Sunday, December 31, 2006
Meanwhile, My Space Tom’s numbers have grown exponentially, outgrowing the number of recorded births on our planet each day. If My Space Tom can maintain this pace, he will have befriended the entire earth’s population by the year 2025. Quite conceivably, any child born thereafter will already be My Space Tom’s friend before they’ve left the womb. Now that’s impressive!
If I want to win the “War on Toms,” it’s clear I can no longer depend on my adoptive “stay-the-course” strategy. My “War on Toms” policy must change, otherwise I risk losing my self esteem and the faith of those Friends who have already committed themselves to the “War on Toms.”
To help combat Tom Vilsack’s recent surge in “Friends,” I’ve formed a non-partisan “study-group” to look into the My Space quagmire and draft a report which offers suggestions on how I can close the ‘Friend Gap.” The group has finished conducting their studies and has made the following suggestions:
The My Space “War on Toms” Report* (excerpt):
Bring the Friends Home: This policy would call for friends to stop making friends on My Space, shifting the focus on making friends in person in lieu of acquiring virtual friends. Critics of this policy contend that too much has already been invested in the “War on Toms” and we cannot leave My Space until the mission is accomplished. According to My Space Tom’s Secretary of Defense, “A withdrawl of friends indicates a sign of weakness, sending the message to our enemies that we can live without virtual friends. Besides, an immediate withdrawl will certainly guarantee an outbreak of civil war between My Space and Facebook.”
Increase Friend Recruitment: The “War on Toms” has taken a serious toll on Friends by stretching friendships too thin, so it’s imperative to replenish and rebuild the active Friends foundation. One way to increase the potential recruitment base is to loosen up the My Space Friend requirement such as accepting convicted felons and illegal immigrants, and by lowering the I.Q. cut off for potential Friend applicants. Another tactic to consider is using My Space Tom’s “Window Dressing” ploy, which carefully screens Friends' comments and only posts comments from young, eye-alluring Friends – who are either scantily clad or looked as if they just walked off the set of “The O.C.”
Please help by joining the war effort at:
A Surge in Friends: This policy, albeit the least popular, would call for a surge in more Friends and deploying them to My Space hot spots (i.e. The Two Toms’ My Spaces). Critics fear this will only escalate the “War on Toms,” thus widening the gap.
*The full report is awaiting publication at Barnes and Noble Publications and will hopefully be released in the not-so-distant future.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Sources also contend that Saddam requested President Bush’s head for his last meal, but this request was denied by prison authorities.
Political Fallout is standing by to monitor the fallout of Saddam’s hanging, how the Iowa Delegation will respond to his execution, and whether or not Governor-elect, Chet Culver, will use the execution to push a limited-death penalty agenda in Iowa.
Montgomery Burns was caught on camera, releasing Saddam's defense team just before their client's hanging in Baghdad.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Having finally succumbed to the day-to-day pressures of writing a political column for the “Des Moines Register,” David Yepsen has taken his first step out of the delusional closet by admitting he suffers from “Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder.” What pushed him over the edge, you ask? Answer: the War in Iraq. More specifically, it was a combination of the Iraq War and Yepsen trying to enjoy himself on Christmas without having to think about the former, but for those of you avid readers of Yepsen’s column, who needs specifics, eh?
Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder (PTCSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of vicarious exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that a columnist contemplates and/or writes about. The experience does not necessarily involve actually writing about the stressful experiences -- for part of the writing is the brainstorming process -- therefore deep contemplation, Internet surfing, and/or skimming the AP wire about a particular subject may lead to a manifestation of PTCSD.
Symptoms of PTCSD can include the following: incessant ramblings with no clear focus, a detached point-of-view, memory loss, occasional breakdowns and/or lapses in logic, irritability, illusions of grandeur, agoraphobia (wherein columnist is afraid to leave office to research primary sources), inability to decipher fact from fiction, and starting a political blog.
Retrospectively, Yepsen first realized he was suffering from PTCSD when he saw his experiences with the Iraq War as if he were actually in the war, more specifically a prisoner of war being subjected to a contemporary version of an ancient Chinese water torture:
It's like a water torture. The daily drip, drip, drip of it is numbing. For a while, I thought it was just me. After all, I am in the news business, especially the political end of it, and the biggest issue facing the country is what to do about this conflict. So, naturally, I'm surrounded by the debates and discussions all day in the course of my work.
David’s realization was exacerbated when he abandoned Jesus Christ on his Savior’s celebrated day of birth:
I try not to let it get to me. I go through the motions of Christmas, hoping the rituals of the holidays will jump-start the spirit. No luck. My Christmas battery is dead.
Clouded by a state of denial, these initial signs went unnoticed by Yepsen, who in turn projected a barrage of mental “tsk tsks” on unsuspecting Sleepwalkers:
It's not a humbug deal. There's just no "Merry" in front of the word. Instead, I find myself getting irritated with people who act like nothing is out of the ordinary this holiday season.
