Just in the Saint Nick of time, God’s Senator, Sam Brownback, came out of Kansas’s closet and announced he’s a “full-scale conservative.” In his bid to become God’s President, Brownback weighed in on his own Christian Conservative Ideology, tipping the scales on his new invention and campaign product, The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale. Self-anointed “The Chosen One,” Brownback announced plans to form an exploratory committee in Iowa and plans to set up temples across the state to help spread the Boss’s word through his candidacy. The Brownback Camp, having recently come down from Brownback Mountain, plans to test market the new scale in Iowa -- so the people can figure out just how Christian they are, erasing any pre-existing ambiguities. Here’s a sneak preview of an advertisement:
The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale (Compassion Not Included)
Got Conservative Values? Got Jesus? Well then, what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the only child of the only God, by giving the gift that keeps on giving, the Official Sam Brownback Conservative Values Scale (see right). What could be better than spending Christmas morning by weighing your values on the SBCV Scale, while the children gather round and read carefully selected parts from Jesus’ biography, The New Testament? The scale comes with prerecorded messages by God’s next president, Sam Brownback. Anytime your values begin tipping toward the “Dark Side,” where the bleeding heart liberals await, armed with Jesus’ messages of love and compassion, your new scale will trigger any one of the messages.
Finally, with the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, we’ll finally know where everyone stands and there will be little doubt who the real Christians are in God’s political Kingdom. Get your scale before it’s too late (sound of thunder and crackling lightning here)…
This message was sponsored by the Iowa Bigots for Brownback and is awaiting approval from God and/or Sam Brownback.
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