Gay Marriage Hits Iowa, Homophobes Vow Revenge

(Disclaimer: a satiric moratorium has been placed on the front end of this post. Anything that smacks of satire is intended to be non-hyperbolic truth and should be read as such.)

In a long overdue historic move, the Iowa Supreme Court issued a unanimous ruling that overturned a 10-year-old ban on same-sex marriage, noting the latter violated the Constitution’s basic fairness and equal protection clause.

Finally, gay couples and all Iowans (not including the homophobes whose marriages are already teetering on disaster and cannot handle any threats, perceived or otherwise, to their personal commitment) have reason to rejoice.

Gay marriage supporters gather at University of Iowa Pentacrest for rally celebrating Iowa Supreme Court ruling

Personally, I have always had a beef with the unconstitutionality of marriage laws. I’m a purist when it comes to the separation between “church and state” and state-sanctioned marriages endorsed by the church through its archaic biblical definitions (translations) smell like rotten meat.

On one level, gay people are required to pay taxes (with, by the way, unconstitutional money propagandizing religion: “In God We Trust”) but, unlike traditionally married couples, do not receive the same financial returns on their investment in the State. The Iowa Supreme Court, armed with logic, recognized that denying gay people the right to have their relationship endorsed by the state is unfair and unequal.

On another level, the landmark ruling plants a positive rainbow flag into the soul of humanity, reminding folks that it’s not a gay issue, rather a human issue. Like it or not, we are all born into the human experiment together, so it’s time for homophobes to drop the phobia and start looking inward to build or resurrect a stronger faith.

Speaking of homophobes, Iowa’s GOP, led by their flag-bearer and third-time gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats, is in a bit of a pickle. The only way they can reverse the Iowa Supreme Court’s ruling is through a politically initiated amendment to the Constitution that defines marriage as “between a man and a woman,” which needs to pass through the Iowa Assembly two consecutive sessions and be approved by the majority of Iowa voters. So the earliest this can happen is 2012.

I find it interesting that a party so hell-bent about keeping the government out of individuals’ bedrooms is equally hell-bent on letting the government into their churches. While the GOP insists that it is up to the majority of Iowans to decide what is best for everyone when it comes to defining marriage in Iowa, they are forgetting our forefathers' intent when they penned the Constitution, which ensures protections to the minority. This is precisely why they created a system of checks and balances.

But the GOP doesn’t like this notion when the balance is not in their favor, inspiring them to pull out their rhetorical crutches: “If those damn liberal judges would stop legislating from the bench…”

My retort to this is “Well, if those damn conservative lawmakers would stop enacting legislation that is unconstitutional…”

If the GOP wants to keep running to the right in Iowa and make gay marriage the cornerstone of their platform during the 2010 election, I’ll offer my services now to help write their concession speeches. In case they didn’t get the memo: Theocracy is dead in Iowa.

And before I unleash the snark, I just want to say how proud I was to be an Iowan yesterday. Once again, the nation was watching and we did not disappoint.

Revenge of the Homophobes: Send in the Clowns…

(Disclaimer II: the moratorium on snark and satire has been lifted from this point onward…)

During gathering at Iowa Supreme Court House, an unidentified Single Canadian Black Bear was spotted patroling the perimeter in search of mate -- a Single Black Bear who seeks same

Speaking of Clowns…errr homophobes, three-timin’ gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats sent out an e-mail response to yesterday’s ruling:

Dear (Homophobic) Friends,

A societal earthquake hit Iowa today, shaking our cultural and moral landscape to the core…

The National Weather Service reported no such thing rocking our societal foundation yesterday. Although they did report some seismic readings and sporadic tremors across the state, which were attributed to social-conservatives collectively throwing temper tantrums on the ground, screaming and pounding earth’s shell as their marriages crumbled around them.

…Unfortunately, the will of the people is being thwarted by Democrats who control the state legislature thanks in large part to huge contributions from the homosexual rights lobby…

I knew it was the gay lobby. When everybody else was blaming the unions and the will of the people exercising their will and delivering the GOP a smack-down at the polls in 2006, I knew it was the powerful gay lobby that sent Lt. Gov. wannabe Vander Plaats and his sidekick Jim Nussle packing.

…We can no longer afford to deceive ourselves. Our values are under attack. Iowa isn’t just on the front lines of the cultural war; today it became the epicenter. We need your help TODAY to defeat the homosexual rights lobby and turn back its agenda. We must stop the tyranny of a minority bent on imposing its misguided will on the majority of Iowans and Americans…

No comment. The irony of this statement and campaign solicitation speaks for itself.

Like the Iowa Dems, I’m hoping the GOP does nominate Vander Plaats next year, which may inspire yet another satiric blog in the tradition of Nussle & Flow.

The argument that gay marriage opponents use that I find most absurd is that gay marriage poses a threat to traditional marriages and the institution of marriage. As if the latter institution didn’t already have other a more daunting threat: divorce.

To help dramatize this absurdity, I wrote a comedy sketch on my sister site Say Something Funny: Six Feet Under (Broadway): ‘Marriage Under Attack (This is Not a Dramatization!)’.