Friday, December 8, 2006

Got God? Get Your Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale

Just in the Saint Nick of time, God’s Senator, Sam Brownback, came out of Kansas’s closet and announced he’s a “full-scale conservative.” In his bid to become God’s President, Brownback weighed in on his own Christian Conservative Ideology, tipping the scales on his new invention and campaign product, The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale. Self-anointed “The Chosen One,” Brownback announced plans to form an exploratory committee in Iowa and plans to set up temples across the state to help spread the Boss’s word through his candidacy. The Brownback Camp, having recently come down from Brownback Mountain, plans to test market the new scale in Iowa -- so the people can figure out just how Christian they are, erasing any pre-existing ambiguities. Here’s a sneak preview of an advertisement:

The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale (Compassion Not Included)

Got Conservative Values? Got Jesus? Well then, what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the only child of the only God, by giving the gift that keeps on giving, the Official Sam Brownback Conservative Values Scale (see right). What could be better than spending Christmas morning by weighing your values on the SBCV Scale, while the children gather round and read carefully selected parts from Jesus’ biography, The New Testament? The scale comes with prerecorded messages by God’s next president, Sam Brownback. Anytime your values begin tipping toward the “Dark Side,” where the bleeding heart liberals await, armed with Jesus’ messages of love and compassion, your new scale will trigger any one of the messages.

Finally, with the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, we’ll finally know where everyone stands and there will be little doubt who the real Christians are in God’s political Kingdom. Get your scale before it’s too late (sound of thunder and crackling lightning here)…

This message was sponsored by the Iowa Bigots for Brownback and is awaiting approval from God and/or Sam Brownback.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Vilsack’s “V”: What’s in a Letter? (Part I)

The following is excerpted from the Democratic Leadership Corporation’s theatrical work-in-progress, The Tragedy of Hillary and Vilsack:


‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy,--
Thou art thyself, though not a Vilsack.
What’s Vilsack? It is not hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? That which we call a Republican

By any other name would smell of defeat…

Since Governor Tom Vilsack announced he is running for President, there’s been more buzz about his campaign logo than his actual candidacy. Regardless of what people are talking about, they're still talking about Vilsack – for now, anyhow. The big question still remains: What’s up with the “V”?

To look deeper into this, Political Fallout will unfold a V-part series which examines the possible subtext, allusions, hidden meanings, and/or prophetic implications of Vilsack’s “V”.

Alluison #1: “V for Vendetta”

Vilsack’s allusion to the symbolic “V” in “V for Vendetta” is by no means a coincidence. As V, the film’s main character states: “I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence.” Both the film and Vilsack’s run for the presidency share a number of similarities. V and Vilsack are planting the seeds for a people-powered revolution in November, in which the people overthrow the reign of an inept regime fueled by the moral hypocrisies of right-wing extremists. Hmmm…sound familiar?

The symbol “V” itself is derived from an upside down “A”, similar to that of the Anarchists’ symbol, so the question is whether or not Vilsack is subconsciously inciting a grassroots anarchy, or better yet, an upside-down grassroots anarchy:

Vive le DLC!
Vive le DLC!!
Vive le DLC!!!

Weapons of MassiVe Destruction: Political Vernacular

V: In his vivacious quest for a revolution, V is well versed in the King’s vernacular and uses V-inspired alliteration when introducing himself and vexing villains:

"VoilĂ ! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

V also has a tendency to invoke Shakespeare quotes to appeal to the valiant tastes of the more civilized revolutionaries:

"The multiplying villainies of nature do swarm upon him...(Skipping four of the original lines) Disdaining fortune with his brandished steel/which smoked with bloody execution..." (Macbeth 1.2.17-18)

"We are oft to blame in this. 'Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." (Hamlet 3.1.46-49)

"And thus I clothe my naked villainy/With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;/And seem a saint, when most I play the devil" (Richard III (play) 1.3.336-38)

"I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none." (Macbeth 1.7.17-18)

Vilsack: must also use a fine-tuned, well-scripted vernacular to overcome his pundit prophesized long-shot status -- if he’s to win the Democratic Party nod. Peppering his speeches with Shakespearean and Shakespeare-inspired quotes might help further Vilsack’s political cause as well.

Political Fallout Prophecy: After a fourth place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, Vilsack, wearing a replica of V’s mask, mounts the stage and gives a speech to fire up his DLC base:

"Thank you. Thank you all. I would like to begin with a quote from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, 'Conceal me what I am, and be my aid. For such disguise as haply shall become the form of my intent.'"

(A bewildered audience looks on as Vilsack takes a dramatic pause. When the cheering and clapping subside, followed by an uncomfortable silence, he drops to his knees, hands clasped in forgiving prayer, Vilsack looks up to the sky as if searching for answers and/or divine intervention.)

I defy you, DLC!
I defy YOU!!!

(Vilsack stands up, rips off the mask, tosses it into the audience, and exits stage left. Moments later he donates the rest of his campaign war chest to Barak Obama’s bid for the White House.)

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Presidential Hopeful Bayh Warns Democrats About Being Too Democratic

On the heels of forming a presidential exploratory committee, the Democratic Leadership Poster Boy, Evan Bayh, issued a warning to Congressional Democrats:

I WANT YOU to be very, very careful about being too Democratic. This is not the time for partisan politics, ideology, or representing your constituents and their ideologies. All I am saying… is “Give Centrism a Chance!” Top 5 Signs the Democrats are Being Too Democratic:

5. Voters can begin telling the difference between Republicans and Democrats

4. Merriam Webster adds “rule by the people” back to its dictionary

3. Sales of the K-Street version of Monopoly plummet

2. Ralph Nader announces he won’t make another run for President

1. The DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) files for Bankruptcy

Sunday, December 3, 2006

McCain to Possess and Exorcise Nussle’s Old Office

U.S. Senator John McCain’s exploratory committee used this Sabbath day to exorcise the demons of Jim Nussle’s former campaign headquarters in Urbandale. Despite the presence of moral and political demons left behind by Nussle during his failed bid for Iowa Governor, McCain plans to take his chances and open his state campaign headquarters on Monday.

On Friday, McCain’s staff received a certified letter from Jimmy the Hustler warning McCain of the potential dangers of taking possession of the office:

Dear Senator McCain,

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christina Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

McCain’s staff immediately dismissed the letter as nonsensical, but McCain woke up Saturday morning singing a different tune. He told staff members that he was visited by three spirits while sleeping: The Ghosts of Adultery Past, Present, and Future. The cadre of spirits cautioned McCain about setting up shop in the demonic abode, showing John three ill-fated glimpses into the political abyss. McCain said he wouldn’t leave anything to chance and purchased a "Do-it-Yourself Exorcism Kit" (see above) and called Jerry Falwell, inviting him to the Urbandale office to perform an exorcism on Sunday.

An ansy Sen. McCain listens to Jerry Falwell lecture him about the dangers of political demons and sleeping with hookers in seedy motels*.

*Speaking of seedy motels, it looks like John's jumping into bed with Jerry in an attempt to court the Christian Right. For McCain's sake, I only hope the bedsprings don't give.