Republican National Commercial: Fallout and Other Observations

The Republicans’ four-day Infomercial ended Thursday in Minnesota’s fraternal Twin Cities, and despite the fact no literal casualties were reported (although crews have yet to clear all of the balloons from ground zero), it is safe to say that politics will never be the same.

McCain shows off the largest of his seven homes, bragging his eighth, The White House, will be his biggest achievement of all

Regarding the latter allusion, I felt like the target audience inside the arena was upper middle class folks who have been duped by the powers that be that such a distinction exists and those prone to sporadic bouts of amnesia or Nationalistic-induced Tourette’s Syndrome outbursts:

“U.S.A…U.S.A…U.S.A…!” (shouted to drown out dissenters)

“Drill, baby, drill…! (chant for collective lobotomy to help end dependence on foreign thinking)

I realize the GOP wants the voting electorate to whitewash the past eight years in their minds, but I couldn’t help but feel I was watching an Amnesia Convention. Or was it a gun show? It seems I have forgotten.

Everyone, including McCain, knows that John SYDNEY McCain was a P.O.W. in the Vietnam War, and was shot down and tortured by his captors. But did every speaker need to remind us of this?

Everyone, including McCain, knows that former New York Mayor Rudy Guliani was on the ground during the Sept. 11 attacks, but just in case, the RNC displayed a video of the New York City skyline at sunset as it reflected off the harbor and Rudy’s receding skyline.

Before mocking Obama and community organizing, Rudy Giuliani read Allen Ginsberg's poem, "America," with the NYC sunset falling on the harbor in the backdrop

Speaking of which, most voters are Baldists, so whether voters are ready for another bald president remains to be seen come November.

Romney/Romney ‘12

Romney used the platform to deliver his 2012 speech, filled with liberal bashing and an allusion to “Romeo & Juliet” with an attempt at poetry and the sun rising in the east. Somebody forgot to tell Romney that Romeo and Juliet die in the end of the play – not an optimistic outlook for the former Eastern Governor.

Most Effective Speech: President Bush

Although the party faithful oohed and ahhed over Palin’s speech, the most effective speech was the one not delivered, thanks to Hurricane Gustav. Not being seen with Bush trumps being seen with Palin in any hand, unless you are playing with Karl Rove’s loaded deck. Can’t wait for the next two months of 52-card pick up, now that the GOP has officially declared a Jihad on the MEDIA (sparing only the fair-and-balanced FOX News, so somebody will be left to tell the story to future neo-cons). Tsk, Tsk, GOP; I suggest giving Gary Hart his presidential playbook back.

Best Chant: “Four More Years…Four More Years…!”

Republican National Commercial Political Fallout Index:

Ratio of Protestors to GOP Delegates: 9 to 1

Ratio of Corporate Lobbyists to GOP Delegates: 17 to 1

Number of protesters arrested outside of convention center: 400

Number of Delegates who fell asleep during McCain’s speech: 400

Number of times speakers said “executive experience”: no total (abacas ran out of beads)

Number of times speakers talked about health care: 0

Number of times Republicans played P.O.W. card: no total (again, abacas ran out of beads)

Number of times McCain addressed Veterans Care: 0

President Bush Names Prodigal Son, Jim Nussle, White House Budget Director

Jimmy the Hustler is BACK…in D.C.!!!

Bush and Nussle share a dubious laugh about their latest duping of the American people

After padding his resume with a failed Iowa gubernatorial bid and running Rudy Giuliani’s presidential bid into the ground as his top consultant, President Bush’s prodigal son is returning home to his adoptive father.

Throw in Nussle’s failures as House Budget Committee Chair -- while serving underneath his adoptive father’s watchful eye -- into the mix and what do you get?

Answer: A job as the White House Budget Director, that’s what.

Now that’s some serious hustling.

