Gay Marriage Hits Iowa, Homophobes Vow Revenge

(Disclaimer: a satiric moratorium has been placed on the front end of this post. Anything that smacks of satire is intended to be non-hyperbolic truth and should be read as such.)

In a long overdue historic move, the Iowa Supreme Court issued a unanimous ruling that overturned a 10-year-old ban on same-sex marriage, noting the latter violated the Constitution’s basic fairness and equal protection clause.

Finally, gay couples and all Iowans (not including the homophobes whose marriages are already teetering on disaster and cannot handle any threats, perceived or otherwise, to their personal commitment) have reason to rejoice.

Gay marriage supporters gather at University of Iowa Pentacrest for rally celebrating Iowa Supreme Court ruling

Personally, I have always had a beef with the unconstitutionality of marriage laws. I’m a purist when it comes to the separation between “church and state” and state-sanctioned marriages endorsed by the church through its archaic biblical definitions (translations) smell like rotten meat.

On one level, gay people are required to pay taxes (with, by the way, unconstitutional money propagandizing religion: “In God We Trust”) but, unlike traditionally married couples, do not receive the same financial returns on their investment in the State. The Iowa Supreme Court, armed with logic, recognized that denying gay people the right to have their relationship endorsed by the state is unfair and unequal.

On another level, the landmark ruling plants a positive rainbow flag into the soul of humanity, reminding folks that it’s not a gay issue, rather a human issue. Like it or not, we are all born into the human experiment together, so it’s time for homophobes to drop the phobia and start looking inward to build or resurrect a stronger faith.

Speaking of homophobes, Iowa’s GOP, led by their flag-bearer and third-time gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, is in a bit of a pickle. The only way they can reverse the Iowa Supreme Court’s ruling is through a politically initiated amendment to the Constitution that defines marriage as “between a man and a woman,” which needs to pass through the Iowa Assembly two consecutive sessions and be approved by the majority of Iowa voters. So the earliest this can happen is 2012.

I find it interesting that a party so hell-bent about keeping the government out of individuals’ bedrooms is equally hell-bent on letting the government into their churches. While the GOP insists that it is up to the majority of Iowans to decide what is best for everyone when it comes to defining marriage in Iowa, they are forgetting our forefathers' intent when they penned the Constitution, which ensures protections to the minority. This is precisely why they created a system of checks and balances.

But the GOP doesn’t like this notion when the balance is not in their favor, inspiring them to pull out their rhetorical crutches: “If those damn liberal judges would stop legislating from the bench…”

My retort to this is “Well, if those damn conservative lawmakers would stop enacting legislation that is unconstitutional…”

If the GOP wants to keep running to the right in Iowa and make gay marriage the cornerstone of their platform during the 2010 election, I’ll offer my services now to help write their concession speeches. In case they didn’t get the memo: Theocracy is dead in Iowa.

And before I unleash the snark, I just want to say how proud I was to be an Iowan yesterday. Once again, the nation was watching and we did not disappoint.

Revenge of the Homophobes: Send in the Clowns…

(Disclaimer II: the moratorium on snark and satire has been lifted from this point onward…)

During gathering at Iowa Supreme Court House, an unidentified Single Canadian Black Bear was spotted patroling the perimeter in search of mate -- a Single Black Bear who seeks same

Speaking of Clowns…errr homophobes, three-timin’ gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats sent out an e-mail response to yesterday’s ruling:

Dear (Homophobic) Friends,

A societal earthquake hit Iowa today, shaking our cultural and moral landscape to the core…

The National Weather Service reported no such thing rocking our societal foundation yesterday. Although they did report some seismic readings and sporadic tremors across the state, which were attributed to social-conservatives collectively throwing temper tantrums on the ground, screaming and pounding earth’s shell as their marriages crumbled around them.

