48 Hours: “The Heat is ON” for VOICE

Are my eyes deceiving me, or did House Speaker Pat Murphy just stick a banana in the tailpipe of the 'Clean Elections' bill?"

With less than 48 hours left in this year’s Iowa legislative session, there’s no time to look back, especially with regard to the fate of VOICE (Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections). By the way, how come you never hear anyone complaining about lawmakers having summers, falls and half of springs off? But I digress --unless you answered this rhetorical conundrum: “So they can raise barrels of money for the next election.”

Despite the heat from activists or what Yepsen calls “L*beral H*otheads,” the bill (HSB 105) has been sitting on a House Appropriations subcommittee backburner for weeks.

It’s time to turn up the heat and make one final push to keep VOICE from suffering a tragic and untimely "Death by Committee." The Horror! The Horror!

Speaking of which, let’s take time for yet another mini-round of…

“Deconstructing Yepsen: Tales from the Intellectually Lazy”


In Yepsen’s latest diatribe, “Get more from Legislature: Sell ideas to people first,” Yepsen comes down from the burning political bush (stoked with old clippings of his previous columns I’m sure) and attempts to impart some words-of-wisdom to Iowa Lawmakers – before they depart for home.


1. VOICE: Who’s selling what and to whom?

Yepsen: "There are a lot (of*) things this Legislature could have done to make Iowa a better place. They didn't do them. Why? The answer is the people of Iowa weren't sold. The gestation period for good ideas in this state is often several years. Groups that take their case to the people often have more success than those that don't."

*added by Political Fallout editor

Lazy Intellectual Response: The problem with VOICE is that lawmakers, especially leaders on both sides of the aisle, had already been bought, so they weren’t in the market for buying VOICE. Had VOICE been marketed by the Democrat leaders, especially in the House where it’s been shelved indefinitely, this bill would be on Governor Culver’s desk, awaiting his landmark signature. Regarding the gestation period for good ideas, Yepsen’s clearly projecting; your readership is still waiting, David. Any day now…

2. VOICE: A Cautionary Tale

Yepsen: "Lesson: If you can mobilize public opinion for an issue or cause, the hearts and minds of legislators will follow - or you'll be in a better position to get new legislators."

Lazy Intellectual Response: Agree. Although, Yepsen left out "pocketbook" (the hearts, minds, and pocketbooks…). Should VOICE fail to even make it to the floor for a debate and vote, it will come back to haunt some legislators. This is precisely why it hasn’t made it to the floor: Who wants to be on record for having voted against “Clean Elections,” eh?

3. The Peoples’ Purchasing Power?

Yepsen: "The lesson for those trying to get the Legislature to do something is simple: Sell the voters first."

Lazy Intellectual Response: Without VOICE, it’s a Buyer’s Market for legislators, not the other way around. It's time for Iowa Voters to flip the equation.

4. The debate about debates

Yepsen: "Other issues in Iowa lend themselves to a few years of debate. Iowa's income, sales and property tax systems need overhaul. Each year, lawmakers tweak here and there, but comprehensive change seems elusive. The same is true for local control of hog lots, or using public dollars to pay for political campaigns or tax breaks for rainforests."

Lazy Intellectual Response: But how can a debate occur if the issues are held in captivity by Senate and House leaders? Not to mention, Pam Jochum has introduced a public campaign funding bill every year for over 10 years, so when does it merit a debate? Besides, preserving logic and Democracy is not like preserving fine wine, but rather, only serves to erode both of them, eh David?

5. "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." ~Mark Twain

Yepsen: "While there were many disappointments and shortcomings to this session, there's time over the summer and fall to correct some of them. Democratic lawmakers should use these months between adjournment and the start of next January's session for an aggressive series of interim studies on a host of issues facing Iowa. Do the research. Hear from the experts. Draft well constructed bills."

Lazy Intellectual Responder: That goes double for political pundits writing for major corporate newspaper outlets. The beauty of being a lazy intellectual is not having to do the research, or at least being held accountable by shareholders, or worse, special interests’ contributors. By the way, VOICE is a well constructed bill and has been successful in states with smaller gestation periods (e.g. Maine & Arizona).

Note to House Speaker Pat Murphy: It's not too late to pull the banana out...

Every Day is Earth Day, eh?

