Pseudo-Live Blog of Da Dem Debate

Jumping in a little late to the Democratic debate, but here goes.

Edwards joins Obama in "War of Change" against the Status Quo PrimaDona:

"We got change yes we do.
We got change, how about you?"

Clinton raises her voice:

"You want change, I got the most.
I got the most..."

Cue David Bowie’s “Changes…”

“Ch-ch-ch-changes…Turn and face the strange…”

“Boo, it’s me, Osama bin Laden…”

“Turn and face the strange…”

“Boo, it’s me: George Bush…”

“Ch-ch-ch-changes…”

Richardson, the little kid trapped at his friends when his friend’s parents start family fight over his head, jumps in with humor to ease the tension:

“I’ve seen more civil arguments in hostage negotiations.”

Speaking of change, let’s ch-ch-ch-change the subject.

I finally figured out who Edwards reminds me of when he speaks and gesticulates, using his thumb and forefinger(s) when making points: Quincy, M.D. (from the TV Drama):

Quincy speaking in the morgue over a frozen cadaver: “Sam, can’t you see. If we don’t do anything to stop the meaningless slaughter of people caught in the perpetual cycle of poverty whose only crime was being born under the Reagan era and crushed to death by a maelstrom of trickle-down economics, we’ll be performing millions more autopsies just like this one. Something has to be done before it’s too late, and I intend to do something about it. Pack your bags, Sam, we’re going to an off-shore bank to find some answers and maybe do a little snorkeling…for answers of course."

Scott notices double-team on Hillary: Why don’t New Hampshire voters like you?

That hurt my feelings. (Newsbreak: Hillary has feelings. Details at 10).

Hillary is comparing Obama to Bush? Who in their right mind would want to have a beer with Bush? Don’t people know that drinking beers with Bush is dangerous business? The odds of choking on a pretzel are astounding?

Newsflash: According to Fred Thompson, the Liberals like Obama more than “Law and Order.”

Bill’s eyes are caught in the caught in the what-have-you-done-about-energy-lately headlights. Blink, Bill, blink…Quick, Edwards, loan Bill some of your blinks before his eyes dry up.

Bill says Al Gore is right and deserves the “Noble Price…?”

Political Fallout starts the bidding at $10… Can I get 15? Where’s Leonard Boswell when I need him and his auctioneer skills?

Scott challenges Edwards’ selective memory: “Scott, can’t you see; young children are dying because we don’t have a patients bill of rights…”

Note: John Edwards’ father gets a day off from retirement to attend the debate.

Clinton calls for “Reality Break”: Tsk, tsk, Hillary, even NH voters know that reality and politics don’t mix. Translate change into action. Again another political paradox. Let me check my English to Political Speak Dictionary for confirmation.

Political Action: see oxymoron.

Obama: “Words do matter.” Ain’t that the truth.

Bill feels the pain of do-nothing-Congress. You guys are screwin’ up my state.

Edwards & Obama: We need to unite and galvanize Americans and sick them on those big, mean lobbyists. Grab a bat folks and let’s take to the streets and march on K-Street. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can hook up with Romney’s father on K-Street as he marches with us.

Just Say No to Carbon Taxes. Way to go, you know everyone is going to start taxing carbon, just because you told them not to. Now we’ll never win the "War on Carbon Taxes." Cough…cough…cough…

Richardson reminds us again that he’s the only one who has balanced a budget as governor in New Mexico. Whew…I nearly forgot. Thanks, Bill. Which reminds me: Gov. Culver is the only governor who has been in the classroom over the past 20 years.

Now’s your chance to take back something you said in a previous debate:

Hillary…say it Hillary, say it…Drivers licenses for illegal immigrants….”I pass to the pundits…” I can’t wait to see the pundits run this back for a touchdown afterwards. Go Redskins.

Edwards: Sorry about teasing Hillary about her jacket. Liar, liar, pants on fire Johnny E.; that jacket was horrendous. My neighbor's purse dog has a matching sweater. In the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Dog: "That jacket is good enough for me to poop on..."

