Pimpin’ Pollack Painting: A Modest Proposal for Sen. McCoy

Once again, Iowa Lawmakers are toying with the idea of prostituting Jackson Pollack’s “Mural” painting in exchange for cash to help pay for damages incurred by last summer’s flood on the University of Iowa campus. Sen. Matt McCoy, the new Fine Arts Pimp on the Block, proposed selling the painting “to help students mired in the state’s economic crisis.”

The Real McCoy: "Pssssst. Hey, buddy. Looking for some company? How 'bout a wall-sized Jackson Pollack painting to keep you comapny for the next hour?"

Beside the fact that proceeds from such a sale can only be used to buy more art and not directly help struggling students and recent college graduates, McCoy’s rationale for pimpin’ da Pollack painting drips with logical fallacies:

“If the college believes that owning up to a $200 million painting is more important than keeping tuition low they’ll continue to retain it,” McCoy said. “If they decide keeping tuition low and helping students find a job in the toughest economic downturn since the great Depression is more important, then sell it.”

Can you say ‘appeal to pity’ and ‘if…then’ fallacy? I knew you could.

Using this same logic, one could just as easily insert the following, replacing Pollack’s paining, to get the desired effect:

1. Des Moines Art Museum (completely furnished of course)

2. The South Side of Des Moines (sell off, including McCoy’s crib, and make own profitable municipality)

3. Terrace Hill Mansion (completely furnished as well; Culver family extra)

4. The State Capital Building and grounds (Do they really need all that room to get nothing done?)

5. The Golden Dome atop the State Capital Building

6. Western half of Iowa (sell to Nebraska; no extra charge for Rep. Steve King)

Of course, if we really cared about our college students and their futures, all of these items should be on the table.

Moreover, if Sen. McCoy is genuinely concerned about their economic woes and would like to jumpstart the sacrificing process, I propose he throw in his first-born child to sweeten the pot, hence:

A MODEST PROPOSAL

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IOWA FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR THE STATE, AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC

IT IS a melancholy object to those who walk through Iowa City when they see the streets littered with college students, who spent the rest of their tuition money on another all-night Thirsty Thursday booze binge. But not all college students and recently graduating students, who are currently frictionally unemployed, are to blame for the skyrocketing tuition costs exacerbated by the current economic downturn and last year’s deluge in Iowa City. These students, instead of being able to attend college or find gainful employment to ensure an honest livelihood are forced to employ all their time begging for coin to fund their binges.

To end this scourge on society, I propose a top-down economic solution, wherein the top financial rung of society, including all lawmakers, sacrifice their first-born child, which will be auctioned off to the public to the highest bidder. Proceeds from these sales will be used to replenish state coffers and funding mechanisms directly used to finance the education of all prospective college students in the state of Iowa, thus alleviating the burden to parents and lawmakers, the latter of which lack imagination and/or foresight.

Disclaimer: In no way does Political Fallout endorse human trafficking and/or the decapitation of golden domes. The proposal, albeit modest, should hopefully serve as a mere deterrent to future proposed prostitutions of the fine arts. After all, it worked in the film, “Blues Brothers,” when Jake, who on a mission from God, crashed a fellow band members fine-dining establishments and used similar implicit threats to convince a him to join the band.

God's Minions: Elwood & Jake

Jake to father at nearby table: “How much for the little girl? How much for the women? Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.”