Next, a state of paralysis ensued, triggering a series of coping mechanisms:
Until you talk to them and discover that, oh, yes, they're aware of the war, are sick of it, but don't know what to do. So they've moved on. Frustrated and at a loss, they look for escapes or distractions. If they are able to find refuge in a shopping trip or a school play, good for them.
Fortunately for David, he has his column to help cope with his paralysis. Good for him. But what about the children?
None of us wants to let the grim news of war cloud a holiday for the children. We take refuge in our own memories of Christmases past and work hard to make good memories for the little ones today.
It’s clear David’s PTCSD has slipped into remission as denial rears its ugly head while he brainstorms for his next column:
They are with a bunch of lonely soldiers far away. They must ache for their loved ones and worry if today will be their day to be dribbled into the grinder of this conflict. I also think of their families at home. How ever do they cope? To hear GIs and families tell it, the folks back home sometimes have more anxiety than the troops in the field. The soldiers at the front are on edge, but they've got their comrades, their brains and pride in what they do to comfort them. (Even when the armor plates are too thin.)
David’s mental wanderings exacerbate a state of seeming paralysis:
Their people back in the States are in the dark, sweating it out, worried sick that the empty spot at the holiday table may become permanent. For a couple of thousand families, it already has. I can do nothing for either, except say my prayers, donate a few bucks to a unit family fund or say a kind word.
Or use your column to analyze and critique politicians and their policies responsible for triggering the PTCSD? Maybe then, the “Merry” will return to Yepsen next Christmas, so he can enjoy the holidays without having to worry about soldiers dying on Jesus’ birthday…
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Big Tobacco’s favorite Iowa prostitute and political mouthpiece, Christopher Rants (R-Sioux City), still opposes Governor-elect Chet Culver’s proposed buck-a-pack tax increase on cigarettes. As the upcoming legislative session looms for the dispossessed House Speaker, Rants has relied on humor as a coping device to deal with his minority leadership status, joking that Iowans will need the minimum wage increase promised by the Democrats just to pay for the pricier cigarettes.
Poor, poor, Christopher. Stick to what you do best: taking money from Big Tobacco and pretending it has no influence on your decision-making process. Denial is the first sign of political prostitution. Sure, the $60,000 you received from Big Tobacco in 2005 played absolutely no role in your staunch opposition to the tax hike, and I imagine you donated the money to your local adopt-a-minimum-wage-earner program, right?
Just think, your $60,000 donation could’ve helped fully finance 5.6 minimum-wage-earners' salaries in 2006.*
Meanwhile, to help finance a increase in the minimum wage, the Iowa Congress should consider putting a “bad joke” jar on the House floor, requiring members to make a $5.15 donation for every infraction. This should help pay for the minimum wage increase in no time, assuming a "tax on ignorance" isn’t levied by the GOP in the meantime.
*40 hours/week x $5.15/hour x 52 weeks
Sunday, December 24, 2006
In the picture above, Rudolph Giuliani is:
A) Daring the Christian Right to “Go ahead, pull my finger.”
B) Posing for a wax sculpture to be displayed at the Museum of Forgotten Republican Hopefuls*
C) Performing his “Dirty Harry” impersonation, warning potential smear tacticians, “Go ahead, make my day!”
D) Participating in a public confessional: “Got skeletons? Just ask Him!”
E) Other: please add response in comments
*The museum is currently closed for remodeling as curators update the 2000 John McCain wax sculpture.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Vol. 1: “Yuletide Hompophobia”
On Wednesday night, Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney’s Commonwealth (oxymoron) PAC (Political Action for Christ and/or Cash) hosted a Christmas party (get drunk in the name of Jesus, commit regrettable acts underneath the mistletoe while simultaneously making mental note to ask Jesus for forgiveness the next day) in West Des Moines (not to be confused with its sinister neighbor, Des Moines), where the GOP faithful (no $ denominations excluded) gathered to celebrate the birth of Jesus (when everybody but Jesus gets to open presents), energize his potential base (fellow same-sex marriage bashers), and take a united stand against Homosexuals (people who, technically, cannot help propagate the Mormon movement with more foot soldiers).
During the festivities, Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney affirmed his opposition to gay marriage. "I feel very strongly (more than my affection for Joseph Smith Jr. and Jesus combined) that we (the insecure) should preserve traditional marriage (one man and as many women as he wants for Fundamentalist Mormons) and at the same time preserve our heritage of respect for people who make different choices in their life (excommunicate them from the Mormon Church immediately!)," said Romney, governor of the only state to have legalized gay marriage. "I know there are some people (those who don’t ascribe to the untenable logic of the Latter day Saints) who would say, 'Your position is inconsistent,' but I don't believe it is (not documented in Joseph Smith Jr.'s teachings)."
Romney opposes same-sex marriage and extending to gay couples most of the legal rights afforded to heterosexual couples. He said Wednesday he was open to allowing gay couples hospital visitation rights (if they wear rubber gloves), for instance, but declined to list other rights he would extend (freedom of religious worship if renounces homosexuality and joins the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints).
