Saturday, November 25, 2006

Invading Tom Vilsack’s MySpace

What could somebody like Tom Vilsack, Iowa Governor and presidential hopeful, have in common with somebody like me, a mere political satirist?

The answer: a 30-year old guy named Tom from Santa Monica, California -- who, by the way, could be the most popular man in the world, weighing in with a mere 133,070,457 friends on My Space. It helps that Tom is employed by My Space, but if the other Tom, the Vilsack Tom can tap into My Space Tom’s network of friends, befriend these folks and get them to vote for him in the ’08 election, President Vilsacks’s “Friend Space” will mushroom exponentially, possibly helping him surpass My Space Tom’s popularity. Fortunately for Vilsack, Santa Monica Tom won’t be old enough to run for president in ’08, otherwise Vilsack would have to reassess his friendship with Tom.

As a political satirist, it pays to get close to my subjects and see what makes them tick, or not tick as is the case with a number of elected politicians, so I joined My Space with the intent of infiltrating Vilsack’s Friend Space. I’ve taken the initial step by inviting myself to join Tom Vilsack’s network, but I have yet to be officially invited. I’m hoping it’s just the holidays. I’m sure, like most red-blooded American’s, Tom’s still recovering from a turkey binge.

Nonetheless, I’ve found all of the new attention on My Space quite flattering. I’m already hooked, and I need to score some more friends. Fast. I got a taste of one Tom, looking to suffice my addiction with a fix from another Tom, and who knows where my addiction will lead, possibly a job at My Space or in the Oval Office

But first, I must declare a “War on Toms” and close the “Friend Gap” on the Two Toms, starting with Vilsack Tom who has already logged 376 friends. Once I close this gap, I’ll set my sights on the My Space Superpower, Santa Clara Tom, who has already stockpiled enough friends to populate an island in Europe and take over the European Union.

I only have one friend, so I’m counting on you, dear reader and potential friend, to help me win this war. Go to My Space and join my Friend Network before it’s too late:

Your Friend,
T.M. Lindsey

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

King to Vacation in Iraq for Thanksgiving Holidays

Iowa’s Master of Political Horror, Rep. Steve King, announced he was planning to make his fourth trip to Iraq to “get away from it all.” Sticking to his claim that the streets of Baghdad are safer than those of Washington, D.C., King decided he needed a taxpayer-financed vacation to help him relax and get in touch with himself before the Democrats took control of the House in January.

To help protect the people of Iraq, King’s aides said they would not release the exact dates and itinerary of King’s vacation. Although, an inside source released the following itinerary of events and places Rep. King will likely attend:

The First Annual Green Zone Block Party: King is expected to be one of the keynote speakers and honorary karaoke performer. Word has it he’ll be performing either a rousing rendition of the Clash’s “Should We Stay of Should We Go Now,” or the Talking Heads’ “We’re on a Road to Nowhere.”

A Doctors Without Borders makeshift hospital: located just outside of Baghdad, the makeshift unit serves as a hospital for wounded military personnel and Iraqi civilians. King wants to personally offer his gratitude for they’re unyielding efforts in the Democracy Crusades. King also wants to meet with hospital administrators and implement a plan to build giant neon signs that read, “No Insurgents Allowed,” and “Insurgents Will Be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law.” The initial response by Iraqi hospital administrators has been lukewarm to King’s idea, namely because he wants all the signs to be in English only. Furthermore, King wants to build a fence around the hospital compound to deter undocumented Iraqi civilians from sneaking in and receiving free medical treatment.

Civil War Denial Intervention: unbeknownst to Rep. Steve King, Iraqi leaders have organized a mass intervention on behalf of the Iowa Congressman. Organizers have amassed military leaders on all sides of the spectrum to help King face his precipitating illusions of grandeur and take the first step in publicly admitting that Iraq is entrenched in a Civil War. A party, catered by a Halliburton subsidiary, is expected to follow King’s outing.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Vilsack Denies He’s the Boogeyman

“A Nightmare on Elm Street,” begat Freddy Kruger, “Halloween” begat Michael Meyer, “Friday the 13th” begat Jason, “Child’s Play” begat Chucky, “The Night Before Christmas” begat Oogie Boogie,” “The Bush Dynasty” begat Dick Cheney, and now “The ’08 Iowa Caucuses” has begotten our own Boogeyman, Governor Tom Vilsack.

I'm your boogie man, that's what I am.
I'm here to do whatever I can.

Despite rumors circulating on the national political scene that Tom Vilsack’s presidential bid will “scare off” the competition in the Iowa caucuses, Vilsack denies he’s the Boogeyman. Vilsack issued an open invitation to a national cable audience: "I think every candidate for president who's interested in being the President of the United States needs to come to Iowa and we need to campaign together.”

This said, I wonder what other potential Boogeymen and/or Boogeywomen will rear their heads and enter the presidential race -- emerging from underneath the bed or basement stairs, a dark closet, an abandoned warehouse in Texas, the oval office, or an undisclosed Wal-Mart near you.

The big question for Iowans is: Do we have enough room for more than one Boogeyman? After all, we already have our own Boogey man and “Master of Horror,” Rep. Steve King.

I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
WOOO!OOOh aaah
OOOh aaah