Rants Seduces Pettengill to the Dark Side

Christopher Rants: "Come, Dawn...come to the Dark side of the Minority Force..."

Big Tobacco’s Major Player, House Minority Leader Christopher Rants, used his behind the scenes charm* to seduce Dawn Pettengill to the Dark Side of the Minority Force. Dawn’s supporters are hailing her defection as courageous. Meanwhile, her opponents are calling her move an act of betrayal, while Kevin McCarthy, House Majority Leader of the Democratic Empire dismissed her move as “…more of a shift on paper…” Ouch, even in the cutting edge world of a paper-shuffling bureaucracy, that analogy had to hurt.

*Rants’s behind the scene charms consist of frequent temper tantrums, labor union bashing, and writing “Democrats are a bunch of poo poo heads” on the state house bathroom stalls with water-soluble markers.

Dawn Pettengill captured in a Rants Trance after watching him work his Svengali powers on House floor by throwing a hypnotic temper tantrum.

Mark Twain once said, “There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.” Tempted by the loss of power, it looks like Dawn may have succumbed to Rants’s Svengali powers. (Extracted from George du Maurier’s 1894 novel, Trilby, the word "Svengali" means a person who, with evil intent, manipulates another into what is desired.) Sounds like we have the ingredients for shooting another adaptation of Tribly here in Iowa. Now all we have to do is woo Hollywood, manipulating them with Iowa’s new film tax exemption.

The following is a dramatization of Rants working his hypnotic Svengali powers on the susceptible Dawn Pettengill. (I repeat: This is a dramatization. Do not try this at home or work, unless you’ve received your official degree in the Fine Arts of Manipulation from the Karl Rove School of Svengali.)

Tribly II: Dawn of the GOP

Rants: Look into my eyes Dawn, and imagine my eyeballs are dollar signs.

Dawn: (entranced) Yes, Mr. Rants. Dollar signs.

Rants: Focus, focus on the dollar signs.

Dawn: (still entranced) Yes, Mr. Rants

Rants: Now imagine watching me every single day, working my magic on the House floor and behind the scenes with the GOP.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants.

Rants: Your Party no longer loves you, Dawn. Not like Mr. Rants’ssssssssssss Party.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rantssssssss…

Rants: Come join the Minority Force and watch me, yes me, work my magic by evoking my almighty procedural powers.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants. You do have the power to clog up the bureaucratic machine.

Rants: If you come, Dawn. Others will follow and we will control the House next year (sinister laugh here).

Dawn: Oh, Mr. Rants, you truly are amazing.

Rants: I know, I know, Dawn. You are so wise. Now come to the Dark Side. Shall we dance?

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants. I would love to dance with you.

(They dance the forbidden dance.)

FADE OUT

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More Fallout...

Pettengill's Defection Finally Pays Dividends for GOP (Iowa Independent)

Pettengill Voting Record Conflicts With Switch (Iowa Independent)

Rants Gives Rep. Tomenga “Out of Statehouse Suspension”

Christopher Rants: Your Big Tobacco 'Ho

Big Tobacco ‘Ho and Iowa House Minority Leader, Christopher Rants, suspended fellow GOP representative, Walt Tomenga, from their party’s caucus meeting next week. No wonder Rants was so vehemently opposed to the anti-bullying bill. The subject of the meeting is the cigarette-tax increase, which Tomenga and the majority of Iowans support. According to Tomenga, “Christopher believed a more candid conversation could be had if I wasn’t there.”

And by candid, we all know that Rants, the Big Tobacco ‘Ho, means telling his minions what his Pimp is telling him: “You bitches best keep them cigarette taxes down, or I’m gonna have to slap you around.”

Democrats heard about Tomenga’s suspension, found him sitting alone in the Statehouse lunchroom (see pic on right), and invited him to speak at their caucus meeting instead. Inside reports indicate that the Democrats offered Walt some of their tots, thus bringing a smile to Walt’s face, who confessed to his new friends, "I admit I'm probably an unusual Republican, but you could make the case that anybody who calls themselves a Republican is unusual, so I fit right in."