Last week, a gay community newspaper in Boston reprinted a letter Romney wrote (cannot be held responsible, for under the influence of human compassion at the time) to a gay GOP group in 1994 in which the then-candidate for U.S. Senate pledged to support the federal Employment Non-Discrimination Act.
"As a result of our discussions (in gay Mormon chat room) and other interactions (while wearing additional layer of protective temple garments) with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever (including Mormon doctrine itself) that as we (the chosen heterosexuals of Jesus Christ) seek to establish full equality (let’s not go overboard here) for America's gay and lesbian citizens (When did they become citizens?), I will provide more effective leadership (behind closet doors) than my opponent (Satan’s Little Helper)," he wrote in the closing weeks of his unsuccessful bid to unseat Sen. Edward Kennedy.
Romney told reporters last week that he no longer supports the federal nondiscrimination act, saying it would invite a flood of lawsuits (build Ark and save Mormon followers from deluge of litigation), according to press reports. He has also said that his support for equal rights for gays and his opposition to legal status for gay couples are consistent (blind faith here).
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christian Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.
Since then, McCain has been leading with the right and has decided to leave NOTHING to chance in his bid to be the next President of the United States:
First he attempted to court the Christian Right by jumping into bed with Jerry Falwell and hired one of his former staffers to complete the Christian Right threesome.
Then he hired a smear-campaign specialist, Terry Nelson, to be his national campaign manager. This is the man behind the phone-jamming case in New Hampshire and the more notable “Harold, call me!” ad campaign, which smeared Harold Ford in his senatorial bid in Tennessee.
If this wasn’t enough, McCain has lovingly embraced Henry Kissinger, naming him Honorary Co-Chair for his presidential campaign in New York:
John and Henry were sitting in a tree:
First comes Iraq, then comes escalation,
Then comes Civil War and economic devastation.
A surprised Henry Kissinger and John McCain were caught discussing "Straight Talk" behind closed doors.
And now America’s favorite P.O.W. has set his vengeful sites on a target so insidious, the mere mention of its name could prove detrimental to the fate of “Political Fallout.” An unbridled foe that has been linked to the breakdown of moral fiber in America, the increase of child pornography and sexual predators, high gas prices, Katrina, the War in Iraq, global terrorism, the viability of free speech, Britney Spears’s second divorce, politicians who exploit children to enact politicized legislation, global warming, and worst of all, the Democrat’s takeover of both the House and the Senate.
No folks, I’m not talking about rampant ignorance, I’m talking about something exponentially more evil, quite possibly the fourth “Axis of Evil;” I’m talking about (gasp): Bloggers.
McCain’s drafted proposal, called the “Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children Act,” aims to cut down the perpetuation of child pornography on the Internet. Albeit a worthy initiative, but McCain is ironically exploiting the exploitation of exploited children to underhandedly declare a “War on Bloggers” by limiting and/or eliminating open discussions on blogs.
Here are some of the highlights of the legislation found on “Think Progress”:
- Commercial websites and personal blogs “would be required to report illegal images or videos posted by their users or pay fines of up to $300,000.”
- Internet service providers (ISPs) are already required to issue such reports, but under McCain’s legislation, bloggers with comment sections may face “even stiffer penalties” than ISPs.
- Social networking sites will be forced to take “effective measures” — such as deleting user profiles — to remove any website that is “associated” with a sex offender. Sites may include not only Facebook and MySpace, but also Amazon.com, which permits author profiles and personal lists, and blogs like DailyKos, which allows users to sign up for personal diaries.
So Ol’ John Boy wants to regulate comments on blogs, eh? What are you really scared of, Straight Talkin’ Johnny? The Truth?
Since McCain has taken the initiative and drawn first blood, I have three words for you, Straight Talkin’ Johnny: “Bring it on!” Political Fallout has officially declared a “War on McCain.”
To get things started, it’s apt we return fire by using the comment option below to return fire and mock the enemy.
We’ll call this first stage of the campaign: “Keep on Mockin’ in the Free World.” Take arms and leave your comments. If you’re having trouble “getting’ your mock on,” use some of the following springboards to help jumpstart your mockery skills:
McCain’s chances of becoming Presdient are about as good as…
McCain, Falwell, and Kissinger walked into a bar and the bartender said…
What do you get when you cross McCain with (choose one) Henry Kissinger, Jerry Falwell, a 200-pound Guerilla?
There once was a man from Arizona…
How many lightbulbs does it take…
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
In the meantime, Newt has agreed to put his Hubris aside and has pledged to support his Republican brethren. Gingrich's staff said Newt's Hubris will be stored in an undisclosed hangar. (see below)
Former home of Donald Rumsfeld's Hubris and future home of Newt Gingrich's Hubris.
Monday, December 18, 2006
* David = Tom Vilsack, Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Wes Clark
** Goliath = Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Barak Obama
*** The Right David = the Media
**** Circumstances beyond our control = Barak Obama: Bayh’s appearance in New Hampshire last weekend drew little notice, while Obama gave two speeches to sold-out crowds of people and reporters. Overshadowed by Obama’s current rock-star status, Bayh was relegated to touring the county fair circuit.
