Rep. King Exposes “Iraqnophobia,” Blames Pirates for War

During the U.S. House debate on the resolution disapproving the president’s proposed troop surge to Iraq, Iowa’s Political Master of Horror, Steve King, used his five-minute bit to expose laden signs of “Iraqnophobia,” blaming the War in Iraq on Barbary pirates.

Famed Barbary Pirate and founder of Fundamental Terrorism, Aruj Barbarossa, was last seen pillaging oil in the Caspian Sea and selling captured Christians to insurgent forces in Pakistan. Intelligence reports that he's extremely dangerous and not to be fooled by his pirate charm.

Iraqnophobia is a specific strand of Xenophobia (fear or dislike of foreigners) which denotes an abnormal and irrational fear of Iraq. The fear is based on the irrational notion that Iraq is the gateway to Armageddon and that an epic battle for Democracy must be waged until the very end, or the “war on terror” will spread worldwide, toppling Democracy and freedom everywhere in its path. Iraqnophobia is, in many cases, the result of a traumatizing encounter with a fundamentalist religion in one’s early childhood, when one is indoctrinated with a rigid adherence to a set of principles and intolerance of all other views. One view held in “evolutionary psychology” is that sufferers might gain some survival edge by avoiding the dangers of their phobia’s source, regardless of the actual. Iraq, for example, is relatively small in the global scheme and didn’t pose a major terrorist threat until the U.S. intervened, but an Iraqnophobe will do anything, sparing no effort to destroy the source of its phobia.

Based on this definition, it’s clear Steve King is suffering from Iranophobia. As a means of attempting to destroy the irrational fears precipitated by Iraqnophobia, King has made yet another desperate cry for help.

His latest plea came on the House floor when he attempted to make the case for the War on Iraq by trying to connect the dots all the way back to 1786 and the Barbary Pirates:

In 1786, two diplomats, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, went over there to meet with them, and their idea was, we will be able to talk them into peace.

Well, they talked to them all right, and the representative of the Barbary pirates, Mr. Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja, responded to them, and this is in the Congressional Record from Thomas Jefferson’s report. He asked him, why do you fight us, why do you attack us, why do you kill us?

We have done nothing hostile towards you. His answer was, It is founded on the laws of our Prophet. It was written in the Koran. All nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found and to make slaves of all they could not take as prisoners, and that every Muslim who should be slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise.

Aaaarrrggg, I knew it was those cursed Barbary Pirates who started the War in Iraq.

A group of good Christians abducted by Barbary pirates and sold into slavery pose for a Barbarian Pirate video. The captives were forced to display an emblem of their captors, recite passages from the Koran, renounce Christianity, and urge Congressional delegates to end the War in Iraq.

Walking the “Political Wire” (A Review)

Looking for a quick political fix? Need a bump to help stave off an onset of political withdrawls? No problem; Political Fallout has the solution for you. Click on to “Political Wire” (see blogroll under “National Fallout”) and Taegan Goddard will help get you wired.

Political Wire is a political junky’s daily “must read” for your layman political junky, hardcore addict, and political satirists alike. Depending upon where the stars align with each day’s political climate, I fall into all of these categories. PW is the political AP of our times, and I find myself walking the “Political Wire” at least twice a day (without a net mind you), searching for political morsels and unsuspecting subjects for my next satirical bit.

Here’s what some of Political Fallout’s contributors and satiric subjects have to say about “Political Wire”:

“Political Wire keeps close tabs on all the players in D.C., and now that Jimbo and I are bringing our A-game to Iowa, we hope they’ll extend their wire to the Heartland.” (Jimmy the Hustler, “Nussle and Flow”)

“What I love about Political Wire is that it’s fair and balanced (need more link to stories shedding positive light on Romney's presidential bid) and how it keeps me abreast of what’s going on (my latest shift in political philosophy). Without Political Wire (and all my staff who reads the news online to inform me about what’s going on), I would be just another former GOP Yankee governor running for president, who just happens to be a Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong with that).” (Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney)

“If only I could use Political Wire to build a fence along the Mexican Border to help keep out illegal immigrants, who are coming to Iowa in droves in an attempt to vote illegally and overthrow my reign of Western Iowa.” (Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Political Master of Horror)

“I love reading all the articles about me on Political Wire. I only wish they would make it easier to read articles that are just about me. I find it so tiresome having to scroll through headlines and teasers about other candidates who are running for my next job. (Hillary Just Hillary, America’s First Political Diva)

So what are YOU waiting for, Person of the Year? Click on to “Political Wire” and get your political fix. Everybody’s doing it…

Rep. Steve King Experiences “Spinal Tap” Miscalculation

In the film, “Spinal Tap,” band members make a major miscalculation when drawing up the plans (on a bar napkin) for a giant Stonehenge stage prop. They wanted the imitation Stonehenge lowered down on to the stage while singing their hit song, "Stonehenge." Unfortunately, a superfluous apostrophe shrinks the replicated monument from feet to inches, thus humiliating the band in front of their fans.