…Unfortunately, the will of the people is being thwarted by Democrats who control the state legislature thanks in large part to huge contributions from the homosexual rights lobby…

I knew it was the gay lobby. When everybody else was blaming the unions and the will of the people exercising their will and delivering the GOP a smack-down at the polls in 2006, I knew it was the powerful gay lobby that sent Lt. Gov. wannabe Vander Plaats and his sidekick Jim Nussle packing.

…We can no longer afford to deceive ourselves. Our values are under attack. Iowa isn’t just on the front lines of the cultural war; today it became the epicenter. We need your help TODAY to defeat the homosexual rights lobby and turn back its agenda. We must stop the tyranny of a minority bent on imposing its misguided will on the majority of Iowans and Americans…

No comment. The irony of this statement and campaign solicitation speaks for itself.

Like the Iowa Dems, I’m hoping the GOP does nominate Vander Plaats next year, which may inspire yet another satiric blog in the tradition of Nussle & Flow.

The argument that gay marriage opponents use that I find most absurd is that gay marriage poses a threat to traditional marriages and the institution of marriage. As if the latter institution didn’t already have other a more daunting threat: divorce.

To help dramatize this absurdity, I wrote a comedy sketch on my sister site Say Something Funny: Six Feet Under (Broadway): ‘Marriage Under Attack (This is Not a Dramatization!)’.

Nussle Officially Takes Financial Helm of Bush’s Sinking Ship

Generally speaking, padding your resume with the title of director of the White House Office of Management and Budget would be considered a vertical move for political climbers. Jumping aboard President Bush’s S.S. Lame Duck, however, may have dire political consequences for former Iowa Rep. Jim Nussle, who was officially sworn in as Bush’s budget chief Monday. While a number of those in Bush’s cabinet have bailed ship, Nussle has agreed to sign on to Bush’s crew.

As his administration attempts to navigate the shark-infested waters of bloodthirsty Democrats before next year’s fiscal budget begins, Bush has chosen to “stay the course” and steer the S.S. Lame Duck, full throttle, toward the iceberg, Iraq. Meanwhile, the Democrat-controlled Senate has approved only one of the 12 House-passed appropriation bills to fund the new fiscal year starting Oct. 1.

President Bush offers to hold Nussle's sports jacket as he prepares to walk obligatory plank on S.S. Lame Duck

Now, armed with the threat of Bush’s newly discovered weapon of choice, VETO, Nussle will have to negotiate the budget with top congressional Democrats. Bush has already threatened to veto some budgetary items bound to plunge his approval ratings even deeper into the abyss of forgotten presidents. Bush’s current approval ratings are hovering around 30 percent, but these should plummet as GOP leaders, one by one, continue abandoning the president, who has chained himself to the budgetary elephant in the room, the war in Iraq.

Using his Office of Management and Budget (OMB) to do his dirty business, Bush has already indirectly threatened to veto a Veterans Affairs funding bill that would give the Department of Veterans Affairs as much as $3.8 billion more than the Bush administration proposed in its budget.

“If Congress increases VA funding above the president’s request and does not offset this increase with spending reductions in other bills, the president will veto any of the other bills that exceed his request until Congress demonstrates a path to reach the president’s top line of $933 billion,” the OMB said in a July statement.

Rep. Chet Edwards, D-Texas, chairman of the House veterans affairs appropriations subcommittee, responded, “This bill is about respect and honors the promises made to our veterans with historic increases in funding to provide them the health care and benefits they earned when they put on our nation’s uniform.”

If shortchanging our veterans isn’t bad enough, Bush has also threatened to veto legislation that would renew the popular State Children’s Health Insurance Program, which provides health coverage to poor children. The Senate has proposed a $35 billion boost over the next five years for the program, but Bush’s budget calls for only $5 billion, contending he doesn’t want to further expand the government’s role in health insurance at the expense of private insurance.

Even Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, who strongly supported Nussle during his confirmation hearings, implored the president to rescind his veto threat in a joint statement with Sen. Orrin G. Hatch, R-Utah, warning the president that the Democrats might seek an expansion of $50 billion or more if there is no compromise.

"Tax legislation to expand health insurance coverage is badly needed, but there's no Democratic support for it in the SCHIP debate," said Grassley, the ranking Republican on the finance panel. "In the meantime, our SCHIP initiative in the Finance Committee takes care of a program that's about to expire in a way that's more responsible than current law and $15 billion less than the budget resolution calls for."

Grassley’s words fell on the president’s deaf ears, while the Ahab-inspired Bush fixates on the ubiquitous “War on Terror,” and his “stay the course” mentality in Iraq. Threatening to underfund wounded veterans and sick children makes one wonder: Who’s next? Senior citizens.

Enter Bush’s new messenger, OMB Director Nussle, whose job is deliver the Bush monetary mantra to Congress. Nussle has the unenviable task of trying to persuade Congress why they should scale back on domestic funding, while simultaneously convincing them why they should fund the money pit in Iraq. As he indicated in his swearing-in ceremony, Nussle has no plans of changing the president’s fiscal course and appears content with playing Bush’s rubber-stamp man.

"I believe government spending should be restrained and it should be transparent so taxpayers can see what results they are getting for their money," Nussle said, adding that he looks forward to advancing Bush's "pro-growth, low-tax policies that have strengthened our economy."

After soundly losing his 2006 gubernatorial bid in Iowa against Democrat rival Chet Culver (52 – 43 percent), Nussle’s political career appeared washed up. Nussle had abandoned his First-District seat in Iowa, which was usurped by Democrat Rep. Bruce Braley. During his political interim, Nussle took refuge as a consultant in Cedar Rapids, where he landed a consultant gig with Giuliani’s Iowa campaign.

Then along came Bush, who’s no stranger to appointing good 'ol boys who have been loyal to him. Not to mention, Bush has a soft spot for appointing those whose political careers have taken a nose dive. Take former Attorney General John Ashcroft, for example, whose career also appeared to be washed up when he lost his 2000 senatorial re-election bid in Missouri to a dead candidate, Mel Carnahan, who died in a tragic plane crash two weeks prior to the election.

And now Bush’s prodigal son, Nussle, has returned to the political nest in D.C. While other Bush appointees are jumping ship, citing a need to spend more time with family, or as was the case with former White House spokesman Tony Snow, to procure a job that makes more money.

Bush and Nussle swap deficit-spending jokes while sharing a limo ride on the tax payers' dime

Unfortunately, as Nussle sets sail with the S.S. Lame Duck, not only does he risk permanently drowning his own political career, but if he helps perpetuate Bush’s current fiscal policies, it’s the American people, who will ultimately suffer the consequences as we continue sinking our tax dollars into the monetary quagmire in Iraq. Although I imagine the Bush crew has mapped out its exit strategy for when the ship goes down, procuring enough life preservers for the wealthy folks on the upper deck, while the rest of us remain trapped in the lower decks as we fight for our lives, only to keep drowning in Bush’s sea of misguided fiscal policies.

Good luck, Mr. Nussle. P.S. Don’t forget to pack your PFD (personal floatation device) when leaving for D.C.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

President Bush Names Prodigal Son, Jim Nussle, White House Budget Director

Jimmy the Hustler is BACK…in D.C.!!!

Bush and Nussle share a dubious laugh about their latest duping of the American people

After padding his resume with a failed Iowa gubernatorial bid and running Rudy Giuliani’s presidential bid into the ground as his top consultant, President Bush’s prodigal son is returning home to his adoptive father.

Throw in Nussle’s failures as House Budget Committee Chair -- while serving underneath his adoptive father’s watchful eye -- into the mix and what do you get?

Answer: A job as the White House Budget Director, that’s what.

Now that’s some serious hustling.

Political Fallout contacted Jimmy the Hustler (“Nussle & Flow”), who released the following statement:

We tried to work our hustle in Iowa, but these folks ain’t buying. Apparently, they weren't too hip about the prospects of my better half driving ‘em into bankruptcy. They’re not buying my boy Rudy’s New York hustle either, so it was only a matter of time before Jimbo was bound to take his A-game back to D.C. If we play our cards right, we have less than two years to help bankrupt the country and return to a Darwinian socio-economic paradigm -- where only the strongest will survive and political pimps, like yours truly, will rule the roost. It ain’t going to be easy to hustle the American people, especially with the Bossman’s approval ratings dipping below sea level, but that’s where I, Jimmy the Hustler, come into play.

Giuliani & Nussle Hustlin’ in a Tree…

It looks likes Jimmy the Hustler’s coming home to roost, pimping his political wares for Rudy Giuliani, who named Nussle as a key supporter and advisor on his exploratory committee. Apparently Giuliani was impressed with Nussle’s failed bid to win Iowa’s governorship when he lost by 100,000 votes to Governor Culver: “Nussle brings valuable skills and a strong political track record in the state where precinct caucuses traditionally launch the presidential nominating season.” Philosophically, these two politicians make unlikely bedfellows, unless of course you throw adultery into the mix; here’s where they both have some common ingredients to help build a viable and meaningful relationship.

Meanwhile, at the Political Fallout Headquarters I received an e-mail from my former collaborator and good friend, Jimmy the Hustler:

Dear T.M.,

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Newt Gingrich? Nope, but close. Think adultery. You guessed it: Rudy Giuliani. (pause to let shock settle in) I thought Jimbo was going to hold out for the Newtster, but in Jimbo’s new enterprise, Navigating Strategies, the moral compass always points to $. By the way, the compass logo was my idea. If anybody needs help finding himself, it’s Jimbo. And when he starts looking inward, maybe some day he’ll find yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. Pretty clever, eh?

I hope your new blog, “Political Fallout,” is going well. I miss the “Nussle and Flow” days. Speaking of which, I wrote a quick lullaby parody. Any chance you could post it on your blog?

Nussle and Rudy, sittin’ in an adult tree:
H-U-S-T-L-I-N-G.
First comes money, then comes marriage,
Then comes Hypocrisy in a baby carriage.

Take care, T.M., and be sure to stay in touch. Now that the hustle's back on, I imagine we’ll be crossing paths more often.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

While reminiscing and surfing Jimmy's old site, I stumbled upon the following post, "Nussle Rules Out Career as Political Prognosticator," appeared on "Nussle and Flow" the Saturday before Nussle's resounding defeat:

In case you are wondering, Jim Nussle is on the left. It appears "H & C" failed to recognize Jim, despite all the bright green Nussle signs in the background.

We all know that Jim has problems with fuzzy math, and when he uses these numbers to predict the future, his fuzzy math is merely exacerbated. The day before the election, Nussle appeared on the FOX News show, “Hannity and Colmes,” with fellow Republican Adulterer, Rudolph Giuliani (I mean c’mon folks, anybody named after Rudolph Valentino, “The Great Latin Lover,” is predestined to be a major player. Watch and see as he brings his A-game hustle to Iowa when he makes a run for the next president).

During the interview, Colmes confronted Nussle with the poll numbers from "The Des Moines Register," which indicated he trailed Culver by nine percentage points. Nussle shot back, “Don’t bet on the polls, Alan. Be careful…The Democrats bet on the polls last time, and they lost the election nationally….”

Unlike Colmes, who responded he doesn’t bet on polls and he’s not a betting man, I am a betting man. Any hustler who is in touch with his inner-pimp is a betting man. That’s the only way to keep the hustle alive, breathing steadily, until your next mark shows up and the hustle swings into rhetorical action.

The moment I heard Jim say this on FOX News, I contacted my bookie and bet the spread. I bet everything, and what do you know, “The Des Moines Register” was spot on. Thanks to Jimbo, I have a golden parachute to land with in January when Jim abandons me for the lobbying world -- which remind me of another lesson I learned in the world of hustling: Always have a “Plan B”tucked under your sleeve, because it’s hard out there for a pimp, eh Rudy?