In related news:
William "the Refrigerator" Perry has already signed on to play Barak Obama in the film, "David vs. Goliath: The Democratic Primaries." The film is set to be released in early January of 2008.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
During a raid on Swift & Co. in Marshalltown, actor and NRA activist Charlton Heston, was ensnared by Homeland Security ICE agents. During an interrogation, Heston's documents revealed his illegal alien status, and he was later deported to his homeland, The Planet of the Apes.
King also revealed his true "compassionate conservative" colors, claiming that some of the children, who were left behind, may be American citizens and will be cared for as such while their parents are deported. Further flexing his compassion muscle, King had these words for the children left behind: “If the family wants to be reunited, there is such a thing as a family reunion on the other side of the border.”
Speaking of weighing in, King stepped up on the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, and not only did he register a “full-scale” Christian Conservative reading, but his heart measured “two sizes too small”.
X-ray photo of Rep. Steve King's heart (actual size)
Apparently King wasn’t completely satisfied with sending more troops over to Iraq (and recommending even more), leaving behind thousands of children without their parents for Christmas. But now that ICE has stormed Swiftville and stole more parents from their children, King’s sadistic smile and the glint in his beady eyes should safely return soon.
You’re a Mean One, Mr. King
You’re a mean one, Mr King.
You really are a political tool.
You’re as cuddly as barbed wire,
You’re as simple as the obligatory fool,
You’re a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.
You’re a monster, Mr. King.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You’ve got garlic in your soul,
I wouldn’t touch you with a
Thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!...
Friday, December 15, 2006
“A cautionary tale about the fragility of Democracy. It is an alarming, eerily timeless look at how fascism could take hold in America. Written during the Great Depression, when the country was largely oblivious to Hitler’s aggression, it juxtaposes sharp political satire with the realistic rise of a president who becomes a dictator to save the nation from welfare cheats, rampant promiscuity, crime, and a liberal press.” (Book Jacket)
That was Then...
“Cure the evils of Democracy by the evils of Fascism! Funny therapeutics. I’ve heard of their curing syphilis by giving the patient malaria, but I’ve never heard of their curing malaria by giving the patient syphilis!” (Doremus Jessep, editor and proprietor of the Daily Informer, the Bible of the conservative Vermont farmers up and down the Beulah Valley.)
And this is Now (61 years later)…
We’re curing the flaws of Democracy by attempting to outsource our ideology into other countries, injecting them with a Democratic Serum* guaranteed to help spread Democracy.
*Warning: The Democratic Serum has yet to be approved by the U.N. and possible side-effects include an outbreak of Civil War, a crippling economy, hair loss, incompetence, infertility, impotence, splintered nations, global hostility and/or increased anti-Americanism, rash behavior, a spike in political blogs, sectarian violence, increased terrorism and spread of terrorist cells, and death.
But remember, “It Can’t Happen Here”…
Thursday, December 14, 2006
World premier performed at Political Fallout’s Theatre of the Politically Absurd
Estragon: former Al Gore Campaigner
Vladimir: former John Kerry Campaigner
Pozzo: Lucky’s Handler
ACT I, scene 1
Setting: Iowa. A country road. A tree. Evening. Estragon, sitting on a pile of hanging chad ballots, trying to piece detached chads together. He gives up, frustrated and exhausted, rests, and tries again. As before, enters Vladimir.
Estragon: (giving up again): Nothing to be done.
Vladimir: (enters and sits on mound of chad ballots) I’m beginning to come 'round to that opinion. So there you are again, plugging away at those hanging chads.
Estragon: Am I?
Vladimir: I’m glad to see you back, I thought you were gone forever.
Estragon: Me, too.
Vladimir: Where was your Highness last night.
Estragon: Watching An Inconvenient Truth through the window of a video store.
Vladimir: With no sound?
Estragon: The images spoke for themselves.
Vladimir: It’s too much for one man. Bah, what did the images say?
Estragon: I’m melting…I’m melting…
Vladimir: Did you ever read The Bible?
Estragon: The Bible… (He reflects). I’ve read the interesting parts.
Vladimir: Meaning the Gospels?
Estragon: If those be the interesting parts, then yes, the Gospels. I remember the maps of the Holy Land. Colored they were. Very pretty. The Dead Sea was pale blue. Now it’s (reflects) black with chocolate swirls.
Vladimir: Now I’m craving ice cream.
Estragon: Me too. Let’s go.
Vladimir: But we can’t go.
Estragon: Why not?
Vladimir: We’re waiting for Hillary.
Estragon: (despairingly) Ah! (pause) You sure it was here? In Iowa?
Vladimir: Yes. She said to wait here, by the tree. Look, here comes her page now. (Page enters.)
Page: Ms. Clinton told me to tell you she won’t come this evening.
Vladimir: Is that all?
Page: No, Sir. Ms. Clinton said she will come tomorrow.
Vladimir: All right, you may go.
Page: What am I to tell Ms. Clinton, Sir?