Stay tuned for the post-pundit spin. Thanks, but no thanks. Just say no to pundits.

“You spin me right round, baby, like a record baby, right round…”

Yawn, I think I’ll follow Obama’s lead and turn it to football.

Robot Heckles Bill Clinton on Behalf of Sister Souljah During Iowa Stop

Not everyone was happy to see Bill Clinton in Iowa City Tuesday night. Just as Clinton was about to hit his stride, an unidentified robot heckled the former president, who was playing the surrogate role while stumping for his wife, Hillary Clinton, at the Iowa Memorial Union on the University of Iowa campus.

Dressed as a contemporary robot reminiscent of Gort in the 1951 film “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (see pic below), the soon-to-be heckler mounted a chair on the media platform as if it was going to snap a picture of Clinton. The chair began to wobble a bit before fellow journalists offered support, not knowing at the time that they were aiding and abetting a future heckler.

Armed with a plastic microphone, the heckler, Mr. Ifobaca (Mad Robots in Favor of Bill Clinton Apologizing), made his demands:

“I want you to apologize to Sister Souljah!”

Trying to maintain his poise, Clinton initially fell into a sophomoric rebuttal: “Look, look into the mirror... ”

Clearly on a premeditated mission, Mr. Ifobaca began throwing dozens of multicolored slips of paper in the air, thus providing Clinton with the opportunity to recapture his wits and respond:

“You need to find a more responsible ways to protest than throwing graffiti around. “You can disagree with me without killing a tree.”

Most of the crowd laughed at Clinton’s quip (not because he said graffiti, when he meant to say confetti), but some were enraged by the disruption and began booing and yelling at Mr. Ifobaca. One woman, clearly a devout Hillraiser gauging by her Hillary flair adorning her blouse and matching jacket, began screaming at Mr. Ifobaca and waving her arms at the robot as if she intended to scratch his eyes out. Mr. Ifobaca, unperturbed by the woman, namely because he was wearing safety goggles for such occasions, was eventually escorted from the platform and ballroom by security.

After Mr. Ifobaca left, a Hillary Clinton team entered the media pit and made a mad scramble for the littered propaganda, making sure all the calling cards were collected before they fell into the wrong hands. The scene was reminiscent of the 1967 Abbie Hoffman stunt in which he and his fellow demonstrators threw fistfuls of dollars (most fake) down to traders on the New York Stock Exchange, some of whom booed, while others scrambled frantically to grab the money as fast as they could.

No charges were pressed against Mr. Ifobaca, who, unmasked, was not Klaatu, but rather Kembrew McLeod -- a tenured professor in the Communication Studies Department at the UI. McLeod, who has published four books on freedom of expression and intellectual property issues, has a documented history of committing pranks on his web site. McLeod is also a documentary filmmaker, including “Money for Nothing: Behind the Business of Pop,” which won the Rosa Luxemburg Award for Social Consciousness at the 2002 New England Film Festival.

McLeod, President of the Iowa Chapter of MR. IFOBCA has been on a mission for the last 15 years in an effort to get Clinton to apologize for “dissing Sister Souljah while happily accepting the honor of being America’s “'first black president,'” as novelist Toni Morrison once put it. In his manifesto, “Why did I bum rush Bill Clinton?,” Kembrew vows to continue sending an army of robots to all future Clinton appearances until he apologizes to Sister Souljah.

Kembrew made do on his vow Monday night, only Clinton did not reciprocate by publicly apologizing to Sister Souljah, the former member of the outspoken hip-hop group Public Enemy, a crew known for its pro-black politics.

Moreover, Kembrew makes the following claim on his manifesto:

The first time I fully realized Bill Clinton was not on the side of racial andsocial justice was after the “Sister Souljah Moment,” as it has come to be known in political circles. In a mean-spirited move—something straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook—Clinton tried to demonize a young Black woman named Sister Souljah by taking something she said out of context. Clinton did this to ingratiate himself with white upper-middle class swing voters during the 1992 presidential campaign, and he portrayed Sister Souljah as a reckless radical who advocated killing white people. This was patently false, and Bill Clinton knew it, but that didn’t stop him from cynically turning her into a sacrificial lamb that helped save his flagging campaign.