Many moons ago, local Iowa City band, Dagobah (formerly Captain Barney), hit the biodegradable nail on the head with their song, “Every Day is Earth Day.” Unfortunately, the prospect of acting as Mother Earth’s steward 365 days a year was too daunting a task for most Americans, so in 1970, on the 22nd day of April, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin created Earth Day. After witnessing an oil spill off the cost of Santa Barbara in 1969, Nelson was inspired to make his Earth Day declaration, which has grown to be the largest secular holiday in the world, although remains a distant second to the secular Christmas holiday celebrated in the United States.

Like Hallmark, the creators of Valentines Day who set aside one day of the year when people can think about love and what it symbolizes (greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and teddy bears with hearts embroidered on their chests), Nelson wanted to earmark one day each year when people could think about the plight of Mother Earth and what it symbolizes (your environmental platitude here).

Similarly, politicians take their environmental cues on Earth Day by trading in their suits for a pair of crisp Carhart jeans, a pair of working boots, and a long-sleeved work shirt (usually rolled up to mid-forearm to indicate that they’re willing to get their hands dirty, but not too dirty, for they have to go back to the office tomorrow morning and spend the next 364 days ignoring environmental issues).

Speaking of ignoring the environment, it looks like Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly has pretty much swept most of the major environmental reforms underneath Mother Earth’s rug, either completely ignoring them or killing them off in committee. Despite overwhelming public support for CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), the Trifectaphobic Democrat Majority appears determined to kill this bill, taking their cues from Culver’s newly overhauled Agribusiness Protection Committee. The only major environmentally-related bill still on the table is Governor Culver’s highly touted $100 million Power Fund. Although, given the amount of money raised for Iowa offices in last year’s elections and the descriptor “power,” it’s hard to tell if Culver’s talking about campaign or renewable energy funds.

But we cannot sit around and wait for politicians to take action to protect Mother Earth’s borders; we must take it upon ourselves to ensure Her safety.

Political Fallout’s Things YOU Can Do to Help Protect Mother Earth’s Borders:

1. Whenever somebody tells you Global Warming is a hoax, open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray it in their eyes and say, “How does that feel? You think Mother Earth likes it? Huh? Do you? Huh?” (Note: This is a dramatization and is only meant to be played out in your imagination.)

2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time you see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them in the Iowa River or sentence them to hard time in the city land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).

3. Play a rousing game of “Capture a Young Republican,” whose 2000 Earth Day motto was "EARTH FIRST! We'll log Earth first, other planets later!" Once all the Young Republicans in your area have been captured, have them deported to the Amazon Rain Forest, where we’ve already helped deplete a significant portion of their trees.

4. Bring in Iowa’s National Guard and have both remaining members take turns guarding Mother Nature’s borders around the clock, keeping Her secure from Us 24/7.
______________________________________

More Earth Day Fallout:

“Basu: Leadership key to environment” (Des Moines Register)

Iowa Lawmakers’ Got Game?

While key legislation hangs in the balance of the DMZ (Democrat Majority Zone), where bills such as VOICE, CAFO, and Civil Rights have been sentenced to solitary confinement, our legislators find refuge in mindless games, such as computer solitaire, on the House and Senate floors. Why engage in meaningful debate, when you can play by yourself?

(Political Surgeon General's Warning: Playing computer solitaire in either the House or Senate chamber may lead to carpal tunnel, bills Killed in Committee (KIC), negative public perceptions, pent up frustrations which lead to verbal outbursts on unsuspecting public citizens in the state capital corridor, or worse, a political leadership position.)

It appears freshmen lawmakers aren’t allowed to sit at the big table when the session winds down, as their leaders play their political games behind closed doors. Senate Minority Leader and occasional gamer Mary “She’s Got Game” Lundby wasn’t too surprised when Sen. Bill Heckroth, D-Waverly, took the Senate floor on Thursday decrying his colleagues' behavior during legislative sessions:

“As a new senator, it just didn’t make me feel real good to think that that’s our image,” said Heckroth, who was first elected last November. “You hear enough bad things about being a politician.”

Gamer Lundby shrugged off Heckroth’s advice: “Freshmen are always shocked by what goes on,” Lundby said. “Next year, he won’t even mention it. He’ll probably be playing games.”

