Saturday, January 20, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
I defy you, Grassley! Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and rainforests you’re used to…
For some time, I’ve had my eye on one of the low-brow suites which rent at $55,000 a year (includes all of the amenities). Although with a $8,640 tax break, I’d only be looking at $46,360. Imagine all the beer I could buy with the extra savings, keeping my suite refrigerator adequately stocked for game days and other special occasions throughout the year:
Kinnick Stadium Suite Fight Song
In Kinnick there is no beer,
Unless you dink it in stadium suites.
And when it’s gone from here,
We’ll pillage Two Star’s confiscated treats.
I have not taken my dream of living in a Kinnick Suite lightly, and I’ve carefully considered a number of options:
1. Since there’s still an opening for the University of Iowa President position, I plan on throwing my name in to the hat, since one of the perks of becoming the University’s President is the coveted Presidential Suite which seats 71. Although, given the current presidential search quagmire and its "stay the course" mentality, it may take years before the next President is hired.
2. Using an urban-renewal grant, gentrify the student section with the intent of luring fans away form their luxury suites, thus creating a“buyers’ market”.
3. Lean on some of the low-end renters, sending in some perpetual tail-gaiters, armed with loaded cases of Bud Lite and monosyllabic, four-letter threats. This should get the message across that I mean business.
4. Run the following ad in Iowa newspapers' “Skybox Wanted” section:
Will work for Tax-Deductible Stadium Suite! Unemployed blogger seeks gainful employment in exchange for year-round habitation in Kinnick Suite. Willing to work seven days a year, cleaning up after game-day festivities.
Clearly, time is of the essence, so it’s imperative you contact Senator Grassley and discourage him from further probing the tax code.
Future home of T.M. Lindsey, "Where dreams may come..."
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I know, I know, dear readers. You’re asking: “Don’t you mean David Yepsen?”
No. David Yepsen is showing signs of maintaining his status as the Resister’s Terry Branstad (nicknamed Governor Braindead by many Iowans), Iowa’s former governor who, during the latter two terms of his four-term stint, actually got paid while governing in a catatonic state. Sound familiar, David? Although Branstad was at the top of a list awaiting a personality donor, the P.D.A. (Personality Donor Association) could not find a suitable match during his reign as Governor. (Note: Yepsen is also on Iowa’s P.D.A. list, two spots behind Senator Grassley.)
In 1999, former Iowa Governor Terry Branstad is captured in a catatonic state at a P.D.A. endorsement event for Lamar Alexander.
Using one of Yepsen’s recent columns, “Early signs of Democrats’ Terry Branstad,” let’s highlight some areas that indicate he’s aspiring to Terry Branstad status:
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Guess who’s coming to dinner? Newt Gingrich? Nope, but close. Think adultery. You guessed it: Rudy Giuliani. (pause to let shock settle in) I thought Jimbo was going to hold out for the Newtster, but in Jimbo’s new enterprise, Navigating Strategies, the moral compass always points to $. By the way, the compass logo was my idea. If anybody needs help finding himself, it’s Jimbo. And when he starts looking inward, maybe some day he’ll find yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. Pretty clever, eh?
I hope your new blog, “Political Fallout,” is going well. I miss the “Nussle and Flow” days. Speaking of which, I wrote a quick lullaby parody. Any chance you could post it on your blog?
Nussle and Rudy, sittin’ in an adult tree:
First comes money, then comes marriage,
Then comes Hypocrisy in a baby carriage.
Take care, T.M., and be sure to stay in touch. Now that the hustle's back on, I imagine we’ll be crossing paths more often.
Jimmy the Hustler
We all know that Jim has problems with fuzzy math, and when he uses these numbers to predict the future, his fuzzy math is merely exacerbated. The day before the election, Nussle appeared on the FOX News show, “Hannity and Colmes,” with fellow Republican Adulterer, Rudolph Giuliani (I mean c’mon folks, anybody named after Rudolph Valentino, “The Great Latin Lover,” is predestined to be a major player. Watch and see as he brings his A-game hustle to Iowa when he makes a run for the next president).
During the interview, Colmes confronted Nussle with the poll numbers from "The Des Moines Register," which indicated he trailed Culver by nine percentage points. Nussle shot back, “Don’t bet on the polls, Alan. Be careful…The Democrats bet on the polls last time, and they lost the election nationally….”
Unlike Colmes, who responded he doesn’t bet on polls and he’s not a betting man, I am a betting man. Any hustler who is in touch with his inner-pimp is a betting man. That’s the only way to keep the hustle alive, breathing steadily, until your next mark shows up and the hustle swings into rhetorical action.
The moment I heard Jim say this on FOX News, I contacted my bookie and bet the spread. I bet everything, and what do you know, “The Des Moines Register” was spot on. Thanks to Jimbo, I have a golden parachute to land with in January when Jim abandons me for the lobbying world -- which remind me of another lesson I learned in the world of hustling: Always have a “Plan B”tucked under your sleeve, because it’s hard out there for a pimp, eh Rudy?
(Be very careful ladies, one of these "Great Lovers" is coming to Iowa in an attempt to woo you and your vote. Keep your doors locked and don't answer any unauthorized numbers, for both men are said to be armed with an indefensible sex appeal and are to be considered dangerous.)
Update: Guess what, Ladies? They're Heeeere...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Frequently Asked Questions:
Who’s David Yepsen?
If you’re asking this question, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. David Yepsen is listed as a columnist for Iowa’s largest newspaper, “The Des Moines Register,” and writes about state and national politics. How he got his job at the Register remains a mystery, although a popular rumor claims that Yepsen was willed to Gannett in 1985, when the corporate media mogul usurped the paper form the Cowles family. Legend has it that the Cowles family wanted to put a curse on Gannett, so they planted their own voodoo doll, and Yepsen was the perfect sacrifice.
What’s a “Yepsen Survivor”?
This includes anyone who has read one of Yepsen’s columns and lived to tell about it. (Note: There have been no documented cases linking a person’s cause of death to reading Yepsen, although Yepsen has registered on the forensic radar.)
How do I know if I’m suffering from symptoms related to “Surviving Yepsen”?
Upon reading David’s Yepsenities, if you experience any of the following, you should go to “Surviving Yepsen” and share your experience and/or vent as a means of alleviating the symptoms: Do you ask yourself:; “How did this guy get this job?”/“Where’s the support for his assertions?”/“Why so pessimistic?”/“WTF?”
Or do you say to yourself, “I could write better than this?” Or do you feel immediately compelled to write a letter to the editor challenging Yepsen’s assertions?
Other symptoms may include nausea, cold sweats, a new appreciation for FOX news, an onset of Turrets Syndrome, or the desire to repeatedly pound your forehead on the kitchen table and/or computer keys.
Why waste energy on Yepsen?
To help preserve our state's dignity and our first-in-the nation status for holding the Presidential Caucuses, David Yepsen must be held accountable. When the nation’s eyes our on Iowans and the media outside of Iowa turns to Yepsen for political analysis, we should not have to bury our heads in the soil. Not only does Yespen undermine the political credibility of our state, but his slanted fallacies show that Yepsen harbors an inner-hatred for liberal/progressive Democrats, unions (especially teacher unions), optimism, the King’s English, research, bloggers, and anyone who he perceives to be smarter than him.
So I’m a Yespen Survivor, what can I do?
Go to "Surviving Yepsen" and find out how you can share your experiences with fellow Yepsen Survivors and submit your own Yepsen-inspired pieces.