Friday, December 1, 2006

Draft King’s Sons by Instituting Undeclared Draft

Upon his return from a backstage visits to the “Theaters of Global War on Terror,” Iowa’s very own Master of Horror, Rep. Steve King, suggested we supply the theaters with an additional 100,000 – 150,000 troops. Invariably, whenever talk of donating, sacrificing, or the spilling of “precious bodily fluids” is bantered about by the Masters of War, you can guarantee talk of reinstaeting the draft will rear its head, just long enough to be picked off by some political hawk who’s trying to protect his own “precious bodily fluids”.

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) has proposed that we reinstate the draft, and King characterized his proposal as a political move (Aren’t all politicians’ moves political?) King contends we need to focus on more aggressive recruitment efforts.

I agree with both of them. We need to arm military recruiters with more weapons by instituting an Undeclared Draft, or what I would like to call, “The Undeclared Draft Act.”

In his book The Things They Carried, author and Vietnam Veteran Tim O’Brien writes: “There should be a law, I thought. If you support a war, if you think it’s worth the price, that’s fine, but you have to put your own precious fluids on the line. You have to head for the front and hook up with an infantry unit and help spill the blood. And you have to bring along your wife, or your kids, or your lover. A law, I thought.”

Since neither the “War on Terror,” nor the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have yet to be officially declared by Congress, it’s only fitting that Congress pass legislation that institutes an Undeclared Draft, possibly adding it to the 22nd amendment. Here’s a working draft of the bill, although I’ll leave the revision process up to our congressmen and women, who should be perfectly capable of obfuscating the following language:

Congress, during times of Undeclared War, shall have the right to institute or reinstitute an Undeclared Draft. Using a lottery system, persons eligible for the Undeclared Draft will be randomly selected from a pool comprised of anyone over the age of 18 who supports any military actions ordered during a time of Undeclared War. The pool will also be extended to include anyone whose mother or father is an elected official and supports, whether it be directly or indirectly, said military actions.

This said, I’ve drafted a petition that calls for the instatement of the Undeclared Draft which will be sent to all of Iowa’s Congressmen Elect, including Rep. Steve King, whose three sons will be the first priority in helping win the “War On Terror”. Please sign the petition (right column) and forward link to everyone you know.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Rep. Steve King Wants to Protect “Precious Bodily Fluids”

Renown General Jack D. Ripper (left) once said: “…Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

In order to protect his own precious bodily fluids -- as well as the bodily fluids of his wife, three sons, wealthy campaign contributors, Christian Right Hawks, and anybody else who thinks we should keep sending more troops to Iraq but is unwilling to donate their own precious fluids to the global war effort – Rep. Steve King thinks the U.S. military should be expanded by 100,000 to 150,000 troops to help relieve the long-term burden on those already sacrificing their precious bodily fluids in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Rejecting Rep. Charles Rangle’s (D-NY) calling for a reinstatement of the draft, King contends we need to step up military recruitment efforts, suggesting there could be “adjustments” to incentives and wages to attract more precious bodily fluids to the military.
“Perhaps we could get some recruiters on some of those campuses like maybeHarvard University, where outside the gates George Washington received hiscommission to command the Continental Army,” said King.

Perhaps, we could get some recruiters to focus their sights on:

The steps of Capitol Hill, where our forefather provided Congress with the power to declare war, although this power, like the truth, has become obsolete.

The U.S./Mexican border, where thousands of Minutemen are gathered (and already armed) to protect us from illegal immigrants who want to steal our jobs, not our precious bodily fluids. Using the Minuteman’s own slogan, “Americans doing the jobs Congress won’t do,” military recruiters will not only already share common ground with these passionate vigilantes, but they’ll also save money on marketing expenses.

Christian Mega-Churches, where masses of people gather to worship in God’s arena and cheer on their righteous brethren as they dominate and destroy their enemies.

Republican Think Tanks, or what our Commander in Chief calls “Thought Boxes,” where people get paid lots of money to think inside the box in lieu of fighting in Iraq.

College and NFL football stadiums: see Christian Mega-Churches.