Vladimir: Tell her…(he hesitates) you saw us. You saw us sitting here, waiting. You did see us waititng, didn’t you?
Page: Yes, sir. (Steps back, hesitates, turns and exits running.)
Estragon: Should we go then?
Vladimir: The page said Ms. Clinton was sure to come tomorrow. (pause) What do you say to that?
Estragon: Then all we have to do is wait here.
Vladimir: We can still part if you think it would be better.
Estragon: It’s not worthwhile now. (silence)
Vladimir: No, it’s not worth while now. (silence)
Estragon: Well, shall we go?
Vladimir: Yes, let’s go.
(They do not move. Curtain.)
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Lil’ Nibblers: A little something for political satirists and to nibble on until the Republicans start showing up to the dinner table and opening their mouths.
Al Gore Burning-Bush Tossed Salad: Smothered in Red-Sea Vinaigrette, this organic salad is deeply rooted in the Appalachians -- where Al took solace after the 2000 election, conversed with God and returned to impart Inconvenient Truths. (Due to the exponential rise in allergic reactions to the Truth, you may request to have the Truth either mixed in or served on the side.)
Main Courses: The D.L.C. Meat and Potatoes
Hillary Clinton Fillet Mignon (16 oz.): Marinated in a vat of corporate money, this seasoned meat will appeal to all centrist pallets and is bound to catch the ire of satirists on both sides of the fence. The dish comes served with a choice of side, either Tom Vilsack or Evan Bayh.
John Edwards’ Son of a Mill Worker Apple Pie: Nothing spells populism better than a slice of homemade apple pie. Ummmmmm…don’t let the smell of the American Dream wafting through the window blow by you this time.
The Barak Obama Sacred Cow: The hottest item on the menu at Chez Fallout, guaranteed to singe the pallets of the most discriminatory taste buds. Most political satirists aren’t willing to touch this item -- not even with a 34-and-a-half foot pole.
*Due to an E. coli breakout, this item has been temporarily removed from the menu until the epidemic can be successfully quarantined. Any signs or sightings of John Kerry in the state of Iowa should be immediately reported to Chez Political Fallout and/or The Center for Political Disease Control.
Republican All-You-Can-Eat Moveable Feast
All items on this menu are served as part of the All-You-Can-Eat Moveable Feast served 24 hours/day and 7/days a week.
In case you missed the subtext, here’s Political Fallout’s predictions if the Iowa Caucuses were held today:
Democrats: Obama, followed by Edwards, Hillary, and Vilsack
Republicans: Who cares? (Other than Republicans and political satirists, whose job security depends on these folks.)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
In an attempt to close the “Friend Gap” on My Space, I declared war on the Two Toms: Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom. Unfortunately the gap has only widened since Vilsack hit the campaign trial, making new friends in New Hampshire, Las Vegas, South Carolina, and other pit stops on the front end of the Presidential Caucus Trail of Tears.
My Space Tom: 137,796,640 (133,070,457 on 11/25/06)
Meanwhile My Space Tom keeps making new friends exponentially (nearly 4.5 million in 3 weeks), stockpiling friends for the post-War-on-Toms’ Era, when the cyber wall comes crumbling down.
T.M. Lindsey: 10 (1 on 11/25/06)
Although I just recently cracked the double-digit barrier on My Space, I plan on remaining optimistic, plugging away at the war effort. My friend count has risen 1000%, whereas Vilsack’s friend count has gone up only 36%, while My Space Tom has seen a mere 4.5% growth since the “War on Toms” began.
That said, please help me close the “Friend Gap” by becoming my dear friend and join the war effort:
Friday, December 8, 2006
The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale (Compassion Not Included)
Got Conservative Values? Got Jesus? Well then, what better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the only child of the only God, by giving the gift that keeps on giving, the Official Sam Brownback Conservative Values Scale (see right). What could be better than spending Christmas morning by weighing your values on the SBCV Scale, while the children gather round and read carefully selected parts from Jesus’ biography, The New Testament? The scale comes with prerecorded messages by God’s next president, Sam Brownback. Anytime your values begin tipping toward the “Dark Side,” where the bleeding heart liberals await, armed with Jesus’ messages of love and compassion, your new scale will trigger any one of the messages.
Finally, with the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, we’ll finally know where everyone stands and there will be little doubt who the real Christians are in God’s political Kingdom. Get your scale before it’s too late (sound of thunder and crackling lightning here)…
This message was sponsored by the Iowa Bigots for Brownback and is awaiting approval from God and/or Sam Brownback.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy,--
Thou art thyself, though not a Vilsack.
What’s Vilsack? It is not hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? That which we call a Republican
By any other name would smell of defeat…
To look deeper into this, Political Fallout will unfold a V-part series which examines the possible subtext, allusions, hidden meanings, and/or prophetic implications of Vilsack’s “V”.
Vilsack’s allusion to the symbolic “V” in “V for Vendetta” is by no means a coincidence. As V, the film’s main character states: “I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence.” Both the film and Vilsack’s run for the presidency share a number of similarities. V and Vilsack are planting the seeds for a people-powered revolution in November, in which the people overthrow the reign of an inept regime fueled by the moral hypocrisies of right-wing extremists. Hmmm…sound familiar?
The symbol “V” itself is derived from an upside down “A”, similar to that of the Anarchists’ symbol, so the question is whether or not Vilsack is subconsciously inciting a grassroots anarchy, or better yet, an upside-down grassroots anarchy:
Vive le DLC!
Vive le DLC!!
Vive le DLC!!!
V: In his vivacious quest for a revolution, V is well versed in the King’s vernacular and uses V-inspired alliteration when introducing himself and vexing villains:
"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."
V also has a tendency to invoke Shakespeare quotes to appeal to the valiant tastes of the more civilized revolutionaries:
"The multiplying villainies of nature do swarm upon him...(Skipping four of the original lines) Disdaining fortune with his brandished steel/which smoked with bloody execution..." (Macbeth 1.2.17-18)
"We are oft to blame in this. 'Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." (Hamlet 3.1.46-49)
"And thus I clothe my naked villainy/With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;/And seem a saint, when most I play the devil" (Richard III (play) 1.3.336-38)
"I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none." (Macbeth 1.7.17-18)
Vilsack: must also use a fine-tuned, well-scripted vernacular to overcome his pundit prophesized long-shot status -- if he’s to win the Democratic Party nod. Peppering his speeches with Shakespearean and Shakespeare-inspired quotes might help further Vilsack’s political cause as well.
"Thank you. Thank you all. I would like to begin with a quote from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, 'Conceal me what I am, and be my aid. For such disguise as haply shall become the form of my intent.'"
(A bewildered audience looks on as Vilsack takes a dramatic pause. When the cheering and clapping subside, followed by an uncomfortable silence, he drops to his knees, hands clasped in forgiving prayer, Vilsack looks up to the sky as if searching for answers and/or divine intervention.)
I defy you, DLC!
I defy YOU!!!
(Vilsack stands up, rips off the mask, tosses it into the audience, and exits stage left. Moments later he donates the rest of his campaign war chest to Barak Obama’s bid for the White House.)
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
I WANT YOU to be very, very careful about being too Democratic. This is not the time for partisan politics, ideology, or representing your constituents and their ideologies. All I am saying… is “Give Centrism a Chance!” Top 5 Signs the Democrats are Being Too Democratic:
5. Voters can begin telling the difference between Republicans and Democrats
4. Merriam Webster adds “rule by the people” back to its dictionary
3. Sales of the K-Street version of Monopoly plummet
2. Ralph Nader announces he won’t make another run for President
1. The DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) files for Bankruptcy
Sunday, December 3, 2006
On Friday, McCain’s staff received a certified letter from Jimmy the Hustler warning McCain of the potential dangers of taking possession of the office:
Dear Senator McCain,
Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christina Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.
Jimmy the Hustler
McCain’s staff immediately dismissed the letter as nonsensical, but McCain woke up Saturday morning singing a different tune. He told staff members that he was visited by three spirits while sleeping: The Ghosts of Adultery Past, Present, and Future. The cadre of spirits cautioned McCain about setting up shop in the demonic abode, showing John three ill-fated glimpses into the political abyss. McCain said he wouldn’t leave anything to chance and purchased a "Do-it-Yourself Exorcism Kit" (see above) and called Jerry Falwell, inviting him to the Urbandale office to perform an exorcism on Sunday.
An ansy Sen. McCain listens to Jerry Falwell lecture him about the dangers of political demons and sleeping with hookers in seedy motels*.
*Speaking of seedy motels, it looks like John's jumping into bed with Jerry in an attempt to court the Christian Right. For McCain's sake, I only hope the bedsprings don't give.
Friday, December 1, 2006
Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) has proposed that we reinstate the draft, and King characterized his proposal as a political move (Aren’t all politicians’ moves political?) King contends we need to focus on more aggressive recruitment efforts.
I agree with both of them. We need to arm military recruiters with more weapons by instituting an Undeclared Draft, or what I would like to call, “The Undeclared Draft Act.”
In his book The Things They Carried, author and Vietnam Veteran Tim O’Brien writes: “There should be a law, I thought. If you support a war, if you think it’s worth the price, that’s fine, but you have to put your own precious fluids on the line. You have to head for the front and hook up with an infantry unit and help spill the blood. And you have to bring along your wife, or your kids, or your lover. A law, I thought.”
Since neither the “War on Terror,” nor the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have yet to be officially declared by Congress, it’s only fitting that Congress pass legislation that institutes an Undeclared Draft, possibly adding it to the 22nd amendment. Here’s a working draft of the bill, although I’ll leave the revision process up to our congressmen and women, who should be perfectly capable of obfuscating the following language:
Congress, during times of Undeclared War, shall have the right to institute or reinstitute an Undeclared Draft. Using a lottery system, persons eligible for the Undeclared Draft will be randomly selected from a pool comprised of anyone over the age of 18 who supports any military actions ordered during a time of Undeclared War. The pool will also be extended to include anyone whose mother or father is an elected official and supports, whether it be directly or indirectly, said military actions.