(Be very careful ladies, one of these "Great Lovers" is coming to Iowa in an attempt to woo you and your vote. Keep your doors locked and don't answer any unauthorized numbers, for both men are said to be armed with an indefensible sex appeal and are to be considered dangerous.)

Update: Guess what, Ladies? They're Heeeere...

McCain to Possess and Exorcise Nussle’s Old Office

U.S. Senator John McCain’s exploratory committee used this Sabbath day to exorcise the demons of Jim Nussle’s former campaign headquarters in Urbandale. Despite the presence of moral and political demons left behind by Nussle during his failed bid for Iowa Governor, McCain plans to take his chances and open his state campaign headquarters on Monday.

On Friday, McCain’s staff received a certified letter from Jimmy the Hustler warning McCain of the potential dangers of taking possession of the office:


Dear Senator McCain,

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christina Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

McCain’s staff immediately dismissed the letter as nonsensical, but McCain woke up Saturday morning singing a different tune. He told staff members that he was visited by three spirits while sleeping: The Ghosts of Adultery Past, Present, and Future. The cadre of spirits cautioned McCain about setting up shop in the demonic abode, showing John three ill-fated glimpses into the political abyss. McCain said he wouldn’t leave anything to chance and purchased a "Do-it-Yourself Exorcism Kit" (see above) and called Jerry Falwell, inviting him to the Urbandale office to perform an exorcism on Sunday.

An ansy Sen. McCain listens to Jerry Falwell lecture him about the dangers of political demons and sleeping with hookers in seedy motels*.

*Speaking of seedy motels, it looks like John's jumping into bed with Jerry in an attempt to court the Christian Right. For McCain's sake, I only hope the bedsprings don't give.

Nussle & Bush: Two Lame Ducks in a Limo

Jim Nussle and his adoptive father, President Bush, share a limousine ride back to D.C. after Nussle’s defeat in the Iowa Governor race. During the road trip, the two exchanged playful limericks, before engaging in an intellectual discourse about their lame-duck status. The following excerpts come from their unofficial transcript:

Lame-Duck Limericks

Climbing Nussle’s Ladder, by George W. Bush

There once was a man from Manchester,
Who made his living as a hustler;
When he came home to roost,
Looking for a presidential boost,
He was rubber stamped: “Return to Sender.”

The Lame-Duck Decider, by Jim Nussle

There once was a hell-bent “Decider,”
For failed policies he was quite a fighter.
He rode into Iowa, guns a blazing,
And tried firin’ up the Right Wing;
Shot down by voters, his crusade had backfired.

The Lame-Duck Minority Blues, written and performed as a duet by Jim and George

They descended from the pearly gates of D.C.,
In an attempt to bankrupt Democracy;
Despite the Bush sightings,
Iowans weren’t biting:
Humbled, they hobbled home to their new minority.

Begin Lame-Duck discourse:

Bush: Well, Jim, now you’re lame, just like me.

Nussle: True George, but you’re lamer.

Bush: Naw Jimmy, you’re lamer.

Nussle: You’re lamer than lame.

Bush: But I’m still the “Decider,” and I decide you’re lamer.

Nussle: But I’m only lame for a couple more months, not a couple of years like you lame-boy.
Bush: Don’t call me lame boy, lame boy.

Nussle: Lame Boy!

Bush: You’re the lame boy!

Nussle: Lame Boy!

Bush: As your Commander in Chief, I order you to stop calling me lame boy!

Nussle: Lame boy!

Bush: Don’t make me order the limo driver pull over!

Nussle: Lame boy!

Bush: No, you’re the lame boy……

This back and forth rhetorical discourse managed to stay the course all the way to Ohio, at which point, Lame-Duck President Bush ordered his driver to reroute their course, making sure they drove around Ohio and any other blues states on their way to D.C.