damnable. Speaking of which, there is a component of our society that believes once gay marriage is legalized, the sky will fall:

The Sky Fell on these American Christians…

…the moment they opened their mouths and tried to string together a coherent line of logical analysis. Mark Twain said it best: “It’s better to be the fool and remain silent, then open your mouth and remove all doubt.” If these folks are God’s foot soldiers, He may want to consider reinstituting the draft.

Cue R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World”

It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
Originally posted on "Iowa Indpendent"

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Political Fallout’s Mitt Romney Ames Straw Poll Predictions

Money can’t buy you “Big Love,” but it can buy you a formerly Iowa-GOP sponsored Straw Poll victory in Iowa. Given the amount of money and family members Romney has poured into this weekend’s Straw Poll in Ames, he should have naming rights for this year’s fundraising extravaganza: The Mitt Romney Ames Straw Poll (unless of course Marvin Pomerantz has anything to say aout it.)
Feeding off his sponsorship of this year's Ames Straw Poll fundraiser, Mitt Romney has already begun the merchandising component of his campaign's business plan. Romney unveiled the Mitt Romney bobble-head doll at the Iowa River and Power Company Wednesday in Iowa City.
Not to mention, Romney reportedly has chartered over 100 buses that he’s filled with prostituted voters (I say this with apprehension, given my mom is one of these alleged prostitutes…) and has paid for their trip, the $35 ticket, and food. Brownback has supposedly matched Romney with 100 chartered buses, while Huckabee failed to get on the bus early and was too late in chartering buses for the event. Meanwhile, rumor has it that Tancredo contracted the Texas Minutemen to ride up north and deliver voters to the Hilton Coliseum via horseback.

So predicting Romney will “win” the Straw Poll would be like predicting the well-financed Steinbrenner New York Yankees would win the ’98 World Series. Besides, with Romney’s commanding lead in the Iowa polls (followed closely by “I don’t know”), he has nothing to gain, much like the Iowa Hawkeye football team has nothing to gain by adding Western Michigan to the end of this year’s schedule.

That said, let’s look at the race for second:

Brownback and Huckabee are competing for the social conservative vote, and this may end up splitting the vote, but the nod goes to Brownback. After all, he claims to be God’s Senator, and the God-fearing Christian Right cannot risk taking any chances here voting against Brownback – you know, just in case it’s true. Call it spiritual insurance, if you -- or God will.

The Ron Paul Revolution should be in full force, but how much of this force will be qualified to vote in the Straw Poll remains to be seen. Paul could finish anywhere from second to last, but the safe bet is fourth, while the risk-takers (i.e. Ron Paul Revolutionaries) may gamble and bet on Paul to show.

Tancredo should be able to whip up the xenophobic crowd, which takes no pains to closet their spite against illegal immigrants. I didn’t realize illegal immigrants posed such a threat to Western Iowa, which is fairly depopulated and primarily farmland. I thought the point of leaving your family indefinitely and risking your life by crossing the border was to make more money – not less by stealing farmers’ jobs. Drawing from his fervent gun-show base, Tancredo should lead the second tier.

Tommy Thompson and Duncan Hunter have already packed their bags and booked their flights. Thompson said he would drop out if he didn’t finish first or second. Have a safe trip home, Tommy.

So here’s the final scorecard*:

1. Mitt Romney
2. Sam Brownback
3. Mike Huckabee
4. Ron Paul
5. Tom Tancredo
6. Tommy Thompson
7. Duncan Hunter

*Not including the non-participants, Giuliani and McCain, nor the White Knights of the GOP, who are sitting on the sidelines before they announce their intention to rescue the Republican Party (Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrich).

More important, here are the real winner of this year’s Mitt Romney Ames Straw Poll:

1. The Iowa GOP – which stands to raise over a million dollars for their fundraiser

2. The Bus Charter Companies (including the out-of-state charter buses Brownback has pimped out to Iowa)

3. Ames – their numbers should do well against the State Fair in Des Moines
4. My Mom -- for scoring an all-expense paid trip to Ames on Romney's dime
5. The Ron Paul Revolution -- win or lose, these folks know how to have fun

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Romney's Sons Surge to Support Him, Not Troops

Last Friday I wrote a commentary piece on the “Iowa Independent” about GOP Hawk hypocrisy. At the end of my commentary, I questioned Romney’s call for a “surge of support,” while his strapping sons drive around Iowa in a 30-foot Winnebago raising more money for his campaign – not the troops.

Yesterday in Bettendorf, Rachel Griffiths, a member of the Quad City Progressive Action for the Common Good, as well as the sister of an Army major who had served in Iraq, asked Mitt about this during an “Ask Mitt Anything”:

Griffith’s question and Mitt’s justification of his son’s call to his duty have taken off in the national media. "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."

Here’s the original commentary, “Wanted: GOP Hawks to Sacrifice Themselves for War,” posted on the “Iowa Independent”:

(Commentary) I honestly believe that I was born with irony and hypocrisy radar chips embedded in my cerebral cortex. And nothing sets the radar off more than a civilian hawk, especially one who vehemently calls for war yet is unwilling to donate, sacrifice, or spill his own blood or that of his loved ones in support of the cause.

My first face-to-face encounter with a hypocritical hawk took place in Jan. 1991 at the onset of the first Gulf War. I was a full-time student at the University of Iowa at the time, and I was also in the Army’s IRR ( Inactive Ready Reserves), meaning I could get called back into active duty should Bush Sr. decide my services were needed. I had already completed my active duty service, but as is the case with every soldier who enlists, I had to finish fulfilling my eight-year contract with Uncle Sam. I was feeling conflicted about the notion of having to leave school and return to the Army. I felt as if my life was moving forward and the military chapter of my life had closed behind me.

One snow-covered January day before the spring semester had begun, I was on my way to the University of Iowa book store when I heard shouting at the UI Pentacrest. A group of protestors had gathered to protest President Bush’s Jan. 15 midnight ultimatum and subsequent bombing of Saddam’s troops in Kuwait. Ironically, the shouts weren’t coming from the sign-wielding protestors, but rather, a group of counter protestors. Not only were the counter protestors yelling obscenities, but they were also throwing snowballs at the protestors.

I approached one of the ringleaders who had just heaved a tightly packed snowball at his intended target, while simultaneously yelling, “Support our troops you pussy commies!” When I asked him what was going on, the young twenty-something informed me that he was part of the UI College Republicans, and they were sick and tired of those damn hippies undermining our troops. “Besides, we have just as much right to exercise our free speech as they do.”

