Saturday, December 16, 2006

Immigration Roundup: Rep. Steve King’s Heart “Two Sizes Too Small”

Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Master of Political Horror and vigilant Crusader against illegal immigration, weighed in with his response to the recent raid on the Swift & Co. meatpacking plant in Marshalltown. King’s primary concern, given the thousands of workers at Swift, was the low arrest rate -- hypothesizing that some illegal immigrants “went through the net.” It appears King has been watching too may “Planet of the Apes'” films.

During a raid on Swift & Co. in Marshalltown, actor and NRA activist Charlton Heston, was ensnared by Homeland Security ICE agents. During an interrogation, Heston's documents revealed his illegal alien status, and he was later deported to his homeland, The Planet of the Apes.

King also revealed his true "compassionate conservative" colors, claiming that some of the children, who were left behind, may be American citizens and will be cared for as such while their parents are deported. Further flexing his compassion muscle, King had these words for the children left behind: “If the family wants to be reunited, there is such a thing as a family reunion on the other side of the border.”

Speaking of weighing in, King stepped up on the Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale, and not only did he register a “full-scale” Christian Conservative reading, but his heart measured “two sizes too small”.

X-ray photo of Rep. Steve King's heart (actual size)

Apparently King wasn’t completely satisfied with sending more troops over to Iraq (and recommending even more), leaving behind thousands of children without their parents for Christmas. But now that ICE has stormed Swiftville and stole more parents from their children, King’s sadistic smile and the glint in his beady eyes should safely return soon.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. King

You’re a mean one, Mr King.
You really are a political tool.
You’re as cuddly as barbed wire,
You’re as simple as the obligatory fool,
Mr. King.

You’re a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You’re a monster, Mr. King.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You’ve got garlic in your soul,
Mr. King.

I wouldn’t touch you with a
Thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!...

Friday, December 15, 2006

It Can’t Happen Here

I just started reading Sinclair Lewis’s 1935 novel, It Can't Happen Here (Signet Classics):

“A cautionary tale about the fragility of Democracy. It is an alarming, eerily timeless look at how fascism could take hold in America. Written during the Great Depression, when the country was largely oblivious to Hitler’s aggression, it juxtaposes sharp political satire with the realistic rise of a president who becomes a dictator to save the nation from welfare cheats, rampant promiscuity, crime, and a liberal press.” (Book Jacket)

Sound familiar?

That was Then...

“Cure the evils of Democracy by the evils of Fascism! Funny therapeutics. I’ve heard of their curing syphilis by giving the patient malaria, but I’ve never heard of their curing malaria by giving the patient syphilis!” (Doremus Jessep, editor and proprietor of the Daily Informer, the Bible of the conservative Vermont farmers up and down the Beulah Valley.)

And this is Now (61 years later)…

We’re curing the flaws of Democracy by attempting to outsource our ideology into other countries, injecting them with a Democratic Serum* guaranteed to help spread Democracy.

*Warning: The Democratic Serum has yet to be approved by the U.N. and possible side-effects include an outbreak of Civil War, a crippling economy, hair loss, incompetence, infertility, impotence, splintered nations, global hostility and/or increased anti-Americanism, rash behavior, a spike in political blogs, sectarian violence, increased terrorism and spread of terrorist cells, and death.
But remember, “It Can’t Happen Here”…

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Waiting for Hillary (Act I, scene i)

Waiting for Hillary: “A play in which nothing happens…”

World premier performed at Political Fallout’s Theatre of the Politically Absurd


Estragon: former Al Gore Campaigner
Vladimir: former John Kerry Campaigner
Lucky: Jackass
Pozzo: Lucky’s Handler

ACT I, scene 1

Setting: Iowa. A country road. A tree. Evening. Estragon, sitting on a pile of hanging chad ballots, trying to piece detached chads together. He gives up, frustrated and exhausted, rests, and tries again. As before, enters Vladimir.

Estragon: (giving up again): Nothing to be done.

Vladimir: (enters and sits on mound of chad ballots) I’m beginning to come 'round to that opinion. So there you are again, plugging away at those hanging chads.

Estragon: Am I?

Vladimir: I’m glad to see you back, I thought you were gone forever.

Estragon: Me, too.

Vladimir: Where was your Highness last night.

Estragon: Watching An Inconvenient Truth through the window of a video store.

Vladimir: With no sound?

Estragon: The images spoke for themselves.

Vladimir: It’s too much for one man. Bah, what did the images say?

Estragon: I’m melting…I’m melting…

Vladimir: Did you ever read The Bible?

Estragon: The Bible… (He reflects). I’ve read the interesting parts.

Vladimir: Meaning the Gospels?

Estragon: If those be the interesting parts, then yes, the Gospels. I remember the maps of the Holy Land. Colored they were. Very pretty. The Dead Sea was pale blue. Now it’s (reflects) black with chocolate swirls.

Vladimir: Now I’m craving ice cream.

Estragon: Me too. Let’s go.

Vladimir: But we can’t go.

Estragon: Why not?

Vladimir: We’re waiting for Hillary.

Estragon: (despairingly) Ah! (pause) You sure it was here? In Iowa?
Vladimir: Yes. She said to wait here, by the tree. Look, here comes her page now. (Page enters.)

Page: Ms. Clinton told me to tell you she won’t come this evening.

Vladimir: Is that all?

Page: No, Sir. Ms. Clinton said she will come tomorrow.

Vladimir: All right, you may go.

Page: What am I to tell Ms. Clinton, Sir?

Vladimir: Tell her…(he hesitates) you saw us. You saw us sitting here, waiting. You did see us waititng, didn’t you?

Page: Yes, sir. (Steps back, hesitates, turns and exits running.)

Estragon: Should we go then?

Vladimir: The page said Ms. Clinton was sure to come tomorrow. (pause) What do you say to that?

Estragon: Then all we have to do is wait here.

Vladimir: We can still part if you think it would be better.

Estragon: It’s not worthwhile now. (silence)

Vladimir: No, it’s not worth while now. (silence)

Estragon: Well, shall we go?

Vladimir: Yes, let’s go.

(They do not move. Curtain.)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Kucinich Takes Time Off from Santa’s Workshop to Announce Candidacy

Fueled by his growing frustration with his fellow elves’ apathetic effort towards fulfilling their constituents’ requests, Dennis Kucinich announced he was throwing his elfin hat into the Presidential Ring of Fire. “Every day, thousands of letters come pouring into the Workshop’s mailroom from kids in America, asking for one thing and one thing only: their moms and dads,” said Kucinich. “They could care less about iPods, Barbie Dolls, or Tickle-Me-Elmo; they want Santa to bring their parents home from Iraq.”

Monday, December 11, 2006

Feeding the Satiric Muse: Now Serving My Presidential “Hot List”

With all of the ’08 Presidential Hopeful Hot Lists already flooding the blogsphere (Common Iowan, John Deeth, Political Madman, Drew Miller, Political Forecast), I thought I would help contribute to the deluge (adding yet another layer to the ozone, eh Gore?) by focusing on the candidates’ potential for feeding the satiric muse.

Chez Political Fallout Presidential Menu: ’08 Selections

Democratic Fixins

Lil’ Nibblers: A little something for political satirists and to nibble on until the Republicans start showing up to the dinner table and opening their mouths.

Wes Clark
Bill Richarsdson
Chris Dodd
Joe Biden


Al Gore Burning-Bush Tossed Salad: Smothered in Red-Sea Vinaigrette, this organic salad is deeply rooted in the Appalachians -- where Al took solace after the 2000 election, conversed with God and returned to impart Inconvenient Truths. (Due to the exponential rise in allergic reactions to the Truth, you may request to have the Truth either mixed in or served on the side.)

Main Courses: The D.L.C. Meat and Potatoes

Hillary Clinton Fillet Mignon (16 oz.): Marinated in a vat of corporate money, this seasoned meat will appeal to all centrist pallets and is bound to catch the ire of satirists on both sides of the fence. The dish comes served with a choice of side, either Tom Vilsack or Evan Bayh.

Just Desserts

John Edwards’ Son of a Mill Worker Apple Pie: Nothing spells populism better than a slice of homemade apple pie. Ummmmmm…don’t let the smell of the American Dream wafting through the window blow by you this time.

The Barak Obama Sacred Cow: The hottest item on the menu at Chez Fallout, guaranteed to singe the pallets of the most discriminatory taste buds. Most political satirists aren’t willing to touch this item -- not even with a 34-and-a-half foot pole.

Doggy Bag

John Kerry*
Dennis Kucinich

*Due to an E. coli breakout, this item has been temporarily removed from the menu until the epidemic can be successfully quarantined. Any signs or sightings of John Kerry in the state of Iowa should be immediately reported to Chez Political Fallout and/or The Center for Political Disease Control.

-Thanks, Management.

Republican All-You-Can-Eat Moveable Feast

All items on this menu are served as part of the All-You-Can-Eat Moveable Feast served 24 hours/day and 7/days a week.

Sam Brownback*
Newt Gingrich
Rudy Giuliani
Chuck Hagel
Mike Huckabee
John McCain

*"God’s Senator" is destined to rise above the fray and provide enough satiric material to merit his own web site.

In case you missed the subtext, here’s Political Fallout’s predictions if the Iowa Caucuses were held today:

Democrats: Obama, followed by Edwards, Hillary, and Vilsack

Republicans: Who cares? (Other than Republicans and political satirists, whose job security depends on these folks.)

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Invading My Space: The “War on Toms” (Update 1)

Tom Vilsack: 588 (376 on 11/25/06)

In an attempt to close the “Friend Gap” on My Space, I declared war on the Two Toms: Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom. Unfortunately the gap has only widened since Vilsack hit the campaign trial, making new friends in New Hampshire, Las Vegas, South Carolina, and other pit stops on the front end of the Presidential Caucus Trail of Tears.

My Space Tom: 137,796,640 (133,070,457 on 11/25/06)

Meanwhile My Space Tom keeps making new friends exponentially (nearly 4.5 million in 3 weeks), stockpiling friends for the post-War-on-Toms’ Era, when the cyber wall comes crumbling down.

T.M. Lindsey: 10 (1 on 11/25/06)

Although I just recently cracked the double-digit barrier on My Space, I plan on remaining optimistic, plugging away at the war effort. My friend count has risen 1000%, whereas Vilsack’s friend count has gone up only 36%, while My Space Tom has seen a mere 4.5% growth since the “War on Toms” began.

That said, please help me close the “Friend Gap” by becoming my dear friend and join the war effort: