Sen. Harkin: Just Say “No” to Ogres

Move over Joe Camel, there’s a new scapegoat in town. In the name of “Corporate Responsibility,” grab your torches and join Senator Tom Harkin as he heads to Duloc to take down the poster boy of obesity: Shrek.

Shrek responds to Sen. Harkin's allegations by blowing smoke out of his ears

Once revered as a hero by Sen. Harkin for his tireless efforts against eminent domain and Lord Farquand’s attempt to usurp his swampland, Shrek’s fame has quickly fallen with his recent prostitution to the fat cats of the sugar industry. Big Sugar Daddy lobbyists aren’t going to back down to Sen. Harkin’s threats of stepping in and imposing government regulation of the Big Sugar Industry:

"If these industries continue on their present course, government has a responsibility to act," said Harkin. "We are not going to stand idly by in the face of a worsening epidemic of childhood obesity and diabetes."

Another one of Harkin’s 98% fat-free beefs with Shrek is his influence on children and omnipresent role-model powers. Kids are extremely impressionable and when they see a heroic, green ogre such as Shrek, they cannot help but want to be like Shrek:

"Kids love Shrek, so if Shrek says, 'Eat Cheetos,' then kids want to eat Cheetos," he said. "Why isn't Shrek advertising fresh fruits, vegetables, healthy choices?"

Better yet, why isn’t Dream Works adhering to the underlying principles of “truth in advertising” by having Shrek advertise the consumption of children, a more realistic ogre delicacy? Ironically, eating children, who, odds are they’re obese, would only serve to help prove Sen. Harkin’s point that children aren’t eating enough low-fat foods.

Due to the absence of wireless connections in Duloc, Shrek could not be reached for comment. However, Political Fallout did manage to contact Shrek’s spokesman and free-lance poster boy for the Democrat Party, Donkey. On behalf of his client, Donkey released the following statement:

Donkey: My client, the honorable Shrek, clearly has been scapegoated and discriminated by Senator Harkin and his recent crusade against the Big Sugar Industry. Not only is Mr. Harkin exploiting Shrek to perpetuate his own agenda, but in doing so, Sen. Harkin’s Ogrephobia reveals his prejudices – and not just those against Shrek, but those against all members of the global Ogre community. Shrek is not the one advertising products deemed “unhealthy” by Senator Harkin. Take Spiderman for example. He’s crept up on everything from sugar-coated cereals to 10% real fruit roll ups. But do you see anybody going after Spiderman with the same delusional zeal as Shrek? Shrek has clearly been singled out by Senator Harkin, which is not surprising, when considering the history of discrimination and methodic persecution against ogres and their ilk.

A spokesogre for the OCLU (Ogre Civil Liberties Union) agreed with Donkey’s charge of Ogrephobia, citing inconsistencies in the allegations lobbied against Shrek: “Nobody’s pointing fingers at Cap’n Crunch, a well-respected and high-ranking member of the military, for his promoting high-fat products.

Should Sen. Harkin and his Villagers succeed in their war against Shrek and Big Sugar, plans for battling other oxymoronic causes such as “Political Ethics” are already stewing in the back woods of D.C.