With less than a month left before the caucuses, the question remains whether McLeod or one of his robots will pop up on the campaign trail in Iowa.

Mr. Ifobca (alias Kembrew McLeod) is escorted out of the IMU by Clinton staffers, but vows to be back

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Jesus Told Tom Tancredo to Bomb Mecca?

Somebody who feels compelled to publicly announce they’ve found Jesus and made Him his personal savior makes me really nervous, especially if that somebody is a politician running for office. (e.g. George W. Bush)

During the GOP debate in Des Moines this past Sabbath Day, the candidates were asked to confess a defining mistake in their lives and why. Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo stepped up to the plate and swung for the Holy fence.

Tancredo’s Defining Mistake: “It took me 30 years before I realized Jesus Christ is my personal savior.”

Now, I realize that people confess they found Jesus as a means of whiting out any moral ambiguities, indiscretions, and/or mistakes they may have made in the past, but this is not what really scares me. It’s what they do after they publicly announce their new relationship with Jesus Christ in front of a nationally televised audience that sends apocalyptic shivers down my spine.

Tancredo is no exception to this post-I-found-Jesus-and-made-him-my-personal-savior phenomenon. Similar to Bush Jr., I’m fairly certain Tancredo hasn’t read the "Dummy’s Guide to Making Jesus Your Own Personal Savior" from cover to cover.

Better yet, Tancredo may want to revisit (or visit assuming he hasn’t read it) the “Old Testament” before joining a book club with Jesus. So when Tancredo made Jesus his personal savior, was it a two-way street? I’m wondering if Jesus had any say in the matter, but the point is really moot, since Jesus loves and accepts all mankind—yes, even Tancredo.

A spiritual source with Political Fallout did manage to intercept a memo sent from Jesus to Tancredo under the newly adopted FISA guidelines -- which permits the government to intercept messages from any entities outside the United States (i.e. Heaven) that are deemed a threat to American Imperialism and the spread of Democracy.

TO: Rep. Tom Tancredo, R.-Colo.
FROM: Jesus, Savior of Mankind
DATE: 8-6-07
SUBJECT: Personal Savior Status

Dear Tom,

While watching the GOP debate on the day set aside for praising my father and only my father, it came to my attention that you had found Me and made Me your personal savior. Although flattered, I don’t recall making this pact and after combing through my files, I found no record of you finding Me. Maybe you could help out by refreshing my memory and letting me know the precise date I became your personal savior. Hopefully, there’s just been a bureaucratic lapse on our end. You’d be amazed how many things get lost through the bureaucratic cracks up here. I mean, how else do you think Bush got elected not once, but twice?

Another thing, if our records do indicate that you have achieved saved status, I’d suggest you read my biography, “The New Testament,” so I know we’re on the same page. (After all, in this modern age of marketing and product branding, I do have to protect my image and how it’s used.) For example, there’s the bit about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Well, Tom, I really meant those words. They weren’t meant to be taken at a literal level, meaning just love the folks on your street or in your neighborhood. Rather, I was speaking metaphorically and by neighbors, I meant mankind. Comprende, Senor Tancredo?

So, if we’re going to continue our relationship, I want you to promise me that you’ll stop treating your neighbors to the south like sub-humans who are hell bent on coming to your country to destroy your way of life by killing every one in their path. This is no way to treat my dad’s creations. If he gets a whiff of this, there will be hell to pay. Oh, and please stop threatening to blow up Mecca and other holy shrines to serve as a deterrent to war. Trust me, there are other ways to deter war, but I’m sure you’ve familiarized yourself with these teachings when you read my biography.

Like I said, I’ll look into my files for records indicating your saved status. In the meantime, be sure to send us a record of when you found Me, so my staff can update our records up here.

