Saturday, February 3, 2007
The McCain Gang’s first move was to gut the “Straight Talk Express,” replacing it with the “Straight Attack Me and I’ll Rip Your Heart Out and Make You Watch it Beat on YouTube Express.” To show he means business, McCain is selling his soul and integrity on eBay. The bidding on McCain’s integrity started at $1, but no takers thus far. Meanwhile, McCain has had several offers on his soul and has already piecemealed portions of his soul out to the following bidders, hiring them for “protection”:
Mark McKinnon, Russell Schriefer, and Stuart Stevens: made advertisements for George W. Bush in 2000 which distorted McCain’s record.
Advertising Firm, Stevens Reed Curcio & Potholm: made Swift Boat Veterans for Truth advertisement spots which claimed Senator John Kerry had not earned his medals from the Vietnam War.
Terry Nelson: McCain’s national campaign manager and former leader of committee which sponsored an advertisement against Harold Ford of Tennessee. The ad was not only racist, but also implied Ford was sexually promiscuous.
Satan: ruler of the demonic underworld who surfaces every election cycle and serves as the central hub for negative campaigning. Although, since the campaign cycle has evolved into a perpetual cycle, Satan has opened up a permanent headquarters -- where he dispenses evil to the highest bidders.
McCain has also been pitching his soul to Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson, but hasn’t received any legitimate bites on his offer.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
No sooner than Senator Joe Biden announced he’s running for president, Biden tripped over his own tongue. When asked about Obama’s candidacy, Biden said, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African American [presidential candidate] who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."
Prior to officially announcing his candidacy, Joe Biden announced “He’s Going to Be Joe Biden.” Not only is Biden facing a self-identity crisis but he never really knows which Biden will open his mouth. The first step in building name recognition is the ability to recognize your own name.Fortunately, the other Biden has media outlets to help whitewash his comments and clarify what he really meant to say had he been Joe Biden when he said what he said. John Stewart attempted to help Joe find himself on the "Daily Show":
House Minority Leader Christopher Rants is having a hard time adjusting to the minority party. It’s hard out there for a minority, eh Christopher? It appears Rants has assumed the role of subversive jackass to:
a) undermine the Democratic Majority,
b) lay groundwork for possible run for Rep. Steve King’s congressional seat,
c) set stage for movie remake of “F.I.S.T.,” or
d) none of the above, Rants has always been a jackass?
Rants recently sent letters to thousands of small businesses in Iowa, decrying about the Democrats’ “fair-share” proposal which would “require non-union members to contribute the cost (the fair share) of the union representing them as required by law when they have a dispute with their employer.”
Rants’ response: “…(this) would mean tens of thousands of Hawkeye workers would be forced to fund corruption-prone organizing drives and a limousine lifestyle for union bigwigs . . . And the union czars don’t want to give an account for the confiscatory taxes, destructive laws and straitjacket regulations propped up by their forced-dues-funded political machine and their handpicked politicians.”
Keep your eye in the rearview mirror, Mr. King, Rants’s limousine (paid for by Big Tobacco and other special interest groups, who have found solace in Christopher’s pockets) is coming to getcha…
“Rock-Star” Metaphor Becomes Cliché
While speaking to Fort Dodge Democrats on Saturday (the same day Hillary spoke at a Mega-Town Hall meeting in Des Moines), Tom Vilsack openly admitted he’s not a rock star:
"Well, I'm not a rock star," he continued. "You already know that, but you know what? I'm rock solid."
Thanks to the phenomenon of Senator Barak Obama, the media has concocted the rock-star metaphor, mixing politics with rock ‘n’ roll. Unfortunately there has been a trickle down effect. Despite the recent wave of politicians courting rock stars on their campaign, most voters know that the two don’t mix. In act, mixing the two can be downright lethal (Warning: watching either one of these videos may be hazard to your health and/or political sensibilities. View with caution.):
Hillary Clinton Sings the Star Spangled Banner
John McCain Sings Streisand
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Helping feed American’s addiction for useless information, pie charts, and multi-colored bar graphs, the “Des Moines Register” conducted a poll which revealed:
Two-thirds of the state's adults believe the nation is ready for an African-American president in 2008. A smaller majority - 55 percent - says the American electorate is open to choosing a woman. But just 40 percent believe the country is ready for a president who is Hispanic.
Speaking of adulterers, Iowans were lukewarm – 22 percent -- about the idea of choosing an adulterer, fearing this would not only stain the reputation of the highest office but would blemish America’s moral standing in the global community. “Iowans already weighed in where they stand on adulterers when they opted not to elect Jim Nussle for Governor,” said Jesus, a documented worker from Mexico. “And now Nussle’s hooking up with fellow adulterer, Rudy Giuliani? It won’t be long before Newt Gingrich jumps into bed with them.”
Other findings revealed that the majority of voters were okay with electing a “Tom” or “Thomas” -- most of the them (17% more) preferring “Thomas” because of the name’s historical precedence (i.e Jefferson), while most voters viewed “Tommy” unfavorably (94%). “Tommy? Are you kidding me?” said longtime Democrat Thomas Rutherford, “Tommy is a boys’ name, not the leader of the free world. I grew out of ‘Tommy’ when I was seven, although my mommy still calls me Tommy whenever I disappoint her -- meaning whenever I vote Republican.”
Oddly enough, when asked if they could support a “dead white guy” for president, a small majority (51%) said “yes.” “Why not?” said Max Overton, a Classics Professor at the University of Iowa. “We’re so quick to revere the literary canon in education, yet when it comes to promoting “dead white guys” for elected office, the electorate is under the illusion we can do much better. Had we elected a “dead white guy” for President in 2000, I guarantee we would be a lot better off than we our now.”
Finally, a slight majority (50.5%) of those polled said they would be more comfortable with a having a woman president than a woman god. “The thought of female god scares the crap out of me,” said John Kimball, a devout Christian. “With a woman president, we would only have to feel her wrath for no more than eight years, whereas a female god has an eternal term to unleash her wrath. Believe me you, we have a lot to atone for; especially all of the goddamn men out there who have royally screwed things up.”
In trademark Hillary fashion, Senator Clinton attempts to appeal to both sides of the poll, while campaigning at a Mega-Town Hall Meeting in Des Moines, Iowa. Hillary couples her female and God-like presence by striking a womanly, yet Jesus-like pose for gathered Hillary worshipers.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
After the game, Thompson went to the Wig & Pen Pizza Pub for “pizza” and more “face time” with all three registered Johnson County Republican voters. On Iraq, Thompson said, “A vote should be conducted to ask the Iraqi people whether they want the United States' presence in their country. The government should support a course that divides Iraq into separate nations or states, and then divide money from Iraq oil reserves between the government, separate states and individuals.”
So Tommy Boy wants to open up the vote to the Iraqi people as to whether we should stay or go? Sure sounds like Democracy, eh?
And he wants to divide Iraq into separate states and equally distribute all the cash flow from the oil reserves? Sure sounds like Socialism, eh?
I wonder if Tommy Boy would be willing to model this plan in the United States before outsourcing it to Iraq? First, we should conduct a vote, asking the American people whether we should stay or go in Iraq. Next, we could take all the money earmarked for the War in Iraq and divide it equally among the fifty states and individuals. This year alone, that would amount to roughly $3 billion dollars per state.
I think Tommy Boy is on to something here. Who knows, if this pans out, maybe we could give Democracy another chance to work in the United States.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Final Act: McCain’s “I’m My Own Maverick”
Oh, many, many moons ago,
When I sought the presidency,
I hit the trail a straight-shootin’ maverick,
But was rubbed out by the GOP,
Which was hell-bent on a good’ ol boy --
Bred out of political complacency,
The Christian Right’s new boy-toy --
A prop for the end of Democracy.
Two election cycles have passed,
And our country is a big ‘ol mess.
Time to hit the campaign trail
And spew my straight-talking express.
But first thing’s first,
I’d better two-step with the Right;
For matters can’t get much worse --
‘Less them Christians keep my lips shut tight.
Sure enough, I shot myself in the foot:
Sayin’ one thing, then sayin’ another.
My shot-gun wedding to the Right
Gave birth to Falwell, my illegitimate brother.
And now my straight-talkin’ express is set to derail
That damn ol’ Satan done tripped me up again.
Looks like I’ll be joinin’ ol’ Bush in hell
For an eternal game of straight-shootin’ reminiscin.’
I’m my own Maverick,
I’m my own Maverick.
It sounds absurd I know,
But it really is so.
Oh, I’m my own Maverick…
I used to be a straight talkin' son-of-a-gun
Until my second, yes second presidential run.
I jumped into bed with the Christian Right,
And before I knew what hit me --
Ol’ Jerry had me speakin’ in tongues,
And I lost all my political integrity.
For now I can barely stand myself.
When I look in the mirror,
I make my own self sick;
For I’ve never seen anything queerer:
By George, I am my own Maverick.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Republican presidential candidate Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney brought his outsourced Yankee snake oil (brewed and bottled by unwed children in remote salt flats of Utah) to Waterloo on Friday night, throwing a change-up pitch at voters (potential snake-oil consumers): Focus on his political resume (voted Democrat in ’92, supported gay marriage, tried to out-liberal Ted Kennedy in senatorial bid), not the liberal reputation of the state it was written (officially dubbed, “The Most Liberal State GOP Money Can Buy,” while he was the state’s CEO).