Iowa’s Culture War: And the God-Fearing Homophobes Will Rise Again?

Upon the heels of Easter weekend and the celebration of the resurrection of God’s only child, Jesus Christ, the Religious Right (alias GOP) grabbed their pitchforks and stormed the Iowa State Capitol Monday demanding that the Democratic majority put forward a bill that would change the Iowa Constitution by redefining marriage “between a man and a woman.”

This begs the question: W.W.J.D.?

Despite His pledge to help the down trodden, me thinks Jesus, unlike the GOP*, would run away from the oxymoronic Religious Right.

*You know it’s hard out there for the minority.

Moreover, recent GOP actions beg the question:

Which one of the following poses the least threat to Iowans?:

A) GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Putz vowing, if elected, will use his executive powers to help erode the Iowa Constitution and take over the judicial branch (sinister, Howdy Doody laugh here)

B) God-fearing Christians sending threatening, vindictive, “Your-gonna-burn-in-hell” e-mails to state Dem legislators

C) A man of the cloth espousing the fear-mongering notion that gay marriage is worse than floods, because it “erodes the soul” and “destroys generations”

D) Anonymous caller who makes death threats towards openly gay Sen. Matt McCoy, D-Des Moines

E) Two same-sex people who love each other and want to make a lifetime commitment to one another

Traditionally, this would be a no-brainer, but we all know the potential harm of blindly sticking to tradition, eh? So I will spell the answer out for you: E.

Now it’s bad enough we have our own homegrown, cornfed zealots to worry about without the Christian Right rounding up the Usual Suspects and shipping them off to Iowa to spew their vitriolic venomous messages of hate. Although Rev. Fred Phelps and his rabid, inbred clan of Homo-Haters have yet to load up their wagons, literally, and head to Iowa, the National Organization for Marriage launched a pre-emptive propaganda attack with a $1.5 million ad campaign intended to promote fear through scripted testimonials of how gay marriage destroyed these peoples’ fragile lives:

National Organization for Marriage’s “Gathering Storm” (This is a Dramatization*)




*On her show the other night, Rachel Maddow took on the ad’s legitimacy by showing bootleg audition tapes somehow procured by the Human Rights Campaign. The video shows straight people auditioning to play straight people whose “straightness” has been threatened by gay marriage.

The Rachel Maddow Show (clips begins at 2:07 minute mark)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

As of today this video was pulled from YouTube, because the NOM folks said it was a copyright infringement.

So let me get this straight, using a syllogism if you will:

The National Organization for Marriage fears Rachel Maddow.
The National Organization for Marriage is God-fearing.
Rachel Maddow is God.

I knew it! I knew all along that God is a lesbian woman.

Thank Rachel for that!

But the laugh last is still on NOM, who really didn’t think through their anti-gay marriage campaign beyond the fear-mongering and bigotry components. NOM dubbed its campaign “2 Million for Marriage.” Or the acronym: 2M4M (translation for the Acronym Challenged: Two Men for Men). Where do they get off promoting such behavior?

To add insult to ignorance, some civil rights group, “Two Men for Marriage,” bought up their domain, “2m4m.org”

What can I say when this satire literally writes itself. I’m looking forward to more satiric servings from NOM, so BRING IT ON!!! (My team of hot-shot lawyers is waiting with open arms...)

Jesus Told Tom Tancredo to Bomb Mecca?

Somebody who feels compelled to publicly announce they’ve found Jesus and made Him his personal savior makes me really nervous, especially if that somebody is a politician running for office. (e.g. George W. Bush)

During the GOP debate in Des Moines this past Sabbath Day, the candidates were asked to confess a defining mistake in their lives and why. Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo stepped up to the plate and swung for the Holy fence.

Tancredo’s Defining Mistake: “It took me 30 years before I realized Jesus Christ is my personal savior.”

Now, I realize that people confess they found Jesus as a means of whiting out any moral ambiguities, indiscretions, and/or mistakes they may have made in the past, but this is not what really scares me. It’s what they do after they publicly announce their new relationship with Jesus Christ in front of a nationally televised audience that sends apocalyptic shivers down my spine.