Senate Sultan of Solitaire Mary Lundby: "Got game? Bring it on!"

In the meantime, since our freshmen lawmakers aren't allowed to pariticpate in the political games, maybe we should put them to work, or give them something to do while killing time.

List of Seven Things Freshmen Lawmakers Can Do While Their Leaders Are Off Killing Bills in Committee:

7. Gather holy oils for ceremonial anointment of congressional leaders' feet when they descend upon the den of slackdom and impart their representative wisdom

6. Download music, ring tones, and games before the tax hammer falls

5. Go mow the bosses’ lawn and try their bureaucratic scissorhands at the topiary arts (Note: the proposed starting Terrace Hill groundskeeper salary is $5000 more than that of an entry-level lawmaker)

4. Surf Iowa political blogs and, using clever pseudonyms, leave snarky comments about their leaders (see comments below)

3. Sneak off to Taco John's and beat Mary “She’s Got Game” Lundby’s high score on Galaga, so you can enter SUX above her initials (Tee Hee:))

2. Babysit, chauffeur, and protect the Bossman’s kids, saving the taxpayers an additional $250,000

1. Go raise another $500,000, so they can buy a leadership gig and join in the political leadership games

Sen. Gronstal Drops F-Bomb on Iowans' VOICE

Republicans in Democrat Clothes???

Apparently there’s one thing Dick Cheney doesn’t own, and that’s the rights to dropping F-Bombs on Corporate Hill. Following in his footsteps, Iowa’s new Senate Majority Leader Mike “I’m Not a Crook” Gronstal dropped a “kiss my ass” coupled with an F-Bomb on VOICE activists at the state capitol yesterday.

Duck and Cover!!!

Now that’s leadership, eh?

According to news reports and eyewitness accounts, VOICE activists, who had gathered for an organized lobbying effort at the State House, cornered Gronstal and tried to engage him into a discussion about the fate of the VOICE bill, which has been stuck in committee. The one-sided discussion/lecture got a little heated, until an older activist threw kerosene on the fire and said, “Your nothing but a Republican in Democrat clothing.”

Now thems fightin’ words!

Duck and Cover!!!

“That's the lowest blow that anyone's ever dealt me. You can kiss my ass!"

Shocked and awed by Gronstal’s attack, the VOICE activists barely had enough time to wipe off the vulgar debris, before Gronstal pushed the button and dropped an F-Bomb on their unsuspecting heads.

Sen. Gronstal refused to talk to reporters and stomped off to his office. After giving himself a “Time Out” in his office, Senator Gronstal released the following statement:

“Someone called me a crook. I lost my temper and ended the conversation.”

Iowa Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal: "I'm not a crook!"

By crook, did Gronstal mean Republican?

Uh oh....Duck and Cover!!!
_______________________________

More Fallout: Gronstal’s F-Bomb Double-Doppler Tracker...

Watch video clip, “Tense Talk at Statehouse” (WOI TV-5)

Read & Take Action!: “Gronstal to Iowa Voters – F*ck You!” (Blog for Iowa)

My VOICE LTE: "Take special-interest money out of elections" (Des Moines Register)

F-Bomb Warning Signs: "Pass public financing for Iowa campaigns" (Des Moines Register)

VOICE Bill: “Special Interests, Nevermore!”

Today is “Lobby Day” at the Iowa State Capital (High Noon), as lobbyists across the state gather and urge our elected officials to pass VOICE (Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections). Despite the Democrat Majority Leaders' attempt to silence the bill by killing it in committee, the people of Iowa are making their voices heard. Should VOICE die in committee, I can only imagine the psychological burdens those responsible for allowing it to do so will have to face -- as their guilt comes rapping, rapping at their chamber doors…

Quoth the Raven: "Special Interests, Nevermore!"

“The Raven’s VOICE” (Parody of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven”)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten Democratic lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the House chamber door.
`'Tis some constituent,' I muttered, `tapping at the House chamber door--
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was the end of April
And the VOICE bill wrought its ghost upon the House Appropriations’ floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; -- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my constituents whose voices had been silenced in committee --
And replaced by special interests whose influence helps shape Democracy --
Nameless here, ‘tis such a pity.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtainThrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating`'Tis some voter entreating entrance at the House chamber door -
Some late voter entreating entrance at the House chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at the House chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Democracy Yore’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Democracy Yore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the House chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at the window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -'
Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately bird of the saintly days of Democracy yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above the house chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above the House chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above the House chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
Those three words, as if his soul in those words he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.
'Then the bird said, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Special Interests, Never-nevermore."

'But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, special interests, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Democracy yore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Democracy yore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Democracy Yore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Democracy Yore?
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the House chamber floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Lucy: “Iowa Democratic Majority Suffering Trifectaphobia"

Only 10 days remain in this year’s legislative session in Iowa, and a number of pivotal bills have not only flown under the radar of the Iowa media, but also have managed to find refuge in the DMZ (Democrat Majority Zone). In lieu of sending these bills out into battle, where they can be discussed and debated on the chamber floors, the new Democrat Majority leaders have silenced the bills, condemning them to a fate worse than any imaginable form of torture: Death by Committee! (Note: Death by Committee has been recently banned by the British Parliament, who cited the torture as barbarous and inhumane.)

Although some hope remains, the following bills face the KIC (Killed in Committee) Treatment: Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections (HSB 805), CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), and the Civil Rights Bill (SF 427).

With the Democrats in charge of both houses and the executive branch of Iowa, these bills appeared destined to pass during this session. But as we all know, nothing is a given in the Underworld of Politics. Perplexed by the Majority’s paralysis, I sought to tap the infinite wisdom of Lucy, an untrained, yet affordable psychiatrist:


Political Fallout: Say Lucy, how come Iowa’s new Democrat Majority leaders are helping kill bills in committee?

Lucy: Isn’t it obvious?

Political Fallout: No, that’s why I’m asking you.

Lucy: I wish I could help, but I didn’t hear anything hit the bottom of the can?

Political Fallout: (Pulls out a nickel and plops it into can) Now will you help?

Lucy: They suffer from Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: Tri-fect-a-what-a?

Lucy: Phobia. That’s right, Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: What’s that?

Lucy: Oh, if I only knew… (I plop another nickel in the can). Ah, sweet sweet music to my ears. Trifectaphobia is the fear of losing power and control. Once all of the power and control has been usurped, the new party’s stranglehold manages to slowly strangle itself to death.

Political Fallout: So, it’s like triangulation strangulation, eh? Is there any way to overcome it?

Lucy: (Bats eyes lovingly) A date with yours truly. And flowers, and a box of chocolates, and holding my hand on the playground when everyone is watching, and…

Political Fallout: Oh, brother. Any other remedies?

Lucy: What the people tend to forget is that they have the power, so phone calls and e-mails to their representatives may help ease leaders' Trifectaphobic tendencies.

Political Fallout: And what if that doesn’t work?

Lucy: I suggest voters began feeding them their tails. So, when will you pick me up for our date? (Bats eyes lovingly) Hmmmm?

Political Fallout: AAAAAhhhggggggggg!!!!

“If You Exempt It, They Will Come…”

WANTED: Hollywood Filmmakers to Shoot Your Film HERE

The VOICE from the Iowa cornfields whispered into our collective ears: “If you exempt it, they will come.”

And the prophecy caught a gust of wind and blew beyond Iowa’s borders, eventually resonating in the corporate enterprises, who found the answers blowing in the wind. En masse, they descended upon Iowa, seeking profits to fatten their underbellies.

And along came the corporate hog-farm producers, Wells Fargo and their posse of predatory lenders, Wal-Mart, riverboat and nonriver-boat Casinos, and others who found the answer blowing in the wind before descending upon the field of opportunities.

“Is this a Haven?”

“No, it’s Iowa.”

Welcome to Iowa: A Field of Economic Opportunities

And now Iowa has opened up the pearly gates of its tax haven away from haven to Hollywood filmmakers by providing them with a tax emption (25%) to shoot their films in Iowa. The only two catches to this tax break is that filmmakers have to drop at least $100,000 in Iowa, and they’re not shooting anything “obscene” (a euphemism for porno flick). Knowing the Adult Film Industry hasn’t shot a big-budget pornographic film since they were teenagers secretly watching their parents’ collection of big-budget porno films, lawmakers figured $100,000 would serve as a good deterrent and would help promote their scientifically-researched abstinence-laden “Safe-Filming” education policy.

