The “War on Toms” Was About Friends and Only Friends

A week has passed since Tom Vilsack dropped his presidential bid. This coupled with an ice storm and subsequent loss of power has helped me come to realize that I needed to end the My Space “War on Toms.”

Since I declared war on Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom, the “friend gap” has only widened at a disproportionate rate. At last count Vilsack had reigned in 1330 friends, while I had yet to reach triple digits. Had I taken a traditional political campaign route and was more willing to prostitute myself for votes, I could have broken the 100 Friend Threshold by approving four “adult entertainers” who requested to be my friend. Fearing the possible repercussions of joining these inner-networking circles (e.g. a STVD, or Sexually Transmitted Virtual Disease – not to be confused with OCBD, or Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder), I opted to disapprove their requests.

And then Obama and Hillary invaded My Space, stepping up their war efforts, and the ’08 My Space Race has never been the same since. I could no longer compete with these virtual rock stars. Everything on My Space has changed, and unfortunately the My Space Race has become to a great extent all about friends, a lot of friends. It is clear to me that I would not be able to continue making new friends in the amounts necessary to sustain a viable Friend War. So making friends and only making new friends is the reason I’m ending the “War on Toms.”

God Joins the “War on Toms”

Good news on the “War on Toms” warfront: God has joined forces with “Political Fallout” to help close the “Friend Gap.” Despite the rumor that the “My” in My Space indicates the possessive of My Space Tom, ‘Fallout sources confirm that God’s realm does indeed extend to all nooks and crannies of cyberspace. Sorry, My Space Tom. You may have nearly 150 million friends, but when God wasn’t busy helping Al Gore create the Internet, She helped create your friends.

As history has taught us, with God on our side, we cannot lose, right? I feel blessed God could take time out of Her busy schedule to help our cause. I can only imagine that spreading Democracy to formerly despotic lands must not only be physically exhausting but mentally taxing as well. Not to mention, with the new members of the 110th Congress swearing in today, I imagine God will be ready for a Spring Break vacation in South Padre come March.

Join God today and help us close the “Friend Gap”:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

“War on Toms” Update: Study Group Recommendations

Despite the limited “War on Toms” effort on my end, it appears the “Friend Gap” has dramatically widened over the past three weeks. I’ve only managed to befriend 21 people altogether, adding 11 friends in the past three weeks whereas Tom Vilsack has filled his war chest with 849 friends. Granted, I have landed some “friends in high places” which include Ed Fallon, RFK Jr., and just to spite Vilsack, I’ve befriended John and Elizabeth Edwards.


Meanwhile, My Space Tom’s numbers have grown exponentially, outgrowing the number of recorded births on our planet each day. If My Space Tom can maintain this pace, he will have befriended the entire earth’s population by the year 2025. Quite conceivably, any child born thereafter will already be My Space Tom’s friend before they’ve left the womb. Now that’s impressive!

If I want to win the “War on Toms,” it’s clear I can no longer depend on my adoptive “stay-the-course” strategy. My “War on Toms” policy must change, otherwise I risk losing my self esteem and the faith of those Friends who have already committed themselves to the “War on Toms.”

To help combat Tom Vilsack’s recent surge in “Friends,” I’ve formed a non-partisan “study-group” to look into the My Space quagmire and draft a report which offers suggestions on how I can close the ‘Friend Gap.” The group has finished conducting their studies and has made the following suggestions:

The My Space “War on Toms” Report* (excerpt):

Bring the Friends Home: This policy would call for friends to stop making friends on My Space, shifting the focus on making friends in person in lieu of acquiring virtual friends. Critics of this policy contend that too much has already been invested in the “War on Toms” and we cannot leave My Space until the mission is accomplished. According to My Space Tom’s Secretary of Defense, “A withdrawl of friends indicates a sign of weakness, sending the message to our enemies that we can live without virtual friends. Besides, an immediate withdrawl will certainly guarantee an outbreak of civil war between My Space and Facebook.”

Increase Friend Recruitment: The “War on Toms” has taken a serious toll on Friends by stretching friendships too thin, so it’s imperative to replenish and rebuild the active Friends foundation. One way to increase the potential recruitment base is to loosen up the My Space Friend requirement such as accepting convicted felons and illegal immigrants, and by lowering the I.Q. cut off for potential Friend applicants. Another tactic to consider is using My Space Tom’s “Window Dressing” ploy, which carefully screens Friends' comments and only posts comments from young, eye-alluring Friends – who are either scantily clad or looked as if they just walked off the set of “The O.C.”

Please help by joining the war effort at:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

A Surge in Friends: This policy, albeit the least popular, would call for a surge in more Friends and deploying them to My Space hot spots (i.e. The Two Toms’ My Spaces). Critics fear this will only escalate the “War on Toms,” thus widening the gap.

*The full report is awaiting publication at Barnes and Noble Publications and will hopefully be released in the not-so-distant future.

Invading My Space: The “War on Toms” (Update 1)

Tom Vilsack: 588 (376 on 11/25/06)

In an attempt to close the “Friend Gap” on My Space, I declared war on the Two Toms: Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom. Unfortunately the gap has only widened since Vilsack hit the campaign trial, making new friends in New Hampshire, Las Vegas, South Carolina, and other pit stops on the front end of the Presidential Caucus Trail of Tears.

My Space Tom: 137,796,640 (133,070,457 on 11/25/06)

Meanwhile My Space Tom keeps making new friends exponentially (nearly 4.5 million in 3 weeks), stockpiling friends for the post-War-on-Toms’ Era, when the cyber wall comes crumbling down.



T.M. Lindsey: 10 (1 on 11/25/06)

Although I just recently cracked the double-digit barrier on My Space, I plan on remaining optimistic, plugging away at the war effort. My friend count has risen 1000%, whereas Vilsack’s friend count has gone up only 36%, while My Space Tom has seen a mere 4.5% growth since the “War on Toms” began.

That said, please help me close the “Friend Gap” by becoming my dear friend and join the war effort:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

Invading Tom Vilsack’s MySpace

What could somebody like Tom Vilsack, Iowa Governor and presidential hopeful, have in common with somebody like me, a mere political satirist?

The answer: a 30-year old guy named Tom from Santa Monica, California -- who, by the way, could be the most popular man in the world, weighing in with a mere 133,070,457 friends on My Space. It helps that Tom is employed by My Space, but if the other Tom, the Vilsack Tom can tap into My Space Tom’s network of friends, befriend these folks and get them to vote for him in the ’08 election, President Vilsacks’s “Friend Space” will mushroom exponentially, possibly helping him surpass My Space Tom’s popularity. Fortunately for Vilsack, Santa Monica Tom won’t be old enough to run for president in ’08, otherwise Vilsack would have to reassess his friendship with Tom.

As a political satirist, it pays to get close to my subjects and see what makes them tick, or not tick as is the case with a number of elected politicians, so I joined My Space with the intent of infiltrating Vilsack’s Friend Space. I’ve taken the initial step by inviting myself to join Tom Vilsack’s network, but I have yet to be officially invited. I’m hoping it’s just the holidays. I’m sure, like most red-blooded American’s, Tom’s still recovering from a turkey binge.

Nonetheless, I’ve found all of the new attention on My Space quite flattering. I’m already hooked, and I need to score some more friends. Fast. I got a taste of one Tom, looking to suffice my addiction with a fix from another Tom, and who knows where my addiction will lead, possibly a job at My Space or in the Oval Office

But first, I must declare a “War on Toms” and close the “Friend Gap” on the Two Toms, starting with Vilsack Tom who has already logged 376 friends. Once I close this gap, I’ll set my sights on the My Space Superpower, Santa Clara Tom, who has already stockpiled enough friends to populate an island in Europe and take over the European Union.

I only have one friend, so I’m counting on you, dear reader and potential friend, to help me win this war. Go to My Space and join my Friend Network before it’s too late:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

Your Friend,
T.M. Lindsey