Love Always,

Jesus

P.S. As a gesture for considering Me to be your personal savior, I would like to send you one of my bumper stickers. I’ll send you your choice of the ever-popular “W.W.J.D?,” “What Would Jesus Bomb?” (BTW, I’m being ironic here, Tom: LOL:) or my personal favorite “Look Busy, Jesus is Coming.” Just let me know in your daily prayers, and I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.

Anything but the E-word: a Political Cautionary Tale

Just when you thought it was safe to support a presidential candidate based upon irrational factors such as qualifications, job experience, shared ideologies and values, the E-word reared its divisive little head. No, I’m not talking about evil or exit polls, but something far more dangerous to the electoral psyche: electability. There, I said it, but out of fear of saying it again, thus feeding its power, I will not say it again.

During the 2004 presidential election, the E-word managed to single-handedly destroy Democratic voters and their ability to think for themselves. And now, four years later, the political tables have turned as the E-word has seeped its way into GOP waters. As the second-quarter filing deadline neared last week, U.S. Sen. John McCain’s campaign manager sent out an e-mail soliciting donations from supporters, providing them with one reason to support McCain: "John McCain is the only candidate who can defeat Hillary Clinton.” Campaign manager Terry Nelson helped drive home this fear at the end of the message: “Please also pass this message along to your friends and family to remind them of the stakes in this election.” I assume by stakes he meant Clinton winning the nomination.

I imagine McCain’s rivals might have other ideas about this, not to mention Clinton’s Democratic rivals. Nonetheless, McCain’s stoking of the GOP base’s “Anybody but Hillary” fire is reminiscent of the “Anybody but Bush” mental quagmire that ensnared the Democrats in 2004, which ultimately devoured their chances of winning when they nominated Mr. Electable, John Kerry, who wasn’t so electable after all.

The question is how, when and why did the E-word pop into presidential politics. The short answers are Karl Rove, 2003, and to help get George W. Bush re-elected. I cannot prove that Rove was the mastermind behind injecting the E-word into the Democrats' camp, but it has the makings of a great theory in the mystical realm of political science.

Granted, I don’t have a well-financed think tank to gather selective evidence and conduct polls guaranteed to prove my theory, but I do have a hunch. And the last time I checked, hunches were free, unless they’re espoused by political consultants, who get paid well to be wrong. Just ask Bob Shrum, the Democrats' consultant whose abysmal 0-7 track record has yet to wield a winning presidential candidate, including his latest casualty, John Kerry. Besides, Rove plays a great Wizard of D.C., regardless of what levers he does or does not pull behind the political curtain.

Just before the 2004 Iowa Caucuses, the Democrats had been stricken with fear and had already succumbed to the “Anybody but Bush” mentality. The E-word consumed all of the other issues as the Democrats faced an identity crisis. Consequently, a number of Iowans went to the caucuses and voted for Kerry, despite the fact he was not their number one choice. I lost count of the number of times I heard voter say to me, “I really want ‘your preferred candidate here’ to win, but I think John Kerry has the best chance of beating Bush.” (Rove’s sinister laugh here as he pulls the E-word lever down.)

After caucus night, I put my hypothesis to the test when I attended to the 2nd District Democratic convention in southern Iowa. Throughout the day, I asked as many Kerry delegates as I could to give me three reasons why they or I should vote for Kerry. Most of Kerry’s supporters responded like robots, as if they had been transformed into a Rovian Stepford Voter: “Must beat Bush…Must beat Bush.” Any signs of reason had been replaced by vacant stares. It was at this point I knew there was something more to the E-word.

Regardless of the E-word’s origins, the fact remains that it did become an integral part of the voter psyche, handicapping Democrats as they raced to the middle and tried to go toe-to-toe with Republicans on their own turf. Instead of focusing on why their nominee should win the presidency, the Democrats’ strategy was to focus on why the GOP nominee should not win.