“Does exercising your free speech always involve throwing snowballs?” I asked.

“Why do you care?” he responded while his cohorts fired another round of snowballs.

“Just curious, that’s all,” I said.

“I support our troops, and that’s all that matters. They should be supporting them too,” he said.

“By support, do you mean you’re enlisting?”

“You mean join the military?”


“I don’t have time to join right now. I’m in college, and I need to finish up here before I think about doing anything else.”

“I see,” I said.

As I walked away, I could hear the shouts fade in the background as thoughts of having to abandon college and go serve in Kuwait invaded the forefront of my mind. While walking to the bookstore, I pondered a quote from, “The Things They Carried,” a book by Vietnam veteran Tim O’Brien who wrote, “There should be a law, I thought. If you support a war, if you think it’s worth the price, that’s fine, but you have to put your own precious fluids on the line. You have to head for the front and hook up with an infantry unit and help spill the blood. And you have to bring along your wife, or your kids, or your lover. A law, I thought.”

This got me thinking about today’s metaphorical “War on Terror.” Since the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have yet to be officially declared by Congress, it’s only fitting that Congress pass legislation that institutes an Undeclared Draft---possibly adding it to the 22nd amendment. Here’s a working draft of the bill, The Undeclared Draft Act, which I crafted on Dec. 6, 2006 in response to Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, who called for an additional 100,000–150,000 troop surge in Iraq and Afghanistan:

Congress, during times of Undeclared War, shall have the right to institute or reinstitute an Undeclared Draft. Using a lottery system, persons eligible for the Undeclared Draft will be randomly selected from a pool comprised of anyone over the age of 18 who supports any military actions ordered during a time of Undeclared War. The pool will also be extended to include anyone whose mother or father is an elected official and supports, whether it be directly or indirectly, said military actions.

Sounds fair to me, but I’m not sure this would bode well with the hawk-infested political community, especially considering most of their sons and daughters are serving tours on college campuses, while unrelated troops are serving multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The grenade, however, doesn’t fall far from the hawk’s desk, for they’ve managed to breed the same hawk-like hypocrisies into their children. In his documentary-style video, “Generation Chickenhawk: The Unauthorized College Republican Convention Tour,” Max Blumenthal documents the next generation of Republican hawks and their hypocritical mentality when it comes to actually supporting the war.

After visiting Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery on July 13, 2007, Blumenthal headed across the street to the College Republican National Convention.

In conversations with at least twenty College Republicans about the war in Iraq, I listened as they lip-synched discredited cant about "fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here." Many of the young GOP cadres I met described the so-called "war on terror" as nothing less than the cause of their time.

Yet when I asked these College Repulicans why they were not participating in this historical cause, they immediately went into contortions. Asthma. Bad knees from playing catcher in high school. "Medical reasons." "It's not for me." These were some of the excuses College Republicans offered for why they could not fight them "over there." Like the current Republican leaders who skipped out on Vietnam, the GOP's next generation would rather cheerlead from the sidelines for the war in Iraq while other, less privileged young men and women fight and die.

"Generation Chickenhawk: The Unauthorized College Republican Convention Tour"

Generation Chickenhawk: The Unauthorized College Republican Convention Tour from huffpost and Vimeo.

The other day I received an e-mail message from Mitt Romney, who’s calling for a “surge of support” to go along with the recent troop surge in Iraq. In doing so, Romney attacked the Democrats’ allegiences towards the troops:

While some Democrats in Congress say they support the troops who are making these sacrifices, many don’t support the work they are doing to make the surge a success.

By troop support, Romney means visiting and/or joining an organization that sends supplies, care packages and other moral boosters over to our deployed troops. This is great, but nowhere in his plan does Romney indicate that we should support our returning veterans as well or support Jim Webb’s congressional measure that would give our troops more down time upon their return before redeployment.

Nor does Romney, who has been blessed with five strapping sons, suggest supporting our troops with fresh meat from his own familial den of young military hawks. I received a campaign e-mail yesterday from Josh, one of Romney’s sons, who has been cruising around Iowa in his dad’s 30-foot Winnebago in an effort to raise support for his dad’s Ames Straw Poll.campaign.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Jesus Told Tom Tancredo to Bomb Mecca?

Somebody who feels compelled to publicly announce they’ve found Jesus and made Him his personal savior makes me really nervous, especially if that somebody is a politician running for office. (e.g. George W. Bush)

During the GOP debate in Des Moines this past Sabbath Day, the candidates were asked to confess a defining mistake in their lives and why. Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo stepped up to the plate and swung for the Holy fence.

Tancredo’s Defining Mistake: “It took me 30 years before I realized Jesus Christ is my personal savior.”

Now, I realize that people confess they found Jesus as a means of whiting out any moral ambiguities, indiscretions, and/or mistakes they may have made in the past, but this is not what really scares me. It’s what they do after they publicly announce their new relationship with Jesus Christ in front of a nationally televised audience that sends apocalyptic shivers down my spine.

Tancredo is no exception to this post-I-found-Jesus-and-made-him-my-personal-savior phenomenon. Similar to Bush Jr., I’m fairly certain Tancredo hasn’t read the "Dummy’s Guide to Making Jesus Your Own Personal Savior" from cover to cover.

Better yet, Tancredo may want to revisit (or visit assuming he hasn’t read it) the “Old Testament” before joining a book club with Jesus. So when Tancredo made Jesus his personal savior, was it a two-way street? I’m wondering if Jesus had any say in the matter, but the point is really moot, since Jesus loves and accepts all mankind—yes, even Tancredo.

A spiritual source with Political Fallout did manage to intercept a memo sent from Jesus to Tancredo under the newly adopted FISA guidelines -- which permits the government to intercept messages from any entities outside the United States (i.e. Heaven) that are deemed a threat to American Imperialism and the spread of Democracy.

TO: Rep. Tom Tancredo, R.-Colo.
FROM: Jesus, Savior of Mankind
DATE: 8-6-07
SUBJECT: Personal Savior Status

Dear Tom,

While watching the GOP debate on the day set aside for praising my father and only my father, it came to my attention that you had found Me and made Me your personal savior. Although flattered, I don’t recall making this pact and after combing through my files, I found no record of you finding Me. Maybe you could help out by refreshing my memory and letting me know the precise date I became your personal savior. Hopefully, there’s just been a bureaucratic lapse on our end. You’d be amazed how many things get lost through the bureaucratic cracks up here. I mean, how else do you think Bush got elected not once, but twice?