Political Fallout contacted Jimmy the Hustler (“Nussle & Flow”), who released the following statement:

We tried to work our hustle in Iowa, but these folks ain’t buying. Apparently, they weren't too hip about the prospects of my better half driving ‘em into bankruptcy. They’re not buying my boy Rudy’s New York hustle either, so it was only a matter of time before Jimbo was bound to take his A-game back to D.C. If we play our cards right, we have less than two years to help bankrupt the country and return to a Darwinian socio-economic paradigm -- where only the strongest will survive and political pimps, like yours truly, will rule the roost. It ain’t going to be easy to hustle the American people, especially with the Bossman’s approval ratings dipping below sea level, but that’s where I, Jimmy the Hustler, come into play.

Is America Ready for Another Bald President?

Americans and the media have always been obsessed with the “haves” and the “have nots,” and this goes without saying when it comes to John Edwards’ hair and his $400 haircut. A recent FOX News/Opinion Dynamics Poll asked telephone interviewees: Do you happen to know which presidential candidate has been in the news recently for paying $400 for a haircut?”

The only answers proffered by the interviewer were the top three Democratic candidates, followed by two of my favorite responses to all poll questions: “Other” and “Don’t Know;” although my favorite and standard response is “Don’t Care.” The results showed that roughly 46 percent of the respondents did not know about Edwards’ $400 haircut, which, as Greg Sargent pointed out on TPM Café, is 4 percent less than the number who knew that Saddam did not have WMD when we invaded Iraq. But as FOX News very well knows, we cannot begin muddling viewers' lives with facts. In the television news business, Weapons of Mass Deception are vital in winning the ratings war. Facts are major downers and a literal turn off to the television masses.

Speaking of the “haves and have nots,” the mainstream media’s negligence goes beyond their cursory coverage of the news. John Edwards’ haircut is merely a manifestation of a deeper issue that has long divided Americans along hairlines. Yes, folks, the “Two Americas” I’m talking about are those Americans who have hair and those who don’t have hair. There, I’ve said it. It was just a matter of time before I slicked back the comb-over and revealed the truth. The reason the majority of Americans are obsessed with hair is because we still live in a baldist society. Baldism is the real issue here, not the fact that Edwards paid an unseemly amount of money for a haircut.

Unfortunately, the “Bald is Beautiful” campaign does not extend itself to presidential politics. Pundits have been asking voters: Are Americans ready for a woman president? An African-American president? An Hispanic president? A Mormon president? But when will pundits and pollsters begin asking the real question: Are Americans ready for another bald president?

We haven’t had a bald president in 35 years, not since President Gerald Ford (see photo). But before you Baldists start touting Ford’s candidacy as a means of supplementing your own baldist guilt (“But, but…I’m not a baldist. Some of my good friends are bald.”), keep in mind that Ford was never elected to be president, or vice president for that matter. Ford, a distinctly bald man, had to win the presidency by entering the back doors of the White House. Ford was nominated to take former Vice President Spiro Agnew’s when he resigned, and then Ford fell into the presidency when President Nixon resigned in the wake of the Watergate scandal.

We have to go back 50 years to President Dwight Eisenhower’s re-election to note the last time the American people elected a bald president. Granted, Eisenhower (in case you've never heard of Eisenhower and or don't know what he looks like, see photo above) had to overcome the pervading baldism of the 1950's, but thanks to the positive “I Like Ike” media blitz, Americans were able overcome their inherent baldist bias. Furthermore, Eisenhower, a general and decorated war hero, was elected six years after World War II. People were still accustomed to bald men returning from the war and were able to put their baldist differences aside and take a leap of faith at the polls.

Fifty years later, however, baldism has reared its head in presidential politics and is destined to play an integral role, whether it's conscious or subconscious, in the 2008 election. We cannot deny this anymore. Looking at this year’s crop of well-groomed candidates, the Democratic " field has no bald candidates, while the Republicans have two bald candidates, Sen. John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, both considered top-tiered candidates. Clearly, history is stacked up against these guys and, as is the case with most bald presidential hopefuls, they have insurmountable odds to overcome in the next year.

