Sunday, December 31, 2006

“War on Toms” Update: Study Group Recommendations

Despite the limited “War on Toms” effort on my end, it appears the “Friend Gap” has dramatically widened over the past three weeks. I’ve only managed to befriend 21 people altogether, adding 11 friends in the past three weeks whereas Tom Vilsack has filled his war chest with 849 friends. Granted, I have landed some “friends in high places” which include Ed Fallon, RFK Jr., and just to spite Vilsack, I’ve befriended John and Elizabeth Edwards.

Meanwhile, My Space Tom’s numbers have grown exponentially, outgrowing the number of recorded births on our planet each day. If My Space Tom can maintain this pace, he will have befriended the entire earth’s population by the year 2025. Quite conceivably, any child born thereafter will already be My Space Tom’s friend before they’ve left the womb. Now that’s impressive!

If I want to win the “War on Toms,” it’s clear I can no longer depend on my adoptive “stay-the-course” strategy. My “War on Toms” policy must change, otherwise I risk losing my self esteem and the faith of those Friends who have already committed themselves to the “War on Toms.”

To help combat Tom Vilsack’s recent surge in “Friends,” I’ve formed a non-partisan “study-group” to look into the My Space quagmire and draft a report which offers suggestions on how I can close the ‘Friend Gap.” The group has finished conducting their studies and has made the following suggestions:

The My Space “War on Toms” Report* (excerpt):

Bring the Friends Home: This policy would call for friends to stop making friends on My Space, shifting the focus on making friends in person in lieu of acquiring virtual friends. Critics of this policy contend that too much has already been invested in the “War on Toms” and we cannot leave My Space until the mission is accomplished. According to My Space Tom’s Secretary of Defense, “A withdrawl of friends indicates a sign of weakness, sending the message to our enemies that we can live without virtual friends. Besides, an immediate withdrawl will certainly guarantee an outbreak of civil war between My Space and Facebook.”

Increase Friend Recruitment: The “War on Toms” has taken a serious toll on Friends by stretching friendships too thin, so it’s imperative to replenish and rebuild the active Friends foundation. One way to increase the potential recruitment base is to loosen up the My Space Friend requirement such as accepting convicted felons and illegal immigrants, and by lowering the I.Q. cut off for potential Friend applicants. Another tactic to consider is using My Space Tom’s “Window Dressing” ploy, which carefully screens Friends' comments and only posts comments from young, eye-alluring Friends – who are either scantily clad or looked as if they just walked off the set of “The O.C.”

Please help by joining the war effort at:

A Surge in Friends: This policy, albeit the least popular, would call for a surge in more Friends and deploying them to My Space hot spots (i.e. The Two Toms’ My Spaces). Critics fear this will only escalate the “War on Toms,” thus widening the gap.

*The full report is awaiting publication at Barnes and Noble Publications and will hopefully be released in the not-so-distant future.


Anonymous said...

The Decider will decide on the new way forward in the "War on Toms," but you will have to wait until he gets done running around his Texas ranch house and jerking his necktie above his head.