Meanwhile, Iowa’s Master of Political of Horror, Rep. Steve King, makes a similar miscalculation. While feeding his Mexican border fence fetish, King rebuked new government estimates which nails down the fence with a $49 billion price tag. “Why the Corps of Engineers would put out a number like this, I can’t comprehend,” he said. Citing the Congressional Budget Office’s estimate of $2 billion dollars, Rep. King failed to realize is that this estimate was based on the ACTUAL fence model King displayed on the House congressional floor.

Rep. Steve King unveils model section of proposed Mexican border fence. King Construction Company, now owned by Steve King's number-one son, placed a bid of $2 billion on the 700 foot model fence.

Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Ca and GOP presidential hopeful, echoed King’s rebuke of the government estimate: “It’s just a fence. It’s the kind of fence we build in every part of America every day.”

Everyfence: Hunter Duncan's example of the ubiquitous fence built in every part of America every day.

Rep. Duncan also claimed the government’s research service numbers were “pulled out of thin air by folks who were in the mindset of creating mission impossible.” One of "Mission Impossible's" creators, Tom Cruise, could not be reached for comment. He's currently being held captive at an undisclosed Scientologist compound. (see left)

Immigration Roundup: Rep. Steve King’s Heart “Two Sizes Too Small”

Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Master of Political Horror and vigilant Crusader against illegal immigration, weighed in with his response to the recent raid on the Swift & Co. meatpacking plant in Marshalltown. King’s primary concern, given the thousands of workers at Swift, was the low arrest rate -- hypothesizing that some illegal immigrants “went through the net.” It appears King has been watching too may “Planet of the Apes'” films.

During a raid on Swift & Co. in Marshalltown, actor and NRA activist Charlton Heston, was ensnared by Homeland Security ICE agents. During an interrogation, Heston's documents revealed his illegal alien status, and he was later deported to his homeland, The Planet of the Apes.

King also revealed his true "compassionate conservative" colors, claiming that some of the children, who were left behind, may be American citizens and will be cared for as such while their parents are deported. Further flexing his compassion muscle, King had these words for the children left behind: “If the family wants to be reunited, there is such a thing as a family reunion on the other side of the border.”

Speaking of weighing in, King stepped up on the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, and not only did he register a “full-scale” Christian Conservative reading, but his heart measured “two sizes too small”.

X-ray photo of Rep. Steve King's heart (actual size)

Apparently King wasn’t completely satisfied with sending more troops over to Iraq (and recommending even more), leaving behind thousands of children without their parents for Christmas. But now that ICE has stormed Swiftville and stole more parents from their children, King’s sadistic smile and the glint in his beady eyes should safely return soon.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. King

You’re a mean one, Mr King.
You really are a political tool.
You’re as cuddly as barbed wire,
You’re as simple as the obligatory fool,
Mr. King.

You’re a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You’re a monster, Mr. King.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You’ve got garlic in your soul,
Mr. King.

I wouldn’t touch you with a
Thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!...

Draft King’s Sons by Instituting Undeclared Draft

Upon his return from a backstage visits to the “Theaters of Global War on Terror,” Iowa’s very own Master of Horror, Rep. Steve King, suggested we supply the theaters with an additional 100,000 – 150,000 troops. Invariably, whenever talk of donating, sacrificing, or the spilling of “precious bodily fluids” is bantered about by the Masters of War, you can guarantee talk of reinstaeting the draft will rear its head, just long enough to be picked off by some political hawk who’s trying to protect his own “precious bodily fluids”.

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) has proposed that we reinstate the draft, and King characterized his proposal as a political move (Aren’t all politicians’ moves political?) King contends we need to focus on more aggressive recruitment efforts.

I agree with both of them. We need to arm military recruiters with more weapons by instituting an Undeclared Draft, or what I would like to call, “The Undeclared Draft Act.”

In his book The Things They Carried, author and Vietnam Veteran Tim O’Brien writes: “There should be a law, I thought. If you support a war, if you think it’s worth the price, that’s fine, but you have to put your own precious fluids on the line. You have to head for the front and hook up with an infantry unit and help spill the blood. And you have to bring along your wife, or your kids, or your lover. A law, I thought.”

