Wednesday, January 31, 2007

‘Fallout Poll: Most Think U.S. Ready for Cuckold President

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." -Mark Twain

Is the country ready to send a cuckold back to the White House? A majority of Iowans think so. What about an adulterer? Or a grown man who still goes by Tommy? Not yet.

Helping feed American’s addiction for useless information, pie charts, and multi-colored bar graphs, the “Des Moines Register” conducted a poll which revealed:

Two-thirds of the state's adults believe the nation is ready for an African-American president in 2008. A smaller majority - 55 percent - says the American electorate is open to choosing a woman. But just 40 percent believe the country is ready for a president who is Hispanic.
Inspired by the malaise of the electorate and expending energy collecting useless information, the staff at Political Fallout thought it was in the best interest of the blogsphere to help feed America’s addiction to polls by conducting its own poll. (Note: The poll of 100 adults who had nothing better to do with their lives than respond to seemingly baseless poll questions by a Political Fallout operative was conducted Monday and Tuesday evenings.)

Political Fallout’s Polling Ad Nauseam:
A majority of those polled – 63 percent – said the American electorate is open to electing a cuckold for the highest office in the land. Leading cuckold rights activist, Jane Seller, said: “It’s about time people recognized the hardships cuckolds face in their daily lives, especially women cuckolded by high-profile adulterers. Besides, cuckolds know what if feels like to be betrayed and are less likely to use their office to commit adulterous sins.”

Speaking of adulterers, Iowans were lukewarm – 22 percent -- about the idea of choosing an adulterer, fearing this would not only stain the reputation of the highest office but would blemish America’s moral standing in the global community. “Iowans already weighed in where they stand on adulterers when they opted not to elect Jim Nussle for Governor,” said Jesus, a documented worker from Mexico. “And now Nussle’s hooking up with fellow adulterer, Rudy Giuliani? It won’t be long before Newt Gingrich jumps into bed with them.”

Other findings revealed that the majority of voters were okay with electing a “Tom” or “Thomas” -- most of the them (17% more) preferring “Thomas” because of the name’s historical precedence (i.e Jefferson), while most voters viewed “Tommy” unfavorably (94%). “Tommy? Are you kidding me?” said longtime Democrat Thomas Rutherford, “Tommy is a boys’ name, not the leader of the free world. I grew out of ‘Tommy’ when I was seven, although my mommy still calls me Tommy whenever I disappoint her -- meaning whenever I vote Republican.”

Oddly enough, when asked if they could support a “dead white guy” for president, a small majority (51%) said “yes.” “Why not?” said Max Overton, a Classics Professor at the University of Iowa. “We’re so quick to revere the literary canon in education, yet when it comes to promoting “dead white guys” for elected office, the electorate is under the illusion we can do much better. Had we elected a “dead white guy” for President in 2000, I guarantee we would be a lot better off than we our now.”

Finally, a slight majority (50.5%) of those polled said they would be more comfortable with a having a woman president than a woman god. “The thought of female god scares the crap out of me,” said John Kimball, a devout Christian. “With a woman president, we would only have to feel her wrath for no more than eight years, whereas a female god has an eternal term to unleash her wrath. Believe me you, we have a lot to atone for; especially all of the goddamn men out there who have royally screwed things up.”

In trademark Hillary fashion, Senator Clinton attempts to appeal to both sides of the poll, while campaigning at a Mega-Town Hall Meeting in Des Moines, Iowa. Hillary couples her female and God-like presence by striking a womanly, yet Jesus-like pose for gathered Hillary worshipers.