Saturday, March 3, 2007

I Was Going to Comment on Anne Coulter, But…

…it turns out the Surgeon General has issued a warning that stooping to Coulter’s level may lead to irreperable back pains, loss of mental capacities, and/or drowning in a pool of spiteful venom.

Besides, Ann Coulter’s words speak volumes for herself and her intended audience, the annual Conservative Political Action Conference:

"I was going to comment on John Edwards,but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you say the word faggot.''

Friday, March 2, 2007

Rants Gives Rep. Tomenga “Out of Statehouse Suspension”

Christopher Rants: Your Big Tobacco 'Ho

Big Tobacco ‘Ho and Iowa House Minority Leader, Christopher Rants, suspended fellow GOP representative, Walt Tomenga, from their party’s caucus meeting next week. No wonder Rants was so vehemently opposed to the anti-bullying bill. The subject of the meeting is the cigarette-tax increase, which Tomenga and the majority of Iowans support. According to Tomenga, “Christopher believed a more candid conversation could be had if I wasn’t there.”

And by candid, we all know that Rants, the Big Tobacco ‘Ho, means telling his minions what his Pimp is telling him: “You bitches best keep them cigarette taxes down, or I’m gonna have to slap you around.”

Democrats heard about Tomenga’s suspension, found him sitting alone in the Statehouse lunchroom (see pic on right), and invited him to speak at their caucus meeting instead. Inside reports indicate that the Democrats offered Walt some of their tots, thus bringing a smile to Walt’s face, who confessed to his new friends, "I admit I'm probably an unusual Republican, but you could make the case that anybody who calls themselves a Republican is unusual, so I fit right in."

The “War on Toms” Was About Friends and Only Friends

A week has passed since Tom Vilsack dropped his presidential bid. This coupled with an ice storm and subsequent loss of power has helped me come to realize that I needed to end the My Space “War on Toms.”

Since I declared war on Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom, the “friend gap” has only widened at a disproportionate rate. At last count Vilsack had reigned in 1330 friends, while I had yet to reach triple digits. Had I taken a traditional political campaign route and was more willing to prostitute myself for votes, I could have broken the 100 Friend Threshold by approving four “adult entertainers” who requested to be my friend. Fearing the possible repercussions of joining these inner-networking circles (e.g. a STVD, or Sexually Transmitted Virtual Disease – not to be confused with OCBD, or Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder), I opted to disapprove their requests.

And then Obama and Hillary invaded My Space, stepping up their war efforts, and the ’08 My Space Race has never been the same since. I could no longer compete with these virtual rock stars. Everything on My Space has changed, and unfortunately the My Space Race has become to a great extent all about friends, a lot of friends. It is clear to me that I would not be able to continue making new friends in the amounts necessary to sustain a viable Friend War. So making friends and only making new friends is the reason I’m ending the “War on Toms.”

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT Do to Win the Presidency (v. 1)

Last week, John McCain’s Straight Panderin’ Express jumped the track yet again, proving that McCain will say just about anything to win the '08 presidential election. After dropping a bomb on Rumsfled (yes, the misspelling is intentional), McCain unleashed his unchecked bravado upon big Dick.

McCain feels full extent of Cheney's sexually repressed powers as big Dick attempts to squeeze presidential life out of John

Now if you’re looking for a thoroughly documented account of what McCain is willing to do to win, go to “The Real McCain.” We at Political Fallout prefer the bigger challenge of speculating on what McCain will NOT do to win the presidency. This leads to the first rendition of:

The Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT* Do (for Cheney) to Win the Presidency:

5. Wear his “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt while caddying for Dick on an Afghanistan golf course

4. Stop thinking of Dick when playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” while tearing off G.I. Joe heads from his extensive collection

3. Make a spiritual trek to Oz to buy Dick’s heart back from local pawn shop

2. Dress up in Darth Vader costume and perform lap dance for Dick

1. Father Lynne Cheney’s second child (unless of course Dick told him to do it)

*Should John McCain do any of these things between now and the Presidential Election, Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for John Boy’s actions.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Iowa House Rising Up for the Dead!

Alice Cooper: Official Poster Muse of the Necrophilia Society
“I Love the Dead”
I love the dead before they're cold
They're bluing flesh for me to hold
Cadaver eyes upon me see nothing
I love the dead before they rise
No farewells, no goodbyes
I never knew your rotting face
While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave
I have other uses for you, Darling
We love the dead
We love the dead, Yeah

The Iowa House has slipped into full protectionist mode. First they set their sites on protecting minimum-wage workers, then potential bully victims, and now they’re extending their protectionist claws to the corpse community. Apparently there has been an insurgence of abuse in the human corpse community, thus prompting the Iowa House to introduce a not-in-my-back-yard bill (HF 432), which would extend protections to corpses. (Note to practicing Necrophiliacs: a bill on the books already protects corpses from people “knowingly and intentionally” engaging in a sex act with the deceased, so don’t get any crazy ideas.) The House merely wants to extend rights to corpses, making it a crime for a person to “mutilate, disfigure, hide, or bury a human corpse with the intent to conceal a crime.” All violations will be considered a class “D” felony, “punishable by confinement for no more than five years and a fine of at least $750, but no more than $7,500.”

I’m guessing this bill is meant to serve as a deterrent, so when somebody kills somebody, they’ll think long and hard about dismembering the body and hiding the remains under the floorboards? Or the guilt of committing such a heinous act, compounded by the looming possibility of fines or imprisonment, will inevitably force the alleged perpetrator to confess:

“Villians!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed! – tear up the planks here, hear! – it is the beating of his hideous heart!” (Exhibit A: documented confession from Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart”)

If the House is genuinely serious about protecting and/or extending more rights to the human corpse community, they should consider putting more teeth into their bill by adding the following to the corpse abuse bill:

Add “corpse trait” to anti-bullying bill. This will not only help deter kids from picking on the dead, but it will help foster respect for their “nonliving peers.”
Corpse Tax Stamps. Using the Drug Tax Stamp as its model, the Internal Revenue Service should levy a tax on corpses. So if a person intends to sell a corpse, they’ll need to pay a corpse tax and receive a stamp to attach to corpse, thus indicating that the corpse bearer has paid the government its respective due. And if corpse peddlers fail to pay their tax burden and gets caught with an unstamped corpse, boy will they be wishing they had paid The Man.

Better yet, the House should focus their energy on extending more rights to the human corpse community. A good start would be allowing corpses to marry other corpses, extending them the same rights as living married couples (this includes living married couples whose relationship has died).

Human Corpse Community Battlecry: "All we are saying is give corpses a chance..."

Monday, February 26, 2007

God Attempts to Smite “His” Senator (Brownback) Again!

For the second time in as many months, God attempted to smite Senator Brownback in Iowa, unleashing a wicked ice storm on Iowans -- only to miss his intended target. Blessed with foresight, God’s Senator canceled yet another appearance in Iowa, fearing He would feel God’s wrath.

Due to downed power and telephone lines left in God’s smitten wake, God Himself could not be reached for comment on the alleged hit.