Political Fallout: Rants Seduces Pettengill to the Dark Side

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Rants Seduces Pettengill to the Dark Side

Christopher Rants: "Come, Dawn...come to the Dark side of the Minority Force..."

Big Tobacco’s Major Player, House Minority Leader Christopher Rants, used his behind the scenes charm* to seduce Dawn Pettengill to the Dark Side of the Minority Force. Dawn’s supporters are hailing her defection as courageous. Meanwhile, her opponents are calling her move an act of betrayal, while Kevin McCarthy, House Majority Leader of the Democratic Empire dismissed her move as “…more of a shift on paper…” Ouch, even in the cutting edge world of a paper-shuffling bureaucracy, that analogy had to hurt.

*Rants’s behind the scene charms consist of frequent temper tantrums, labor union bashing, and writing “Democrats are a bunch of poo poo heads” on the state house bathroom stalls with water-soluble markers.

Dawn Pettengill captured in a Rants Trance after watching him work his Svengali powers on House floor by throwing a hypnotic temper tantrum.

Mark Twain once said, “There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.” Tempted by the loss of power, it looks like Dawn may have succumbed to Rants’s Svengali powers. (Extracted from George du Maurier’s 1894 novel, Trilby, the word "Svengali" means a person who, with evil intent, manipulates another into what is desired.) Sounds like we have the ingredients for shooting another adaptation of Tribly here in Iowa. Now all we have to do is woo Hollywood, manipulating them with Iowa’s new film tax exemption.

The following is a dramatization of Rants working his hypnotic Svengali powers on the susceptible Dawn Pettengill. (I repeat: This is a dramatization. Do not try this at home or work, unless you’ve received your official degree in the Fine Arts of Manipulation from the Karl Rove School of Svengali.)

Tribly II: Dawn of the GOP

Rants: Look into my eyes Dawn, and imagine my eyeballs are dollar signs.

Dawn: (entranced) Yes, Mr. Rants. Dollar signs.

Rants: Focus, focus on the dollar signs.

Dawn: (still entranced) Yes, Mr. Rants

Rants: Now imagine watching me every single day, working my magic on the House floor and behind the scenes with the GOP.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants.

Rants: Your Party no longer loves you, Dawn. Not like Mr. Rants’ssssssssssss Party.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rantssssssss…

Rants: Come join the Minority Force and watch me, yes me, work my magic by evoking my almighty procedural powers.

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants. You do have the power to clog up the bureaucratic machine.

Rants: If you come, Dawn. Others will follow and we will control the House next year (sinister laugh here).

Dawn: Oh, Mr. Rants, you truly are amazing.

Rants: I know, I know, Dawn. You are so wise. Now come to the Dark Side. Shall we dance?

Dawn: Yes, Mr. Rants. I would love to dance with you.

(They dance the forbidden dance.)

FADE OUT