Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Gay Marriage in Iowa and the Pending Apocalypse

(Disclaimer: In no way, shape or listless form is this column intended to threaten the sanctity of marriage. No legal unions between men and women dissolved during the writing process. Nonetheless, some readers should proceed with caution if their faith in the sanctity of marriage is threatened by external forces such as the gay marriages of others, Village People songs at wedding receptions or literal translations of satiric parables. Keep in mind that the definition of satire is between satirists and their readers and should in no way be misconstrued by those who decry its very existence yet don't bother to read it. Such behavior will only serve to threaten the sanctity of satire, which in turn may lead to the end of the world as we know it.)

Upon hearing news of Polk County Judge Robert Hanson’s ruling smiting Iowa’s prohibition on same-sex marriage, I grabbed my well-thumbed copy of James Dobson’s “Marriage Under Fire,” hopped in my Sin City getaway car, and fled Des Moines before God had a chance to destroy the capital city with fire and brimstone. I had to reach moral high ground before it was too late. While crossing the county line, I was tempted to look back and steal one final glimpse of the capital city aflame.

But when I looked in the rear-view mirror, I felt disappointed. A firestorm had not consumed my place of birth; I had not turned into a pillar of salt. My wavering doubts in the sanctity of marriage slowly gave way to doubts about the moral prophets of doom, who have predicted that gay marriage not only will destroy the sanctity of marriage and the moral fiber of our society but also will serve as a precursor to the apocalypse.


Upon hearing Judge Hanson's ruling on same-sex marriage, the Lone Rider of the Apocalypse armed himself with throwing knives in order to protect his heterosexual marriage, which ended abruptly in divorce in 2002.

In his “Marriage Under Fire” manifesto, Dobson argues that same-sex marriage will bring about the end of the world: “The culture war will be over, and the world may soon become ‘as it was in the days of Noah.’” Dobson, chairman of the board of “Focus on the Family,” reiterated that theme in October 2004 when he asserted that allowing same-sex couples to wed would not only “destroy marriage. It will destroy the earth.”

One week later…

Des Moines is still standing, 21 gay couples are still married (although their licenses are now pending), and not a single heterosexual couple has reportedly filed for divorce on the grounds that gay marriage has ruined their union. Meanwhile, the moral meteorologists have lifted the fire and brimstone warnings, for now, since the window of opportunity for gay couples to marry in Polk County quickly slammed shut last Friday -- when Hanson agreed to suspend his day-old ruling.

The institution of marriage has managed to survive despite countless divorces and annulments, but those on the far right want us to believe that gay marriage will be the one thing that shreds the moral fiber of America. Speaking of unraveling, when Sen. David Vitter, R-La., was running for office in 2004, he warned about the toll gay marriage would have on our society in a statement on “Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage”: "The Hollywood left is redefining the most basic institution in human history.”

But this was nothing compared to Vitter’s off-color joke comparing the impact of gay marriage to the devastation wrought by hurricanes Katrina and Rita. "Unfortunately, it's the crossroads where Katrina meets Rita,” Vitter said while speaking at a Lafayette Parish Republican Executive Committee luncheon. "I always knew I was against same-sex unions."

This was all before Vitter’s name appeared on the “D.C. Madam’s” phone list and the lawmaker was accused of solicitation of a prostitute, which I believe I heard Dr. Phil once say is a threat to the sanctity of marriage. Vitter apologized for the incident and took full responsibility for his sins, thus cleansing him of wrongdoings. It appears adultery is forgivable but homosexuality remains damnable. Speaking of which, there is a component of our society that believes once gay marriage is legalized, the sky will fall:

The Sky Fell on these American Christians…



…the moment they opened their mouths and tried to string together a coherent line of logical analysis. Mark Twain said it best: “It’s better to be the fool and remain silent, then open your mouth and remove all doubt.” If these folks are God’s foot soldiers, He may want to consider reinstituting the draft.

Cue R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World”

It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
Originally posted on "Iowa Indpendent"

4 comments:

Super Jenna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Super Jenna said...

Just so you know, I basically got a blog so I could leave this comment.

You. Are. Hi. Larious.

I found your blog about a month ago for some silly school project and thought it was awesome so I kept visiting. But this post specifically struck me as hilarious because its so true and soooooo sarcastic, which I love. The newest one about the Sister Souljah robot was also amazing, although the idea of a heckling robotwas funny alone.
Anyway, keep it up! I love your work, esspecially this, and hopefully you'll keep us all up on the gay agenda up until the apocalypse! We can sing REM in flamboyant lisps together that day.

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