In the culture of fear-driven politics, it appears Iowa is afraid of losing its first-in-the-nation status. But hold on folks…
Have no fear, the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau is here!
The bureau’s film commission wants to mix politics with entertainment, which, by the way, is a direct violation of the unwritten clause of the Constitution which calls for the “separation of Politics and the Arts.” Both parties have already been pushing the limitations of this unwritten statute with their National political conventions -- glorified Infomercials filled with political speakers who’ve mastered the glazed-over Infomercial look that tells viewers “if you buy this product, you too will be perpetually stoned.”
The aim of the bureau is to spark nationwide appreciation and understanding of the presidential-nomination process. Organizers have already added Britney Spears and Lee Greenwood to their wish list to help communicate these objectives. So when Britney Spears breaks into a tawdry rendition of “Toxic” and belts:
There’s no escape/ I can’t hide /I need a hit/Baby, give me it /You’re dangerous/I’m lovin’ it …
People ignorant of politics and the caucus process will have a full understanding of not only how precinct delegates are chosen but what their specific duties and responsibilities will entail at the county level.
But again, the film commission is walking the fine line separating politics and the arts, claiming in their press release, “politics will be left at the door, but the window will be open to positive political satire.” Hmmmm…positive political satire, eh? This pretty much puts the kibosh on Stephen Corbert and pretty much any other satirist/comedian except Iowa’s very own Tom Arnold. (Anybody else smell a conspiracy theory here? First hosting Culver’s inaugural festivities in Iowa City, and now…)
(Disclaimer: The following attempt at political satire is meant to be taken in a positive light. The reader is solely responsible for anything that may be construed as negative and should read at their own risk.)
In lieu of a celebratory love fest, we should treat the presidential hopefuls as up-and-coming celebrities by hosting a political rendition of “American Idle.” Using the similar format to the ever-popular, “American Idol,” the hopefuls will perform a series of political acts such as an extemporaneous speaking game of “But I Don’t Have the Poll Numbers in Front of Me,” followed by an improvisation round of “Whose Democracy Is It Anyway?,” and then the final round when contestants get a chance to showcase their unique talents in “Stupid Politician Tricks.”
For all of you political paparazzis out there who hope the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau gets their wish, so you can snap a glimpse of Britney’s panty-less crotch, this should help appease you for now:
Don’t hold your breath too long; Political Fallout was able to contact Britney at home via telephone earlier today:
PF: What is your opinion about Iowa's Caucuses?
Britney: (long pause, babies crying in the background) I don’t know. I’ve never had one before. (hangs up)
Although if the gig does fall through, be sure to keep your cameras loaded; there’s always Hillary:
Bracket Bustin’ Badgers
5 weeks ago