Knowing two of their top three candidates are bald, the GOP has been internally struggling to find a viable candidate. They’re still looking for their white knight, and it appears former Sen. Fred Thompson may come to save the day. He’s already generating a buzz among GOP circles, but before they get their hopes up too high, they may want to proceed with caution.

News flash: Fred Thompson is bald! There, I said what had to be said.

Former Sen. Fred Thompson strikes former President Ford-like pose

When my hairline began receding in high school, I knew then that my presidential aspirations had begun to recede as well. I’ve vowed to never buy into the illusion that I can overcome the obstacles of balding by gradually concealing my follicle shortcomings with a hairpiece, veiling it with a comb-over, or replenishing my hair loss by transplanting hair from other, unmentionable parts of my body. I knew if I wanted to become president, I would have to change the baldists and put an end to baldism once and for all. My job is to change the closeted behaviors of all the baldists out there, who claim they are not, but behind the curtain know very well they could never vote for a bald president.

It’s time to pull back the political comb-overs, throw out the hair pieces and blur the hairline between the Two “Hair” Americas. We, Americans, need to start focusing on the meat of the issues, rather than obsessing on our wait staff’s hair, or better yet, lack of hair.

So I ask again: Is America ready for another bald president? Possible choices: (A) Not Sure, (B) Don’t Know, or (C) Don’t Care.

If you answered "C," you are correct in the sense that you paid attention to the front end of the column and have followed my advice. I will give you partial credit if you guessed "C" – since that’s what most Americans have been trained to do when they have absolutely no idea as to the answer.

Don’t worry, if you answered or guessed "A" or "B," there is still hope, although, this is contingent upon divine timing and whether or not you’re home when FOX News calls and asks you some questions thinly veiled by a newsworthy comb-over.

Cross-Posted at "Iowa Independent"

GOP Hopefuls’ April Fools’ Haikus

I Pity the April Fools’ Haikus

John McCain: Straight Talkin’ Panderer

McCain tours Iraq;
Finds silver lining in hell.
The surge is working.

Tommy Thompson: GOP’s Only “Reliable Conservative”

Screw Democracy!
Socialism in Iraq
Is the only Way!!

Mike Huckabee: GOP’s Marathon Man

A Spartan campaign
Running on shoestring budget:
I’m your Huckabee!

Rudy Giuliani: America’s Soprano

Pledges to clean up
D.C.'s dirty politics.
No? Just ask Kerik!

Tom Tancredo: The Gun Totin’ Xenophobe

Culture we imposed
On Indians is threatened.
Assimilate now!

Sam Brownback: "God’s Senator"

Look before leaping
Your faith in God’s Senator.
Iraq bed of nails.

Giuliani Scores Hit on Sopranos’ Don

Rudy Giuliani's flexing his political muscle, first by landing Iowa’s formal congressional pimp, Jimmy the Hustler, and now he’s reeled in Hollywood Soprano, Brad Grey (left). Who do these Wiseguys think they are, the Goodfellas? Grey, chairman and CEO of Paramount, plans to raise money for Giuliani and will endorse Rudy next week. How he'll raise the money has yet to be disclosed, but we can only guess these Wiseguys will have some kind “suggestions” to parlay to their potential donors:


“What a nice family yous got here, Mr./Mrs. _________________. I would hate to see anything bad happen to ‘em if da wrong person were elected president of our country. You know what I’m sayin’ Mr./Mrs. ___________________? So how much should I put you down for our boy, Rudy?”

“Let me tell ya, freedom ain’t cheap. No siree. In fact, it looks like you could use some protection. You know what I mean (winks)? So what da ya say? How much protection you in for, huh?”

Rudy's Work-in-Progress Campaign Mottos:

“A Vote for Rudy Is a Vote for Both Yo’ Legs.”

“Rudy’s Fixin’ to Win"

“When the Boss Says ‘Vote Rudy,’ You Damn Well Better Vote Rudy”

“I’d Hate to See What Happens to You If You Don’t Vote for Giuliani”

Giuliani & Nussle Hustlin’ in a Tree…

It looks likes Jimmy the Hustler’s coming home to roost, pimping his political wares for Rudy Giuliani, who named Nussle as a key supporter and advisor on his exploratory committee. Apparently Giuliani was impressed with Nussle’s failed bid to win Iowa’s governorship when he lost by 100,000 votes to Governor Culver: “Nussle brings valuable skills and a strong political track record in the state where precinct caucuses traditionally launch the presidential nominating season.” Philosophically, these two politicians make unlikely bedfellows, unless of course you throw adultery into the mix; here’s where they both have some common ingredients to help build a viable and meaningful relationship.

Meanwhile, at the Political Fallout Headquarters I received an e-mail from my former collaborator and good friend, Jimmy the Hustler:

Dear T.M.,

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Newt Gingrich? Nope, but close. Think adultery. You guessed it: Rudy Giuliani. (pause to let shock settle in) I thought Jimbo was going to hold out for the Newtster, but in Jimbo’s new enterprise, Navigating Strategies, the moral compass always points to $. By the way, the compass logo was my idea. If anybody needs help finding himself, it’s Jimbo. And when he starts looking inward, maybe some day he’ll find yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. Pretty clever, eh?

I hope your new blog, “Political Fallout,” is going well. I miss the “Nussle and Flow” days. Speaking of which, I wrote a quick lullaby parody. Any chance you could post it on your blog?

Nussle and Rudy, sittin’ in an adult tree:
H-U-S-T-L-I-N-G.
First comes money, then comes marriage,
Then comes Hypocrisy in a baby carriage.

Take care, T.M., and be sure to stay in touch. Now that the hustle's back on, I imagine we’ll be crossing paths more often.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

While reminiscing and surfing Jimmy's old site, I stumbled upon the following post, "Nussle Rules Out Career as Political Prognosticator," appeared on "Nussle and Flow" the Saturday before Nussle's resounding defeat:

In case you are wondering, Jim Nussle is on the left. It appears "H & C" failed to recognize Jim, despite all the bright green Nussle signs in the background.

We all know that Jim has problems with fuzzy math, and when he uses these numbers to predict the future, his fuzzy math is merely exacerbated. The day before the election, Nussle appeared on the FOX News show, “Hannity and Colmes,” with fellow Republican Adulterer, Rudolph Giuliani (I mean c’mon folks, anybody named after Rudolph Valentino, “The Great Latin Lover,” is predestined to be a major player. Watch and see as he brings his A-game hustle to Iowa when he makes a run for the next president).

During the interview, Colmes confronted Nussle with the poll numbers from "The Des Moines Register," which indicated he trailed Culver by nine percentage points. Nussle shot back, “Don’t bet on the polls, Alan. Be careful…The Democrats bet on the polls last time, and they lost the election nationally….”

Unlike Colmes, who responded he doesn’t bet on polls and he’s not a betting man, I am a betting man. Any hustler who is in touch with his inner-pimp is a betting man. That’s the only way to keep the hustle alive, breathing steadily, until your next mark shows up and the hustle swings into rhetorical action.

The moment I heard Jim say this on FOX News, I contacted my bookie and bet the spread. I bet everything, and what do you know, “The Des Moines Register” was spot on. Thanks to Jimbo, I have a golden parachute to land with in January when Jim abandons me for the lobbying world -- which remind me of another lesson I learned in the world of hustling: Always have a “Plan B”tucked under your sleeve, because it’s hard out there for a pimp, eh Rudy?

(Be very careful ladies, one of these "Great Lovers" is coming to Iowa in an attempt to woo you and your vote. Keep your doors locked and don't answer any unauthorized numbers, for both men are said to be armed with an indefensible sex appeal and are to be considered dangerous.)

Update: Guess what, Ladies? They're Heeeere...