GOP Debate: “American Conservative Idolatry”

In tonight’s GOP presidential debate, or “Epic Battle for the Conservative Voter’s Seal of Approval,” the candidates will be vying to establish themselves as The Conservative of the GOP Party. In order to gauge an accurate reading, it looks like Political Fallout will have to break out its Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale (Compassion Not Included). Although this scale only works on religious and some social conservatives, it will be a good tool for beginning the conservative vetting process. With all the different sects and branches of conservatism popping up underneath God’s umbrella (e.g. fiscal, cultural, neo-, etc.) it would be impossible to get an exact reading.

I hope the debate moderators hit upon the conservative labeling quagmire from the very beginning, just so the audience can rest assured that all of the candidates are indeed conservatives. I imagine a lightning round of introductions playing out like this:

(Note: Candidates have been ranked by their Political Fallout Conservative Score (PFCS), which is based on the candidates’ own perception of their conservatism and cross referenced with internal polling.)

Moderator: “Will the real conservative candidate please step forward?”

Top Tier Conservatives

Sam Brownback: “I’m God’s Senator, and I’m a Full-Scale Conservative.”

Mike Huckabee: “I’m a Genuine Conservative with genuine convictions.”

Second Tier Conservatives

Tommy Thompson: “Unlike others who say they’re conservatives, yet don’t act conservatively, I’m your Reliable Conservative."

Jim Gilmore: “I’m not just your ordinary, willy-nilly conservative. Why, I’m a Faithful Conservative.”

Duncan Hunter: "I hope to be the Most Conservative."

Born-Again Conservatives

Mitt Romney: "Not only am I a Conservative, I'm a Conservative Republican."

Conservative Flavor of the Week (formerly the Neoconservative Special)

John McCain: "I was a Conservative when it was cool not being Conservative and not a Conservative when it was cool, but now I assure you that I am indeed a Conservative. For now anyway."

Non-Practicing Conservatives (formerly L*beral Conservatives)

Rudy Giuliani: "I'm a Conservative (pause) no, really, I am."

Tune in tonight to watch the candidates battle it out for the no-holds-barred Conservative Rubber Stamp.

Immigration Roundup: Rep. Steve King’s Heart “Two Sizes Too Small”

Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Master of Political Horror and vigilant Crusader against illegal immigration, weighed in with his response to the recent raid on the Swift & Co. meatpacking plant in Marshalltown. King’s primary concern, given the thousands of workers at Swift, was the low arrest rate -- hypothesizing that some illegal immigrants “went through the net.” It appears King has been watching too may “Planet of the Apes'” films.

During a raid on Swift & Co. in Marshalltown, actor and NRA activist Charlton Heston, was ensnared by Homeland Security ICE agents. During an interrogation, Heston's documents revealed his illegal alien status, and he was later deported to his homeland, The Planet of the Apes.

King also revealed his true "compassionate conservative" colors, claiming that some of the children, who were left behind, may be American citizens and will be cared for as such while their parents are deported. Further flexing his compassion muscle, King had these words for the children left behind: “If the family wants to be reunited, there is such a thing as a family reunion on the other side of the border.”

Speaking of weighing in, King stepped up on the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, and not only did he register a “full-scale” Christian Conservative reading, but his heart measured “two sizes too small”.

X-ray photo of Rep. Steve King's heart (actual size)

Apparently King wasn’t completely satisfied with sending more troops over to Iraq (and recommending even more), leaving behind thousands of children without their parents for Christmas. But now that ICE has stormed Swiftville and stole more parents from their children, King’s sadistic smile and the glint in his beady eyes should safely return soon.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. King

You’re a mean one, Mr King.
You really are a political tool.
You’re as cuddly as barbed wire,
You’re as simple as the obligatory fool,
Mr. King.

You’re a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You’re a monster, Mr. King.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You’ve got garlic in your soul,
Mr. King.

I wouldn’t touch you with a
Thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!...

Got God? Get Your Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale

Just in the Saint Nick of time, God’s Senator, Sam Brownback, came out of Kansas’s closet and announced he’s a “full-scale conservative.” In his bid to become God’s President, Brownback weighed in on his own Christian Conservative Ideology, tipping the scales on his new invention and campaign product, The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale. Self-anointed “The Chosen One,” Brownback announced plans to form an exploratory committee in Iowa and plans to set up temples across the state to help spread the Boss’s word through his candidacy. The Brownback Camp, having recently come down from Brownback Mountain, plans to test market the new scale in Iowa -- so the people can figure out just how Christian they are, erasing any pre-existing ambiguities. Here’s a sneak preview of an advertisement:

The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale (Compassion Not Included)

Got Conservative Values? Got Jesus? Well then, what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the only child of the only God, by giving the gift that keeps on giving, the Official Sam Brownback Conservative Values Scale (see right). What could be better than spending Christmas morning by weighing your values on the SBCV Scale, while the children gather round and read carefully selected parts from Jesus’ biography, The New Testament? The scale comes with prerecorded messages by God’s next president, Sam Brownback. Anytime your values begin tipping toward the “Dark Side,” where the bleeding heart liberals await, armed with Jesus’ messages of love and compassion, your new scale will trigger any one of the messages.

Finally, with the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, we’ll finally know where everyone stands and there will be little doubt who the real Christians are in God’s political Kingdom. Get your scale before it’s too late (sound of thunder and crackling lightning here)…

This message was sponsored by the Iowa Bigots for Brownback and is awaiting approval from God and/or Sam Brownback.