Saturday, April 9, 2011

Top Ten Signs Donald Trump is Serious About Running for President

It seems that if you want to grab and hold the media’s attention these days, all you have to do is drink tigers’ blood or booze with pickles, run around in public and babble incoherently about nothing to total strangers and take yourself too seriously. At least these are the modern-day prerequisites for running for President of the United States -- or at least pretending to run for president while prick-teasing the media.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump keeps threatening to make a presidential run but hasn’t made it official, which involves forming an exploratory committee to search your parents’ basement and attic with the task of finding your original birth certificate and making an obligatory appearance on "The View". Next you send out press releases telling them you plan on making an important announcement at some historical American wasteland landmark such as Liberty Taco Bell in Philadelphia or The Mall of America or Carhenge in Alliance, Nebraska.

Carhenge: Nothing smacks of Americana more than makeshift graveyard of American-made cars passed off as art

Before the event, you leak information that you plan on announcing that you’ve filed papers and you’re running for president. But at the actual event, you tease the media by telling them you have list of names of 257 card-carrying Terrorists working for Homeland Security in your breast pocket are officially forming a presidential exploratory committee, now that the preliminary exploratory committee manufactured a new birth certificate claiming you were born at said landmark has located your birth certificate, thus proving you are over 36 years of age, were born in America and are prone to 4-year cycles of hyper-narcissism.

That said, news leaked by Donald Trump’s legion of underpaid casino workers interns indicate that he’s in the preliminary exploratory process, thus indicating he’s taking the first serious step in making a presidential run, which leads to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week's Topic: Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President

10. Using “Celebrity Apprentice” next season to help choose Vice President running mate

9. Apologized to James Dobson for leaving a horse’s head at the foot of his bed

8. Boycotting own show to generate more press

7. Fired videographer after reading John Edward’s new book, “The Idiot’s Guide to Running for President”

6. Acquired Diebold Voting Machines company, whose technicians are calibrating voting machines to hit three Trumps every-other

5. Hired WikiLeaks and B.A. Baracus to head Opposition Research A-Team

"I pity da fool who don't vote for Mr. T"

4. Running political ads on “The Howard Stern Show”

3. The Tea Party, Birthers and Newt Gingrich’s mistress added him to their speed dial

2. Ordered 2 million red, white & blue “Obama, Your Fired!” matching headbands and thong underwear

1. Burned all the skeletons in his closet – insurers issued $12 million check to replace Trump Towers

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Freak Show's Pullin' Me Back In

I tried to swear off politics and political satire forever, but the GOP's Declaration of War on public employees, doves, common decency, the vanishing Middle Class,common sense, attrition, the environment, Democracy, freedom, mobile home owners, education/public schools, immigrants (legal and otherwise), intelligence, the Judicial Branch, gay marriage, the Constitution, and the list goes on has slowly pulled me back into the fray.

And the elected Democrats inability to grow a backbone cannot be overlooked either.You are complicit in Democracy's demise and will be exposed, should you wander underneath the satirist' microscope of absurdity.

I don't think I can bite my tongue any longer without risking permanent damage that I cannot afford with my current health insurance plan.

And with the GOP Presidential Freak Show coming to Iowa's Political Theatre this year, I cannot resist such tasty morsels I'm sure they'll be serving at their $1000 plate galas.

GOP Three-Ring Circus Lands in Iowa: Sarah Palin takes center stage and mounts unsuspecting GOP Elephant in her non-bid for presidency

Stay tuned for more, and in the meantime be sure to follow me on Twitter if you are not doing so already. Or you can catch me every once in awhile on my formerly neglected sister site, "Say Something Funny".