And now, with less than six months remaining until the Iowa Caucuses, the E-word has manifested in the GOP who, like the Democrats in ’04, are facing an identity crisis as they search for a candidate. Without a clear Democratic nominee, the Republican Party is shoring up its base by setting its sights on defeating the presumed front-runner, Clinton. Democrats aren’t immune to this as presidential hopefuls gear up for winning the party nomination. John Edwards, an E-word casualty in ’04, has already dropped the E-word in Iowa, proclaiming he is the best candidate positioned to win swing states and the general election.

The best way to eradicate the E-word from public political discourse is for voters to stop listening to the exterior voices and to pay attention to the voices inside their own heads. Granted, this is no easy task when the media keep perpetuating the presidential horse race with a bullhorn and pundits handicap the candidates, prognosticating like college football analysts.

In a society that usually champions underdogs, we’re quick to dismiss second- and third-tier presidential candidates, and are willing to sacrifice idealism for pragmatism. But who knows, maybe one day the Stepford Voters will be reprogrammed to think and speak for themselves: “Must vote conscience…Must vote conscience.”

Until then, I think I’ll adopt the “Anybody but me” mindset to help me decide whom I’ll vote for on the night of the Iowa Caucuses.

Originally posted on "Iowa Independent"

Billary Tuesday: Two Clintons for the Price of One

Growing up within walking distance of a Taco Johns “restaurant” was dangerous for more than the obvious reasons. Nicknamed “Toxic Juans,” me and my high school chums made a “runs for the border” every Tuesday to celebrate Taco Tuesday. Why only Tuesday? That was the only day I could afford to eat there on my daily food allowance. (Note: ice water was free.) Taco Tuesday has become a mainstay of Midwest Americana, so much so that the two-word phrase has been trademarked by Taco Johns.

The lean, mean Democratic Leadership Corporation branding machine begins branding the Clinton name in Iowa

Good thing, for it looks like the Clintons have begun tapping into the product branding foundation built up by President Bill Clinton in the ‘90s. Hillary Just Hillary started branding Hillary at the beginning of her campaign, but it was only a matter of time before the political branding and marketing efforts merged together.

Nonetheless, the Clinton’s product placement of Bill in Iowa this week should help solidify the merger for retail political consumers. The key for Hillary Just Hillary, as in any other marketing campaign, is to make sure that Bill’s branding doesn’t consume Hillary. This would be the equivalent of the Donkey Just Donkey in Shrek overshadowing Shrek’s ubiquitous green ogre image in consumer land. Only in the Clinton’s case, the opposite holds true, for Bill is Shrek -- so Hillary Just Hillary better be careful when it comes to branding the Clinton name. Like Taco Johns, political consumers may not be so willing to digest both Clintons come Caucus Day in Iowa.

“If You Exempt It, They Will Come…”

WANTED: Hollywood Filmmakers to Shoot Your Film HERE

The VOICE from the Iowa cornfields whispered into our collective ears: “If you exempt it, they will come.”

And the prophecy caught a gust of wind and blew beyond Iowa’s borders, eventually resonating in the corporate enterprises, who found the answers blowing in the wind. En masse, they descended upon Iowa, seeking profits to fatten their underbellies.

And along came the corporate hog-farm producers, Wells Fargo and their posse of predatory lenders, Wal-Mart, riverboat and nonriver-boat Casinos, and others who found the answer blowing in the wind before descending upon the field of opportunities.

“Is this a Haven?”

“No, it’s Iowa.”

Welcome to Iowa: A Field of Economic Opportunities

And now Iowa has opened up the pearly gates of its tax haven away from haven to Hollywood filmmakers by providing them with a tax emption (25%) to shoot their films in Iowa. The only two catches to this tax break is that filmmakers have to drop at least $100,000 in Iowa, and they’re not shooting anything “obscene” (a euphemism for porno flick). Knowing the Adult Film Industry hasn’t shot a big-budget pornographic film since they were teenagers secretly watching their parents’ collection of big-budget porno films, lawmakers figured $100,000 would serve as a good deterrent and would help promote their scientifically-researched abstinence-laden “Safe-Filming” education policy.