Rep. Steve King’s house in Kiron, Iowa, where King fathered 3 sons, all of which are perfectly capable of donating their own precious bodily fluids to the global War on Terror.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Black Friday: Only 710 Shopping Days Until ’08 Election

The Christmas retail blitzkrieg began hitting the shelves days before Halloween hit full fruition, not even giving one of America’s favorite pagan holidays a chance to fully bask in its heathen glory. The same can be said about the midterm elections. The election victors had little time to celebrate before presidential hopefuls began stealing their thunder by throwing (or contemplating throwing) their names into the ’08 political cauldron.

And with only 710 day remaining before the presidential election, what better way to remind us of the election’s urgency than “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving when “common sense” becomes an oxymoron. On this day, people subject themselves to a ritual that animals, had they been blessed with rationale thought, would have sacrificed for another helping of leftover tofurkey.

As political junkies wait outside of Politicians ‘R Us SuperStore, the big question remains: What will be this election cycle’s hot new items? Here’s a preview of some products shoppers will have to look forward to when the revolving doors start spinning and voters make the mad scramble towards the “Presidential Hopeful Section”:

Aisle 1 – New Democrats’ “Vital Center”: The DLC, or Democratic Leadership Corporation, will unveil its line of products, not taking any chances this cycle, but rather, relying on name recognition and corporate sponsors to help market their products.

Hillary Clinton Bratz Doll: The newest Bratz doll is sure to stir up bitter feelings among her “Bratzpack” members as she attempts to shirk her Diva attitude and "fashionista" outfits for stodgy conservative attire and a brazen life on the presidential campaign trail. The DLC is willing to throw in its current chairman, Tom Vilsack, as an added bonus -- and hopefully, come caucus time, some Iowa delegates for loyal party shoppers.

John Edwards Two-America’s Demolition Kit & One-America Erector Set: This item is expected to be a top seller among children whose parents reside on the bottom 99% of the economic ladder. Children will have loads of fun demolishing the only Two Americas they know and then rebuilding One-America -- in which the class lines are blurred. The one drawback to this item is the concern that once the children completely destroy the Two Americas, they’ll get bored and abandon their One-America Erector Sets.

Aisle 2 – Democrats’ Hot New Deal:

Barak Obama Audacity of Hope Action Figure: Guaranteed to be the hottest item on the shelves and should give the DLC product line a run for its corporate money. Using test-marketed results from the midterm elections, early prognosticators have indicated the Obama Audacity of Hope Action figure is destined to be bigger than the Jesus Action Figure.

Aisle 3 – Republicans’ Red Tag Specials:

G.I. John McCain with Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip: Manufacturers have finally updated the G.I. John Doll after sales plummeted in 2000 when the Christian Right helped finance a smear campaign to help push their own George W. Bush Bobble Doll over the top. Adding a Kung-Fu Christian Right Grip, G.I. John’s take-no-prisoners attitude is guaranteed to bloody the campaign trail.

Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani Tickle-Me-Mistress Dolls (Mistress Not Included): Nothing sells better than controversy, especially when sex scandals are involved, so these two adulterer dolls should fly off the shelves come election time. (Note: These items are sold separately and, like an abortion is some states, require parental notification upon purchase.)

Mitt Romney’s Temple Garments (underwear) – Traditionally used by members of the Latter Day Saints to shield and protect them against the powers of evil, Mitt’s line of Temple Garments will not only provide him with an extra layer of warmth while campaigning in Iowa during the winter months, but the garments will also protect him from his fellow running mates and their sins. (see above)

The Aisle of Misfit Politicians (a.k.a. Damaged Goods Bin):

Jester John Kerry-in-a-Box: A popular item back in the Anybody-but-Bush days, but thanks to the 22nd amendment, those days are over and this product has been discontinued. Although it possesses a faulty spring loader, don’t be surprised if the Jester John Kerry pops up along the campaign trail. (Buyers’ Beware: DLC manufacturers have put a recall on this item because of the faulty spring loader and computerized voice box which veers from the script, botches jokes, and causes liberal bashers to break out into hives.)

The Biodegradable Al Gore Doll: Despite the mass-marketing campaign though the film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” a recent Consumers’ Political Consumer report has found that the doll isn’t completely biodegradable, for the smell of losing to Bush in 2000 never completely fades away.