We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: ‘Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue (No. 2)

Clean Out of the Presidential Nomination Gate, Joe Biden Trips Over Own Tongue

No sooner than Senator Joe Biden announced he’s running for president, Biden tripped over his own tongue. When asked about Obama’s candidacy, Biden said, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African American [presidential candidate] who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

Prior to officially announcing his candidacy, Joe Biden announced “He’s Going to Be Joe Biden.” Not only is Biden facing a self-identity crisis but he never really knows which Biden will open his mouth. The first step in building name recognition is the ability to recognize your own name.Fortunately, the other Biden has media outlets to help whitewash his comments and clarify what he really meant to say had he been Joe Biden when he said what he said. John Stewart attempted to help Joe find himself on the "Daily Show":

Christopher Rants Flips While Political Grandstanding

House Minority Leader Christopher Rants is having a hard time adjusting to the minority party. It’s hard out there for a minority, eh Christopher? It appears Rants has assumed the role of subversive jackass to:

a) undermine the Democratic Majority,
b) lay groundwork for possible run for Rep. Steve King’s congressional seat,
c) set stage for movie remake of “F.I.S.T.,” or
d) none of the above, Rants has always been a jackass?

Rants recently sent letters to thousands of small businesses in Iowa, decrying about the Democrats’ “fair-share” proposal which would “require non-union members to contribute the cost (the fair share) of the union representing them as required by law when they have a dispute with their employer.”

Rants’ response: “…(this) would mean tens of thousands of Hawkeye workers would be forced to fund corruption-prone organizing drives and a limousine lifestyle for union bigwigs . . . And the union czars don’t want to give an account for the confiscatory taxes, destructive laws and straitjacket regulations propped up by their forced-dues-funded political machine and their handpicked politicians.”

Keep your eye in the rearview mirror, Mr. King, Rants’s limousine (paid for by Big Tobacco and other special interest groups, who have found solace in Christopher’s pockets) is coming to getcha…

“Rock-Star” Metaphor Becomes Cliché

While speaking to Fort Dodge Democrats on Saturday (the same day Hillary spoke at a Mega-Town Hall meeting in Des Moines), Tom Vilsack openly admitted he’s not a rock star:

"Well, I'm not a rock star," he continued. "You already know that, but you know what? I'm rock solid."

Thanks to the phenomenon of Senator Barak Obama, the media has concocted the rock-star metaphor, mixing politics with rock ‘n’ roll. Unfortunately there has been a trickle down effect. Despite the recent wave of politicians courting rock stars on their campaign, most voters know that the two don’t mix. In act, mixing the two can be downright lethal (Warning: watching either one of these videos may be hazard to your health and/or political sensibilities. View with caution.):

Hillary Clinton Sings the Star Spangled Banner


John McCain Sings Streisand

We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: ‘Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue

John Kerry Announced He Would Not Seek His Party’s Nomination

"John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring will end up stuck in the Senate." (Jay Leno)

Looks like Kerry’s Sugar Mama, Teresa Heinz, put the kibosh on Johnny’s allowance. And who said running for president isn’t an expensive hobby?

Senator John McCain Still “Older than Dirt”

"I am older than dirt and have more scars than Frankenstein." (Senator John McCain -- response to whether or not too old to run for President)

Christopher Rants Caught in the Headlights

“After a late night of debating minimum wage in the House, I was waiting to cross Grand Avenue, one of the busiest roads in Des Moines, when I spotted this deer. I paused for the deer to cross Grand and quickly pulled out my cell phone and snapped a picture. I found this a little ironic considering for numerous years, the DNR has had “interesting” ideas about how to manage the deer population in Iowa and on this particular night, there was a deer nearly in front of the Department offices in downtown Des Moines. In fact, the leading cause of vehicle accidents in the state of Iowa is deer. I’m hoping that a visit from our little furry friend might bring back more discussion of how to appropriately manage the deer population issues we have in our state.” (House Minority Leader Christopher Rants)

(Note: Several studies* show cell phones are a leading cause of car crashes. It is estimated that cell phone distracted drivers are four times more likely to be in a car wreck. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year.)

*These studies do not include statistics related to drivers stopping on busy streets to snap pictures of crossing deer, capturing their unsuspecting images the crossfire of their headlights and cell phone cameras.

Stephen Colbert Threatens Civil Disobedience

“If you give Clinton the same doctorate you gave me, I will be forced to burn (my degree) on the air.” (Stephen Colbert – after learning that Bill Clinton will be the commencement speaker at the same college that Colbert was last year.)

Frankenstein Still “Older than McCain"

"I am older than John McCain and have more scars than the Bush Administration. I wish these people would leave me alone and stop bringing me into the limelight.” (Frankenstein – in response to McCain’s rapidly aging analogy)

“Voters Beware”: Rep. Christopher Rants Sides with Sinners

Attention Iowa Voters: Beware of House Minority Leader, Christopher Rants. Why, you ask? For starters, Rants is in cahoots with Usurers in Iowa, who are opening their sinister stores by a pawn shop near you. These unseemly predators may not be preying upon your family heirlooms or rusticated shotguns, but rather, they’re preying upon your monetary desperation. Disguised as reputable loan companies, Satan’s foot soldiers are exchanging money at the crossroads, lending money to borrowers at usury rates, while their prey forks over their car-title for collateral. (Sinister laugh here, followed by theme music from “Repo Man”…)

Have no fear, the House Commerce Committee crafted and passed a bill that would limit interest rates on car-title loans, wherein Usurers could not exceed the usury rate of 21 percent annually -- a rate that’s still equitable to a “pound of flesh” in Shakespeare’s day. Iowa’s Attorney General, Tom Miller, noted that Iowans have paid annual interest rates as high as 360 percent on car-title loans. (Sound of Al Capone having a posthumous coronary arrest here.)

For those of you unfamiliar with "usury," let’s review:

Usury is derived from Latin and means “interest” or “excessive interest.” The term usury was originally applied to interest charged for the use of money, but after moderate-interest loans joined the mainstream and were accepted by the business world, the term metamorphosed into “excessive interest.”

In Iowa, the legal rate of interest is 10% and general consumer transactions are governed at a maximum rate of 12%. But here’s the rub, folks. Thanks to high inflation in 1980, the federal government passed a special law which allowed national banks (any bank that has the word “national” or the term “N.A.” in their name, and savings banks that are nationally chartered) to ignore state usury limits, pegging the rate of interest at a certain number of points above the federal reserve discount rate. This exception was also applied to specially chartered organizations like small loan companies and installment plan sellers, who have their own set of rules.

Now let’s take a stroll down Usury Memory Lane and see how historical figures have responded to Usurers:

WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?): In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus emphasizes lending without concern for a return - or even repayment:

If ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest, for he is kind to the unthankful, and to the evil. (Luke 6:35)

WWSD? (What Would Satan Do?): Using Dante’s “Inferno” as our moral compass, we observe that Dante casts Usurers south, down to the inner-ring of the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they shack up eternally with Blasphemers and Sodomites (non-refundable deposit required). I can only imagine the parties these guys throw, eh Christopher? These sinister roomies take residence in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining form the sky. (see left) The Blasphemers lie on the sand, the Usurers sit, and the Sodomites wander about in groups Sounds like Spring Break on South Padre Island without the booze. Hmmmmmm...

WWRD? (What Would Rants Do?): Rants would oppose any legislation that sets usury limits, arguing “consumers should be free to make their own decisions, and lenders have the right to set terms for risky loans. As long as the terms are clear, then ‘buyer beware.’”

Long Live Usury!!!
Long Live Usury!!!
Long Live Usury!!!

For his sake, I hope Rants has been stockpiling SPF 1000. Rumor has it that it gets pretty hot down in the Seventh Circle this time of year.

Meanwhile, Political Fallout would like to issue the following “Voter Beware” alert:

“Voter Beware”: The support of any legislative representative who supports, condones, or turns a “blind eye” to Usurers or any effort to thwart usury in the state of Iowa, should be considered dangerous to the eternal life of your soul. Guilt of usury or any such association may result in condemning your soul to the Seventh Circle of Hell, the literal loss of a pound of flesh, and/or the repossession of your soul by the Repo Man – whose charge is to burn your temple in an unmarked trash can before releasing it into the “Inferno.” (see below)

Following Christopher Big $ Tie-Rants (Take 1)

Rants can’t dance, but he’ll take your money…

Big Tobacco’s favorite Iowa prostitute and political mouthpiece, Christopher Rants (R-Sioux City), still opposes Governor-elect Chet Culver’s proposed buck-a-pack tax increase on cigarettes. As the upcoming legislative session looms for the dispossessed House Speaker, Rants has relied on humor as a coping device to deal with his minority leadership status, joking that Iowans will need the minimum wage increase promised by the Democrats just to pay for the pricier cigarettes.

Poor, poor, Christopher. Stick to what you do best: taking money from Big Tobacco and pretending it has no influence on your decision-making process. Denial is the first sign of political prostitution. Sure, the $60,000 you received from Big Tobacco in 2005 played absolutely no role in your staunch opposition to the tax hike, and I imagine you donated the money to your local adopt-a-minimum-wage-earner program, right?

Just think, your $60,000 donation could’ve helped fully finance 5.6 minimum-wage-earners' salaries in 2006.*

Meanwhile, to help finance a increase in the minimum wage, the Iowa Congress should consider putting a “bad joke” jar on the House floor, requiring members to make a $5.15 donation for every infraction. This should help pay for the minimum wage increase in no time, assuming a "tax on ignorance" isn’t levied by the GOP in the meantime.

*40 hours/week x $5.15/hour x 52 weeks