Tancredo is no exception to this post-I-found-Jesus-and-made-him-my-personal-savior phenomenon. Similar to Bush Jr., I’m fairly certain Tancredo hasn’t read the "Dummy’s Guide to Making Jesus Your Own Personal Savior" from cover to cover.

Better yet, Tancredo may want to revisit (or visit assuming he hasn’t read it) the “Old Testament” before joining a book club with Jesus. So when Tancredo made Jesus his personal savior, was it a two-way street? I’m wondering if Jesus had any say in the matter, but the point is really moot, since Jesus loves and accepts all mankind—yes, even Tancredo.

A spiritual source with Political Fallout did manage to intercept a memo sent from Jesus to Tancredo under the newly adopted FISA guidelines -- which permits the government to intercept messages from any entities outside the United States (i.e. Heaven) that are deemed a threat to American Imperialism and the spread of Democracy.

TO: Rep. Tom Tancredo, R.-Colo.
FROM: Jesus, Savior of Mankind
DATE: 8-6-07
SUBJECT: Personal Savior Status

Dear Tom,

While watching the GOP debate on the day set aside for praising my father and only my father, it came to my attention that you had found Me and made Me your personal savior. Although flattered, I don’t recall making this pact and after combing through my files, I found no record of you finding Me. Maybe you could help out by refreshing my memory and letting me know the precise date I became your personal savior. Hopefully, there’s just been a bureaucratic lapse on our end. You’d be amazed how many things get lost through the bureaucratic cracks up here. I mean, how else do you think Bush got elected not once, but twice?

Another thing, if our records do indicate that you have achieved saved status, I’d suggest you read my biography, “The New Testament,” so I know we’re on the same page. (After all, in this modern age of marketing and product branding, I do have to protect my image and how it’s used.) For example, there’s the bit about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Well, Tom, I really meant those words. They weren’t meant to be taken at a literal level, meaning just love the folks on your street or in your neighborhood. Rather, I was speaking metaphorically and by neighbors, I meant mankind. Comprende, Senor Tancredo?

So, if we’re going to continue our relationship, I want you to promise me that you’ll stop treating your neighbors to the south like sub-humans who are hell bent on coming to your country to destroy your way of life by killing every one in their path. This is no way to treat my dad’s creations. If he gets a whiff of this, there will be hell to pay. Oh, and please stop threatening to blow up Mecca and other holy shrines to serve as a deterrent to war. Trust me, there are other ways to deter war, but I’m sure you’ve familiarized yourself with these teachings when you read my biography.

Like I said, I’ll look into my files for records indicating your saved status. In the meantime, be sure to send us a record of when you found Me, so my staff can update our records up here.

Love Always,

Jesus

P.S. As a gesture for considering Me to be your personal savior, I would like to send you one of my bumper stickers. I’ll send you your choice of the ever-popular “W.W.J.D?,” “What Would Jesus Bomb?” (BTW, I’m being ironic here, Tom: LOL:) or my personal favorite “Look Busy, Jesus is Coming.” Just let me know in your daily prayers, and I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.

Jesus H. Clinton Parts Red and Blue Sea

Last night, during a forum on faith and politics, Hillary Just Hillary came down from the political polls and performed an act of divine intervention by parting the Red and Blue Sea. Hillary Just Hillary’s audience, primarily comprised of religious leaders, was shocked and awed by Her polarizing move. In the wake of the ceremonial parting, members of the newly formed Red and Blue seas, in honor of Jim Wallis’s “God’s Politics,” were respectively labeled the “Why We Get It Wrong Lil’ Red Guppies,” and “Why We Just Don’t Get It ‘Lil Blue Minnows.”

Hillary Just Hillary first introduced her trademarked Jesus-like pose a few months back when she descended upon Iowans while campaigning at a Mega-Townhall meeting in Des Moines (see below), where she attempted to convert Democrat activists into DLC (Democratic Leadership Corporation) believers.

After Hillary Just Hillary left the auditorium last night, it was reported that the ‘Lil Red Guppies and Blue Minnows” were arguing over which fish group would be the next prototype for the Hillary Just Hillary Fish bumper insignia.

Read more about the forum at "Iowa Independent": Faith and Politics: Presidential Candidates Tackle the Tough Questions in CNN Forum

Ruminations on Easter, Jesus, and Political Resurrection (Part II)

Jesus Under Attack (Part 2 of 3-part Trilogy)

While most Americans take time out on Easter Sunday to spend time with their families, attend church services, or participate in the pagan ritual of hunting for dyed eggs, Political Fallout would like to take time and pay tribute to the men and women of the armed forces, who have been sent over to Iraq as part of President Bush’s personal Crusade to spread Christianity in the guise of Democracy.

May Peace be with you, and may you return home swiftly and safely.

Speaking of home, President Bush returned home to his 1,600-acre sanctuary away from sin in Crawford Texas, where he has spent part or all of 409 days of his presidency. This is as many days as a typical tour of duty in Iraq, not including tour extensions and those serving their second, third, or fourth tour.

Shame, shame, King George. You may call yourself a born-again Christian of the evangelical sect, but I’m quite certain your Savior would not approve.

On the lighter side, Stan and Kyle finally learn the true story behind Easter and the Easter Bunny:




End Part II…

Ruminations on Easter, Jesus, and Political Resurrection (Part I)

The Crucifixion (Part 1 of 3-part Trilogy)

I confess, today was the first time I’ve been to a Christian church service (excluding funerals) in a few years. I have cultivated a strong resistance of joining anything that smacks of collective thought. I’ve quit and rejoined the Democratic Party enough times since the year 2000 that I’m on a first-name basis with the county registrar. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m a big fan of Jesus and the beliefs He espouses; I’m just not into the organized religion aspects of Christianity. Mark Twain said it best: “If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be--a Christian.”

In fact, one of my most prized presents this past Christmas, other than my hard-soul slippers, is my Jesus Action Figure (with poseable arms & gliding action). When I see Jesus looking at me with his outstretched plastic arms, I’m reminded of what draws me to progressive politics. Better yet, because Jesus is indeed an action figure, I’m also reminded that His words were meant to inspire action, not apathy. When I hear people and politicians distort Jesus’ message, my Irony Radar kicks into overdrive, and I feel compelled to take action and expose these ironies and hypocrisies through my satiric lens.

Last night, on the Eve of Jesus’ Resurrection, I watched “Jesus Camp,” a documentary film about the “Kids on Fire School of Ministry,” a charismatic Christian summer camp located just outside Devils Lake, North Dakota. (Irony Radar Bleep: Did anyone else catch the irony of a Jesus camp setting up shop by Devils Lake?) The indoctrination camp is run by Becky Fischer and her ministry, Kids in Ministry International. The film focuses on three kids from Lee’s Summit, Missouri, as they prepare for and attend the Jesus Camp. While watching the film, not only was I disturbed by the indoctrination process of these kids, but I couldn’t help but think they were being mentally or spiritually abused. Why Becky allowed cameras to capture this on film is beyond me. Blinded by her own religious fervor, she must have thought this film would help spread her message and serve as a tool for recruiting Jesus’ foot soldiers. Ironically, the film’s release and public outcry (especially from the locals) forced Becky to close up shop and suspend the camp indefinitely.

I was intrigued by the corporate influence in the Jesus Camp, which ranged from one of the main three kids wearing a Jesus t-shirt parodying Reeces, to Becky dousing bottled Nestle water on the kids as they balled their eyes out while publicly repenting their sins. This was a little different take on the baptismal I had imagined (which is more like the baptismal scene in the movie “O’ Brother Where Art Thou?”) Just before the children had arrived for the first indoctrination ceremony, Becky and her staff warded off the Devil, making sure he wouldn't come and undo her computer and PowerPoint presentation. The PowerPoint went off without a hitch, so I imagine the Devil had other mischief to tend to in the world. As children began spilling in, the staff ramped it up with some thumping Jesus music. “J.C.’s in the House” and “Kickin’ It for Jesus” had the kids gyrating their hips to the Devil’s rhythm and beat in no time.

Towards the end of the film, Becky Fischer contends that her mission is nonpolitical. This was a stark contrast to the George W. Bush cardboard cutout scene, where all the kids were told to touch his two-dimensional façade, collectively blessing him as if he possessed some sort of spiritual healing powers. When considering Bush’s one-dimensional view, this heavy-petting scene merely served as yet another exaggeration on behalf of the charismatics.



End Part I…

OBAMA is Bigger Than Jesus

Before you get whipped up into a zealot-induced frenzy, run to the nearest book store, and purchase copies of Barack Obama’s last bestselling book, “The Audacity of Hope” – only to burn it publicly or watch your local radio DJ repeatedly run copies over with a steamroller -- let me clarify something for you, dear Reader. OBAMA is bigger than Jesus on My Space, not Our Space. Although, given Obama’s phenomenal rise of late, one could argue that he is giving the Savior a run for his money – at least in the world of politics.

So how would Jesus stack up against Obama in the ’08 Presidential Race?

Political Heavyweight Tale of the Tape

My Space Race





OBAMA: 42,704+

Jesus: 19,774+

Advantage: OBAMA

2. Age

Obama: 45

Jesus: 33

Advantage: None (Really an unfair advantage, given Jesus is not old enough to run for the highest seat in American politics, not to mention we don’t know what wisdom Jesus gained during his “lost years.” Oh, the bureaucracy of it all.)

3. Weight

Obama: The hopes of American voters who sense we can transcend the barriers of cynicism erected by the current status quo of “politics as usual.”

Jesus: The sins of all Man.

Advantage: OBAMA (Duh, hope floats.)

4. Reach:

Obama: Although Barack has been blessed with long, lanky arms, his message has just begun to reach out and extend to Americans and the global community. Although, keep an eye out for his political right jab.

Jesus: Has already built a solid political base, his message reaching out and resonating with key activists for over 2000 years. Not to mention, Jesus is well organized on the ground and has thousands of branch offices across the United States.

Advantage: Jesus (A 2000+ year head start is too big an obstacle to overcome in a single year.)

5. Political Experience

Obama: Despite his limited experience in political office (8 years in the Illinois Senate and just over one year in the U.S. Senate), Obama has been using this as a political asset, painting himself as a Washington D.C. outsider – especially his stance against the war in Iraq. Obama says he has enough experience in D.C. to know that the system needs fixing, if not a serious overhaul.

Jesus: Not only is Jesus the quintessential anti-war candidate, but his 2000+ year record as a political dissident speaks volumes (i.e. “The New Testament”). Jesus was persecuted for standing up against the Roman and Jewish authorities in favor of an alternate political view and social order that's more representative of the people.

Advantage: Jesus (Even though Obama gets bonus points via Alan Keye’s 2004 campaign pronouncement that “Christ would not vote for Obama,” he cannot overcome Jesus’ political dissident track record, thus giving the nod to Jesus.)

6. Foreign Policy Experience

Obama: Often times dogged for his supposed lack of foreign policy experience, Obama has actually lived abroad during his formative years -- unlike other political offiiclas who claim to have foreign experience, because they’ve talked extensively about it or flown over third-world countries in a helicopter.)

Jesus: Because of his “lost years,” it’s hard to gauge just how much Jesus learned abroad, but given the means of transportation (not including the ability to walk on water) and communication during his day, it’s safe to say Jesus didn’t wander too far from home.

Advantage: OBAMA

7. Gospels/Message

Obama: “Audacity of Hope” is currently #1 on the N.Y. Times Bestseller List (non-fiction) and #10 for all books purchased on Amazon.com.

Jesus: “The New Testament” – the highest ranked edition falls in at 92,925 on the Amazon rankings list for all books.

Advantage: OBAMA (Granted, more copies of “The New Testament” have been sold worldwide and it’s one of the highest ranking all-time bestsellers in America, but this doesn’t cut if for the next year of the political cycle. Besides, a lot of New-Testament-toting voters have only read selected parts and tend to forget all the Jesus parts when they're blinded by wedge issues.)

8. Rock-Star Status

Obama: The indisputable “King of Rock ‘n' Politics.” Obama draws nearly 3000+ fans at every mega-townhall campaign stop, drawing in record crowds and spawning new Facebook sites all over the virtual world.

Jesus: Closest ascent to contemporary rock infamy is the Broadway musical production of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

Advantage: OBAMA

The ‘Fallout’s political tale of the tape gives Obama a 4-3 advantage over Jesus if the two were pitted against one another in the ’08 presidential election. So in this context, OBAMA is bigger than Jesus.

Gentlemen, start your steamrollers…