This said, I’ve drafted a petition that calls for the instatement of the Undeclared Draft which will be sent to all of Iowa’s Congressmen Elect, including Rep. Steve King, whose three sons will be the first priority in helping win the “War On Terror”. Please sign the petition (right column) and forward link to everyone you know.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
In order to protect his own precious bodily fluids -- as well as the bodily fluids of his wife, three sons, wealthy campaign contributors, Christian Right Hawks, and anybody else who thinks we should keep sending more troops to Iraq but is unwilling to donate their own precious fluids to the global war effort – Rep. Steve King thinks the U.S. military should be expanded by 100,000 to 150,000 troops to help relieve the long-term burden on those already sacrificing their precious bodily fluids in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Rejecting Rep. Charles Rangle’s (D-NY) calling for a reinstatement of the draft, King contends we need to step up military recruitment efforts, suggesting there could be “adjustments” to incentives and wages to attract more precious bodily fluids to the military.
“Perhaps we could get some recruiters on some of those campuses like maybeHarvard University, where outside the gates George Washington received hiscommission to command the Continental Army,” said King.
Perhaps, we could get some recruiters to focus their sights on:
The steps of Capitol Hill, where our forefather provided Congress with the power to declare war, although this power, like the truth, has become obsolete.
The U.S./Mexican border, where thousands of Minutemen are gathered (and already armed) to protect us from illegal immigrants who want to steal our jobs, not our precious bodily fluids. Using the Minuteman’s own slogan, “Americans doing the jobs Congress won’t do,” military recruiters will not only already share common ground with these passionate vigilantes, but they’ll also save money on marketing expenses.
Christian Mega-Churches, where masses of people gather to worship in God’s arena and cheer on their righteous brethren as they dominate and destroy their enemies.
Republican Think Tanks, or what our Commander in Chief calls “Thought Boxes,” where people get paid lots of money to think inside the box in lieu of fighting in Iraq.
College and NFL football stadiums: see Christian Mega-Churches.
Rep. Steve King’s house in Kiron, Iowa, where King fathered 3 sons, all of which are perfectly capable of donating their own precious bodily fluids to the global War on Terror.
Monday, November 27, 2006
And with only 710 day remaining before the presidential election, what better way to remind us of the election’s urgency than “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving when “common sense” becomes an oxymoron. On this day, people subject themselves to a ritual that animals, had they been blessed with rationale thought, would have sacrificed for another helping of leftover tofurkey.
As political junkies wait outside of Politicians ‘R Us SuperStore, the big question remains: What will be this election cycle’s hot new items? Here’s a preview of some products shoppers will have to look forward to when the revolving doors start spinning and voters make the mad scramble towards the “Presidential Hopeful Section”:
Aisle 1 – New Democrats’ “Vital Center”: The DLC, or Democratic Leadership Corporation, will unveil its line of products, not taking any chances this cycle, but rather, relying on name recognition and corporate sponsors to help market their products.
Hillary Clinton Bratz Doll: The newest Bratz doll is sure to stir up bitter feelings among her “Bratzpack” members as she attempts to shirk her Diva attitude and "fashionista" outfits for stodgy conservative attire and a brazen life on the presidential campaign trail. The DLC is willing to throw in its current chairman, Tom Vilsack, as an added bonus -- and hopefully, come caucus time, some Iowa delegates for loyal party shoppers.
John Edwards Two-America’s Demolition Kit & One-America Erector Set: This item is expected to be a top seller among children whose parents reside on the bottom 99% of the economic ladder. Children will have loads of fun demolishing the only Two Americas they know and then rebuilding One-America -- in which the class lines are blurred. The one drawback to this item is the concern that once the children completely destroy the Two Americas, they’ll get bored and abandon their One-America Erector Sets.
Aisle 2 – Democrats’ Hot New Deal:
Barak Obama Audacity of Hope Action Figure: Guaranteed to be the hottest item on the shelves and should give the DLC product line a run for its corporate money. Using test-marketed results from the midterm elections, early prognosticators have indicated the Obama Audacity of Hope Action figure is destined to be bigger than the Jesus Action Figure.
Aisle 3 – Republicans’ Red Tag Specials:
G.I. John McCain with Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip: Manufacturers have finally updated the G.I. John Doll after sales plummeted in 2000 when the Christian Right helped finance a smear campaign to help push their own George W. Bush Bobble Doll over the top. Adding a Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip, G.I. John’s take-no-prisoners attitude is guaranteed to bloody the campaign trail.
Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani Tickle-Me-Mistress Dolls (Mistress Not Included): Nothing sells better than controversy, especially when sex scandals are involved, so these two adulterer dolls should fly off the shelves come election time. (Note: These items are sold separately and, like an abortion is some states, require parental notification upon purchase.)
Mitt Romney’s Temple Garments (underwear) – Traditionally used by members of the Latter Day Saints to shield and protect them against the powers of evil, Mitt’s line of Temple Garments will not only provide him with an extra layer of warmth while campaigning in Iowa during the winter months, but the garments will also protect him from his fellow running mates and their sins. (see above)
The Aisle of Misfit Politicians (a.k.a. Damaged Goods Bin):
Jester John Kerry-in-a-Box: A popular item back in the Anybody-but-Bush days, but thanks to the 22nd amendment, those days are over and this product has been discontinued. Although it possesses a faulty spring loader, don’t be surprised if the Jester John Kerry pops up along the campaign trail. (Buyers’ Beware: DLC manufacturers have put a recall on this item because of the faulty spring loader and computerized voice box which veers from the script, botches jokes, and causes liberal bashers to break out into hives.)
The Biodegradable Al Gore Doll: Despite the mass-marketing campaign though the film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” a recent Consumers’ Political Consumer report has found that the doll isn’t completely biodegradable, for the smell of losing to Bush in 2000 never completely fades away.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
The answer: a 30-year old guy named Tom from Santa Monica, California -- who, by the way, could be the most popular man in the world, weighing in with a mere 133,070,457 friends on My Space. It helps that Tom is employed by My Space, but if the other Tom, the Vilsack Tom can tap into My Space Tom’s network of friends, befriend these folks and get them to vote for him in the ’08 election, President Vilsacks’s “Friend Space” will mushroom exponentially, possibly helping him surpass My Space Tom’s popularity. Fortunately for Vilsack, Santa Monica Tom won’t be old enough to run for president in ’08, otherwise Vilsack would have to reassess his friendship with Tom.
As a political satirist, it pays to get close to my subjects and see what makes them tick, or not tick as is the case with a number of elected politicians, so I joined My Space with the intent of infiltrating Vilsack’s Friend Space. I’ve taken the initial step by inviting myself to join Tom Vilsack’s network, but I have yet to be officially invited. I’m hoping it’s just the holidays. I’m sure, like most red-blooded American’s, Tom’s still recovering from a turkey binge.
Nonetheless, I’ve found all of the new attention on My Space quite flattering. I’m already hooked, and I need to score some more friends. Fast. I got a taste of one Tom, looking to suffice my addiction with a fix from another Tom, and who knows where my addiction will lead, possibly a job at My Space or in the Oval Office
But first, I must declare a “War on Toms” and close the “Friend Gap” on the Two Toms, starting with Vilsack Tom who has already logged 376 friends. Once I close this gap, I’ll set my sights on the My Space Superpower, Santa Clara Tom, who has already stockpiled enough friends to populate an island in Europe and take over the European Union.
I only have one friend, so I’m counting on you, dear reader and potential friend, to help me win this war. Go to My Space and join my Friend Network before it’s too late:
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
To help protect the people of Iraq, King’s aides said they would not release the exact dates and itinerary of King’s vacation. Although, an inside source released the following itinerary of events and places Rep. King will likely attend:
The First Annual Green Zone Block Party: King is expected to be one of the keynote speakers and honorary karaoke performer. Word has it he’ll be performing either a rousing rendition of the Clash’s “Should We Stay of Should We Go Now,” or the Talking Heads’ “We’re on a Road to Nowhere.”
A Doctors Without Borders makeshift hospital: located just outside of Baghdad, the makeshift unit serves as a hospital for wounded military personnel and Iraqi civilians. King wants to personally offer his gratitude for they’re unyielding efforts in the Democracy Crusades. King also wants to meet with hospital administrators and implement a plan to build giant neon signs that read, “No Insurgents Allowed,” and “Insurgents Will Be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law.” The initial response by Iraqi hospital administrators has been lukewarm to King’s idea, namely because he wants all the signs to be in English only. Furthermore, King wants to build a fence around the hospital compound to deter undocumented Iraqi civilians from sneaking in and receiving free medical treatment.
Civil War Denial Intervention: unbeknownst to Rep. Steve King, Iraqi leaders have organized a mass intervention on behalf of the Iowa Congressman. Organizers have amassed military leaders on all sides of the spectrum to help King face his precipitating illusions of grandeur and take the first step in publicly admitting that Iraq is entrenched in a Civil War. A party, catered by a Halliburton subsidiary, is expected to follow King’s outing.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I'm your boogie man, that's what I am.
I'm here to do whatever I can.
Despite rumors circulating on the national political scene that Tom Vilsack’s presidential bid will “scare off” the competition in the Iowa caucuses, Vilsack denies he’s the Boogeyman. Vilsack issued an open invitation to a national cable audience: "I think every candidate for president who's interested in being the President of the United States needs to come to Iowa and we need to campaign together.”
This said, I wonder what other potential Boogeymen and/or Boogeywomen will rear their heads and enter the presidential race -- emerging from underneath the bed or basement stairs, a dark closet, an abandoned warehouse in Texas, the oval office, or an undisclosed Wal-Mart near you.
The big question for Iowans is: Do we have enough room for more than one Boogeyman? After all, we already have our own Boogey man and “Master of Horror,” Rep. Steve King.
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha