Iowa’s Culture War: And the God-Fearing Homophobes Will Rise Again?

Upon the heels of Easter weekend and the celebration of the resurrection of God’s only child, Jesus Christ, the Religious Right (alias GOP) grabbed their pitchforks and stormed the Iowa State Capitol Monday demanding that the Democratic majority put forward a bill that would change the Iowa Constitution by redefining marriage “between a man and a woman.”

This begs the question: W.W.J.D.?

Despite His pledge to help the down trodden, me thinks Jesus, unlike the GOP*, would run away from the oxymoronic Religious Right.

*You know it’s hard out there for the minority.

Moreover, recent GOP actions beg the question:

Which one of the following poses the least threat to Iowans?:

A) GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Putz vowing, if elected, will use his executive powers to help erode the Iowa Constitution and take over the judicial branch (sinister, Howdy Doody laugh here)

B) God-fearing Christians sending threatening, vindictive, “Your-gonna-burn-in-hell” e-mails to state Dem legislators

C) A man of the cloth espousing the fear-mongering notion that gay marriage is worse than floods, because it “erodes the soul” and “destroys generations”

D) Anonymous caller who makes death threats towards openly gay Sen. Matt McCoy, D-Des Moines

E) Two same-sex people who love each other and want to make a lifetime commitment to one another

Traditionally, this would be a no-brainer, but we all know the potential harm of blindly sticking to tradition, eh? So I will spell the answer out for you: E.

Now it’s bad enough we have our own homegrown, cornfed zealots to worry about without the Christian Right rounding up the Usual Suspects and shipping them off to Iowa to spew their vitriolic venomous messages of hate. Although Rev. Fred Phelps and his rabid, inbred clan of Homo-Haters have yet to load up their wagons, literally, and head to Iowa, the National Organization for Marriage launched a pre-emptive propaganda attack with a $1.5 million ad campaign intended to promote fear through scripted testimonials of how gay marriage destroyed these peoples’ fragile lives:

National Organization for Marriage’s “Gathering Storm” (This is a Dramatization*)




*On her show the other night, Rachel Maddow took on the ad’s legitimacy by showing bootleg audition tapes somehow procured by the Human Rights Campaign. The video shows straight people auditioning to play straight people whose “straightness” has been threatened by gay marriage.

The Rachel Maddow Show (clips begins at 2:07 minute mark)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

As of today this video was pulled from YouTube, because the NOM folks said it was a copyright infringement.

So let me get this straight, using a syllogism if you will:

The National Organization for Marriage fears Rachel Maddow.
The National Organization for Marriage is God-fearing.
Rachel Maddow is God.

I knew it! I knew all along that God is a lesbian woman.

Thank Rachel for that!

But the laugh last is still on NOM, who really didn’t think through their anti-gay marriage campaign beyond the fear-mongering and bigotry components. NOM dubbed its campaign “2 Million for Marriage.” Or the acronym: 2M4M (translation for the Acronym Challenged: Two Men for Men). Where do they get off promoting such behavior?

To add insult to ignorance, some civil rights group, “Two Men for Marriage,” bought up their domain, “2m4m.org”

What can I say when this satire literally writes itself. I’m looking forward to more satiric servings from NOM, so BRING IT ON!!! (My team of hot-shot lawyers is waiting with open arms...)

Pimpin’ Pollack Painting: A Modest Proposal for Sen. McCoy

Once again, Iowa Lawmakers are toying with the idea of prostituting Jackson Pollack’s “Mural” painting in exchange for cash to help pay for damages incurred by last summer’s flood on the University of Iowa campus. Sen. Matt McCoy, the new Fine Arts Pimp on the Block, proposed selling the painting “to help students mired in the state’s economic crisis.”

The Real McCoy: "Pssssst. Hey, buddy. Looking for some company? How 'bout a wall-sized Jackson Pollack painting to keep you comapny for the next hour?"

Beside the fact that proceeds from such a sale can only be used to buy more art and not directly help struggling students and recent college graduates, McCoy’s rationale for pimpin’ da Pollack painting drips with logical fallacies:

“If the college believes that owning up to a $200 million painting is more important than keeping tuition low they’ll continue to retain it,” McCoy said. “If they decide keeping tuition low and helping students find a job in the toughest economic downturn since the great Depression is more important, then sell it.”

Can you say ‘appeal to pity’ and ‘if…then’ fallacy? I knew you could.

Using this same logic, one could just as easily insert the following, replacing Pollack’s paining, to get the desired effect:

1. Des Moines Art Museum (completely furnished of course)

2. The South Side of Des Moines (sell off, including McCoy’s crib, and make own profitable municipality)

3. Terrace Hill Mansion (completely furnished as well; Culver family extra)

4. The State Capital Building and grounds (Do they really need all that room to get nothing done?)

5. The Golden Dome atop the State Capital Building

6. Western half of Iowa (sell to Nebraska; no extra charge for Rep. Steve King)

Of course, if we really cared about our college students and their futures, all of these items should be on the table.

Moreover, if Sen. McCoy is genuinely concerned about their economic woes and would like to jumpstart the sacrificing process, I propose he throw in his first-born child to sweeten the pot, hence:

A MODEST PROPOSAL

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IOWA FROM BEING A BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR THE STATE, AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO THE PUBLIC

IT IS a melancholy object to those who walk through Iowa City when they see the streets littered with college students, who spent the rest of their tuition money on another all-night Thirsty Thursday booze binge. But not all college students and recently graduating students, who are currently frictionally unemployed, are to blame for the skyrocketing tuition costs exacerbated by the current economic downturn and last year’s deluge in Iowa City. These students, instead of being able to attend college or find gainful employment to ensure an honest livelihood are forced to employ all their time begging for coin to fund their binges.

To end this scourge on society, I propose a top-down economic solution, wherein the top financial rung of society, including all lawmakers, sacrifice their first-born child, which will be auctioned off to the public to the highest bidder. Proceeds from these sales will be used to replenish state coffers and funding mechanisms directly used to finance the education of all prospective college students in the state of Iowa, thus alleviating the burden to parents and lawmakers, the latter of which lack imagination and/or foresight.

Disclaimer: In no way does Political Fallout endorse human trafficking and/or the decapitation of golden domes. The proposal, albeit modest, should hopefully serve as a mere deterrent to future proposed prostitutions of the fine arts. After all, it worked in the film, “Blues Brothers,” when Jake, who on a mission from God, crashed a fellow band members fine-dining establishments and used similar implicit threats to convince a him to join the band.

God's Minions: Elwood & Jake

Jake to father at nearby table: “How much for the little girl? How much for the women? Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.”