According to proponents of the new bill, the tax exemption for filmmakers will help feed the tourist industry as onlookers spend money during the filming and at gift shops erected upon the film site after the shooting. Opponents of the bill fear the exemption will tap into Iowa’s leading tourist industry: The Presidential Caucus and Campaigning Tourist Industry. There should be plenty of greasy elbow room for both, and better yet, the presidential hopefuls should exploit this new tax loophole by filming their campaign in Iowa, so they can right off 25% of their expenses.

Political Fallout’s Working-Title Productions

The following are working titles of films about the current field of presidential hopefuls who are planning on spending a lot of face time in Iowa. See if you can match the presidential candidate with the respective title:

1. Diva Las Vegas!

2. The Burnt Bridges of Christian Conservative County

3. Dennis the Menace Strikes Again and Again

4. The Rabbit Hunter

5. Fields of Dreaming Illegal Immigrants

6. A Mill Worker’s Son

7. The First Wives Club III

8. An Inconvenient Truth II

9. The Last Temptation of Newt Gingrich

Answers: 9. Newt Gingrich, 8. Al Gore, 7. Rudy Giuliani, 6. John Edwards, 5. Tom Tancredo, 4. Mitt Romney, 3. Dennis Kucinich, 2. John McCain, 1. Hillary Clinton

Iowa House Amends Unconstitutional Flag Law, Making It Less Unconstitutional

Are you ready to rummmmmmmmmmble…!? It looks like a Battle Royal between the Iowa House and the Iowa Courts is shaping up, pitting activist judges who legislate from the bench against activist legislators who judge from their desks. What we have here is an epic battle of tit-for-tat. In one corner we have the judicial branch, which is trying to protect the sacredness of the constitution from those who wish to desecrate it with unconstitutional amendments. In the other corner we have the legislative branch, which is trying to protect the sacredness of the American Flag from those who wish to desecrate it. Believe me you, flag desecration is happening all over the place in Iowa, especially in the GOP rank and file. Not to mention, not a day goes by when I don't drive by either a public flag burning or an upside down flag visible from the roadside.

Upon analyzing the tale-of-the-tape, the Iowa House has the advantage when it comes to fan support and merchandising. Because the Iowa Constitution is a little more abstract, people have a harder time getting riled up and frothing at the the mouth over the desecration of a piece of paper, whereas a defiling of the American Flag is more visible. The Iowa Courts need to take a more proactive approach and rethink their merchandising strategy. They could start by selling large banners adorned with a copy of the Iowa Constitution (right), thus providing potential constitution burners something visible to torch in a public square as part of a counterprotest. Once these defamatory acts begin lighting up the media spotlight, the merchandising possibilities are infinite. Imagine bits and pieces of the Iowa Constitution visibly displayed on computer screen savers, beer coasters, campaign buttons, bumper stickers, bathing suits, and underwear. (Although I’m not sure how much of the Iowa Constitution will actually fit on a thong, I guess there’s only one way to find out, eh?)

The Iowa House may have the advantage when it comes to political jabbing, but the Iowa Courts packs a mean knock-out-punch. The Iowa House can knowingly pass a bill that doesn’t merit constitutional muster, while the Iowa Courts wait for somebody to violate the new law, then proceed to challenge the law's enforcement, pushing it through the court system until it finally gets knocked out in Iowa's Supreme Court:

"I'm not going to kid you, this thing is going to go right back into court after we fix it, and it's going to be challenged again, and we may be back here again and again and again," said Rep. Jeff Kaufmann, a Republican from Wilton.

Question: So then why would legislators continue to waste time and taxpayers’ money making unconstitutional laws?

Answer: To bankrupt the ACLU, that’s why.

Ding! Ding! Let the fight begin again and again and again and again…

Clean Election’s Price Tag for Restoring Democracy

With our VOICE (Voter Owned Iowa Clean Elections bill: HF 805) on life support, struggling for it’s last gasp of clean air in a House Appropriations sub-committee, our newly elected Democratic Majority is making their priorities clear, and it appears “Clean Elections” may not be one of them. I hope Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly doesn’t intend to follow their predecessors’ mantra: “Now that we have the majority rule, let’s use our new powers to insure that we maintain it.”

From what I’ve gathered, the only barrier impeding VOICE’s move forward is funding. The price tag for creating a Clean Elections startup fund is $10 million (approximately less than .01% of our state’s annual budget). Rep. Dave Jacoby, one of the three members of the House Appropriation sub-committee who will decide upon VOICE’s fate, contends there’s not enough funding for this bill. There are funding mechanisms written in the bill that will help replenish the fund each election cycle; some of these include an optional income tax check off, private donations to the fund, seed money and qualifying fees collected by candidates who volunteer to participate, and a funding stream collected from unclaimed or abandoned property. The latter funding mechanism brings in an estimated $12 - $15 billion and would cover the entire fund. Jacoby pointed out this funding mechanism is allocated from the state’s general fund, which means something else would have to be cut. So the big question is how much of a priority is the Democratic majority willing to make Clean Elections?

This is the question all of us need to pursue with our representatives, the Democratic leaders, and the three members of the House Appropriations sub-committee. The bill hasn’t been scheduled on the docket as of yet, so there’s still time to contact all of the aforementioned people. We cannot afford for this bill to die in committee, so share your voice by urging VOICE forward. In the meantime, let’s take a brief commercial break, brought to you in part by Political Fallout, exposers of political absurdities and hypocrisies:

Can Iowa Afford Clean Elections? (VOICE Over)

Iowa Values Fund (Corporate Welfare): $10 million/year

Iowa Football Coach Kirk Ferentz’s Yearly Salary: $1.2 million (+$400,000 longevity bonus)

2006 Iowa Governor’s Race: $13 million

2006 Iowa House & Senate Race Disbursements: $16,639 million

Big Tobacco Ho’ Minority Leader Christopher Rants Big Tobacco Mo’: $60,000

Security Detail for Culver’s Children: $253,494

Clean Elections (VOICE): $10 million

Cost of e-mailing representative: $Zero

Restoring Faith in Democracy: $Priceless

Who’s Afraid of Clean Elections?

Mr. Big Bad Clean Elections: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your House of Incumbency down!"

Who’s afraid of Clean Elections,
Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections?
Who’s afraid of Clean Elections?
Tra la la la la

The “Clean Elections” bill (HF 805) is huffing and puffing at the Iowa House chamber door, while the Three Little Pigs who sit on the House Appropriations sub-committee decide what to do. But time is running out for ol’ Clean Elections, for the Three Little Pigs are said to vote on Tuesday or Wednesday yore, deciding whether or not to invite Clean Elections in for a debate and discussion on the House and Senate floor.

Who’s afraid of Clean Elections,
Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections?
Who’s afraid of Clean Elections?
Tra la la la la

Meanwhile Iowa Voters are becoming antsy,
For they’ve grown tired of money in politics
And are plotting a political vigilante.
Resurrected by the notion of restoring integrity, trust, and faith in politics,
The Iowa Voters are breathing new life into Clean Elections.
But more VOICEs need to be heard,
So contact your representatives and the majority leaders.
And let them know where you stand.
Urge them to steer clear from the special interest troughs,
And help us reclaim Democracy from those who perceive their votes can be bought.

Who’s afraid of Clean Elections,
Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections?

Could it be OUR House Appropriations Sub-Committe Members?

Dave Jacoby
E-mail: David.Jacoby@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 2308 Northridge Drive, Coralville, IA, 52241
Home Telephone: 319-358-8538

Jo Oldson
E-mail: Jo.Oldson@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 418 38th Place, Des Moines, IA, 50312
Home Telephone: 515-255-2805

Dwayne Alons
E-mail: Dwayne.Alons@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 1314 7th Street, Hull, IA, 51239
Home Telephone: 712-439-2479

Or could it be OUR Majority Congressional Leaders?:

Pat Murphy
E-mail: Pat.Murphy@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 155 N. Grandview, Dubuque, IA, 52001-6325
Home Telephone: 563-582-5922
Kevin McCarthy

Mike Gronstal
E-mail: michael.gronstal@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 220 Bennett Ave, Council Bluffs, IA, 51503
Home Telephone: 712-328-2808
Business Telephone: 515-281-4610
Business Fax: 515-281-3361

Kevin McCarthy
E-mail: Kevin.McCarthy@legis.state.ia.us
Home Address: 5220 SE 31st Court, Des Moines, IA, 50320

Came the day when fate did frown,
And Clean Elections blew into town
With a gruff "puff-puff" he puffed just enough
And the incumbency house fell right down!!!

To learn more about Voter Owned Iowa Clean Elections and/or get the straight dope, go to:

Voter-Owned Iowa: “Reclaiming Our Democracy”
http://www.voterownediowa.org/

Iowa Citizens Action Network: “Get Big Money Out of Politics”
http://www.yawp.com/ican/cfr/

Comp. Ed.: “Welcome Back, Culver”

Dean Wormer: "God I hate high school drop outs."

Inspired by the likes of Dean Wormer, the Iowa House Education Committee has decided to amp up the vice grips on high school drop outs by proposing a nonbinding bill that would make it illegal to drop out of high school before turning 18 (HF 6). Currently, Iowa students must stay in school up until they turn 16 – or else! Or else…you know what…! The bill is nonbinding, because the bill does not contain a penalty for dropping out -- other than the implicit penalty of having to face a treacherous lifetime of paying LESS in taxes than a high school graduate. I’m sure this will make a great selling point to aspiring drop outs:

High School Guidance Counselor: If you decide to drop out, not only will your life be a living hell, but you also won’t get the opportunity to pay more taxes. Now think about it. Is this the kind of life you want to live? Huh, is it?

But the bill is not altogether about what’s best for the students, especially if you were to ask Legislative Services Agency analyst Dwayne Ferguson: “A high school graduate will pay an estimated $8,600 more in taxes than a high school dropout over a 45-year work life…”

The big question is who’s going to teach the would-be dropouts? Answer: If Governor Culver signs this bill into legislation, it’s only fitting that he should teach these kids. After all, he'll be the first to tell you that he's the only sitting Governor who has been inside the classroom during the last twenty years.

"Welcome Back (Mr. Culver)" by John Sebastian

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)

Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

1st Compulsory Class of ’11: Freddie “Boom Boom" Washington (left row), Arnold Horshack (front row), Vincent “Vinnie” Barbarino (back row), Juan Epstein (right row)

First Day of School at West Buchanan High School: Civics 101

(Students strut into class as their teacher, Mr. Culver, finishes writing “Civics 101” on the chalkboard.)

Mr. Culver: Welcome, class. Welcome back to school. I would like to start off by letting you know that while you’re in here, there is no such thing as a stupid question. So, do any of you have any questions?

Horshack: (arm shoots up with dramatic flair) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, Mr. Culver?!!!

Mr Culver: Yes Arnold?

Horshack: (lowers hand and ponders as if lost in thought) Ummm….

Mr. Culver: What is it Arnold?

Horshack: I don’t know.

Washington: (shows off slick smile) Mr. Cul-ver—

Mr. Culver: Yes Boom-Boom?

Washington: How come we gotta be here?

Mr. Culver: Good question, Mr. Washington. (Turns to write on board while rest of classmates high five him for his “good question.” Mr. Culver writes “C-O-M-P-U-L-S-O-R-Y E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N” across the chalkboard.) Can anyone tell me what compulsory education means?

Horshack: (Hand defiantly raised) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Mr. Culver: (reluctantly) Yes Arnold?

Horshack: (pauses) I don’t know.

Washington: Is that when we gotta go to school, ‘cuz the Man says we gotta go?

Mr. Culver: That’s one way of looking at it, Boom Boom, but—

Washington: --But I thought you was the MAN, Mr. Culver?

Mr. Culver: Well yes, I am the MAN, Washington, but it’s the law that –

Epstein: Mr. Culver, I got a note for you. It’s from my mother. (He walks up to Mr. Culver and hands him the note.)

Mr. Culver: (reads note aloud) Please excuse Juan from school this year. He has a rare disease that only gets worse when he’s in school. Signed: Epstein’s Mother. Rare disease? Do you mean, Senioritis, Juan?

Epstein: Yeah, that’s it. That’s just what the doctor said, Senioritis. So if you don’t mind, I’ll be heading out to go get my medicine –

Mr. Culver: Epstein, you have to earn enough credits to become a senior before you can actually get Senioritis. (Other students collectively Oooooo…as Epstein takes his seat.)

Barbarino: (completely perplexed) I’m so confused…!

Mr. Culver: Hey, Barbarino?

Barbarino: What?

Mr. Culver: Can you tell us what “compulsory” means?

Barbarino: (feigning ignorance) What?

Mr. Culver: Compulsory? What does it mean?

Barbarino: When?

Mr. Culver: Not when, but what?

Barbarino: Where?

Mr. Culver: Well I think we’ve learned enough for today. Tomorrow we’ll pick up with the latter half of the equation: “education.”

(Bell rings as students strut out of the classroom with a new sense of purpose.)

Iowa Legislature 82nd General Assembly Declaration of Human Rights

In Iowa, the Legislators first came for the school-yard bully, and I did not speak up, because I was not a bully.

Then they came for the paroled sex offenders, keeping them exiled to seedy motels 2000 feet from all tangible temptation, and I did not speak up, because I was not a sex offender.

Then they came for people who dismember human corpses with the intent of concealing a crime, and I did not speak up, because I am not one who indulges in criminal acts with human corpses.

Then they came for 16- and 17-year-old high school drop outs, and I did not speak, because I am not a 16 or 17 year-old drop out.

Then they came for the smokers, banning them from public buildings, and I did not speak up, because I am a not a smoker.

Then they came for beer keg binge drinkers, adding bureaucratic hoops to the purchase of beer kegs, and I did not speak up, because I am not a binge drinking beer keg buyer.

Then they came for hunters, who hunt live animals with an Internet hookup, and I did not speak up, because I am not a virtual hunter of live animals.

Then they came for me, a lowly satirist who cannot afford to pay my family's monthly health insurance premium, and by that time, there was nothing left to write about.

Deer Contraceptive Movement Fully-Baked & Cured (in Absurdity)

It looks like the Auto-Body Repair industry had better step up its lobby efforts. The Iowa Department of Natural Resources, the Environmental Protection Agency and Iowa state lawmakers are toying with the idea of approving and regulating a deer contraceptive that could possibly “curb the state’s multimillion-dollar deer problem”:

Researchers at the National Wildlife Research Center, a branch of the U.S.
Department of Agriculture, are developing the contraceptive vaccine, called
GonaCon. They intend to submit it to the Environmental Protection Agency in
March, said Gail Keirn, a spokeswoman for the research
center…

…Garner, of the DNR, warns that the single-shot
drug being developed might not be the perfect answer. It's likely to be
expensive - $300 to $1,000 - to capture then inject each deer. The drug lasts
two years, but deer can live for a decade. And, he said, thinning a herd would
still require guns - to reduce the population to a size that's sustainable for
the habitat.

Opponents of the deer contraceptive are concerned the deer contraceptives may be misused and will fall into the wrong hands; including but not limited to deer breeders, over-protective parents of teenagers, and/or political operatives hell bent on sabotaging an opponent’s campaign at any cost.

No worries, the Iowa legislature is thinking the same thing and is drafting a bill (Study Bill 1112 and House File 37) that would aim regulation (preferably with a user-friendly cross bow) at regulating wildlife contraceptives:

The law would prohibit Iowans from giving any drug - for fertility control,
disease prevention or treatment, growth stimulation or immobilization - to wild
animals without written authorization from the state. A violation would be a
serious misdemeanor punishable for up to a year in jail and a fine of at least
$315.

At a $1000 a pop, there has to be a more cost-effective approach to fixing Iowa’s overpopulated deer problem, which helped conceive the following solutions:

Saltpeter Licks: Strategically place large bricks of saltpeter licks around perimeters of heavily-populated deer areas. This should help kill their sex drive and urge to take over the world by over-propagating their race.

Provide scientific-based sex education classes to young bucks. This should help enlighten bucks see the repercussions of engaging in high-risk, unprotected polygamous relationships.

Implement faith-based initiatives which promote abstinence over promiscuity. Deer should be raised with the notion that it’s okay to wait for their destined fill of buck shot or their fated front end collision with an urban assault vehicle – both of which will take them one step closer to their Creator.

Extend the deer-hunting season to parallel the political campaign season. Since the latter has morphed into a continuous cycle, we could have deer hunting on a year round basis in Iowa; although, this may impede deer from adequately serving their constituents and passing meaningful legislation.

Erect cautionary deer-mating signs. Not only will this cut down on accidents involving motor vehicles and copulating deer, but the signs will prompt pre-pubescent children to start asking parents questions about the breeding process.