Another thing, if our records do indicate that you have achieved saved status, I’d suggest you read my biography, “The New Testament,” so I know we’re on the same page. (After all, in this modern age of marketing and product branding, I do have to protect my image and how it’s used.) For example, there’s the bit about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Well, Tom, I really meant those words. They weren’t meant to be taken at a literal level, meaning just love the folks on your street or in your neighborhood. Rather, I was speaking metaphorically and by neighbors, I meant mankind. Comprende, Senor Tancredo?

So, if we’re going to continue our relationship, I want you to promise me that you’ll stop treating your neighbors to the south like sub-humans who are hell bent on coming to your country to destroy your way of life by killing every one in their path. This is no way to treat my dad’s creations. If he gets a whiff of this, there will be hell to pay. Oh, and please stop threatening to blow up Mecca and other holy shrines to serve as a deterrent to war. Trust me, there are other ways to deter war, but I’m sure you’ve familiarized yourself with these teachings when you read my biography.

Like I said, I’ll look into my files for records indicating your saved status. In the meantime, be sure to send us a record of when you found Me, so my staff can update our records up here.

Love Always,


P.S. As a gesture for considering Me to be your personal savior, I would like to send you one of my bumper stickers. I’ll send you your choice of the ever-popular “W.W.J.D?,” “What Would Jesus Bomb?” (BTW, I’m being ironic here, Tom: LOL:) or my personal favorite “Look Busy, Jesus is Coming.” Just let me know in your daily prayers, and I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

On Behalf of His Sugar Mama, Vilsack’s Workin’ Barack Obama

  • With Greenwood Elementary School lurking in the backdrop, Hillary announces her $400,000 adoption of Tom Vilsack in exchange for his endorsement
Nobody messes with Vilsack’s Sugar Mama, not even you, Barack Obama.

In light of the recent fallout from the CNN/YouTube Democrat non-debate, in which Hillary and Obama disagreed on how they would handle diplomacy with rogue leaders (not including President Bush, whose “executive privalege” disqualifies him from rogue status), Clinton sicked her attack dog/benefactor on Obama today. Speaking on behalf of his political Sugar Mama, Vilsack told reporters on a phone conference that he was disappointed with Obama, citing discrepancies in some of Obama’s recent statements.:
“I would hope the senator would clarify his comments as to whether or not he is for preconditions or not and would cease and desist from distorting the record and comments of Senator Clinton.”
Cease and desist? Looks like Tommy Boy took no time reverting to his lawyerin’ days with such threatening legal jargon. Personally, I think Vilsack should have sent Obama a note saying:

Hey Barack,

You better stop messin’ with my Sugar Mama if you know what’s good for you. I don’t care what anybody says, sticks and stones do break bones. If you fail do cease and desist from attacking my Sugar Mama, I’ll have no choice but to settle this the old fashioned way at a bike rack of your choice. Just you and me, and don’t even think about trying any of that diplomacy stuff with me, smart guy. Or I’ll have the lean mean DLC propaganda machine spinning you into political oblivion before you know what hit you.

Tom Vilsack
Hillary’s Benefactor

By the way, Hillary Just Hillary, my offer regarding the Political Fallout endorsement still stands. For a mere $100,000, Political Fallout will officially endorse your candidacy. The Fallout bump should be enough to help deliver Iowa. Please contact me via e-mail to convey your wishes. I will not cease nor desist in my quest for your endorsement to endorse you in exchange for a mere pittance of your campaign war chest.

In the meantime, I’d like to give a shout out to Hillary and the other Sugar Mama’s out there in blogland:

Sugar Mama

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Iraqi Government Placed on Double-Secret Probation

Upon release of the Initial Benchmark Assessment Report, President Bush, the self-proclaimed "Dean of Democracy," slammed the velvet hammer down on Prime Minister Maliki and his boys, placing them on “double-secret probation.” Although the Iraqi government received “satisfactory” grades on eight of the 18 benchmarks at midterm, Maliki and his minions received “unsatisfactory” marks on eight of the remaining benchmarks, thus prompting a raised eyebrow and “tsk, tsk” from Dean Bush.
"God I hate benchmarks."
The Iraqi government has until Sept. 15 to get its grades up, or else…

Or else Congress will have to step in and revoke their Democratic fraternal chapter.

So how did the Iraqi government respond to its double-secret probation status and the looming Sept. 15 non-deadline?

“Toooo-ga! Tooo-ga! Too-ga! To-ga! Toga! Toga! Toga!”

Toga party? Maybe not, but the Iraqi parliament has decided to take August off, which is completely understandable if you were to ask Dean Bush’s press secretary Tony Snow, who said sympathetically, “You know, it's 130 degrees in Baghdad in August.”

The Iraqi parliment gathers for final days of partying before taking August off

Snow was reminded during the press conference held in the air-conditioned White House press room that the U.S. troops will be fighting throughout August in the same 130-degree heat. Snow responded to this keen observation, “You know, that’s a good point.”

You know, that’s two “you knows” in a row for Tony Snow. Maybe it’s time to evaluate Snow’s public speaking benchmarks, you know.

No worries, Maliki and the boys of parliament will still have two weeks to cram in and show progress towards the eight unsatisfactory benchmarks.

That’s plenty of time to pass an oil-revenue-sharing law, enact and implement legislation on de-Ba’athification reform and ensure the equitable distribution of hydrocarbon resources to all of the Iraqi people, establish a provincial elections law and provincial council authorities, establish a date for provincial elections, enact and implement legislation establishing a strong militia disarmament program to ensure that such security forces are accountable only to the central government and loyal to the constitution of Iraq, provide Iraqi commanders with all authorities to execute this plan, ensure that Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law, increase the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently, ensure that Iraq’s political authorities are not undermining or making false accusations against members of the ISF and prepare local elections to help reconcile the country’s Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish factions.

Remember, the Iraqi government only has to show progress on these benchmarks, not accomplish any of the objectives spelled out by the U.S. Congress. That’s objective -- O-B-J-E-C-T-I-V-E.

Speaking of objectives, had the Iraq government been held to the same accountability measures spelled out in the No Child Left Behind Act, the U.S. government would have already stepped in and taken over government operations, assuming of course this has not already happened. Under the provisions of NCLB, or in this case, “No Civilian Left Behind,” the U.S. government would provide each Iraqi citizen a $2,000 voucher to transfer to another country of their choice. Furthermore, the United States would stop pumping more money into Iraq’s government until it has successfully shown that it’s reached the benchmarks and/or completely closed the Democracy gap.

The same could be said about Dean Bush and holding his administration accountable in regard to its Iraq war policies. The only problem, however, is that enforcement of the No Civilian Left Behind Act in the United States would be unenforceable, because, thanks to all the money spent on the war in Iraq, it would be just another unfunded mandate.

So until Sept. 15, when Gen. David Petraeus delivers his progress report on the Iraqi government’s progress toward achieving the congressional benchmarks, Maliki and the boys should heed one word of advice during their summer vacation in August: TOGA!

Originally Posted on "Iowa Independent"

Friday, July 6, 2007

Anything but the E-word: a Political Cautionary Tale

Just when you thought it was safe to support a presidential candidate based upon irrational factors such as qualifications, job experience, shared ideologies and values, the E-word reared its divisive little head. No, I’m not talking about evil or exit polls, but something far more dangerous to the electoral psyche: electability. There, I said it, but out of fear of saying it again, thus feeding its power, I will not say it again.

During the 2004 presidential election, the E-word managed to single-handedly destroy Democratic voters and their ability to think for themselves. And now, four years later, the political tables have turned as the E-word has seeped its way into GOP waters. As the second-quarter filing deadline neared last week, U.S. Sen. John McCain’s campaign manager sent out an e-mail soliciting donations from supporters, providing them with one reason to support McCain: "John McCain is the only candidate who can defeat Hillary Clinton.” Campaign manager Terry Nelson helped drive home this fear at the end of the message: “Please also pass this message along to your friends and family to remind them of the stakes in this election.” I assume by stakes he meant Clinton winning the nomination.

I imagine McCain’s rivals might have other ideas about this, not to mention Clinton’s Democratic rivals. Nonetheless, McCain’s stoking of the GOP base’s “Anybody but Hillary” fire is reminiscent of the “Anybody but Bush” mental quagmire that ensnared the Democrats in 2004, which ultimately devoured their chances of winning when they nominated Mr. Electable, John Kerry, who wasn’t so electable after all.

The question is how, when and why did the E-word pop into presidential politics. The short answers are Karl Rove, 2003, and to help get George W. Bush re-elected. I cannot prove that Rove was the mastermind behind injecting the E-word into the Democrats' camp, but it has the makings of a great theory in the mystical realm of political science.

Granted, I don’t have a well-financed think tank to gather selective evidence and conduct polls guaranteed to prove my theory, but I do have a hunch. And the last time I checked, hunches were free, unless they’re espoused by political consultants, who get paid well to be wrong. Just ask Bob Shrum, the Democrats' consultant whose abysmal 0-7 track record has yet to wield a winning presidential candidate, including his latest casualty, John Kerry. Besides, Rove plays a great Wizard of D.C., regardless of what levers he does or does not pull behind the political curtain.

Just before the 2004 Iowa Caucuses, the Democrats had been stricken with fear and had already succumbed to the “Anybody but Bush” mentality. The E-word consumed all of the other issues as the Democrats faced an identity crisis. Consequently, a number of Iowans went to the caucuses and voted for Kerry, despite the fact he was not their number one choice. I lost count of the number of times I heard voter say to me, “I really want ‘your preferred candidate here’ to win, but I think John Kerry has the best chance of beating Bush.” (Rove’s sinister laugh here as he pulls the E-word lever down.)

After caucus night, I put my hypothesis to the test when I attended to the 2nd District Democratic convention in southern Iowa. Throughout the day, I asked as many Kerry delegates as I could to give me three reasons why they or I should vote for Kerry. Most of Kerry’s supporters responded like robots, as if they had been transformed into a Rovian Stepford Voter: “Must beat Bush…Must beat Bush.” Any signs of reason had been replaced by vacant stares. It was at this point I knew there was something more to the E-word.

Regardless of the E-word’s origins, the fact remains that it did become an integral part of the voter psyche, handicapping Democrats as they raced to the middle and tried to go toe-to-toe with Republicans on their own turf. Instead of focusing on why their nominee should win the presidency, the Democrats’ strategy was to focus on why the GOP nominee should not win.

And now, with less than six months remaining until the Iowa Caucuses, the E-word has manifested in the GOP who, like the Democrats in ’04, are facing an identity crisis as they search for a candidate. Without a clear Democratic nominee, the Republican Party is shoring up its base by setting its sights on defeating the presumed front-runner, Clinton. Democrats aren’t immune to this as presidential hopefuls gear up for winning the party nomination. John Edwards, an E-word casualty in ’04, has already dropped the E-word in Iowa, proclaiming he is the best candidate positioned to win swing states and the general election.

The best way to eradicate the E-word from public political discourse is for voters to stop listening to the exterior voices and to pay attention to the voices inside their own heads. Granted, this is no easy task when the media keep perpetuating the presidential horse race with a bullhorn and pundits handicap the candidates, prognosticating like college football analysts.

In a society that usually champions underdogs, we’re quick to dismiss second- and third-tier presidential candidates, and are willing to sacrifice idealism for pragmatism. But who knows, maybe one day the Stepford Voters will be reprogrammed to think and speak for themselves: “Must vote conscience…Must vote conscience.”

Until then, I think I’ll adopt the “Anybody but me” mindset to help me decide whom I’ll vote for on the night of the Iowa Caucuses.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Billary Tuesday: Two Clintons for the Price of One

Growing up within walking distance of a Taco Johns “restaurant” was dangerous for more than the obvious reasons. Nicknamed “Toxic Juans,” me and my high school chums made a “runs for the border” every Tuesday to celebrate Taco Tuesday. Why only Tuesday? That was the only day I could afford to eat there on my daily food allowance. (Note: ice water was free.) Taco Tuesday has become a mainstay of Midwest Americana, so much so that the two-word phrase has been trademarked by Taco Johns.

The lean, mean Democratic Leadership Corporation branding machine begins branding the Clinton name in Iowa
Good thing, for it looks like the Clintons have begun tapping into the product branding foundation built up by President Bill Clinton in the ‘90s. Hillary Just Hillary started branding Hillary at the beginning of her campaign, but it was only a matter of time before the political branding and marketing efforts merged together.