Since neither the “War on Terror,” nor the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have yet to be officially declared by Congress, it’s only fitting that Congress pass legislation that institutes an Undeclared Draft, possibly adding it to the 22nd amendment. Here’s a working draft of the bill, although I’ll leave the revision process up to our congressmen and women, who should be perfectly capable of obfuscating the following language:

Congress, during times of Undeclared War, shall have the right to institute or reinstitute an Undeclared Draft. Using a lottery system, persons eligible for the Undeclared Draft will be randomly selected from a pool comprised of anyone over the age of 18 who supports any military actions ordered during a time of Undeclared War. The pool will also be extended to include anyone whose mother or father is an elected official and supports, whether it be directly or indirectly, said military actions.

This said, I’ve drafted a petition that calls for the instatement of the Undeclared Draft which will be sent to all of Iowa’s Congressmen Elect, including Rep. Steve King, whose three sons will be the first priority in helping win the “War On Terror”. Please sign the petition (right column) and forward link to everyone you know.

Rep. Steve King Wants to Protect “Precious Bodily Fluids”

Renown General Jack D. Ripper (left) once said: “…Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

In order to protect his own precious bodily fluids -- as well as the bodily fluids of his wife, three sons, wealthy campaign contributors, Christian Right Hawks, and anybody else who thinks we should keep sending more troops to Iraq but is unwilling to donate their own precious fluids to the global war effort – Rep. Steve King thinks the U.S. military should be expanded by 100,000 to 150,000 troops to help relieve the long-term burden on those already sacrificing their precious bodily fluids in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Rejecting Rep. Charles Rangle’s (D-NY) calling for a reinstatement of the draft, King contends we need to step up military recruitment efforts, suggesting there could be “adjustments” to incentives and wages to attract more precious bodily fluids to the military.
“Perhaps we could get some recruiters on some of those campuses like maybeHarvard University, where outside the gates George Washington received hiscommission to command the Continental Army,” said King.

Perhaps, we could get some recruiters to focus their sights on:

The steps of Capitol Hill, where our forefather provided Congress with the power to declare war, although this power, like the truth, has become obsolete.

The U.S./Mexican border, where thousands of Minutemen are gathered (and already armed) to protect us from illegal immigrants who want to steal our jobs, not our precious bodily fluids. Using the Minuteman’s own slogan, “Americans doing the jobs Congress won’t do,” military recruiters will not only already share common ground with these passionate vigilantes, but they’ll also save money on marketing expenses.

Christian Mega-Churches, where masses of people gather to worship in God’s arena and cheer on their righteous brethren as they dominate and destroy their enemies.

Republican Think Tanks, or what our Commander in Chief calls “Thought Boxes,” where people get paid lots of money to think inside the box in lieu of fighting in Iraq.

College and NFL football stadiums: see Christian Mega-Churches.

Rep. Steve King’s house in Kiron, Iowa, where King fathered 3 sons, all of which are perfectly capable of donating their own precious bodily fluids to the global War on Terror.

King to Vacation in Iraq for Thanksgiving Holidays

Iowa’s Master of Political Horror, Rep. Steve King, announced he was planning to make his fourth trip to Iraq to “get away from it all.” Sticking to his claim that the streets of Baghdad are safer than those of Washington, D.C., King decided he needed a taxpayer-financed vacation to help him relax and get in touch with himself before the Democrats took control of the House in January.

To help protect the people of Iraq, King’s aides said they would not release the exact dates and itinerary of King’s vacation. Although, an inside source released the following itinerary of events and places Rep. King will likely attend:

The First Annual Green Zone Block Party: King is expected to be one of the keynote speakers and honorary karaoke performer. Word has it he’ll be performing either a rousing rendition of the Clash’s “Should We Stay of Should We Go Now,” or the Talking Heads’ “We’re on a Road to Nowhere.”

A Doctors Without Borders makeshift hospital: located just outside of Baghdad, the makeshift unit serves as a hospital for wounded military personnel and Iraqi civilians. King wants to personally offer his gratitude for they’re unyielding efforts in the Democracy Crusades. King also wants to meet with hospital administrators and implement a plan to build giant neon signs that read, “No Insurgents Allowed,” and “Insurgents Will Be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law.” The initial response by Iraqi hospital administrators has been lukewarm to King’s idea, namely because he wants all the signs to be in English only. Furthermore, King wants to build a fence around the hospital compound to deter undocumented Iraqi civilians from sneaking in and receiving free medical treatment.

Civil War Denial Intervention: unbeknownst to Rep. Steve King, Iraqi leaders have organized a mass intervention on behalf of the Iowa Congressman. Organizers have amassed military leaders on all sides of the spectrum to help King face his precipitating illusions of grandeur and take the first step in publicly admitting that Iraq is entrenched in a Civil War. A party, catered by a Halliburton subsidiary, is expected to follow King’s outing.