Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Adventures of Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man): Volume 2

Faster than a breeding polygamous Mormon Fundamentalist, more powerful than the Christian Right, and able to leap Latter Day Saints’ Churches without snagging his temple garments: It’s a dove, it’s a hawk, why it’s Super Subliminal Mormon Man!

Republican presidential candidate Mitt (Super Subliminal Mormon Man) Romney brought his outsourced Yankee snake oil (brewed and bottled by unwed children in remote salt flats of Utah) to Waterloo on Friday night, throwing a change-up pitch at voters (potential snake-oil consumers): Focus on his political resume (voted Democrat in ’92, supported gay marriage, tried to out-liberal Ted Kennedy in senatorial bid), not the liberal reputation of the state it was written (officially dubbed, “The Most Liberal State GOP Money Can Buy,” while he was the state’s CEO).

Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts, touted his conservative credentials (purchased from company advertised in back of “Rolling Stone” magazine) on education, budgets and social issues in a state (“You-Know Where”) known as a Democratic stronghold (New Iraq). "There are a few Democrats there (the “Place-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named”)," Romney joked with more than 250 people during lunch at a local brew pub (What Would Joseph Smith Jr. Say?). "But there are also a few good Republicans (1.5), conservatives like myself (John Kerry and Ted Kennedy) who battle away ... working with good people (both hetero- and homosexual) on both sides of the aisle to get things done (wink, wink)."

Romney, 59, was elected to his single term as governor in 2002. He stepped down earlier this month to join a crowded field of Republicans (polygamous sausage fest) seeking the nomination (of Head Sausage Meister). Romney touted his record on education: "Republicans care about education (testing). Democrats can't do what needs to be done there (“You-Know-Where”). They are so wedded to the teachers union (marriage not recognized outside of the “Place-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named) they can't put kids first (front lines of salt flats)."

Several attendees said they liked his support for President Bush's plan to send more troops to Iraq (Oh, when the Latter Day Saints go marching in…)