According to proponents of the new bill, the tax exemption for filmmakers will help feed the tourist industry as onlookers spend money during the filming and at gift shops erected upon the film site after the shooting. Opponents of the bill fear the exemption will tap into Iowa’s leading tourist industry: The Presidential Caucus and Campaigning Tourist Industry. There should be plenty of greasy elbow room for both, and better yet, the presidential hopefuls should exploit this new tax loophole by filming their campaign in Iowa, so they can right off 25% of their expenses.

Political Fallout’s Working-Title Productions

The following are working titles of films about the current field of presidential hopefuls who are planning on spending a lot of face time in Iowa. See if you can match the presidential candidate with the respective title:

1. Diva Las Vegas!

2. The Burnt Bridges of Christian Conservative County

3. Dennis the Menace Strikes Again and Again

4. The Rabbit Hunter

5. Fields of Dreaming Illegal Immigrants

6. A Mill Worker’s Son

7. The First Wives Club III

8. An Inconvenient Truth II

9. The Last Temptation of Newt Gingrich

Answers: 9. Newt Gingrich, 8. Al Gore, 7. Rudy Giuliani, 6. John Edwards, 5. Tom Tancredo, 4. Mitt Romney, 3. Dennis Kucinich, 2. John McCain, 1. Hillary Clinton

’08 Caucuses: Drafting Britney Violates “Separation of Politics and the Arts”

In the culture of fear-driven politics, it appears Iowa is afraid of losing its first-in-the-nation status. But hold on folks…

Have no fear, the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau is here!

The bureau’s film commission wants to mix politics with entertainment, which, by the way, is a direct violation of the unwritten clause of the Constitution which calls for the “separation of Politics and the Arts.” Both parties have already been pushing the limitations of this unwritten statute with their National political conventions -- glorified Infomercials filled with political speakers who’ve mastered the glazed-over Infomercial look that tells viewers “if you buy this product, you too will be perpetually stoned.”

The aim of the bureau is to spark nationwide appreciation and understanding of the presidential-nomination process. Organizers have already added Britney Spears and Lee Greenwood to their wish list to help communicate these objectives. So when Britney Spears breaks into a tawdry rendition of “Toxic” and belts:

There’s no escape/ I can’t hide /I need a hit/Baby, give me it /You’re dangerous/I’m lovin’ it …

People ignorant of politics and the caucus process will have a full understanding of not only how precinct delegates are chosen but what their specific duties and responsibilities will entail at the county level.

But again, the film commission is walking the fine line separating politics and the arts, claiming in their press release, “politics will be left at the door, but the window will be open to positive political satire.” Hmmmm…positive political satire, eh? This pretty much puts the kibosh on Stephen Corbert and pretty much any other satirist/comedian except Iowa’s very own Tom Arnold. (Anybody else smell a conspiracy theory here? First hosting Culver’s inaugural festivities in Iowa City, and now…)

(Disclaimer: The following attempt at political satire is meant to be taken in a positive light. The reader is solely responsible for anything that may be construed as negative and should read at their own risk.)

In lieu of a celebratory love fest, we should treat the presidential hopefuls as up-and-coming celebrities by hosting a political rendition of “American Idle.” Using the similar format to the ever-popular, “American Idol,” the hopefuls will perform a series of political acts such as an extemporaneous speaking game of “But I Don’t Have the Poll Numbers in Front of Me,” followed by an improvisation round of “Whose Democracy Is It Anyway?,” and then the final round when contestants get a chance to showcase their unique talents in “Stupid Politician Tricks.”

For all of you political paparazzis out there who hope the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau gets their wish, so you can snap a glimpse of Britney’s panty-less crotch, this should help appease you for now:
Don’t hold your breath too long; Political Fallout was able to contact Britney at home via telephone earlier today:

PF: What is your opinion about Iowa's Caucuses?

Britney: (long pause, babies crying in the background) I don’t know. I’ve never had one before. (hangs up)

Although if the gig does fall through, be sure to keep your cameras loaded; there’s always Hillary: