Friday, January 19, 2007

Wanted: Tax-Deductible Skybox to Inhabit

Thanks to Senator Grassley and his wanting to poke around in the federal tax code, my dream of procuring a tax-deductible “Suite” at Kinnick Stadium is in jeopardy. Grassley recently begged the question: “Do college-athletic donations merit tax deductions?” Apparently, Grassley’s fixation with enacting a “pimp tax” has subsided. Assuming he ever makes back alive from his journey into the tax-code abyss, his quest may conclude that stadium suites should not receive a tax exemption. The Hawkeyes have already priced me out of the season ticket market for football, and now Grassley wants to throttle my dream of not only renting, but inhabiting a skybox (or “suite” for those of you who are fortunate to reside in the upper echelon).

I defy you, Grassley! Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and rainforests you’re used to…

For some time, I’ve had my eye on one of the low-brow suites which rent at $55,000 a year (includes all of the amenities). Although with a $8,640 tax break, I’d only be looking at $46,360. Imagine all the beer I could buy with the extra savings, keeping my suite refrigerator adequately stocked for game days and other special occasions throughout the year:

Kinnick Stadium Suite Fight Song

In Kinnick there is no beer,
Unless you dink it in stadium suites.
And when it’s gone from here,
We’ll pillage Two Star’s confiscated treats.

I have not taken my dream of living in a Kinnick Suite lightly, and I’ve carefully considered a number of options:

1. Since there’s still an opening for the University of Iowa President position, I plan on throwing my name in to the hat, since one of the perks of becoming the University’s President is the coveted Presidential Suite which seats 71. Although, given the current presidential search quagmire and its "stay the course" mentality, it may take years before the next President is hired.

2. Using an urban-renewal grant, gentrify the student section with the intent of luring fans away form their luxury suites, thus creating a“buyers’ market”.

3. Lean on some of the low-end renters, sending in some perpetual tail-gaiters, armed with loaded cases of Bud Lite and monosyllabic, four-letter threats. This should get the message across that I mean business.

4. Run the following ad in Iowa newspapers' “Skybox Wanted” section:

Will work for Tax-Deductible Stadium Suite! Unemployed blogger seeks gainful employment in exchange for year-round habitation in Kinnick Suite. Willing to work seven days a year, cleaning up after game-day festivities.

Clearly, time is of the essence, so it’s imperative you contact Senator Grassley and discourage him from further probing the tax code.

Future home of T.M. Lindsey, "Where dreams may come..."


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