Monday, November 27, 2006

Black Friday: Only 710 Shopping Days Until ’08 Election

The Christmas retail blitzkrieg began hitting the shelves days before Halloween hit full fruition, not even giving one of America’s favorite pagan holidays a chance to fully bask in its heathen glory. The same can be said about the midterm elections. The election victors had little time to celebrate before presidential hopefuls began stealing their thunder by throwing (or contemplating throwing) their names into the ’08 political cauldron.

And with only 710 day remaining before the presidential election, what better way to remind us of the election’s urgency than “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving when “common sense” becomes an oxymoron. On this day, people subject themselves to a ritual that animals, had they been blessed with rationale thought, would have sacrificed for another helping of leftover tofurkey.

As political junkies wait outside of Politicians ‘R Us SuperStore, the big question remains: What will be this election cycle’s hot new items? Here’s a preview of some products shoppers will have to look forward to when the revolving doors start spinning and voters make the mad scramble towards the “Presidential Hopeful Section”:

Aisle 1 – New Democrats’ “Vital Center”: The DLC, or Democratic Leadership Corporation, will unveil its line of products, not taking any chances this cycle, but rather, relying on name recognition and corporate sponsors to help market their products.

Hillary Clinton Bratz Doll: The newest Bratz doll is sure to stir up bitter feelings among her “Bratzpack” members as she attempts to shirk her Diva attitude and "fashionista" outfits for stodgy conservative attire and a brazen life on the presidential campaign trail. The DLC is willing to throw in its current chairman, Tom Vilsack, as an added bonus -- and hopefully, come caucus time, some Iowa delegates for loyal party shoppers.

John Edwards Two-America’s Demolition Kit & One-America Erector Set: This item is expected to be a top seller among children whose parents reside on the bottom 99% of the economic ladder. Children will have loads of fun demolishing the only Two Americas they know and then rebuilding One-America -- in which the class lines are blurred. The one drawback to this item is the concern that once the children completely destroy the Two Americas, they’ll get bored and abandon their One-America Erector Sets.

Aisle 2 – Democrats’ Hot New Deal:

Barak Obama Audacity of Hope Action Figure: Guaranteed to be the hottest item on the shelves and should give the DLC product line a run for its corporate money. Using test-marketed results from the midterm elections, early prognosticators have indicated the Obama Audacity of Hope Action figure is destined to be bigger than the Jesus Action Figure.

Aisle 3 – Republicans’ Red Tag Specials:

G.I. John McCain with Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip: Manufacturers have finally updated the G.I. John Doll after sales plummeted in 2000 when the Christian Right helped finance a smear campaign to help push their own George W. Bush Bobble Doll over the top. Adding a Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip, G.I. John’s take-no-prisoners attitude is guaranteed to bloody the campaign trail.

Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani Tickle-Me-Mistress Dolls (Mistress Not Included): Nothing sells better than controversy, especially when sex scandals are involved, so these two adulterer dolls should fly off the shelves come election time. (Note: These items are sold separately and, like an abortion is some states, require parental notification upon purchase.)

Mitt Romney’s Temple Garments (underwear) – Traditionally used by members of the Latter Day Saints to shield and protect them against the powers of evil, Mitt’s line of Temple Garments will not only provide him with an extra layer of warmth while campaigning in Iowa during the winter months, but the garments will also protect him from his fellow running mates and their sins. (see above)

The Aisle of Misfit Politicians (a.k.a. Damaged Goods Bin):

Jester John Kerry-in-a-Box: A popular item back in the Anybody-but-Bush days, but thanks to the 22nd amendment, those days are over and this product has been discontinued. Although it possesses a faulty spring loader, don’t be surprised if the Jester John Kerry pops up along the campaign trail. (Buyers’ Beware: DLC manufacturers have put a recall on this item because of the faulty spring loader and computerized voice box which veers from the script, botches jokes, and causes liberal bashers to break out into hives.)

The Biodegradable Al Gore Doll: Despite the mass-marketing campaign though the film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” a recent Consumers’ Political Consumer report has found that the doll isn’t completely biodegradable, for the smell of losing to Bush in 2000 never completely fades away.


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