Nonetheless, the Clinton’s product placement of Bill in Iowa this week should help solidify the merger for retail political consumers. The key for Hillary Just Hillary, as in any other marketing campaign, is to make sure that Bill’s branding doesn’t consume Hillary. This would be the equivalent of the Donkey Just Donkey in Shrek overshadowing Shrek’s ubiquitous green ogre image in consumer land. Only in the Clinton’s case, the opposite holds true, for Bill is Shrek -- so Hillary Just Hillary better be careful when it comes to branding the Clinton name. Like Taco Johns, political consumers may not be so willing to digest both Clintons come Caucus Day in Iowa.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

JibJab’s “Star Spangled Banner” Breaks Fallout’s Top 5 List

Monday night I stayed up to watch Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” just to see Michael Moore and hear him talk about his new film, “Sicko.” (Note: Health Care is THE reason I entered the political arena in 2000.) Hopefully, his new film will turn people’s heads, but noT too far, because most HMO and private insurance policies don’t cover injuries due to rubbernecking and/or sticker shock. Trust me, I found out the hard way.

Before Moore’s appearance, Leno played JibJab’s video of 20th century presidents singing the “Star Spangled Banner.” The splicing, a perfect homage to Michael Moore’s splicing of stock political footage, takes words from the president’s mouths and strings them together to sing the “Star Spangled Banner” in its entirety.

JibJab’s “Star Spangled Banner”

By the end of the second commercial brake, JibJab’s version had already moved up to second on my list of all-time favorite renditions of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

What are the remaining versions, you ask? Rounding out Political Fallout’s top 5 renditions of “The Star Spangled Banner” are as follows:

No. 5: Rosanne Barr’s “Star Spangled Banner”

No. 4: Canadian Caroline Marcil’s “Star Mangled Banner”

No 3: Hillary Clinton’s “Star Spangled Banner” in Des Moines

No 2: JibJab’s Star Spangled Banner (see above)

No 1: Jimi Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner (Woodstock)

Powered by AOL Video

Thank God for Hendrix, or is it the other way around? Either way, I had to inject some sense of dignity back into “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Note: Marvin Gaye’s version had been disqualified from the running, because whenever I hear it, all I think about sex. Having seen “Dr. Stangelove: Or I How Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” on numerous occasions, I’ve come to realize that sex and politics don’t mix.

(Warning: Watch at your own discretion. Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for any more children born out of wedlock.)

Marvin Gaye’s “Star Spangled Banner” (NBA Finals Game)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Edwards’ Campaign Launches Pre-emptive Excuse Strikes

Why's everybody always pickin' on me?

With only five days remaining until the FEC’s QRF-Day (that’s Quarterly Report Filing Day for those of you who don't have the campaign finance lingo "down"), it appears the John Edwards campaign is concerned about its war-chest intake. The Edwards’ campaign set a $9 million goal for this quarter, but as of yesterday, they’re $2 million shy of their mark.

To help soften the blow on QRF-Day, the Edwards campaign has been sending out messages that blame the Washington establishment and their media pawns (including the New York Times) for John’s fund-raising woes.

Strike 1: "Obscene Money Game or Policies that Matter?" (e-mail message received on Jun. 23 from Joe Trippi, the Edwards' Campaign)

But while thousands of people are building up this campaign, the Washington establishment is trying to write us out of the race. And their reason? They say it's MONEY - they don't think we are raising an obscene enough amount. But the truth is, they don't want people to hear what John Edwards is saying, because it will mean the end of big money's stranglehold over our government.
Strike 2: "Haircuts and Hatchet Jobs" (e-mail message received on Jun. 25 from Jonathan Prince, John Edwards' Deputy Campaign Manager)

The whole Washington establishment wants our campaign to go away, because they know that John Edwards means the end to business as usual. The Washington lobbyists and PACs don't want us to win because John is the only candidate who has never taken money from them. The political mercenaries and the chattering class don't want us to win because they can't imagine a president who doesn't play by their rules. And you can bet that the big corporate interests—from the insurance companies to the drug companies to the oil companies—don't want us to win because John has been taking on special interests his entire life. So they attack him—personally.

It's classic—they don't want the American people to hear the message, so they attack the messenger. They call him a hypocrite because he came from nothing, built a fortune while standing up for regular people during some of their toughest times, and—heaven forbid!—he has the nerve to remember where he came from and still care passionately about guaranteeing every family the opportunities he had to get ahead.
Strike 3: "The Right Wing's Worse Nightmare" (e-mail message received on Jun. 26 from Joe Trippi, the Edwards' Campaign)

Yesterday, Jonathan told you that the folks who benefit from the status quo are attacking John personally because they don't want the country to hear his message. And you know what happened when we called them out? The attacks started pouring in. That same day, the Ann Coulter-wannabe Michelle Malkin blasted John on her blog. Fox News has been bashing him around the clock. And Coulter herself said, "if I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot."
Meanwhile, these pre-emptive excuse strikes have been unleashed with simultaneous pleas for more money embedded in them.

“We have 7 days to reach $9 million and every dollar counts. Please give what you can.”

“Please do what you can today to help take the next bold step for real change.”

“It's up to all of us to do our part. I (Edwards’ Campaign Manager Jonathan Prince) just gave $100—can you please give whatever you can afford today?”

In response to the Edwards’ Campaign “please give us” letters, it looks like I have no other option but to exacerbate the perpetual “War on Excuses” with another installment of “Please Excuse the Excuses: A Series of Excuse Letters”

Dear Friends/Contributors,

Please excuse John for not quite living up to the money expectations of the other candidates this quarter. He’s been under a lot of pressure at home, and to be quite frank with you, the Washington establishment has not made life easy for John. Our John has always shied away from these folks, and now they’ve taken it upon themselves to pick on him because he won’t play their D.C. games. This is really hard for us to believe. John has always received high marks for playing well with others, and we can’t understand why they would single John out for attacks. This political bullying needs to stop, for it’s taking a serious toll on John’s ability to raise more money.

As you well know, John grew up the son of a mill worker and has always had the ability to surpass financial expectations, but the Washington establishment and the media are dampening John’s spirits. Just last night, when John and Elizabeth were on “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno, you could see that John wasn’t his usual self. While talking to Leno, his million-dollar smile felt more like a $100,000-smile at best. Not to mention, he’s had to resort to humor as a coping mechanism to help mask the pain inflected upon him by the Washington establishment-controlled media. We’re not sure how many more haircut jokes John can tell before he simply cracks.

It’s in this spirit that we’re writing to you. We hope you can help save John from cracking under pressure from these attacks. $2 million dollars should suffice to help seal the cracks, for now anyway. Please send us anything and everything you can spare to help us fight these big bullies. Don’t worry, if you have to pawn some things now, it will be well worth it when John takes the White House back and sticks up for people like you. So we’re asking you, for John’s sake, to send us whatever you can. Pretty, pretty, please with sugar on top…

Concerned Parents
Joe Trippi and
Jonathan Prince
Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Monday, June 25, 2007

GOP Hoefuls Hit on Hot-Button Issues?

The "Cedar Rapids Gazette" (online edition) gets the catchy-title award for today’s headline, “GOP hoefuls hit on hot-button issues.” (see below) The question now is whether or not the title was a copy-edit slip or a Freudian slip?

The problem with Freudian slips is that, like an unanticipated rush of blood below the equator of an adolescent school boy, once they pop up, they’re hard to conceal -- let alone ignore.

It’s with this unbridled notion, coupled with my trained Shakespearean eye for double-entendres, that I proceeded to take a trip down Sophomoric Lane and read the article. For whatever reason (after all, double-entendre’s are in the eye of the beholder), the following phrases managed to probe my Freudian senses, dear Reader:

“Pork wasn’t on the menu…but was a topic for two presidential hopefuls…”

“…John Cox touted, with tongue in cheek, that he comes through when the chips are down.”

“When presidential hopeful Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., arrived at the fundraiser Sunday, he donned a pair of plastic gloves and was asked to serve fruit salad to the crowd.”

`”’If you were a committee chairman ... they'd have let you hand out the pork,'’ joked one attendee.”

``We've passed far too many bills increasing the size of government,'' he (Tancredo) said.

``Leave No Illegal Alien Behind bill.'

“If elected, he said, one of his first objectives would be to tell `(House Speaker) Nancy Pelosi and (Majority Leader) Harry Reid, `Stop playing general and let our military do their job in Iraq.'''
Now, I’ve been to some rousing sausage-festivals in the past, but I’ve never had the chance to attend a GOP Hoeful Pork Fest – but there’s always the hoe another one will swing through Iowa. In the meantime, I’m left with images of Tom Tancredo and Nancy Pelosi role playing General/Dubious Whipping Boy as they roll around in the fruit salad. Why Tancredo is wearing plastic gloves is beyond me, nor will I allow my imagination to go there to find out. I have to draw the line in the sand of decency somewhere, eh Freud?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

President Bush Names Prodigal Son, Jim Nussle, White House Budget Director

Jimmy the Hustler is BACK…in D.C.!!!

Bush and Nussle share a dubious laugh about their latest duping of the American people

After padding his resume with a failed Iowa gubernatorial bid and running Rudy Giuliani’s presidential bid into the ground as his top consultant, President Bush’s prodigal son is returning home to his adoptive father.

Throw in Nussle’s failures as House Budget Committee Chair -- while serving underneath his adoptive father’s watchful eye -- into the mix and what do you get?

Answer: A job as the White House Budget Director, that’s what.

Now that’s some serious hustling.

Political Fallout contacted Jimmy the Hustler (“Nussle & Flow”), who released the following statement:

We tried to work our hustle in Iowa, but these folks ain’t buying. Apparently, they weren't too hip about the prospects of my better half driving ‘em into bankruptcy. They’re not buying my boy Rudy’s New York hustle either, so it was only a matter of time before Jimbo was bound to take his A-game back to D.C. If we play our cards right, we have less than two years to help bankrupt the country and return to a Darwinian socio-economic paradigm -- where only the strongest will survive and political pimps, like yours truly, will rule the roost. It ain’t going to be easy to hustle the American people, especially with the Bossman’s approval ratings dipping below sea level, but that’s where I, Jimmy the Hustler, come into play.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Is America Ready for Another Bald President?

Americans and the media have always been obsessed with the “haves” and the “have nots,” and this goes without saying when it comes to John Edwards’ hair and his $400 haircut. A recent FOX News/Opinion Dynamics Poll asked telephone interviewees: Do you happen to know which presidential candidate has been in the news recently for paying $400 for a haircut?”

The only answers proffered by the interviewer were the top three Democratic candidates, followed by two of my favorite responses to all poll questions: “Other” and “Don’t Know;” although my favorite and standard response is “Don’t Care.” The results showed that roughly 46 percent of the respondents did not know about Edwards’ $400 haircut, which, as Greg Sargent pointed out on TPM CafĂ©, is 4 percent less than the number who knew that Saddam did not have WMD when we invaded Iraq. But as FOX News very well knows, we cannot begin muddling viewers' lives with facts. In the television news business, Weapons of Mass Deception are vital in winning the ratings war. Facts are major downers and a literal turn off to the television masses.

Speaking of the “haves and have nots,” the mainstream media’s negligence goes beyond their cursory coverage of the news. John Edwards’ haircut is merely a manifestation of a deeper issue that has long divided Americans along hairlines. Yes, folks, the “Two Americas” I’m talking about are those Americans who have hair and those who don’t have hair. There, I’ve said it. It was just a matter of time before I slicked back the comb-over and revealed the truth. The reason the majority of Americans are obsessed with hair is because we still live in a baldist society. Baldism is the real issue here, not the fact that Edwards paid an unseemly amount of money for a haircut.

Unfortunately, the “Bald is Beautiful” campaign does not extend itself to presidential politics. Pundits have been asking voters: Are Americans ready for a woman president? An African-American president? An Hispanic president? A Mormon president? But when will pundits and pollsters begin asking the real question: Are Americans ready for another bald president?

We haven’t had a bald president in 35 years, not since President Gerald Ford (see photo). But before you Baldists start touting Ford’s candidacy as a means of supplementing your own baldist guilt (“But, but…I’m not a baldist. Some of my good friends are bald.”), keep in mind that Ford was never elected to be president, or vice president for that matter. Ford, a distinctly bald man, had to win the presidency by entering the back doors of the White House. Ford was nominated to take former Vice President Spiro Agnew’s when he resigned, and then Ford fell into the presidency when President Nixon resigned in the wake of the Watergate scandal.

We have to go back 50 years to President Dwight Eisenhower’s re-election to note the last time the American people elected a bald president. Granted, Eisenhower (in case you've never heard of Eisenhower and or don't know what he looks like, see photo above) had to overcome the pervading baldism of the 1950's, but thanks to the positive “I Like Ike” media blitz, Americans were able overcome their inherent baldist bias. Furthermore, Eisenhower, a general and decorated war hero, was elected six years after World War II. People were still accustomed to bald men returning from the war and were able to put their baldist differences aside and take a leap of faith at the polls.

Fifty years later, however, baldism has reared its head in presidential politics and is destined to play an integral role, whether it's conscious or subconscious, in the 2008 election. We cannot deny this anymore. Looking at this year’s crop of well-groomed candidates, the Democratic " field has no bald candidates, while the Republicans have two bald candidates, Sen. John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, both considered top-tiered candidates. Clearly, history is stacked up against these guys and, as is the case with most bald presidential hopefuls, they have insurmountable odds to overcome in the next year.

Knowing two of their top three candidates are bald, the GOP has been internally struggling to find a viable candidate. They’re still looking for their white knight, and it appears former Sen. Fred Thompson may come to save the day. He’s already generating a buzz among GOP circles, but before they get their hopes up too high, they may want to proceed with caution.

News flash: Fred Thompson is bald! There, I said what had to be said.

Former Sen. Fred Thompson strikes former President Ford-like pose

When my hairline began receding in high school, I knew then that my presidential aspirations had begun to recede as well. I’ve vowed to never buy into the illusion that I can overcome the obstacles of balding by gradually concealing my follicle shortcomings with a hairpiece, veiling it with a comb-over, or replenishing my hair loss by transplanting hair from other, unmentionable parts of my body. I knew if I wanted to become president, I would have to change the baldists and put an end to baldism once and for all. My job is to change the closeted behaviors of all the baldists out there, who claim they are not, but behind the curtain know very well they could never vote for a bald president.

It’s time to pull back the political comb-overs, throw out the hair pieces and blur the hairline between the Two “Hair” Americas. We, Americans, need to start focusing on the meat of the issues, rather than obsessing on our wait staff’s hair, or better yet, lack of hair.

So I ask again: Is America ready for another bald president? Possible choices: (A) Not Sure, (B) Don’t Know, or (C) Don’t Care.

If you answered "C," you are correct in the sense that you paid attention to the front end of the column and have followed my advice. I will give you partial credit if you guessed "C" – since that’s what most Americans have been trained to do when they have absolutely no idea as to the answer.

Don’t worry, if you answered or guessed "A" or "B," there is still hope, although, this is contingent upon divine timing and whether or not you’re home when FOX News calls and asks you some questions thinly veiled by a newsworthy comb-over.

Cross-Posted at "Iowa Independent"

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Political Network (2007): Democracy, Inc.

In the 1976 film and corporate cautionary tale “Network,” Arthur Jensen’s character prophesied the growing influence of corporate America during his speech to Howard Beale:

“It is the international system of currency which determines the vitality of life on this planet. THAT is the natural order of things today. THAT is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today. There is no America; there is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today.”

Arthur Jensen's Corporate Vision (from "Network (1976)")

Jensen’s prophecy extends itself to the Political Network, which has succeeded in creating the illusion of Democracy in America, wherein our government is supposedly ruled by and for the people. But the system is continuously undermined by the shadows hiding behind closed doors, underneath tables and in the dark corners of alleyways. Hiding behind loosely veiled campaign finance laws, these shadows have managed to hijack Democracy, while pandering to the corporate interests of the Political Network, Inc.

In America’s Political Network, citizens over the age of 18 are given a single share in Democracy, Inc., assuming they register to vote and exercise this right on Election Day. But after all these shares are counted and the winners are declared, the cogs of the Political Network’s underbelly kick into gear as politicians begin crafting legislation. Meanwhile, lobbyists, serving as symbolic monetary reminders, step out of the shadows and persuade politicians to legislate and vote on behalf of their investors.

As political campaigns heat up, individual shareholders denounce the vast amounts of money poured into election coffers, but nothing major changes as campaign war chests grow exponentially in proportion to the rising numbers of public denunciations.

Champions for campaign finance reform speak out against this and how it’s eroding voters' faith in politicians, politicians and Democracy itself. Often their efforts, like Howard Beale's in "Network," are thwarted by the omnipotent powers that be. By shedding light on some of the political practices lurking in the shadows, individual shareholders can reclaim a stake in the political process and usurp Democracy from the corporate financiers.

Read original post @ "Iowa Independent"

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Jesus H. Clinton Parts Red and Blue Sea

Last night, during a forum on faith and politics, Hillary Just Hillary came down from the political polls and performed an act of divine intervention by parting the Red and Blue Sea. Hillary Just Hillary’s audience, primarily comprised of religious leaders, was shocked and awed by Her polarizing move. In the wake of the ceremonial parting, members of the newly formed Red and Blue seas, in honor of Jim Wallis’s “God’s Politics,” were respectively labeled the “Why We Get It Wrong Lil’ Red Guppies,” and “Why We Just Don’t Get It ‘Lil Blue Minnows.”

Hillary Just Hillary first introduced her trademarked Jesus-like pose a few months back when she descended upon Iowans while campaigning at a Mega-Townhall meeting in Des Moines (see below), where she attempted to convert Democrat activists into DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) believers.

After Hillary Just Hillary left the auditorium last night, it was reported that the ‘Lil Red Guppies and Blue Minnows” were arguing over which fish group would be the next prototype for the Hillary Just Hillary Fish bumper insignia.

Read more about the forum at "Iowa Independent": Faith and Politics: Presidential Candidates Tackle the Tough Questions in CNN Forum

Friday, May 25, 2007

McCain Highlights Expertise on RPGs & Bongs

McCain’s Straight Talkin’ Pandering bus pulled off the campaign trail today to give Sen. McCain a chance to stretch his legs and exercise his chops. Regarding the latter, he returned fire on his senate colleague, Sen. Barack Obama, who earlier defended his vote against the Pentagon Welfare* Blank Check bill.

*Pentagon Welfare is the government’s use of tax-payers money to subsidize the Military Industrial Complex.

Always the opportunist, McCain ceased the moment to showcase his expertise on RPGs and Bongs:
“Obama wouldn’t know the difference between an RPG and a bong.”
"Got bong? Oh, I got your bong, Obama. Cue it maestro: 'Bong, bong, bong...bong, bong Iran...'"

McCain’s statement implies that he’s knowledgeable about both, so let’s check out the translation and definition in our trusty “McCain-English Only Dictionary”:

Bong: also known as a water pipe, is a smoking device used to inhale dope. Often times dope is distorted by politicians and the media, but when inhaled through a bong, the water serves as a purifier and filters out most of the carcinogenic lies while leaving behind the straight dope.

A high school student group, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus," greets McCain's Straight Talkin' Pandering Bus as it navigates its way through town. The newly-formed 527 group is an advocacy group for keeping Jesus' words purified and out of the hands of politicians -- who pollute and manipulate the Savior's words with carcinogenic lies in order to get elected.

RPG (Roleplaying Game): is the type in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters and collaboratively create or follow stories. Participants determine their course of actions of their respective characters based on their characterization. Within the rules, players and/or the designated Master can improvise freely, changing the rules as they go as their choices shape the direction and outcome of the games. A role-playing game rarely has winners or losers.A typical role-playing game unifies its participants into a single team, known as a "party", that plays as a group. These episodic games are often played in weekly sessions over a period of months or even years.

RPG Example: The War in Iraq. Detainment Camp Master George Bush and his Merry Pranksters (alias: The Republicans) hop aboard the Straight Talkin’ Pandering Bus and embark on global adventures in their fight against Evil. Using fabricated intelligence, DCM Bush leads his band of hawks down an RPG strand with no exit strategy. Along the way, when the Detainment Camp Master is not changing the rules to the game, he’s tripping up the players with misinformation, prefabricated lies and half truths, and false intelligence. Because the “War on Terror” has no objective-base outcomes or endgame, the RPG is never ending, meaning there are never any winners or losers.

McCain’s right about one thing, if ever there was an expert on RPGs, it would definitely be him.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sen. Harkin: Just Say “No” to Ogres

Move over Joe Camel, there’s a new scapegoat in town. In the name of “Corporate Responsibility,” grab your torches and join Senator Tom Harkin as he heads to Duloc to take down the poster boy of obesity: Shrek.

Shrek responds to Sen. Harkin's allegations by blowing smoke out of his ears

Once revered as a hero by Sen. Harkin for his tireless efforts against eminent domain and Lord Farquand’s attempt to usurp his swampland, Shrek’s fame has quickly fallen with his recent prostitution to the fat cats of the sugar industry. Big Sugar Daddy lobbyists aren’t going to back down to Sen. Harkin’s threats of stepping in and imposing government regulation of the Big Sugar Industry:

"If these industries continue on their present course, government has a responsibility to act," said Harkin. "We are not going to stand idly by in the face of a worsening epidemic of childhood obesity and diabetes."
Another one of Harkin’s 98% fat-free beefs with Shrek is his influence on children and omnipresent role-model powers. Kids are extremely impressionable and when they see a heroic, green ogre such as Shrek, they cannot help but want to be like Shrek:

"Kids love Shrek, so if Shrek says, 'Eat Cheetos,' then kids want to eat Cheetos," he said. "Why isn't Shrek advertising fresh fruits, vegetables, healthy choices?"
Better yet, why isn’t Dream Works adhering to the underlying principles of “truth in advertising” by having Shrek advertise the consumption of children, a more realistic ogre delicacy? Ironically, eating children, who, odds are they’re obese, would only serve to help prove Sen. Harkin’s point that children aren’t eating enough low-fat foods.

Due to the absence of wireless connections in Duloc, Shrek could not be reached for comment. However, Political Fallout did manage to contact Shrek’s spokesman and free-lance poster boy for the Democrat Party, Donkey. On behalf of his client, Donkey released the following statement:

Donkey: My client, the honorable Shrek, clearly has been scapegoated and discriminated by Senator Harkin and his recent crusade against the Big Sugar Industry. Not only is Mr. Harkin exploiting Shrek to perpetuate his own agenda, but in doing so, Sen. Harkin’s Ogrephobia reveals his prejudices – and not just those against Shrek, but those against all members of the global Ogre community. Shrek is not the one advertising products deemed “unhealthy” by Senator Harkin. Take Spiderman for example. He’s crept up on everything from sugar-coated cereals to 10% real fruit roll ups. But do you see anybody going after Spiderman with the same delusional zeal as Shrek? Shrek has clearly been singled out by Senator Harkin, which is not surprising, when considering the history of discrimination and methodic persecution against ogres and their ilk.

A spokesogre for the OCLU (Ogre Civil Liberties Union) agreed with Donkey’s charge of Ogrephobia, citing inconsistencies in the allegations lobbied against Shrek: “Nobody’s pointing fingers at Cap’n Crunch, a well-respected and high-ranking member of the military, for his promoting high-fat products.

Should Sen. Harkin and his Villagers succeed in their war against Shrek and Big Sugar, plans for battling other oxymoronic causes such as “Political Ethics” are already stewing in the back woods of D.C.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fallout’s Mock the Hillary Theme Song Vote

In an attempt to tune in with voters, Hillary Just Hillary has launched a campaign theme song election, and she’s imploring YOU, “Time” magazine’s 2006 Man of the Year, to rock (and a little bit country) the vote. Sounds totally Hillacious, eh? You know, like, music totally transcends political boundaries and corporate ties and stuff, you know. Like, check out the Hillary Just Hillster in her latest YouTube cameo:

“Video Killed the Political Star,” by Hillary Just Hillary

To help sustain the illusion of a bottom-up Democracy, Political Fallout has decided to participate in the campaign. After intensive internal and external polling, extensive test-marketing research, and conducting blind study groups (led by James Baker), we’ve announced the top 10 songs recommended to help spearhead “Political Fallout’s 2007 Mock the Vote” efforts.

Top 10 Write-In Candidates:

“The Grand Illusion” -- Styx

“I’m Just a Bill” – Jack Sheldon (Schoolhouse Rocks)

“Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” -- TLC (not to be confused with the DLC – Democrat leadership Corporation)

“Dream On” -- Aerosmith

“Little Willy” -- The Sweet

“Special Secret Song Inside” -- Red Hot Chili Peppers

“God Save the Queen” – Sex Pistols

The Iraq War Trilogy

Part I: “Masters of War,” by Bob Dylan

Part II: “Highway to Hell,” AC/DC

Part III: “I Can’t Explain” – The Who

And the winner of Political Fallout’s 1st unofficial 2007 “Mock the Vote” campaign:

“Little Willy” – The Sweet ('cuz Little Willy, Willy won't go home...)

Help support Political Fallout’s “Mock the Vote” write-in candidacy for Hillary Just Hillary’s campaign theme song and SUBMIT your vote now: click here to vote.
More Fallout...

Wonkette is running a write-in campaign as well (Wonkette).

Check out John Deeth's take, "Hillary's Playlist: What, no Rage Against The Machine?" (Iowa Independent)