I hope the debate moderators hit upon the conservative labeling quagmire from the very beginning, just so the audience can rest assured that all of the candidates are indeed conservatives. I imagine a lightning round of introductions playing out like this:
(Note: Candidates have been ranked by their Political Fallout Conservative Score (PFCS), which is based on the candidates’ own perception of their conservatism and cross referenced with internal polling.)
Moderator: “Will the real conservative candidate please step forward?”
Top Tier Conservatives
Sam Brownback: “I’m God’s Senator, and I’m a Full-Scale Conservative.”
Mike Huckabee: “I’m a Genuine Conservative with genuine convictions.”
Second Tier Conservatives
Tommy Thompson: “Unlike others who say they’re conservatives, yet don’t act conservatively, I’m your Reliable Conservative."
Jim Gilmore: “I’m not just your ordinary, willy-nilly conservative. Why, I’m a Faithful Conservative.”
Duncan Hunter: "I hope to be the Most Conservative."
Mitt Romney: "Not only am I a Conservative, I'm a Conservative Republican."
Conservative Flavor of the Week (formerly the Neoconservative Special)
John McCain: "I was a Conservative when it was cool not being Conservative and not a Conservative when it was cool, but now I assure you that I am indeed a Conservative. For now anyway."
Non-Practicing Conservatives (formerly L*beral Conservatives)
Rudy Giuliani: "I'm a Conservative (pause) no, really, I am."
Tune in tonight to watch the candidates battle it out for the no-holds-barred Conservative Rubber Stamp.